"  -f?  ^^f  ¥f  -ilr 

LADIES  aUENTLEM 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

GIFT  OF 

PROFESSOR 
GEORGE  R.  STEWART 


University  of  California  •  Berkeley 


THE 

LADIES'  AND  GENTLEMEN'S 

ETIQUETTE: 


A   COMPLETE    MANUAL   OF    THE    MANNERS 
AND  DRESS  OF  AMERICAN  SOCIETY. 


CONTAINING 


FORMS  OF  LETTERS,  INVITATIONS,  ACCEPTANCES  AND 
REGRETS. 


BY   MRS.    E.    B.    DUFFEY, 

AUTHOR  OF 
;  WHAT  WOMEN  SHOULD  KNOW,"   "  NO  SEX  IN  EDUCATION,"  ETC. 


**  Wisdom  and  virtue  are  by  no  means  sufficient,  without  the  supplemental  laws 
of  good  breeding,  to  secure  freedom  from  degenerating  to  rudeness,  or  self-esteem 
from  swelling  into  insolence;  a  thousand  incivilities  may  be  committed,  and  a 
thousand  offices  neglected,  without  any  remorse  of  conscience,  or  reproach  from 
reason." — DR.  JOHNSON. 


PHILADELPHIA  : 

PORTER    AND    COATES, 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1877,  by 

HENRY  B.  ASHMEAP, 
In  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


PREFACE. 


WE  have  so  long  borrowed  our  manners,  like  our 
literature,  from  the  Old  World,  that  we  have  become 
thoroughly  imbued  with  the  feeling  that  what  is  not 
European — what  is  not  at  least  English — cannot  be 
proper  and  right  in  the  conduct  of  life.  But  now, 
in  the  hundredth  year  of  our  national  existence,  it  is 
time  we  began  to  realize  the  fact  that  we  are  per- 
fectly capable  of  depending  upon  ourselves  in  mat- 
ters pertaining  to  both  behavior  and  dress.  Our 
civilization  is  American ;  our  progress  is  American ; 
and,  all  unaware  of  it  as  we  are,  our  development  of 
the  finer  and  gentler  traits  of  character  is  just  as 
truly  American.  We  should  understand  that  the 
American  gentleman,  though  he  may  be  lacking  in 
the  exceedingly  polished,  almost  subservient,  out- 
ward forms  of  politeness  of  the  Frenchman — though 
he  may  not  be  so  self-asserting  and  condescending 
as  the  Englishman — is  just  as  true  a  gentleman;  and 


4  PREFACE. 

the  type  which  he  presents  should  be  more  accept- 
able to  the  American  people.  Underneath  an  oc- 
casional appearance  of  brusqueness  is  hidden  an 
even  greater  respect  for  women — that  touchstone 
of  true  gentility.  Our  national  institutions  them- 
selves teach  men  to  respect  one  another  as  those  of 
no  European  nation  do. 

There  is  an  unwritten  code  of  manners  in  our  best 
American  society,  and  there  is  no  better  code  on  the 
face  of  the  earth.  To  afford  those  whom  untoward 
circumstances  have  placed  outside  the  pale  of  this 
true  democratic  nobility  an  opportunity  of  acquiring 
the  culture  and  ease  of  deportment  which  is  there 
found,  this  book  has  been  written.  That  its  basis  is 
English  cannot  be  denied,  since  our  very  civilization 
has  an  English  foundation.  But  this  has  been 
Americanized  to  suit  American  customs,  institutions 
and  ideas.  It  is  not  a  book  whose  injunctions  are 
to  be  regarded  as  the  puppet  automatically  obeys 
the  will  of  its  constructor.  Its  precepts,  founded  as 
they  are  upon  a  commendable  self-forgetfulness  and 
a  respect  for  the  rights  and  duties  of  others,  should 
be  learned  literally  by  heart,  that  their  manifestations 
may  flow  spontaneously  from  the  individual. 


CONTENTS. 


PART    I. 
ETIQUETTE  FOR  GENERAL  OCCASIONS. 

CHAPTER  PAGB 

I. — INTRODUCTORY 9 

II. — INTRODUCTIONS 21 

III. — SALUTATIONS 29 

IV. — CONVERSATION 39 

V. — THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  VISITS 50 

VI. — DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS 63 

VII. — ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  STREET.       81 

VIII. — ETIQUETTE  OF  TRAVELING,  DRIVING  AND  RIDING.   .    88 

IX. — ETIQUETTE  OF  PUBLIC  PLACES 102 

X. — EPISTOLARY  ETIQUETTE in 

XI. — ETIQUETTE  OF  COURTSHIP 124 

XII. — TABLE  ETIQUETTE 143 

XIII. — MISCELLANEOUS  RULES  OF  ETIQUETTE 149 

XIV. — ETIQUETTE  OF  CARD-PLAYING 170 

XV. — ETIQUETTE  OF  VISITING-CARDS .  174 

5 


6  CONTENTS. 

PART    II. 

WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE  AND  ETIQUETTE  OF 
FOREIGN  COURTS. 

CHAPTER  FAGS 

I. — SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE  AT  WASHINGTON 178 

II. — FOREIGN  TITLES 182 

III. — PRESENTATION  AT  COURT 187 

PART    III. 
ETIQUETTE  OF  SPECIAL  CEREMONIALS. 

I. — WEDDING  ETIQUETTE .191 

II. — ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS 204 

III. — BIRTHS  AND  CHRISTENINGS .    .210 

IV. — FUNERALS 216 

PART    IV. 

DRESS. 
I. — THE  TOILETTE 225 

II. — GENERAL  RULES  IN  REGARD  TO  DRESS 256 

III. — MORNING-DRESS  FOR  HOUSE  AND  STREET 266 

IV. — RIDING-,  DRIVING-  AND  VISITING-DRESSES 270 

V. — EVENING  COSTUMES 276 

VI. — COSTUMES  FOR  PUBLIC  PLACES 279 

VII. — COSTUMES  FOR  TRAVELING 285 


CONTENTS.  7 

CHAPTER  PAGR 

VIII. — WEDDING  OUTFIT 290 

IX. — MOURNING 295 

X. — TOILETTE  RECIPES 299 

PART  V. 
THE  LETTER-WRITER. 

I. — BUSINESS  LETTERS 321 

II. — LETTERS  OF  CEREMONY 335 

III. — LOVE-LETTERS , 342 


BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 


PART   I. 

ETIQUETTE  FOR   GENERAL  OCCASIONS. 


CHAPTER  I. 
INTRODUCTORY. 

CIVILIZATION  may  be  defined  as  that  pro- 
cess of  social  culture  which  removes  men  and 
women  from  the  natural  or  savage  state  into  one 
wherein  ate  called  out  those  higher  moral  and  intel- 
lectual qualities  and  capacities  which  in  the  uncivil- 
ized individual  are  only  in  an  embryonic  condition. 

I  know  that  exception  will  be  taken  to  this  defini- 
tion by  many  who  are  unwise  worshipers  of  Nature 
in  her  crudest  manifestations,  and  who  think  that 
only  right  which  is  primitively  natural.  But  let  us 
consider.  In  the  natural  state  man  is  a  savage.  He 
wears  only  sufficient  clothing  to  ptotect  him  from 
the  inclemencies  of  the  weather.  Though  eating 
constitutes  one  of  his  greatest  enjoyments,  he  has 
not  yet  invented  any  of  those  arts  which  refine  and 
intensify  it,  but  finds  sensual  pleasure  in  the  mere 
gluttonous  satisfaction  of  appetite.  In  his  purely 


10  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

natural  state  he  seeks  a  lair  amid  the  rocks  like  the 
wild  beasts.  A  little  development  teaches  him  to 
gather  together  branches  from  the  forest  and  reeds 
from  the  marshes  with  which  to  build  himself  a  rude 
hut  as  a  protection  against  two-footed  and  four-footed 
enemies  during  the  unconscious  hours  of  sleep.  To 
eat  and  sleep,  and  to  leave  others  behind  him  who 
shall  go  on  eating  and  sleeping,  is  the  sum-total  of 
existence  to  the  savage  man.  He  knows  nothing  of 
law  or  order,  of  beauty  or  science.  Selfishness  is 
the  first  law  of  his  being.  Some  philosopher  has 
said  truly  that  the  most  important  question  between 
primitive  men  was,  "  Can  I  kill  thee,  or  canst  thou 
kill  me  ?"  Might  is  right ;  the  weaker  submit  to  the 
stronger,  not  merely  in  the  manner  in  which  we — 
with  our  thousands  of  years  of  gradually-increasing 
civilization,  cultivating  our  intelligence  and  human- 
ity and  moulding  our  ideas — understand  submission, 
but  to  the  degree  of  suffering  indescribable  indigni- 
ties and  cruelties,  and  even  death,  at  the  hands  of 
the  party  in  power.  The  weak  are  the  lawful  prey 
of  the  stronger ;  all  women  are  the  slaves  of  all  men. 
the  sport  of  their  caprices,  their  beasts  of  burden,  and 
the  foil  by  which  man  demonstrates  his  masculine 
superiority. 

The  inferior  condition  of  woman,  it  is  curious  to 
remark,  is  the  last  trace  of  the  natural  life  of  man  to 
disappear  before  the  encroachments  of  civilization ; 
and  those  who  maintain  the  "natural"  inferiority  of 
women  are  right  in  so  far  as  they  state  the  actual  and 


1NTR  OD  UCTOR  Y.  II 

undeniable  condition  of  things  in  an  untutored  nat- 
ural state  of  humanity.  However,  it  is  a  condition 
which  properly  accompanies  the  lair,  the  hut  and  all 
other  savage  accessories. 

A  book  of  this  kind  is  hardly  the  proper  place  to 
give  numerous  illustrations  of  this  fact.  One  will 
suffice.  M.  Hue,  whose  prolonged  residence  in 
China  gave  him  unprecedented  opportunities  for 
judging  of  the  social  institutions  of  that  country, 
declares  that  the  woman  is  always  the  slave  of  the 
man,  never  protected  or  even  recognized  by  the  law. 
If  by  chance  allusion  is  made  to  her  in  any  legal 
proceeding,  it  is  merely  to  remind  her  of  her  inferi- 
ority, and  that  she  is  only  in  this  world  to  obey  and 
suffer.  M.  Hue  says:  "Privations  of  every  kind 
and  of  every  day,  invectives,  curses  from  time  to 
time,  also  blows, — these  are  her  heritage  which  she 
must  endure  with  patience."  The  same  gentleman 
also  describes  a  scene  to  which  he  was  an  eye-wit- 
ness, when,  observing  a  crowd  assembled  around  a 
young  woman  bruised  and  bleeding,  he  inquired  the 
cause,  and  was  informed  that  her  husband  had  beaten 
her  for  no  other  reason  than  that  "people  were  laugh- 
ing at  him  because  he  had  never  beaten  his  wife," 
which  lack  of  discipline  was  considered  a  wide  de- 
parture from  marital  dignity.  This  woman  he  ad- 
mitted had  in  no  wise  offended  him  or  given  him 
the  slightest  cause  for  chastisement.  She  died  two 
days  afterward  from  the  effects  of  this  beating.  Yet 
China  is  a  nation  which  has  had  for  thousands  of 


12  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

years  a  sort  of  civilization ;  and  probably  the  reason 
why  she  has  never  advanced  beyond  a  certain  point 
is  that  the  degraded  and  despised  condition  of  her 
women  holds  her  back. 

It  has  been  wisely  remarked  that  the  true  advance- 
ment of  a  nation  may  be  exactly  determined  by  the 
position  of  its  women.  According  as  the  mothers 
of  the  race  are  respected  and  cherished  will  the  sons 
be  wise,  noble  and  unselfish. 

Civilization,  then,  is  the  force  or  power  which  calls 
us  out  from  that  natural  state  in  which  we  are  most 
nearly  allied  to  the  brutes,  and  in  which  selfish  inter- 
ests alone  predominate,  and  places  us  in  a  condition 
where  we  may  recognize  ourselves  as  belonging  to  a 
common  humanity,  and  in  which  the  best  good  of 
each  is  subserved  by  permitting  many  "natural" 
rights  of  individuals  to  be  subordinated  to  the  inter- 
ests of  all. 

Nature  teaches  two  strange  savages  to  approach 
each  other  as  enemies.  Each,  suspicious  of  the 
hostile  intent  of  the  other,  maintains  a  natural  right 
to  kill  that  other  in  self-defence.  Civilization  teaches 
each  man  to  respect  the  right  of  the  other  to  live, 
and  to  refrain  from  killing  him  in  the  hope  and  ex- 
pectation that  the  other  will  be  equally  considerate. 

Yet,  after  all,  I  fear  civilization  has  not  as  yet  per- 
meated very  deeply  the  hearts  of  men.  Its  influence 
is  apt  to  come  and  go  with  the  daylight  or  as  a  man 
passes  to  and  from  the  ken  of  his  acquaintances. 
Many  a  man  who  considers  himself  a  gentleman  at 


INTR  OD  UCTOR  Y.  13 

home  develops  into  a  ruffian  or  a  boor  among 
strangers,  or  a  savage  in  the  darkness.  Two  stran- 
gers in  a  strange  place  seldom  approach  each  other 
without  the  old  savage  nature  asserting  itself  in  feel- 
ings of  mutual  distrust ;  and  if  those  feelings  are  not 
exhibited  in  overt  act,  it  is  well. 

And  here  we  may  find  the  uses  of  etiquette.  We 
are  not  all  equally  civilized ;  some  of  us  are  scarcely 
more  than  savage  by  nature  and  training,  or  rather 
lack  of  training.  Yet  we  all  wish  to  put  on  the 
regalia  of  civilization  that  we  may  be  recognized  as 
belonging  to  the  guild  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  in 
the  world. 

A  perfect  gentleman  or  lady  instinctively  knows 
just  what  to  do  under  all  circumstances,  and  need  be 
bound  by  no  written  code  of  manners.  Yet  there  is 
an  unwritten  code  which  is  as  immutable  as  the  laws 
of  the  Medes  and  Persians,  and  we  who  would  acquire 
gentility  (I  use  the  word  with  its  best  meaning)  must 
by  some  means  make  ourselves  familiar  with  this. 

The  true  gentleman  is  rare,  but,  fortunately,  there 
is  no  crime  in  counterfeiting  his  excellences.  The 
best  of  it  is  that  the  counterfeit  may,  in  course  of 
time,  develop  into  the  real  thing. 

A  true  gentleman  is  always  himself  at  his  best. 
He  is  inherently  unselfish,  thinking  always  of  the 
needs  and  desires  of  others  before  his  own.  He  is 
dignified  among  equals,  respectful  but  not  groveling 
to  his  superiors,  tender  and  considerate  to  inferiors, 
and  helpful  and  protecting  to  the  weak.  He  does 


14  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

not  put  on  his  gentility  among  gentlemen  and  gentle- 
women only  to  turn  ruffian  among  ruffians  and 
among  those  of  the  other  sex  who  from  any  cause 
are  not  recognized  as  ladies.  Women — all  women,  of 
whatever  age  or  condition — claim  his  respectful  care 
and  tender  and  reverential  regard.  A  gentleman  is, 
in  fact,  a  man  with  the  strength  of  manhood  com- 
bined with  the  delicacy  of  womanhood. 

The  following  is  Ruskin's  opinion  concerning  the 
gentleman :  "  A  gentleman's  first  characteristic  is 
that  fineness  of  structure  in  the  body  which  renders 
it  capable  of  the  most  delicate  sensation,  and  of  that 
structure  in  the  mind  which  renders  it  capable  of 
the  most  delicate  sympathies — one  may  say,  simply, 
'  fineness  of  nature.'  This  is,  of  course,  compatible 
with  heroic  bodily  strength  and  mental  firmness ;  in 
fact,  heroic  strength  is  not  conceivable  without  such 
delicacy.  Elephantine  strength  may  drive  its  way 
through  a  forest  and  feel  no  touch  of  the  boughs,  but 
the  white  skin  of  Homer's  Atrides  would  have  felt 
a  bent  rose-leaf,  yet  subdue  its  feelings  in  the  glow 
of  battle  and  behave  itself  like  iron.  I  do  not  mean 
to  call  an  elephant  a  vulgar  animal ;  but  if  you  think 
about  him  carefully,  you  will  find  that  his  non-vul- 
garity consists  in  such  gentleness  as  is  possible  to 
elephantine  nature — not  in  his  insensitive  hide  nor  in 
his  clumsy  foot,  but  in  the  way  he  will  lift  his  foot  if 
a  child  lies  in  his  way,  and  in  his  sensitive  trunk  and 
still  more  sensitive  mind  and  capability  of  pique  on 
points  of  honor.  Hence  it  will  follow  that  one  of 


INTR  OD  UCTOR  Y.  1 5 

the  probable  signs  of  high  breeding  in  men  generally 
will  be  their  kindness  and  mercifulness,  these  always 
indicating  more  or  less  firmness  of  make  in  the 
mind." 

How  shall  I  describe  a  lady  ?  Solomon  has  done 
it  for  me : 

"The  heart  of  her  husband  doth  safely  trust  in 
her. 

"  She  will  do  him  good,  and  not  evil,  all  the  days 
of  her  life. 

"  She  girdeth  her  loins  with  strength,  and  strength- 
eneth  her  arms. 

"She  stretcheth  out  her  hand  to  the  poor;  yea, 
she  reacheth  forth  her  hands  to  the  needy. 

"She  maketh  herself  coverings  of  tapestry;  her 
clothing  is  silk  and  purple. 

"  Her  husband  is  known  in  the  gates. 

"  Strength  and  honor  are  her  clothing. 

"She  openeth  her  mouth  with  wisdom;  and  in 
her  tongue  is  the  law  of  kindness." 

Strength,  honor,  wisdom,  goodness  and  virtue  are 
her  requisites.  A  woman  strong  and  womanly  in 
all  ways,  in  whom  the  heart  of  a  husband  can  safely 
trust — this  is  the  perfect  lady. 

That  all  should  seek  to  shape  the  way  and  fashion 
of  their  lives  in  accordance  with  these  models  there 
can  be  no  doubt.  The  best  and  surest  course  to  pur- 
sue for  that  end  is  to  look  for,  and  to  imitate  as  far 
as  possible,  the  manifestations  of  the  characteristics 
I  have  endeavored  to  describe.  And  that  which  was 


1 6  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

at  first  mere  imitation  may  become  at  last  a  second 
nature. 

Civilization  has  its  laws,  civil,  religious  and  social, 
binding  upon  the  community.  Etiquette  may  be 
considered  as  the  by-laws  of  civilization,  binding 
upon  each  individual  of  the  community.  Arbitrary  as 
many  of  these  by-laws  may  seem,  they  are  all  founded 
upon  some  good  and  sufficient  reason,  and  all  in- 
tended to  make  our  manners  as  agreeable  and  inof- 
fensive as  possible  to  people  of  refined  and  deli- 
cate tastes — those  people,  in  fact,  who  have  furthest 
escaped  from  the  state  of  savagery  natural  to  the 
race. 

Good  manners  were  perhaps  originally  but  an  ex- 
pression of  submission  from  the  weaker  to  the 
stronger,  and  many  traces  of  their  origin  still  remain  ; 
but  a  spirit  of  kindliness  and  unselfishness  born  of 
a  higher  order  of  civilization  permeates  for  the  most 
part  the  code  of  politeness. 

As  an  illustration  of  this,- we  cannot  do  better  than 
cite  the  requirements  of  good  breeding  in  regard  to 
women.  As  has  already  been  shown,  it  is  consid- 
ered perfectly  proper  in  the  more  barbarous  forms  of 
society  to  treat  woman  with  all  contumely.  In  po- 
lite society  great  deference  is  paid  to  her  and  certain 
seemingly  arbitrary  requirements  are  made  in  her 
favor.  Thus  a  gentleman  is  always  expected  to 
vacate  his  seat  in  favor  of  a  lady  who  is  unprovided 
with  one.  If  it  were  possible  to  carry  discrimina- 
tion into  this  matter  of  yielding  up  seats,  and  re- 


INTR  OD  UCTOR  Y.  1 7 

quire  that  the  young,  healthful  and  strong  of  either 
sex  should  stand  that  the  old,  weak  and  invalid  of 
both  sexes  might  sit,  there  could  be  no  possible 
doubt  as  to  the  propriety  of  the  regulation. 

The  wisdom  of  the  social  law,  as  it  really  is,  seems 
open  to  question.  Yet  it  is  wise  and  right,  never- 
theless. Taking  men  as  a  whole,  they  are  better 
able  to  endure  the  fatigue  of  standing  than  women. 
Women  as  the  mothers  of  the  race,  the  bearers  and 
nurses  of  children,  are  entitled  to  special  considera- 
tion and  care  on  account  of  the  physical  disabilities 
which  these  duties  entail ;  and  even  if  in  their  ordi- 
nary health  they  are  capable  of  enduring  fatigue, 
still  there  are  times  when  to  compel  them  to  this 
endurance  is  cruel  and  unjust.  Since  women  prefer, 
as  a  rule,  to  conceal  their  womanly  weaknesses  and 
disabilities  as  far  as  practicable,  it  is  impossible  for 
individual  men  to  judge  of  the  strength  or  weakness 
of  individual  women.  Thus,  when  a  man  rises  from 
his  seat  to  give  it  to  a  woman,  he  silently  says,  in 
the  spirit  of  true  and  noble  manliness,  "  I  offer  you 
this,  madam,  in  memory  of  my  mother,  who  suffered 
that  I  might  live,  and  of  my  present  or  future  wife, 
who  is,  or  is  to  be,  the  mother  of  my  children.''* 
Such  devotion  of  the  stronger  sex  to  the  weaker  is 
beautiful  and  just;  and  this  chivalrous  spirit,  carried 
through  all  the  requirements  of  politeness,  has  a  sig- 
nificance which  should  neither  be  overlooked  nor 
undervalued.  It  is  the  very  poetry  of  life,  and 
tends  toward  that  further  development  of  civilization 
2 


1 8  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

when  all  traces  of  woman's  original  degradation 
shall  be  lost. 

Those  who  would  think  slightingly  of  the  import- 
ance of  good  manners  should  read  Emerson,  who  says : 
"  When  we  reflect  how  manners  recommend,  prepare 
and  draw  people  together;  how,  in  all  clubs,  manners 
make  the  members ;  how  manners  make  the  fortune 
of  the  ambitious  youth ;  that,  for  the  most  part,  his 
manners  marry  him,  and,  for  the  most  part,  he  mar- 
ries manners;  when  we  think  what  keys  they  are, 
and  to  what  secrets;  what  high  lessons  and  inspir- 
ing tokens  of  character  they  convey ;  and  what  divi- 
nation is  required  in  us  for  the  reading  of  this  fine 
telegraph, — we  see  what  range  the  subject  has,  and 
what  relations  to  convenience,  form  and  beauty. 
The  maxim  of  courts  is  power.  A  calm  and  reso- 
lute bearing,  a  polished  speech,  an  embellishment  of 
trifles  and  the  art  of  hiding  all  uncomfortable  feel- 
ings are  essential  to  the  courtier.  .  .  .  Manners  im- 
press, as  they  indicate  real  power.  A  man  who 
is  sure  of  his  point  carries  a  broad  and  contented 
expression,  which  everybody  reads  ;  and  you  cannot 
rightly  train  to  an  air  and  manner  except  by  making 
him  the  kind  of  man  of  whom  that  manner  is  the 
natural  expression.  Nature  for  ever  puts  a  premium 
on  reality." 

"To  be  truly  polite,"  says  a  modern  French  writer, 
"it  is  necessary  to  be  at  the  same  time  good,  just 
and  generous."  The  same  writer  goes  on  to  say: 
"  True  politeness  is  the  outward  visible  sign  of  those 


INTRODUCTORY.  19 

Inward  spiritual  graces  called  modesty,  unselfishness 
and  generosity.  The  manners  of  a  gentleman  are 
the  index  of  his  soul.  His  speech  is  innocent, 
because  his  life  is  pure;  his  thoughts  are  direct, 
because  his  actions  are  upright ;  his  bearing  is  gentle, 
because  his  blood  and  his  impulses  and  his  training 
are  gentle  ateo.  A  true  gentleman  is  entirely  free 
from  every  kind  of  pretence.  He  avoids  homage 
instead  of  exacting  it.  Mere  ceremonies  have  no 
attraction  for  him.  He  seeks  not  to  say  civil  things, 
but  to  do  them.  His  hospitality,  though  hearty  and 
sincere,  will  be  strictly  regulated  by  his  means. 
His  friends  will  be  chosen  for  their  good  qualities 
and  good  manners;  his  servants  for  their  truthful- 
ness and  honesty ;  his  occupations  for  their  useful- 
ness or  their  gracefulness  or  their  elevating  tenden- 
cies, whether  moral  or  mental  or  political.  And  so 
we  come  round  again  to.  our  first  maxim — namely, 
that  '  good  manners  are  the  kindly  fruit  of  a  refined 
nature.'  " 

Tennyson's    definition    of   a  true  gentleman    is 
worthy  of  repetition : 

"  We  see  him  as  he  moved, 
How  modest,  kindly,  all-accomplished,  wise, 
With  what  sublime  repression  of  himself, 
And  in  what  limits,  and  how  tenderly ; 
Not  making  his  high  place  a  lawless  perch 
Of  winged  ambition,  nor  a  vantage-ground 
For  pleasure ;  but  thro'  all  this  tract  of  years 
Wearing  the  white  flower  of  a  blameless  life." 

Lord  Chesterfield  declared  good   breeding  to  be 


20  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

"  the  result  of  much  good  sense,  some  good  nature, 
and  a  little  self-denial  for  the  sake  of  others  and 
with  a  view  to  obtain  the  same  indulgence  from 
them."  The  same  authority  in  polite  matters  says  : 
"  Good  sense  and  good  nature  suggest  civility  in 
general,  but  in  good  breeding  there  are  a  thousand 
little  delicacies  which  are  established  bnly  by  cus- 
tom." 

"  Etiquette,"  says  a  modern  English  author,  "  may 
be  defined  as  the  minor  morality  of  life.  No  ob- 
servances, however  minute,  that  tend  to  spare  the 
feelings  of  others,  can  be  classed  under  the  head  of 
trivialities;  and  politeness,  which  is  but  another 
name  for  general  amiability,  will  oil  the  creaking 
wheels  of  life  more  effectually  than  any  of  those  un- 
guents supplied  by  mere  wealth  and  station." 

Then  let  us,  in  view  of  all  this  weight  of  opinion 
in  favor  of  good  breeding, 

"  Study  with  care  politeness  that  must  teach 
The  modest  forms  of  gesture  and  of  speech." 


CHAPTER    II. 

INTR  OD  UCTIONS. 

WE  are  born  into  friendships.  We  may  be- 
come possessed  of  them  through  a  variety 
of  circumstances,  but  most  friendships  which  have  a 
legitimate  beginning  come  through  an  acquaintance- 
ship which  opens  by  means  of  an  introduction.  Not 
that  I  would  intimate  that  an  acquaintance  begun 
without  a  formal  introduction  must  of  necessity  be 
an  improper  one  or  one  formed  in  an  improper  man- 
ner, only  that  such  acquaintance  comes  through  the 
by-ways.  A  formal  introduction  is  the  gate  which 
guards  the  highway. 

INTRODUCTIONS. 

Care  should  be  taken,  in  introducing  two  people 
to  each  other,  that  the  introduction  will  be  mutually 
agreeable.  Whenever  it  is  practicable,  it  is  best  to 
settle  the  point  by  inquiring  beforehand.  When  this 
is  inexpedient  from  any  cause,  a  thorough  acquaint- 
ance with  both  parties  will  warrant  the  introducer  to 
judge  of  the  point  for  him  or  herself. 

It  is  especially  obligatory  to  ask  the  consent  of  a 
lady  before  introducing  a  gentleman, 

it 


22  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

It  is  not  strictly  necessary  that  acquaintanceship 
should  await  a  formal  introduction.  Persons  meet- 
ing at  the  house  of  a  common  friend  may  consider 
that  fact  a  sufficient  warrant  for  the  preliminaries  of 
acquaintanceship  if  there  seems  to  be  a  mutual  in- 
clination toward  such  acquaintanceship. 

It  is  the  part  of  a  host  and  hostess  to  make  intro- 
ductions among  their  guests  at  a  ball,  though  guests 
may,  with  perfect  propriety,  introduce  each  other,  or, 
as  already  intimated,  converse  without  the  ceremony 
of  introduction. 

PROPER  FORMS  OF  INTRODUCTION. 

The  proper  form  of  introduction  is  to  present  the 
gentleman  to  the  lady,  the  younger  to  the  older,  the 
inferior  to  the  superior.  Thus  you  will  say  :  "  Mrs. 
Gary,  allow  me  to  present  to  you  Mr.  Rhodes :  Mr. 
Rhodes,  Mrs.  Gary ;"  "  Mrs.  Wood,  let  me  present 
to  you  my  friend  Miss  Ewing ;"  "  General  Graves, 
permit  me  to  introduce  to  you  Mr.  Hughes."  The 
exact  words  used  in  introductions  are  immaterial,  so 
that  the  proper  order  is  preserved.  Thus,  in  intro- 
ducing two  gentlemen,  it  is  sufficient  to  say,  "  Mr. 
Brown,  Mr.  Smith." 

Whatever  the  form,  it  is  of  the  utmost  importance 
that  each  name  should  be  spoken  distinctly. 

If  several  persons  are  to  be  presented  to  one  indi- 
vidual, mention  the  name  of  the  single  individual 
first,  and  then  call  the  others  in  succession,  bowing 
slightly  as  each  name  is  pronounced. 


INTRODUCTIONS.  23 

CASUAL  INTRODUCTIONS, 

It  is  not  necessary  to  introduce  people  who  chance 
to  meet  in  your  house  during  a  morning  call ;  but 
if  there  is  no  reason  for  supposing  that  such  an  in- 
troduction will  be  objectionable  to  either  party,  it 
seems  better  to  give  it,  as  it  sets  both  parties  at  ease 
in  conversation.  Acquaintanceship  may  or  may  not 
follow  such  an  introduction,  at  the  option  of  the  par- 
ties. People  who  meet  at  the  house  of  a  mutual 
friend  need  not  recognize  each  other  as  acquaintances 
if  they  meet  again  elsewhere  unless  they  choose  to 
do  so. 

INTRODUCTION  OF  STRANGERS  OR  FOREIGNERS. 

When  strangers  from  another  town  or  from  a 
foreign  country  are  introduced,  it  is  customary  to 
mention  the  place  from  which  they  come ;  thus : 
"  Mrs.  Ross,  permit  me  to  present  to  you  Mr.  Poole, 
from  New  York."  Or  if  he  has  recently  returned 
from  traveling,  it  is  courteous  to  say,  "  Mr.  Poole, 
recently  returned  from  Europe."  Such  an  announce- 
ment opens  the  way  for  conversation  at  once. 

INTRODUCING  RELATIVES. 

In  introducing  members  of  your  own  family,  be 
careful  not  only  to  specify  the  degree  of  relationship, 
but  to  give  the  name  also.  There  is  nothing  so 
awkward  to  a  stranger  as  to  be  introduced  to  "  My 
brother  Tom,"  or  "  My  sister  Carrie."  When  either 


24  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

the  introducer  or  the  introduced  is  a  married  lady, 
the  most  clever  conjecture  is  not  likely  to  discover 
the  name. 

BESTOWING  OF  TITLES. 

In  introducing  a  person  be  sure  to  give  him  his 
appropriate  title.  If  he  is  a  clergyman,  say  "The 
Rev.  Mr.  Smith."  If  a  doctor  of  divinity,  say  "  The 
Rev.  Dr.  Smith."  If  he  is  a  member  of  Congress, 
call  him  "  Honorable,"  and  specify  to  which  branch  of 
Congress  he  belongs.  If  he  be  governor  of  a  State, 
mention  what  State.  If  he  is  a  man  of  any  celebrity 
in  the  world  of  art  or  letters,  it  is  well  to  mention  the 
fact  something  after  this  manner :  "  Mr.  Brown,  the 
artist,  whose  pictures  you  have  frequently  seen,"  or 
"  Mr.  Jones,  author  of '  The  World  after  the  Deluge/ 
which  you  so  greatly  admired." 

OBLIGATORY  INTRODUCTIONS. 

A  friend  visiting  at  your  house  must  be  introduced 
to  all  callers,  and  courtesy  requires  them  to  culti- 
vate the  acquaintance  while  your  visitor  remains  with 
you.  If  you  are  the  caller  introduced,  you  must 
show  the  same  attention  to  the  friend  of  your  friend 
that  you  would  wish  shown  your  own  friends  under 
the  same  circumstances. 

Friends  meeting  at  public  places  need  not  intro- 
duce each  other  to  the  strangers  who  may  chance  to 
be  with  them ;  and  even  if  the  introduction  does  tike 


INTRODUCTIONS.  2$ 

place,  the  acquaintance  need  not  be  kept  up  unless 
desired. 


THE  OBLIGATIONS  OF  INTRODUCTION. 

Two  persons  who  have  been  properly  introduced 
have  in  future  certain  claims  upon  one  another's  ac- 
quaintance which  should  be  recognized  unless  there 
are  sufficient  reasons  for  overlooking  them.  Even 
in  that  case  good  manners  require  the  formal  bow  of 
recognition  upon  meeting,  which  of  itself  encour- 
ages no  familiarity.  Only  a  very  ill-bred  person  will 
meet  another  with  a  vacant  stare. 

THE  LADY'S  PREROGATIVE. 

It  is  the  lady's  privilege  to  take  the  initiative  in 
recognition  after  an  introduction,  and  the  gentleman 
is  bound  to  return  the  bow. 

LIFTING  THE  HAT. 

A  gentleman,  in  bowing  to  a  lady  upon  the  street, 
should  not  merely  touch  his  hat,  but  should  lift  it 
from  his  head. 

MODE  OF  SALUTATION  AFTER  INTRODUCTION. 

A  slight  bow  is  all  that  courtesy  requires  after  an 
introduction.  Shaking  hands  is  optional,  and  it 
should  rest  with  the  older,  or  the  superior  in  social 
standing,  to  make  the  advances.  It  is  often  an  act 
of  kindness  on  their  part,  and  as  such  to  be  com- 


26  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

mended.      An   unmarried    lady   should   not   shake 
hands  with  gentlemen  indiscriminately. 

MEETING  IN  THE  STREET. 

If  while  walking  with  one  friend  you  meet  a 
second,  and  the  two  are  unacquainted,  and  you  stop 
a  moment  to  speak  with  the  friend  whom  you  have 
met,  it  is  not  necessary  to  introduce  the  two  who 
are  strangers  to  one  another,  though  when  you 
separate  the  friend  who  accompanies  you  should 
give  a  parting  salutation  the  same  as  yourself.  The 
same  rule  holds  good  if  the  friend  whom  you  meet 
chances  to  be  a  lady. 

In  introducing  persons  in  public  speak  the  names 
as  low  as  possible  consistent  with  distinctness,  that 
all  the  world  may  not  hear  them. 

THE  "CUT." 

The  "cut  direct"  is  only  justified  in  case  of  ex- 
traordinary and  notorious  bad  conduct  on  the  part 
of  the  individual  "cut,"  and  is  very  rarely  indeed 
called  for.  In  truth,  one  should  have  sufficient  self- 
poise  and  conscious  dignity  to  feel  that  his  or  her 
own  character  can  never  suffer  by  an  act  of  common 
courtesy  to  any  person  whatever. 

ACQUAINTANCES  FORMED  IN  TRAVELING. 

Gentlemen,  and  ladies  who  have  reached  middle 
age,  may  form  acquaintances  in  traveling  without 
the  formality  of  introduction;  but  such  acquaint- 


INTRODUCTIONS.  2J 

anceship  should  be  conducted  with  a  certain  amount 
of  reserve,  and  need  not  be  prolonged  beyond  the 
time  of  casual  meeting.  The  slightest  approach  to 
disrespect  or  familiarity  of  manner  should  be  checked 
by  dignified  silence.  This  privilege  of  chance  ac- 
quaintanceship is  not  accorded  to  a  young  lady. 

LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION. 

Use  the  utmost  caution  in  giving  letters  of  intro- 
duction. Do  not  give  one  under  any  circumstances 
unless  you  are  perfectly  well  acquainted  with  the 
person  to  be  introduced  and  the  person  to  whom 
the  letter  is  directed,  and  are  morally  certain  that 
such  a  letter  will  conduce  to  the  pleasure  of  both. 
A  letter  of  introduction  lays  the  recipient  under  cer- 
tain obligations  which  he  cannot  well  avoid,  and 
which,  under  certain  circumstances,  he  may  find  very 
inconvenient,  or,  if  the  person  introduced  does  not 
prove  pleasing  to  him,  very  disagreeable. 

A  letter  of  introduction  should  be  left  unsealed, 
that  the  party  delivering  it  may  read  it  if  he  will. 

It  is  best  not  to  deliver  a  letter  of  introduction  in 
person.  Doing  so  necessitates  a  very  awkward 
moment  to  both  parties  while  the  letter  is  being 
read.  It  should  be  sent  with  the  card  bearing  the 
name  and  address  of  the  sender  enclosed. 

The  receiver  of  a  letter  of  introduction  should 
call  upon  the  person  introduced,  or  leave  his  or  her 
card  the  next  day,  and  the  call  should  be  returned. 

A  lady  receiving  a  letter  introducing  a  gentleman 


28  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

should  send  him  a  note  inviting  him  to  pay  her  a 
morning  or  evening  visit. 

Any  recipient  of  a  letter  of  introduction  should, 
as  soon  as  convenient,  invite  the  person  recom- 
mended to  his  or  her  attention  to  a  dinner-party  (if 
practicable)  at  which  there  shall  be  other  persons 
present  with  whom  it  may  agreeable  for  the  stranger 
to  make  acquaintance.  Every  other  attention  in  the 
person's  power  should  be  shown  to  render  the  visit 
or  stay  of  the  party  introduced  agreeable.  Among 
these  attentions  should  be  included  accompanying 
him  or  her  to  places  of  interest 


CHAPTER  III. 

SALUTATIONS. 

A  LADY  of  rank,  speaking  of  salutations, 
makes  the  following  remarks:  "It  would 
seem  that  good  manners  were  originally  the  expres- 
sion of  submission  from  the  weaker  to  the  stronger. 
In  a  rude  state  of  society  every  salutation  is  to  this 
day  an  act  of  worship.  Hence  the  commonest  acts, 
phrases  and  signs  of  courtesy  with  which  we  are  now 
familiar  date  from  those  earlier  stages  when  the 
strong  hand  ruled  and  the  inferior  demonstrated  his 
allegiance  by  studied  servility.  Let  us  take,  for  ex- 
ample, the  words  '  sir'  and  '  madam.'  '  Sir'  is  derived 
from  seigneur,  sieur,  and  originally  meant  lord,  king, 
ruler  and,  in  its  patriarchal  sense,  father.  The  title 
of  sire  was  last  borne  by  some  of  the  ancient  feudal 
families  of  France,  who,  as  Selden  has  said,  *  affected 
rather  to  be  styled  by  the  name  of  sire  than  baron, 
as  Le  Sire  de  Montmorenci  and  the  like.'  '  Madam  '  or 
'madame,'  corrupted  by  servants  into  '  ma'am,'  and  by 
Mrs.  Gamp  and  her  tribe  into  'mum/  is  in  substance 
equivalent  to  'your  exalted,'  or  'your  highness,'  ma- 
dame  originally  meaning  high-born  or  stately,  and 
being  applied  only  to  ladies  of  the  highest  rank. 

29 


30  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

"  To  turn  to  our  every-day  forms  of  salutation. 
We  take  off  our  hats  on  visiting  an  acquaintance. 
We  bow  on  being  introduced  to  strangers.  We  rise 
when  visitors  enter  our  drawing-room.  We  wave 
our  hand  to  our  friend  as  he  passes  the  window  or 
drives  away  from  our  door.  The  Oriental,  in  like 
manner,  leaves  his  shoes  on  the  threshold  when  he 
pays  a  visit.  The  natives  of  the  Tonga  Islands  kiss 
the  soles  of  a  chieftain's  feet.  The  Siberian  peasant 
grovels  in  the  dust  before  a  Russian  noble.  Each 
of  these  acts  has  a  primary,  a  historical  significance. 
The  very  word  '  salutation/  in  the  first  place,  derived 
as  it  is  from  salutatio,  the  daily  homage  paid  by  a 
Roman  client  to  his  patron,  suggests  in  itself  a  his- 
tory of  manners. 

"  To  bare  the  head  was  originally  an  act  of  sub- 
mission to  gods  and  rulers.  A  bow  is  a  modified 
prostration.  A  lady's  curtsey  is  a  modified  genu- 
flection. Rising  and  standing  are  acts  of  homage ; 
and  when  we  wave  our  hand  to  a  friend  on  the  oppo- 
site side  of  the  street,  we  are  unconsciously  imitating 
the  Romans,  who,  as  Selden  tells  us,  used  to  stand 
'  somewhat  off  before  the  images  of  their  gods,  sol- 
emnly moving  the  right  hand  to  the  lips  and  casting 
it,  as  if  they  had  cast  kisses.'  Again,  men  remove 
the  glove  when  they  shake  hands  with  a  lady — a 
custom  evidently  of  feudal  origin.  The  knight  re- 
moved his  iron  gauntlet,  the  pressure  of  which  would 
have  been  all  too  harsh  for  the  palm  of  a  fair  chate 


SALUTATIONS.  3 1 

laine  ;  and  the  custom,  which  began  in  necessity,  has 
traveled  down  to  us  as  a  point  of  etiquette." 

SALUTATIONS  OF  DIFFERENT  NATIONS. 

Each  nation  has  its  own  method  of  salutation.  In 
Southern  Africa  it  is  the  custom  to  rub  toes.  In 
Lapland  your  friend  rubs  his  nose  against  yours. 
The  Turk  folds  his  arms  upon  his  breast  and  bends 
his  head  very  low.  The  Moors  of  Morocco  have  a 
somewhat  startling  mode  of  salutation.  They  ride 
at  a  gallop  toward  a  stranger,  as  though  they  would 
unhorse  him,  and  when  close  at  hand  suddenly 
check  their  horse  and  fire  a  pistol  over  the  person's 
head.  The  Egyptian  solicitously  asks  you,  "  How 
do  you  perspire  ?"  and  lets  his  hand  fall  to  the  knee. 
The  Chinese  bows  low  and  inquires,  "  Have  you 
eaten?"  The  Spaniard  says,  "God  be  with  you, 
sir,"  or,  "  How  do  you  stand  ?"  And  the"  Neapoli- 
tan piously  remarks,  "  Grow  in  holiness."  The  Ger- 
man asks,  "  Wie  gehts  f" — How  goes  it  with  you  ? 
The  Frenchman  bows  profoundly  and  inquires, 
"  How  do  you  carry  yourself?" 

Foreigners  are  given  to  embracing.  In  France 
and  Germany  the  parent  kisses  his  grown-up  son  on 
the  forehead,  men  throw  their ^rms  around  the  necks 
of  their  friends,  and  brothers  embrace  like  lovers. 
It  is  a  curious  sight  to  Americans,  with  their  natural 
prejudices  against  publicity  in  kissing. 

In  England  and  America  there  are  three  modes 
of  salutation — the  bow,  the  handshake  and  the  kiss. 


32  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

THE  Bow. 

The  bow  is  the  proper  mode  of  salutation  to  ex- 
change between  acquaintances  in  public,  and,  in  cer- 
tain circumstances,  in  private.  The  bow  should 
never  be  a  mere  nod.  A  gentleman  should  raise 
his  hat  completely  from  his  head  and  slightly  in- 
cline the  whole  body.  Ladies  should  recognize 
their  gentleman  friends  with  a  bow  or  graceful  in- 
clination. It  is  their  place  to  bow  first,  although 
among  intimate  acquaintances  the  recognition  may 
be  simultaneous. 

A  young  lady  should  show  the  same  deference  to 
an  elderly  lady,  or  one  occupying  a  higher  social 
position,  that  a  gentleman  does  to  a  lady. 

A  well-bred  man  always  removes  his  cigar  from 
his  lips  whenever  he  bows  to  a  lady. 

A  slight  acquaintance  should  always  receive  the 
courtesy  of  a  bow ;  and  it  is  absurd  that  you  should 
refuse  to  recognize  a  person  in  the  street  because  you 
may  happen  to  have  a  trifling  difference  with  him. 

WORDS  OF  SALUTATION. 

The  most  common  forms  of  salutation  are — "  How 
d'ye  do  ?"  "  How  are  -you  ?"  "  Good-morning,"  and 
"  Good-evening."  The  two  latter  forms  seem  the 
most  appropriate,  as  it  is  most  absurd  to  ask  after  a 
person's  health  and  not  stop  to  receive  the  answer. 
A  respectful  bow  should  always  accompany  the 
words  of  salutation. 


SALUTATIONS.  33 

SHAKING  HANDS. 

Among  friends  the  shaking  of  the  hand  is  the 
most  genuine  and  cordial  expression  of  good-will. 
It  is  not  necessary,  though  in  certain  cases  it  is  not 
forbidden,  upon  introduction;  but  when  acquaint- 
anceship has  reached  any  degree  of  intimacy,  it  is 
perfectly  proper. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  HANDSHAKING. 

Says  an  authority  upon  this  subject:  "The  eti- 
quette of  handshaking  is  simple.  A  man  has  no 
right  to  take  a  lady's  hand  until  it  is  offered.  He 
has  even  less  right  to  pinch  or  retain  it.  Two  ladies 
shake  hands  gently  and  softly.  A  young  lady  gives 
her  hand,  but  does  not  shake  a  gentleman's  unless 
she  is  his  friend.  A  lady  should  always  rise  to  give 
her  hand ;  a  gentleman,  of  course,  never  dares  to  do 
so  seated.  On  introduction  in  a  room  a  married 
lady  generally  offers  her  hand ;  a  young  lady,  not. 
In  a  ballroom,  where  the  introduction  is  to  dancing, 
not  to  friendship,  you  never  shake  hands ;  and  as  a 
general  rule,  an  introduction  is  not  followed  by  shak- 
ing hands,  only  by  a  bow.  It  may  perhaps  be  laid 
down  that  the  more  public  the  place  of  introduction, 
the  less  handshaking  takes  place.  But  if  the  intro- 
duction be  particular,  if  it  be  accompanied  by  personal 
recommendation,  such  as,  '  I  want  you  to  know  my 
friend  Jones/  or  if  Jones  comes  with  a  letter  of  pres- 
entation, then  you  give  Jones  your  hand,  and  warmly 


34  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

too.  Lastly,  it  is  the  privilege  of  a  superior  to  offer 
or  withhold  his  or  her  hand,  so  that  an  inferior 
should  never  put  his  forward  first." 

When  a  lady  so  far  puts  aside  her  reserve  as  to 
shake  hands  at  all,  she  should  give  her  hand  with 
frankness  and  cordiality.  There  should  be  equal 
frankness  and  cordiality  on  the  gentleman's  part, 
and  even  more  warmth,  though  a  careful  avoidance 
of  anything  like  offensive  familiarity  or  that  which 
might  be  mistaken  as  such.  A  lady  who  has  only 
two  fingers  to  give  in  handshaking  had  better  keep 
them  to  herself;  and  a  gentleman  who  rudely  presses 
the  hand  offered  him  in  salutation,  or  too  violently 
shakes  it,  ought  never  to  have  an  opportunity  to 
repeat  his  offence. 

In  shaking  hands  the  right  hand  should  always 
be  offered,  unless  it  be  so  engaged  as  to  make  it 
impossible,  and  then  an  excuse  should  be  offered. 
The  French  give  the  left  hand,  as  nearest  the  heart. 

Strict  etiquette  requires  that  a  gentleman  should 
remove  his  glove  previous  to  shaking  hands,  but 
common  sense  and  the  example  of  many  well-bred 
people  sanction  its  retention  upon  the  hand  if  there 
is  any  difficulty  or  inconvenience  in  removing  it. 

The  mistress  of  a  household  should  offer  her 
hand  to  every  guest. 

THE  Kiss. 

The  most  familiar  and  affectionate  form  of  salu- 
tation is  the  kiss.  It  need  scarcely  be  said  that 


SALUTATIONS.  35 

this  is  only  proper  on  special  occasions  and  between 
special  parties. 

THE  Kiss  OF  RESPECT. 

The  kiss  of  mere  respect — almost  obsolete,  I  am 
sorry  to  say,  in  this  country — is  made  on  the  hand. 
This  custom  is  retained  in  Germany  and  among 
gentlemen  of  the  most  courtly  manners  in  England. 

THE  Kiss  OF  FRIENDSHIP. 

The  kiss  of  friendship  and  relationship  is  on  the 
cheeks  and  forehead.  As  a  general  rule,  this  act 
of  affection  is  excluded  from  public  eyes  in  this 
country — in  the  case  of  parents  and  children  un- 
necessarily so;  for  there  is  no  more  pleasing  and 
touching  sight  than  to  see  a  young  man  kiss  h,3 
mother,  or  a  young  woman  her  father,  upon  meeting 
or  parting. 

WOMEN  KISSING  IN  PUBLIC. 

Custom  seems  to  give  a  kind  of  sanction  to 
women  kissing  each  other  in  public ;  but  there  is, 
nevertheless,  a  touch  of  vulgarity  about  it,  and  a 
lady  of  really  delicate  perceptions  will  avoid  it.  I 
think  every  effort  should  be  made  to  bring  the 
practice  into  disuse. 

THE  LOVERS'  Kiss. 

It  is  hardly  necessary  to  say  that  the  lovers'  kiss 
is  never  paraded  in  public. 


CHAPTER   IV. 

CONVERSA  TION. 

THE  very  first  requisite  of  a  good  conversation- 
alist is  to  be  a  good  listener.     The  second 
is  to  know  what  not  to  say.     The  third-  is  to  have 
ideas  and  be  able  to  express  them  concisely,  intelli- 
gently and  agreeably. 

LISTENING. 

The  faculty  of  listening  with  interest  and  atten- 
tion is  one  which  should  be  specially  cultivated. 
No  matter  if  the  talker  is  prosy  and  prolix,  the 
well-bred  listener  will  appear  interested,  and  at  ap- 
propriate intervals  make  such  remarks  as  shall  show 
that  he  has  heard  and  understood  all  that  has  been 
said.  Certain  superficial  people  are  apt  to  style 
this  hypocrisy;  but  if  it  is,  it  is  an  exceedingly 
commendable  hypocrisy,  directly  founded  on  the 
golden  rule  which  commands  us  to  show  the  same 
courtesy  to  others  that  we  hope  to  receive  our- 
selves. This  golden  rule  is,  in  fact,  the  foundation 
of  all  true  etiquette.  We  are  commanded  to  check 
our  impulses,  conceal  our  dislikes,  and  even  modify 
our  likings,  whenever  and  wherever  they  are  liable 

36 


CONVERSATION.  37 

to  give  offence  or  pain  to  others.  The  person  who 
turns  away  with  manifest  displeasure,  disgust  or 
want  of  interest  when  another  is  addressing  him, 
is  guilty  not  only  of  an  ill-bred,  but  a  cruel,  act. 

.     SPEAKING  ONE'S  MIND. 

Another  grievous  mistake  which  certain  honest 
but  unthinking  people  are  liable  to  fall  into  is  that 
of  "speaking  their  mind  "  on  all  occasions  and  under 
all  circumstances.  Especially  do  they  take  credit  to 
themselves  for  their  courage  if  their  freedom  of 
speech  happens  to  give  offence  to  their  listeners. 
Will  not  reflection  show  how  cruel  and  unjust  this 
is  ?  The  law  restrains  us  from  inflicting  bodily  in- 
jury upon  those  with  whom  we  disagree,  yet  there 
is  no  legal  preventive  against  this  wounding  of  the 
feelings. 

UNWISE  EXPRESSION  OF  OPINION. 

Still  another  class  of  people — people  with  the 
best  intentions — feel  it  a  duty  which  they  take  a 
satisfaction  in  performing,  to  parade  their  opinions 
on  all  occasions,  opportune  or  inopportune.  Such 
people  should  reflect  that  even  the  highest  truth  will 
suffer  from  an  unwise  and  .over-zealous  advocacy. 
Courtesy  requires  that  we  give  to  the  opinions  of 
others  the  same  toleration  that  we  exact  for  our  own, 
and  good  sense  should  cause  us  to  remember  that 
we  are  never  likely  to  convert  a  person  to  our  views 
when  we  begin  by  violating  his  notions  of  propriety 


3$  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

and  exciting  his  prejudices.     A  silent  advocate  of  a 
cause  is  always  better  than  an  indiscreet  one. 

PUBLIC  MENTION  OF  PRIVATE  MATTERS. 

Another  error  of  conversation  is  that  of  parading 
merely  private  matters  before  a  public  of  mixed  as- 
sembly or  to  acquaintances.  Be  assured,  if  strangers 
really  wish  to  become  informed  about  you  or  your 
affairs,  they  will  find  the  means  to  gratify  their  curi- 
osity without  your  advising  them  gratuitously.  Be- 
sides, personal  and  family  affairs,  no  matter  how 
interesting  they  may  be  to  the  parties  immediately 
concerned,  are  generally  of  little  moment  to  out- 
siders. Still  less  will  the  well-bred  person  inquire 
into  or  narrate  the  private  affairs  of  any  other  family 
or  individual. 

OSTENTATIOUS  DISPLAY  OF  KNOWLEDGE. 

In  refined  and  intelligent  society  one  should  always 
display  himself  at  his  best  and  make  a  proper  and 
legitimate  use  of  all  such  acquirements  as  he  may 
happen  to  have.  But  there  should  be  no  ostentatious 
or  pedantic  show  of  erudition.  Besides  being  vul- 
gar, such  a  show  subjects  the  person  to  ridicule. 

PRUDERY. 

Avoid  an  affectation  of  excessive  modesty.  Do  not 
use  the  word  "  limb"  for  "  leg."  If  legs  are  really 
improper,  then  let  us  on  no  account  mention  them. 


CONVERSA  TIOX.  39 

But  having  found  it  necessary  to  mention  them,  let 
us  by  all  means  give  them  their  appropriate  name. 
The  change  of  name  of  an  improper  or  offensive 
object  cannot  change  the  idea  suggested  by  it. 
However,  the  impropriety  consists  not  in  the  tabooed 
objects  themselves,  but  in  the  mind  of  the  person 
who  has  connected  prurient  ideas  with  them. 

DOUBLE   ENTENDRES. 

I  need  not  say  that  no  person  of  decency,  still  less 
delicacy,  will  be  guilty  of  a  double  entendre.  Still, 
as  there  are  persons  in  the  world  possessing  neither 
of  these  characteristics  who  will  be  guilty  of  them  in 
the  presence  of  people  more  respectable  than  them- 
selves, and  as  the  young  and  inexperienced  are  some- 
times in  doubt  how  to  receive  them,  it  is  well  to  make 
some  reference  to  them  in  a  book  of  this  character. 
A  well-bred  person  always  refuses  to  understand  a 
phrase  of  doubtful  meaning.  If  the  phrase  may  be 
interpreted  decently,  and  with  such  interpretation 
would  provoke  a  smile,  then  smile  to  just  the  degree 
called  for  by  such  interpretation,  and  no  more.  The 
prudery  which  sits  in  solemn  and  severe  rebuke  at 
a  double  entendre  is  only  second  in  indelicacy  to  the 
indecency  which  grows  hilarious  over  it,  since  both 
must  recognize  the  evil  intent.  It  is  sufficient  to  let 
it  pass  unrecognized. 

INDELICATE  WORDS  AND  EXPRESSIONS. 
Not  so  when  one  hears  an  indelicate  word  or  ex- 


4O  OUR  BEHAVICR. 

pression,  which  allows  of  no  possible  harmless  inter- 
pretation. Then  not  the  shadow  of  a  smile  should 
flit  across  the  lips.  Either  complete  silence  should 
be  preserved  in  return  or  the  words,  "  I  do  not  un- 
derstand you,"  be  spoken.  A  lady  will  always  fail 
to  hear  that  which  she  should  not  hear,  or,  having 
unmistakably  heard,  she  will  not  understand. 

Apropos  of  this  is  an  anecdote  which  I  have  just 
listened  to  from  an  elderly  lady.  In  her  youth  this 
lady  was  once  in  the  streets  of  the  city  alone  after 
dark,  and  a  man  accosted  her.  She  replied  to  him 
in  French.  He  followed  her  some  distance,  trying  to 
open  a  conversation  with  her ;  but  as  she  persisted 
in  replying  only  in  French,  he  at  last  turned  away, 
completely  baffled  in  his  efforts  to  understand  or  be 
understood. 

PROFANITY. 

No  gentleman  uses  profane  language.  Having 
stated  this,  it  is  unnecessary  to  add  that  no  gentle- 
man uses  profane  language  in  the  presence  of  a  lady. 

VULGAR  EXCLAMATIONS. 

No  lady,  if  she  wishes  to  preserve  unsullied  her 
patent  of  ladyhood,  will  be  guilty  of  any  feminine 
substitute  for  profanity.  The  woman  who  exclaims 
"  The  dickens  !"  or  "  Mercy !"  or  "  Goodness  !"  when 
she  is  annoyed  or  astonished  is  as  vulgar  in  spirit, 
though  perhaps  not  quite  so  regarded  by  society,  as 
though  she  had  used  expressions  which  in  print  are 


CONVERSATION.  41 

generally  indicated  by  an  initial  letter  and  a  dash. 
It  is  curious  how  these  profane  and  nonsensical  ex- 
clamations cling  to  the  language,  and  are  even  trans- 
ferred from  one  language  to  another.  Thus  the  lady 
who  innocently  sighs,  "Ah,  dear  me!"  has  no  sus- 
picion that  she  is  using  profane  Italian,  saying,  "Ah, 
Dio  mioT  (Ah,  my  God !). 

SLANG. 

We  need  scarcely  speak  of  the  vulgarity  of  slang. 
Only  the  uncultivated  and  coarse  will  ever  soil  their 
lips  with  it. 

HIGH-FLOWN  LANGUAGE. 

Precisely  the  reverse  of  this,  yet  giving  scarcely 
less  evidence  of  want  of  proper  cultivation,  is  the 
assumption  of  refinement  in  the  choice  of  language. 
Some  people  never  "  go  to  bed ;"  they  "  retire." 
They  never  "read"  a  book  or  paper,  but  "peruse" 
it.  They  " purchase  "  instead  of  "  buy;"  they  never 
"•wish,"  but  "desire."  They  are  never  guilty  of 
commonplace  "  talking ;"  they  always  "  converse." 
The  best  talkers  and  writers  express  their  ideas  in 
the  plainest  and  simplest  language. 

USE  OF  FOREIGN  LANGUAGE. 

Akin  to  this  fault  is  the  habit  of  introducing 
words  'or  phrases  of  French  or  other  foreign  lan- 
guages into  common  conversation.  This  is  only 
allowable  in  writing,  and  not  then  except  when  the 
foreign  word  or  phrase  expresses  more  clearly  and 


42  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

directly  than    English   can    do  the   desired   mean 
ing.     In  familiar  conversation  this  is  an   affectation 
only  pardonable  when  all  persons  present  ate  per- 
fectly familiar  with  the  language. 

UNDUE  FAMILIARITY. 

Avoid  all  coarseness  and  familiarity  in  address- 
ing others.  A  person  who  makes  himself  offens- 
ively familiar  will  have  few  friends. 

PRETENCES. 

Avoid  all  pretence  at  gentility.  Pass  for  what 
you  are,  and  nothing  more.  If  you  are  obliged  to 
make  any  little  economies,  do  not  be  ashamed  to 
acknowledge  them  as  economies  if  it  becomes 
necessary  to  speak  of  them  at  all.  If  you  keep  no 
carriage,  do  not  be  over-solicitous  to  impress  your 
friends  that  the  sole  reason  for  this  deficiency  is 
because  you  prefer  to  walk.  Do  not  be  ashamed 
of  poverty;  but,  on  the  other  hand,  do  not  flaunt 
its  rags  unmercifully  in  the  face  of  others.  It  is 
best  to  say  nothing  about  it  either  in  excuse  or 
defence. 

ARISTOCRATIC  ASSUMPTIONS. 

Do  not,  of  all  things,  in  this  republican  country, 
boast  of  blood  and  family  and  talk  of  belonging  to 
the  "aristocracy."  Nor,  unless  you  wish  to  be  set 
down  as  a  superlative  fool  by  all  sensible  people. 
put  your  servants  in  livery  and  a  coat  of  arms 


CONVERSATION.  43 

upon  the  panels  of  your  carriage  and  upon   your 

plate. 

INTERRUPTIONS  IN  CONVERSATION. 

Never  interrupt  a  person  who  is  speaking.  Wait 
until  you  are  sure  he  has  finished  what  he  has  to 
say  before  you  attempt  to  speak. 

DOGMATIC  STYLE  OF  SPEAKING. 

Never  speak  dogmatically  or  with  an  assumption 
of  knowledge  or  information  beyond  that  of  those 
with  whom  you  are  conversing.  Even  if  you  are 
conscious  of  this  superiority,  a  proper  and  becoming 
modesty  will  lead  you  to  conceal  it  as  far  as  pos- 
sible, that  you  may  not  put  to  shame  or  humilia- 
tion those  less  fortunate  than  yourself.  At  all 
events,  they  will  discover  your  superiority  or  they 
will  not.  If  they  discover  it  of  their  own  accord, 
they  will  have  much  more  admiration  for  you  than 
though  you  forced  the  recognition  upon  them.  If 
they  do  not  discover  it,  rest  assured  you  cannot 
force  it  upon  their  perceptions,  and  they  will  only 
hold  you  in  contempt  for  trying  to  do  so.  Besides, 
there  is  the  possibility  that  you  over-estimate  your- 
self, and  instead  of  being  a  wise  man  you  are  only  a 
self-sufficient  fool. 

FLATTERY. 

Do  not  be  guilty  of  flattery.  Commend  the  esti- 
mable traits  of  your  friends  to  others  whenever  and 
wherever  you  can,  and  you  may  even  express  your 


44  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

honest  approval  directly  to  them  if  you  possess  a 
delicate  tact.  Indeed,  it  is  one  of  the  most  impera- 
tive social  duties  to  let  others  see  our  appreciation 
of  the  good  in  their  characters  or  actions.  But 
beware  of  insincere  praise  bestowed  from  an  un- 
worthy motive. 

FAULTFINDING. 

Do  not  be  censorious  or  faultfinding.  Long  and 
close  friendship  may  sometimes  excuse  one  friend  in 
reproving  or  criticising  another,  but  it  must  always  be 
done  in  the  kindest  and  gentlest  manner,  and  in  nine 
cases  out  of  ten  had  best  be  left  undone.  When 
one  is  inclined  to  be  censorious  or  critical,  it  is  well 
to  remember  the  scriptural  injunction,  "  First  cast 
the  beam  out  of  thine  own  eye,  and  then  shalt  thou 
see  clearly  to  cast  the  mote  out  of  thy  brother's 
eye." 

EVIL  SPEAKING. 

Never  attack  the  characters  of  others  in  their 
absence;  and  if  you  hear  others  attacked,  say  what 
you  can  consistently  to  defend  them. 

TOPICS  TO  BE  AVOIDED. 

Avoid  political  or  religious  topics  in  general  con- 
versation, also  in  a  tete-a-tete  conversation  if  there  is 
any  likelihood  of  your  listener  differing  with  you. 
These  topics  always  call  out  strong  personal  feeling, 
and  when  a  difference  of  opinion  arises,  there  almost 
invariably  follows  a  warmth  of  expression  which  is 


CON  VERSA  TION.  45 

certain  to  be  regretted  after  the  heat  of  the  argument 
has  died  away. 

EGOTISM. 

Do  not  be  egotistic.  If  you  find  yourself  using 
the  pronoun  "I"  too  much,  change  the  topic  of 
conversation  to  a  less  personal  one. 

WIT. 

Be  witty  and  amusing  if  you  like,  or  rather  if 
you  can ;  but  never  use  your  wit  at  the  expense  of 
others. 

DISPLAY  OF  EMOTIONS. 

It  is  needless  to  say,  avoid  all  exhibitions  of  temper 
before  others  if  you  find  it  impossible  to  suppress 
them  entirely.  All  emotions,  whether  of  grief  or 
joy,  should  be  subdued  in  public,  and  only  allowed 
full  play  in  the  privacy  of  our  own  apartments. 

CORRECT  SPEECH. 

Be  careful  to  speak  correctly  yourself,  but  never 
take  notice  of  the  inaccuracies  of  either  grammar  or 
pronunciation  of  others. 

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS. 

Do  not  appear  to  be  preoccupied  in  the  presence 
of  others.  Lord  Chesterfield  said :  "  When  I  see  a 
man  absent  in  mind,  I  choose  to  be  absent  in  body." 

WHISPERING  IN  COMPANY. 
Never  whisper  in  company.     Neither  engage  a 


46  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

single  individual  in  the  discussion  of  matters  which 
are  not  understood  by  the  others  present. 

PRIVATE  AFFAIRS  OF  OTHERS. 

Never  directly  or  indirectly  refer  to  the  affairs  of 
others  which  it  may  give  them  pain  in  any  degree  to 
recall. 

IMPERTINENT  QUESTIONS. 

Never  ask  impertinent  questions ;  and  under  this 
head  may  be  included  nearly  all  questions.  Some 
authorities  in  etiquette  go  so  far  as  to  say  that  all 
questions  are  strictly  tabooed.  Thus,  if  you  wished 
to  inquire  after  the  health  of  the  brother  of  your 
friend,  you  would  say,  "  I  hope  your  brother  is  well," 
not,  "  How  is  your  brother's  health  ?" 

THE  CONFIDENCE  OF  OTHERS. 

Never  try  to  force  yourself  into  the  confidence  of 
others ;  but  if  they  give  you  their  confidence  of 
their  own  free  will,  let  nothing  whatever  induce  you 
to  betray  it.  Never  seek  to  pry  into  a  secret,  and 
never  divulge  one. 

UNPLEASANT  TOPICS  OF  CONVERSATION. 

Never  introduce  unpleasant  topics  or  describe  re- 
volting scenes  in  general  company. 

GIVING  UNSOUGHT  ADVICE. 

Never  give  officious  advice.  Even  when  your  ad- 
vice is  sought,  be  sparing  of  it. 


CONVERSA  TION.  47 

CANT. 

If  you  are  talking  on  religious  subjects,  avoid  all 
cant.  Cant  words  and  phrases  may  be  used  in  good 
faith  from  the  force  of  habit,  but  their  use  subjects 
the  speaker  to  a  suspicion  of  insincerity. 

CONVERSING  WITH  LADIES. 

If  you  are  a  gentleman,  never  lower  the  intellect- 
ual standard  of  your  conversation  in  addressing 
ladies.  Pay  them  the  compliment  of  seeming  to 
consider  them  capable  of  an  equal  understanding 
with  gentlemen.  You  will,  no  doubt,  be  somewhat 
surprised  to  find  in  how  many  cases  the  supposition 
will  be  grounded  on  fact,  and  in  the  few  instances 
where  it  is  not  the  ladies  will  be  pleased  rather  than 
offended  at  the  delicate  compliment  you  pay  them. 
When  you  "  come  down"  to  commonplace  or  small- 
talk  with  an  intelligent  lady,  one  of  two  things  is 
the  consequence :  she  either  recognizes  the  conde- 
scension and  despises  you,  or  else  she  accepts  it  as 
the  highest  intellectual  effort  of  which  you  are  capa 
ble,  and  rates  you  accordingly. 

CONGENIAL  SUBJECTS  OF  CONVERSATION. 

Still,  you  should  always  try  to  adapt  your  conver- 
sation to  the  tastes  of  those  with  whom  you  are  con- 
versing. If  you  can  contrive  delicately  to  speak  of 
matters  in  which  the  person  is  specially  interested, 
such  as  her  children  to  a  mother,  to  an  author  on 


48  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

the  subject  of  his  forthcoming  book,  and  so  on,  you 
will  be  considered  an  especially  agreeable  com- 
panion. 

HOBBIES. 

People  with  hobbies  are  at  once  the  easiest  and 
most  difficult  persons  with  whom  to  engage  in  con- 
versation. On  general  subjects  they  are  idealess  and 
voiceless  beyond  monosyllables.  But  introduce  their 
special  hobby,  and  if  you  choose  you  need  only  to 
listen.  There  is  much  profit  to  be  derived  from  the 
conversation  of  these  persons.  They  will  give  you 
a  clearer  idea  of  the  aspects  of  any  subject  or  theory 
which  they  may  have  taken  to  heart  than  you  could 
perhaps  gain  in  any  other  way. 

The  too  constant  riding  of  hobbies  is  not,  however, 
to  be  specially  commended.  An  individual,  though 
he  may  be  pardoned  in  cultivating  special  tastes, 
should  yet  be  possessed  of  sufficiently  broad  and 
general  information  to  be  able  to  converse  intelli- 
gently on  all  subjects,  and  he  should,  as  far  as  pos- 
sible, reserve  his  hobby-riding  for  exhibition  before 
those  who  ride  hobbies  the  same  as  or  similar  to  his 
own. 

The  foregoing  rules  are  not  simply  intended  as 
good  advice.  They  are  strict  laws  of  etiquette,  to 
violate  any  one  of  which  justly  subjects  a  person  to 
the  imputation  of  being  ill-bred.  But  they  should 
not  be  studied  as  mere  arbitrary  rules.  The  heart 
should  be  cultivated  in  the  right  manner  until  the 


CONVERSATION.  49 

acts  of  the  individual  spontaneously  flow  in  the  right 
channels. 

A  recent  writer  remarks  on  this  subject :  "  Con- 
versation is  a  reflex  of  character.  The  pretentious, 
the  illiterate,  the  impatient,  the  curious,  will  as  inev- 
itably betray  their  idiosyncrasies  as  the  modest,  the 
even-tempered  and  the  generous.  Strive  as  we  may, 
we  cannot  always  be  acting.  Let  us,  therefore,  cul- 
tivate a  tone  of  mind  and  a  habit  of  life  the  betrayal 
of  which  need  not  put  us  to  shame  in  the  company 
of  the  pure  and  wise,  and  the  rest  will  be  easy.  If 
we  make  ourselves  worthy  of  refined  and  intelligent 
society,  we  shall  not  be  rejected  from  it ;  and  in  such 
society  we  shall  acquire  by  example  all  that  we  have 
failed  to  learn  from  precept." 

4 


CHAPTER   V. 

THE  ETIQUETTE    OF   VISITS. 

VISITS  are  of  ceremony,  of  condolence,  of  con- 
gratulation   and    of    friendship.       The    three 
former  are  usually  brief  in  duration,  and,  in  contra- 
distinction to  more  lengthy  visits,  denominated  calls. 

CALLS. 

Calls  may  be  made  either  in  the  morning  or  in 
the  evening. 

MORNING  CALLS. 

Morning  calls  should  not  be  made  earlier  than 
twelve  M.  nor  later  than  five  P.  M.  From  twelve 
until  three  are  the  most  fashionable  hours. 

A  morning  call  should  not  exceed  half  an  hour  in 
length.  From  ten  to  twenty  minutes  is  ordinarily 
quite  long  enough.  If  other  visitors  come  in,  the 
visit  should  terminate  as  speedily  as  possible.  Upon 
leaving  bow  slightly  to  the  strangers.  It  is  not 
necessary  to  introduce  visitors  to  each  other  at  a 
morning  call  unless  they  have  indicated  their  desire 
to  be  acquainted. 

In  making  a  call  be  careful  to  avoid  the  lunch-  or 
dinner-hour  of  your  friends. 

50 


THE   ETIQUETTE   OF   VISITS.  5  I 

EVENING  CALLS. 

In  many  cases  it  is  more  convenient  for  both  caller 
and  called  upon  that  the  call  should  be  made  in  the 
evening.  An  evening  call  should  never  take  place 
later  than  nine  o'clock  nor  be  prolonged  after  ten, 
neither  should  it  be  more  than  an  hour  in  length. 

THE  VISITING-CARD. 

On  making  a  call  send  up  your  card  by  the  one 
who  answers  your  summons  at  the  door,  if  the  per- 
son or  persons  called  upon  are  at  home.  This  is  bet- 
ter than  trusting  your  name  to  a  servant,  who  may 
possibly  mispronounce  it.  Leave  your  card  at  the 
door  if  you  find  no  one  at  home.  If  there  are  two 
or  more  ladies  for  whom  the  call  was  intended,  a 
corner  of  the  card  should  be  turned  down. 

INSCRIPTION  ON  VISITING-CARD. 

A  visiting-card  should  bear  simply  the  name  and 
address  of  its  owner.  If  the  person  has  any  legit- 
imate title,  such  as  Dr.  or  Rev.  or  Capt,  it  is  perfectly 
proper  to  prefix  it  to  the  name ;  but  if  the  title  is 
merely  an  honorary  one,  such  as  Prof,  or  Hon., 
good  taste  indicates  that  it  should  be  omitted. 

RECEIVING  A  VISITOR. 

A  gentleman  on  receiving  a  friend  meets  him  at 
the  door  and  places  a  chair  for  him.  A  lady  should 


52  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

rise  to  meet  a  gentleman,  but  need  not  advance  from 
her  seat  if  she  do  not  choose.  She  may  shake  hands 
with  her  guest  if  she  feels  inclined,  or  she  may 
merely  bow.  In  receiving  a  lady  she  should  advance 
to  meet  her. 

DEPARTURE  OF  VISITORS. 

A  gentleman  on  receiving  a  lady  should  not  only 
meet  her  at  the  door  of  the  drawing-room,  but  should 
at  the  end  of  her  call  accompany  her  to  the  steps, 
and  even  to  her  carriage.  A  lady  should  accompany 
a  lady  visitor  to  the  door  on  leaving  unless  other 
guests  claim  her  attention.  If  her  visitor  be  a  gen- 
tleman, she  may  content  herself  with  ringing  for  the 
servant  to  see  him  to  the  door. 

GENERAL  RULES  REGARDING  CALLS. 

In  making  a  formal  call  a  gentleman  should  re- 
tain his  hat  and  gloves  in  his  hand  on  entering  the 
room.  The  hat  should  not  be  laid  upon  a  table  or 
stand,  but  kept  in  the  hand,  unless  it  is  found  neces- 
sary from  some  cause  to  set  it  down.  In  that  case 
deposit  it  upon  the  floor.  An  umbrella  should  be 
left  in  the  hall.  In  an  informal  evening  call  the 
hat,  gloves,  overcoat  and  cane  may  all  be  left  in  the 
hall. 

A  lady  may  in  making  a  call  bring  a  stranger, 
even  a  gentleman,  with  her  without  previous  per- 
mission. A  gentleman  should  never  take  that 
liberty. 


THE  ETIQUETTE   OF   VISITS.  $3 

No  one  should  prolong  a  call  if  the  person  upon 
whom  the  call  is  made  is  found  dressed  ready  to  go 
out. 

Never  look  at  a  watch  during  a  morning  visit. 

A  lady  never  calls  upon  a  gentlemen  except  pro- 
fessionally or  officially. 

A  lady  should  be  more  richly  dressed  when  call- 
ing on  her  friends  than  for  an  ordinary  walk. 

Never  allow  young  children  or  pets  of  any  sort  to 
accompany  you  in  a  call.  They  often  prove  very 
disagreeable  and  troublesome. 

In  receiving  morning  visits  it  is  unnecessary  for 
a  lady  to  lay  aside  any  employment  not  of  an  absorb- 
ing nature  upon  which  she  may  happen  to  be  en- 
gaged. Embroidery,  crocheting  or  light  needle- 
work is  perfectly  in  harmony  with  the  requirements 
of  the  hour,  and  the  lady  looks  much  better  em- 
ployed than  in  perfect  idleness. 

A  lady  should  pay  equal  attention  to  all  her  guests. 
The  display  of  unusual  deference  is  alone  allowable 
when  distinguished  rank  or  reputation  or  advanced 
age  justifies  it. 

A  guest  should  take  the  seat  indicated  by  the 
hostess.  A  gentleman  should  never  seat  himself 
on  a  sofa  beside  her,  or  in  a  chair  in  immediate  prox- 
imity, unless  she  specially  invites  him  to  do  so. 

The  seat  of  honor  in  the  winter  is  in  the  corner 
by  the  fireplace,  and  that  seat  should  be  offered  to 
the  most  distinguished  guest.  If  a  single  lady 
occupies  the  seat  and  a  married  lady  enters,  the 


54  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

former  should  immediately  rise  and  offer  the  latter 
her  seat,  herself  taking  another  chair. 

When  a  person  has  once  risen  to  take  his  leave,  he 
should  not  be  persuaded  to  prolong  his  stay. 

A  caller  should  take  special  pains  to  make  his 
visits  opportune.  On  the  other  hand,  a  lady  should 
always  receive  her  callers  at  whatever  hour  or  day 
they  come  if  it  is  possible  to  do  so. 

"  ENGAGED  "  OR  "  NOT  AT  HOME." 

If  a  lady  is  so  employed  that  she  cannot  do  this, 
she  should  charge  the  servant  who  goes  to  answer 
the  bell  to  say  that  she  is  "  engaged."  This  will 
prove  sufficient  with  all  well-bred  people.  On  no 
account  return  the  message  "engaged"  after  the 
card  or  name  has  been  sent  up.  It  will  in  that  case 
look  as  though  there  were  a  personal  and  special 
reason  for  not  seeing  the  visitor. 

The  servant  should  have  her  orders  to  say  "  en- 
gaged "  before  any  one  has  called,  so  the  lady  shall 
avoid  all  risk  of  being  obliged  to  inconvenience  her- 
self in  receiving  company  when  she  has  intended 
to  deny  herself.  If  there  are  to  be  exceptions  made 
in  favor  of  any  individual  or  individuals,  mention  his 
or  their  names  specially  to  the  servant,  adding  that 
you  will  see  them  if  they  call,  but  to  all  others  you 
are  "  engaged." 

A  lady  should  always  be  dressed  sufficiently  well 
to  receive  company,  and  not  keep  them  waiting  while 
she  is  making  her  toilette. 


THE  ETIQUETTE   OF   VISITS.  55 

RECEPTION  DAYS. 

Some  ladies  receive  only  on  certain  days  or  even- 
ings. But  unless  the  lady  has  professional  duties  or 
is  very  much  occupied  with  social  ones,  there  is  a 
sort  of  affectation  about  this,  as  it  assumes  that  your 
acquaintances  will  specially  charge  themselves  with 
remembering  your  particular  day.  Still,  when  a 
lady  has  made  this  rule,  it  is  considerate  in  her 
friends  to  try  and  observe  it. 

OFFERING  REFRESHMENTS  TO  CALLERS. 

It  is  neither  necessary  nor  customary,  in  cities 
and  towns,  to  offer  refreshments  to  visitors.  But  in 
the  country,  where  the  caller  has  come  from  a  dis- 
tance, it  is  exceedingly  hospitable  to  do  so. 

CALLS  IN  THE  COUNTRY 

May  be  less  ceremonious  and  of  longer  duration 
than  those  made  in  the  city. 

No  hostess  will  ever  leave  the  room,  or  even  rise 
from  her  seat,  if  she  can  avoid  it,  except  to  receive 
or  take  leave  of  other  visitors,  while  her  visitors 
remain. 

Never  touch  an  open  piano  or  walk  around  the 
room  examining  pictures  while  waiting  for  your 
hostess. 

Never  handle  any  ornament  in  the  room  or  play 
with  your  parasol  or  cane  during  your  call. 

In  calling   upon    friends   at  a  boarding-house  or 


5  6  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

hotel,  write  their  names   above  your  own  on  your 
card,  that  the  right  persons  may  be  sure  to  receive  it 

CALLS  DURING  ILLNESS. 

Calls  made  upon  you,  either  in  person  or  by 
card,  during  illness,  must  be  returned  as  soon  as 
your  health  is  restored. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  VISITING-CARD. 

The  card  plays  an  important  role  in  visits. 

A  card  should  always  be  sent  by  the  servant 
who  admits  you  to  the  hostess  who  is  to  receive 
you,  that  there  may  be  no  mistake  in  your  name. 

If  you  find  any  one  absent  from  home  or  en* 
gaged,  a  card  may  be  left  in  lieu  of  a  visit. 

A  married  lady  may  leave  her  husband's  card 
with  her  own. 

Cards  may  be  sent  during  the  illness  of  any  one, 
accompanied  with  verbal  inquiries  concerning  the 
patient's  health. 

In  case  of  visits  of  condolence,  cards  may  be 
made  to  serve  the  purpose  of  an  actual  visit. 

So,  also,  on  occasions  for  congratulation,  if  cir- 
cumstances forbid  an  immediate  formal  visit,  a  card 
should  be  sent  instead. 

A  newly-married  couple  indicate  whom  they  wish*, 
to    retain  for   acquaintances   by  sending   out   their 
cards.     The  reception  of  these  cards  should  be  ac- 
knowledged by  an  early  personal  call. 


THE   ETIQUETTE    OF   VISITS.  $? 

Cards  must  be  left  the  week  following  a  dinner- 
party, ball  or  social  gathering. 

THE  FIRST  TO  CALL. 

Residents  in  a  place  should  make  the  first  call 
upon  new  comers.  This  call  should  be  returned 
within  a  week. 

CALLING  ON  STRANGERS. 

If  there  is  a  stranger  visiting  at  the  house  of  a 
friend,  the  acquaintances  of  the  family  should  be 
punctilious  to  call  at  an  early  date. 

CALLING  ON  AN  INVALID. 

Never  offer  to  go  to  the  room  of  an  invalid  upon 
whom  you  have  called.  Wait  for  an  invitation  to 
be  given  you  to  do  so. 

LAYING  ASIDE  THE  BONNET. 

A  lady  should  never  lay  aside  her  bonnet  during 
a  formal  call  even  though  urged  to  do  so.  If  the 
call  be  a  friendly  and  unceremonious  one,  she  may 
do  so  if  she  thinks  proper,  though  never  without  an 
invitation. 

If  you  should  call  upon  a  friend  and  find  a  party 
assembled,  remain  a  short  time  and  converse  in  an 
unembarrassed  manner,  and  then  withdraw,  refusing 
invitations  to  remain  unless  they  be  very  pressing 
and  apparently  sincere. 


58  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

VISITS  OF  CONDOLENCE. 

Visits  of  condolence  should  be  paid  as  soon  as 
practicable  after  the  event  which  occasions  them. 
They  should  be  brief.  The  dress  of  the  caller 
should  be  plain  in  style  and  subdued  in  color. 
The  conversation  should  be  in  harmony  with  the 
character  of  the  visit,  avoiding  every  gay  and  trifling 
subject,  yet  leaving  it  optional  with  those  to  whom 
you  would  offer  your  sympathy  whether  they  shall 
refer  to  their  bereavement  or  not. 

GENERAL  INVITATIONS. 

No  one  should  accept  a  general  invitation  for  a 
prolonged  visit.  "  Do  come  and  spend  some  time 
with  me"  may  be  said  with  all  earnestness  and 
cordiality,  but  to  give  the  invitation  real  meaning 
the  date  should  be  definitely  fixed  and  the  length  of 
time  stated. 

A  person  who  pays  a  visit  upon  a  general  invita- 
tion need  not  be  surprised  if  he  finds  himself  as  un- 
welcome as  he  is  unexpected.  His  friends  may  be 
absent  from  home,  or  their  house  may  be  already 
full,  or  they  may  not  have  made  arrangements  for 
visitors.  From  these  and  other  causes  they  may  be 
greatly  inconvenienced  by  an  unexpected  arrival. 

It  would  be  well  if  people  would  abstain  altogether 
from  this  custom  of  giving  general  invitations,  which 
really  mean  nothing,  and  be  scrupulous  to  invite 
their  desired  guests  at  a  stated  time  and  for  a  given 
period. 


THE   ETIQUETTE    OF   VIMTb.  59 

LIMIT  OF  A  PROLONGED  VISIT. 
If  no  exact  length  of  time  is  specified,  it  is  well 
for  the  visitor  himself  to  limit  his  visit  to  three  days 
or  a  week,  according  to  the  degree  of  intimacy  he 
has  with  the  family  or  the  distance  he  has  come  to 
pay  the  visit,  announcing  this  limitation  soon  after 
his  arrival,  so  that  the  host  and  hostess  may  invite 
a  prolongation  of  the  stay  if  they  desire  it,  or  so  they 
can  make  their  arrangements  in  accordance.  One 
never  likes  to  ask  of  a  guest,  "  How  long  do  you  in- 
tend to  remain  ?"  yet  it  is  often  most  desirable  to 
know. 

TRUE  HOSPITALITY. 

Offer  your  guests  the  best  that  you  have  in  the 
way  of  food  and  rooms,  and  express  no  regrets  and 
make  no  excuses  that  you  have  nothing  better  to 
give  them. 

Try  to  make  your  guests  feel  at  home;  and  do 
this,  not  by  urging  them  in  empty  words  to  do  so, 
but  by  making  their  stay  as  pleasant  as  possible,  at 
the  same  time  being  careful  to  put  out  of  sight  any 
trifling  trouble  or  inconvenience  they  may  cause 
you. 

Devote  as  much  time  as  is  consistent  with  other 
engagements  to  the  amusement  and  entertainment 
of  your  guests. 

DUTIES  OF  THE  VISITOR. 

On  the  other  hand,  the  visitor  should  try  to  con- 
form as  much  as  possible  to  the  habits  of  the  house 


60  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

which  temporarily  shelters  him.  He  should  never 
object  to  the  hours  at  which  meals  are  served,  nor 
should  he  ever  allow  the  family  to  be  kept  waiting 
on  his  account. 

It  is  a  good  rule  for  a  visitor  to  retire  to  his  own 
apartment  in  the  morning,  or  at  least  seek  out  some 
occupation  of  his  own,  without  seeming  to  need 
the  assistance  or  attention  of  host  or  hostess ;  for 
it  is  undeniable  that  these  have  certain  duties  which 
must  be  attended  to  at  this  portion  of  the  day,  in 
order  to  leave  the  balance  of  the  time  free  for  the 
entertainment  of  their  guests. 

If  any  family  matters  of  a  private  or  unpleasant 
nature  come  to  the  knowledge  of  the  guest  during 
his  stay,  he  must  seem  both  blind  and  deaf,  and 
never  refer  to  them  unless  the  parties  interested 
speak  of  them  first.  Still  more  is  he  under  moral 
obligations  never  to  repeat  to  others  what  he  may 
have  been  forced  to  see  and  hear. 

The  rule  on  which  a  host  and  hostess  should  act 
is  to  make  their  guests  as  much  at  ease  as  possible ; 
that  on  which  a  visitor  should  act  is  to  interfere  as 
little  as  possible  with  the  ordinary  routine  of  the 
house. 

It  is  not  required  that  a  hostess  should  spend  her 
whole  time  in  the  entertainment  of  her  guests.  The 
latter  may  prefer  to  be  left  to  their  own  devices  for 
a  portion  of  the  day.  On  the  other  hand,  it  shows 
the  worst  of  breeding  for  a  visitor  to  seclude  himself 
from  the  family  and  seek  his  own  amusements  and 


THE   ETIQUETTE    OF   VISITS.  6 1 

occupations  regardless  of  their  desire  to  join  in  them 
or  entertain  him.  Such  a  guest  had  better  go  to  a 
hotel,  where  he  can  live  as  independently  as  he 
chooses. 

Give  as  little  trouble  as  possible  when  a  guest, 
but  at  the  same  time  never  think  of  apologizing  for 
any  little  additional  trouble  which  your  visit  may 
occasion.  It  would  imply  that  you  thought  your 
friends  incapable  of  entertaining  you  without  some 
inconvenience  to  themselves. 

Keep  your  room  as  neat  as  possible,  and  leave  no 
articles  of  dress  or  toilet  around  to  give  trouble  to 
servants. 

A  lady  will  not  hesitate  to  make  her  own  bed  if 
few  or  no  servants  are  kept ;  and  in  the  latter  case 
she  will  do  whatever  else  she  can  to  lighten  the  labors 
of  her  hostess  as  a  return  for  the  additional  exertion 
her  visit  occasions. 

LEAVETAKING. 

Upon  taking  leave  express  the  pleasure  you  have 
experienced  in  your  visit.  Upon  returning  home  it 
is  an  act  of  courtesy  to  write  and  inform  your  friends 
of  your  safe  arrival,  at  the  same  time  repeating  your 
thanks. 

A  host  and  hostess  should  do  all  they  can  to  make 
the  visit  of  a  friend  agreeable ;  they  should  urge 
him  to  stay  as  long  as  is  consistent  with  his  own 
plans,  and  at  the  same  time  convenient  to  them- 
selves. But  when  the  time  for  departure  has  been 


62  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

finally  fixed  upon,  no  obstacles  should  be  placed  in 
the  way  of  leavetaking.  Help  him  in  every  possi- 
ble way  to  depart,  at  the  same  time  giving  him  a 
general  invitation  to  renew  the  visit  at  some  future 
period. 

"  Welcome  the  coming,  speed  the  parting,  guest," 

expresses  the  true  spirit  of  hospitality. 

NEW  YEAR'S  CALLS. 

It  is  customary  in  fashionable  circles  for  gentle- 
men to  call  upon  their  lady  friends  on  New  Year's 
day.  These  calls  are  very  brief,  and  the  ladies 
should  be  prepared  to  receive  at  an  early  hour  in 
the  morning 

It  is  necessary  for  the  gentleman  to  present  a  card 
on  entering,  exchange  the  compliments  of  the  day, 
engage  in  a  few  moments'  conversation,  and  then 
take  his  departure,  leaving  the  hostess  at  liberty  to 
receive  the  next  callers. 

A  refreshment-table  is  generally  set  in  the  back 
part  of  the  room,  containing  cake,  lemonade  and 
coffee.  Wine  was  formerly  the  usual  beverage  at 
these  receptions,  but  the  abuses  it  sometimes  occa- 
sioned have  caused  its  banishment  from  most  parlors 
on  New  Year's  day. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

THE  first  consideration,  when  one  has  resolved 
to  give  a  dinner-party,  is  who  shall  be  invited; 
the  second,  how  many.  The  utmost  care  should  be 
taken  that  all  the  company  will  be  congenial  to  one 
another,  and  with  a  similarity  of  tastes  and  acquire- 
ments, so  that  there  shall  be  a  common  ground  upon 
which  they  may  meet. 

NUMBER  OF  GUESTS. 

The  number  of  guests  should  not  be  too  large. 
From  six  to  ten  form  the  best  number,  being  neither 
too  large  nor  too  small.  By  no  means  let  the  num- 
ber at  table  count  thirteen,  for  certain  people  have  a 
superstition  about  this  number ;  and  though  it  is  a 
very  foolish  and  absurd  one,  it  is  courteous  to  re- 
spect it. 

TIME  OF  SENDING  INVITATIONS. 

The  invitations  should  be  sent  out  some  little  time 

in  advance  of  the  proposed  dinner-party,  though  the 

exact  length  of  time  depends  much  upon  the  locality 

where  the  persons  concerned  reside.    If  in  a  country 

63 


64  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

place  where  entertainments  are  rare,  a  week  before- 
hand, or  even  less,  will  suffice.  In  a  large  town  or 
city  two  or  three  weeks  is  not  too  long,  so  that  the 
persons  who  are  invited  may  have  ample  time  to 
arrange  their  engagements  accordingly. 

MANNER  OF  WRITING  INVITATIONS. 

The  invitations  should  be  written  on  small  note- 
paper,  which  may  have  the  initial  letter  or  mono- 
gram stamped  upon  it,  but  good  taste  forbids  any- 
thing more.  The  envelope  should  match  the  sheet 
of  paper. 

The  invitation  should  be  issued  in  the  name  of 
the  host  and  hostess. 

The  form  of  invitation  should  be  as  follows : 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Mortimer  request  the  pleasure  [01 
favor]  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Arnold's  company  at  dinner 
on  Thursday,  the  1 3th  of  December,  at  5  o'clock." 

An  answer  should  be  returned  at  once,  so  that 
if  the  invitation  is  declined  the  hostess  may  mod- 
ify her  arrangements  accordingly. 

INVITATION  ACCEPTED. 

An  acceptance  may  be  given  in  the  following 
form : 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Arnold  have  much  pleasure  in 
accepting  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Mortimer's  invitation  for 
December  I3th." 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  65 

INVITATION  DECLINED. 

The  invitation  is  declined  in  the  following  manner : 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Arnold  regret  that  a  previous  en- 
gagement (or  whatever  the  cause  may  be)  will  pre- 
vent them  having  the  pleasure  of  accepting  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Mortimer's  invitation  for  December  I3th." 

Or, 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Arnold  regret  extremely  that 
owing  to  [whatever  the  preventing  cause  may  be], 
they  cannot  have  the  pleasure  of  dining  with  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Mortimer  on  Thursday,  December  1 3th." 

Whatever  the  cause  for  declining  may  be,  it  should 
be  stated  briefly  yet  plainly,  that  there  may  be  no 
occasion  for  misunderstanding  or  hard  feelings. 

INVITATION  TO  TEA-PARTY. 

The  invitation  to  a  tea-party  may  be  less  formal. 
It  may  take  the  form  of  a  friendly  note,  something 
in  this  manner : 

"  DEAR  Miss  RAYMOND, 

"  We  have  some  friends  coming  to  drink  tea  with 
us  to-morrow:  will  you  give  us  the  pleasure  of 
your  company  also?  We  hope  you  will  not  dis- 
appoint us." 

One  should  always  say  "drink  tea,"  not  "take 
tea,"  which  is  a  vulgarism. 

FAILING  TO  FILL  AN  ENGAGEMENT. 
Once  an  invitation  to  dinner  is  accepted,  nothing 

5 


66  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

but  illness  or  death  should  be  allowed  to  interfere 
with  the  engagement.  When  it  is  discovered  that 
the  engagement  must  absolutely  be  broken,  send  a 
note  at  once,  in  time  to  allow  your  place  to  be 
supplied. 

PROPER  HOUR  FOR  DINNER-PARTY. 

The  dinner-hour  varies  with  different  localities. 

In  cities,  where  gentlemen  are  detained  at  their 
places  of  business  during  the  whole  of  the  day,  din- 
ner is  ordinarily  postponed  until  five,  six,  or  even 
seven,  o'clock. 

In  small  towns  and  country  places  dinner  occurs 
at  a  much  earlier  hour.  Therefore  no  exact  direc- 
tions can  be  given  in  this  matter,  but  that  hour  must 
be  selected  which  most  nearly  corresponds  with  the 
known  habits  of  the  guests. 

The  hostess  should  perfect  all  her  arrangements 
for  her  dinner,  so  that  as  soon  as  her  guests  begin 
to  assemble  she  may  devote  her  whole  attention 
to  them  without  any  disturbing  thoughts. 

PUNCTUALITY. 

Punctuality  is  rigorously  enjoined  upon  guests  at 
a  dinner-party.  No  one  has  a  right  to  keep  an 
assembled  company  waiting,  and  perhaps  cause  the 
dinner  to  spoil,  on  his  account. 

Guests  should  not  arrive  too  early,  or  they  may 
surprise  their  hostess  before  all  her  arrangements 
are  completed. 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND   BALLS.  6,7 

Dinner  should  be  announced  soon  after  the  last 
guest  has  arrived. 

RECEPTION  OF  GUESTS. 

When  guests  are  announced,  the  lady  of  the 
house  advances  a  few  steps  to  meet  them,  gives 
them  her  hand  and  welcomes  them  cordially. 

INTRODUCTIONS  OF  GUESTS. 

If  there  are  strangers  in  the  company,  it  is  best 
to  introduce  them  to  all  present,  that  they  may 
feel  no  embarrassment. 

PROCEEDING  TO  THE  DINING-ROOM. 

The  host  and  hostess  should  arrange  beforehand 
between  themselves  the  proper  order  in  which  the 
guests  are  to  proceed  to  the  dining-room,  so  that 
there  shall  be  no  hesitation  or  misunderstanding  at 
the  time. 

It  being  indicated  to  each  gentleman  what  lady 
he  is  expected  to  escort  to  the  dining-room,  the  host 
offers  his  arm  to  the  most  distinguished  lady  present, 
or  the  one  whose  age  or  rank  entitles  her  to  prece- 
dence, and  leads  the  way.  The  guests  follow,  and 
last  of  all  comes  the  hostess  with  the  most  distin- 
guished gentleman  or  greatest  stranger  present. 

ARRANGEMENT  AT  THE  DINING-TABLE. 

The  hostess  seats  herself  at  the  head  of  the  table, 
her  escort  upon  her  right  and  another  gentleman 


68  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

upon  her  left.  The  host  sits  opposite  her,  with  the 
lady  whom  he  has  escorted  at  his  right  and  another 
lady  upon  his  left.  The  rest  of  the  company  are 
disposed  a  lady  and  gentleman  alternately. 

The  guests  should  not  seat  themselves  until  the 
host  or  hostess  has  indicated  to  them  their  proper 
seats,  and  gentlemen  should  stand  until  all  ladies 
are  seated. 

DINNER  A  LA  RUSSE. 

The  latest  and  most  satisfactory  plan  for  serving 
dinners  is  the  dinner  a  la  Russe,  in  which  all  the  food 
is  placed  upon  a  side  table  and  servants  do  the 
carving.  This  style  gives  an  opportunity  for  more 
profuse  ornamentation  of  the  table,  which  as  the 
meal  progresses  does  not  become  encumbered  with 
partially  empty  dishes  and  platters  holding  half- 
denuded  bones. 

GLOVES  AND  NAPKIN. 

The  gloves  must  be  removed  from  the  hands  and 
the  napkin  partially  unfolded  and  laid  across  the  lap. 

SOUP. 

Soup  is  the  first  course.  All  should  accept  it  even 
if  they  let  it  remain  untouched,  because  it  is  better 
to  make  a  pretence  of  eating  until  the  next  course  is 
served  than  to  sit  waiting  or  compel  the  servants  to 
serve  one  before  the  rest. 

Soup  should  be  eaten  with  the  side  of  the  spoon, 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND   BALLS.  69 

not  from  the  point,  and  there  should  be  no  noise  of 
sipping  while  eating  it.  It  should  not  be  called  for 
a  second  time. 

FISH. 

Fish  follows  soup,  and  must  be  eaten  with  a  fork 
unless  fish-knives  are  provided.  Put  the  sauce,  when 
it  is  handed  you,  on  the  side  of  your  plate. 

Fish  may  be  declined,  but  must  not  be  called  for  a 
second  time. 

GENERAL  RULES  REGARDING  DINNER. 

After  soup  and  fish  come  the  side-dishes,  which 
must  be  eaten  with  a  fork  only,  though  the  knife 
may  be  used  in  cutting  anything  too  hard  for  a 
fork. 

If  you  do  not  desire  a  dish  offered  to  you,  simply 
refuse  it ;  do  not  add  that  you  do  not  care  for  it  or 
it  does  not  agree  with  you.  The  host  and  hostess, 
on  the  other  hand,  should  not  press  a  guest  to  take 
some  proffered  dish  which  he  has  refused.  Neither 
should  they  make  any  remarks  either  in  praise  of  or 
apology  for  the  viands  they  have  prepared. 

Never  apologize  to  a  waiter  for  requiring  him  to 
wait  upon  you  ;  that  is  his  business.  Neither  re- 
prove him  for  negligence  or  improper  conduct; 
that  is  the  business  of  the  host. 

When  a  dish  is  offered  you,  accept  or  refuse,  and 
leave  the  waiter  to  pass  it  on.  A  gentleman  will  see 
that  the  lady  whom  he  has  escorted  to  the  table  is 


?O  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

helped  to  all  she  wishes,  but  it  is  officiousness  to  offer 
to  help  any  other  lady. 

If  it  is  an  informal  dinner,  and  the  guests  pass  the 
dishes  to  one  another  instead  of  waiting  to  be  helped 
by  a  servant,  you  should  always  help  yourself  from 
the  dish,  if  you  desire  to  do  so  at  all,  before  passing 
it  on  to  the  next. 

A  guest  should  never  find  fault  with  the  dinner  or 
with  any  part  of  it. 

When  you  are  helped,  begin  to  eat  without  wait- 
ing for  others  to  be  served. 

A  knife  should  never,  on  any  account,  be"  put  into 
the  mouth.  Many  even  well-bred  people  in  othei 
particulars  think  this  an  unnecessary  regulation ; 
but  when  we  consider  that  it  is  a  rule  of  etiquette, 
and  that  its  violation  causes  surprise  and  disgust  to 
many  people,  it  is  wisest  to  observe  it. 

As  an  illustration  of  this  point,  I  will  quote  from 
a  letter  from  the  late  Wm.  M.  Thackeray,  addressed 
to  a  gentleman  in  Philadelphia :  "  The  European  con- 
tinent swarms  with  your  people.  They  are  not  all 
as  polished  as  Chesterfield.  I  wish  some  of  them 
spoke  French  a  little  better.  I  saw  five  of  them  at 
supper  at  Basle  the  other  night  with  their  knives  down 
their  throats.  It  was  awful !  My  daughter  saw  it,  and 
I  was  obliged  to  say,  '  My  dear,  your  great-great- 
grandmother,  one  of  the  finest  ladies  of  the  old 
school  I  ever  saw,  always  applied  cold  steel  to  her 
wittles.  It's  no  crime  to  eat  with  a  knife/ which  is  all 
very  well;  but  I  wish  five  of  'em  at  a  time  wouldn't." 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND   BALLS.  7 1 

Never  take  up  a  piece  of  asparagus  or  the  bones 
of  fowl  or  bird  with  your  fingers  to  suck  them,  pos- 
sibly making  the  remark  that  "  fingers  were  made 
before  forks."  These  things  should  always  be  cut 
with  a  knife  and  eaten  with  a  fork.  If  fingers  were 
made  before  forks,  so  were  wooden  trenchers  before 
the  modern  dinner  service.  Yet  it  would  rather 
startle  these  advocates  of  priority  to  be  invited  to 
a  dinner-party  where  the  dining-table  was  set  with  a 
wooden  trencher  in  the  centre,  into  which  all  the 
guests  were  expected  to  dip  with  their  fingers. 

Bread  should  be  broken,  not  bitten.  This  is,  of 
course,  taken  with  the  fingers. 

Be  careful  to  remove  the  bones  from  fish  before 
eating  it.  If  a  bone  gets  inadvertently  into  the 
mouth,  the  lips  must  be  covered  with  the  napkin  in 
removing  it. 

Cherry-stones  should  be  removed  from  the  mouth 
as  unobtrusively  as  possible  and  deposited  on  the 
side  of  the  plate.  A  good  way  is  to  watch  how  oth- 
ers are  doing  and  follow  their  example.  A  better 
way  still  is  for  the  hostess  to  have  her  cherries  stoned 
before  they  are  made  into  pies  and  puddings,  and 
thus  save  her  guests  this  dilemma. 

WATCHING  HOW  OTHERS  DO. 

Speaking  of  watching  how  others  are  doing,  and 
following  their  example,  reminds  us  of  an  anecdote 
told  us  not  long  since  by  the  lady  who  played  the 
principal  part  in  it. 


?2  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

She  was  visiting  at  the  house  of  a  friend,  and  one 
day  there  was  upon  the  dinner-table  some  sweet  corn 
cooked  on  the  ear.  Not  knowing  exactly  how  to 
manage  it  so  as  not  to  give  offence,  she  concluded  to 
observe  how  the  others  did.  Presently  two  of  the 
members  of  the  family  took  up  their  ears  of  corn  in 
their  fingers  and  ate  the  grain  directly  from  the  cob. 
So  Miss  Mary  thought  she  might  venture  to  eat  hers 
in  the  same  manner.  Scarcely  had  she  begun,  how- 
ever, when  her  hostess  turned  to  her  little  boy  and 
said,  "  I  am  going  to  let  you  eat  your  corn  just  like 
a  little  pig  to-day." 

"  How  is  that,  mamma  ?"  questioned  the  boy. 

"  Look  at  Miss  Mary,"  was  the  reply.  "  I  am 
going  to  let  you  eat  it  just  as  Miss  Mary  is  eating 
hers." 

The  mixed  state  of  Miss  Mary's  feelings  can  be 
better  imagined  than  described. 

Never  use  a  napkin  in  the  place  of  a  handkerchief 
by  wiping  the  forehead  or  blowing  the  nose  with  it. 

Do  not  scrape  your  plate  or  tilt  it  to  get  the  last 
drop  of  anything  it  may  contain,  or  wipe  it  out  with 
a  piece  of  bread. 

Pastry  should  be  eaten  with  a  fork.  Everything 
that  can  be  cut  without  a  knife  should  be  cut  with  a 
fork  alone. 

Eat  slowly. 

Pudding  may  be  eaten  with  a  fork  or  spoon.  Ice 
requires  a  spoon. 

Cheese  must  be  eaten  with  a  fork. 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND   BALLS.  73 

Talk  in  a  low  tone  to  your  next  neighbor,  but  not 
in  so  low  a  tone  but  that  your  remarks  may  become 
general.  Never  speak  with  the  mouth  full. 

Never  lay  your  hand  or  play  with  your  fingers 
upon  the  table.  Neither  toy  with  your  knife,  fork  or 
spoon,  make  pills  of  your  bread  nor  draw  imaginary 
lines  upon  the  table-cloth. 

Never  bite  fruit.  An  apple,  pear  or  peach  should 
be  peeled  with  a  silver  knife,  and  all  fruit  should  be 
broken  or  cut. 

RETIRING  FROM  THE  TABLE. 

We  are  glad  to  say  that  the  English  habit  of  gen- 
tlemen remaining  at  the  table,  after  the  ladies  have 
retired,  to  indulge  in  wine,  coarse  conversation  and 
obscene  jokes,  has  never  been  received  into  popular 
favor  in  this  country.  The  very  words  "  after-dinner 
jokes  "  suggest  something  indecent.  We  take  our 
manners  from  Paris  instead  of  London,  and  ladies 
and  gentlemen  retire  together  from  the  dining-table, 
instead  of  the  one  sex  remaining  to  pander  to  their 
baser  appetites,  and  the  other  departing  with  all  their 
delicate  sentiments  in  a  state  of  outrage  if  they  pause 
to  think  of  the  cause  of  their  dismissal. 

After  retiring  to  the  drawing-room  the  guests 
should  intermingle  in  a  social  manner,  and  the  time 
until  the  hour  of  taking  leave  may  be  spent  either  in 
conversation  or  in  various  entertaining  games.  It  is 
expected  the  guests  will  remain  two  or  three  hours 
after  the  dinner. 


74  OUR   BEHAVIOR. 

During  the  week  following  a  dinner-party  each 
guest  must  call  upon  the  hostess. 

GIVING  A  BALL. 

If  you  cannot  afford  to  give  a  ball  in  good  style, 
you  had  better  not  attempt  it  at  all. 

Having  made  up  your  mind  to  give  a  ball  and  to 
do  justice  to  the  occasion,  and  having  settled  upon 
the  time,  the  next  thing  is  to  decide  whom  and  how 
many  to  invite.  In  deciding  upon  the  number  a  due 
regard  must  be  paid  to  the  size  of  the  rooms ;  and 
after  making  allowance  for  a  reasonable  number  who 
may  not  accept  the  invitation,  there  should  be  no 
more  invited  than  can  find  comfortable  accommoda- 
tions, both  sitting-  and  standing-room  being  taken 
into  account,  and  at  the  same  time  have  the  floor 
properly  free  for  dancing.  The  more  guests  you 
have  the  more  brilliant,  and  the  fewer  you  have  the 
more  enjoyable,  will  the  occasion  be. 

One-third  more  may  be  invited  than  the  rooms  will 
comfortably  hold,  and  the  invitations  should  be  sent 
out  three  weeks  in  advance. 

Any  number  over  a  hundred  guests  constitutes  a 
"  large  ball ;"  under  fifty  it  is  merely  a  "  dance." 

CHOICE  OF  GUESTS. 

As  dancing  is  the  amusement  of  the  evening,  due 
regard  should  be  paid  to  the  dancing  qualifications 
of  the  proposed  guests.  Although  it  is  not  necessary 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  ?$ 

that  all  who  are  invited  should  dance,  yet  it  will  not 
do  to  have  too  many  to  act  the  part  of  wall-flowers. 
One  should  be  scrupulous  and  not  wound  the  prej- 
udices of  a  friend  by  sending  her  an  invitation  to  a 
ball  when  it  is  well  known  she  is  conscientiously 
opposed  to  dancing. 

REQUISITES  FOR  SUCCESS  IN  BALL-GIVING. 

The  requisites  for  perfect  success  in  giving  a  ball 
are  good  ventilation,  a  good  dancing-floor,  good 
music,  a  good  supper  and  good  dancers. 

FLOWERS  IN  A  BALL-ROOM. 

In  this  country  it  is  customary  to  decorate  the 
house  most  elaborately  with  flowers.  Although  this 
is  exceedingly  expensive,  it  adds  much  to  the  success 
of  the  entertainment,  rendering  the  rooms  beautiful 
beyond  description. 

INVITATIONS. 

Invitations  to  a  ball  should  be  given  in  the  lady's 
name.  An  invitation  needs  no  reply  unless  it  is 
refused. 

NECESSARY  PREPARATIONS  FOR  A  BALL. 

There  should  be  dressing-rooms  for  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  each'  supplied  with  a  servant  or  servants. 
There  should  be  cards  with  the  names  of  the  in- 
vited guests  upon  them,  or  checks  with  duplicates 


7 6  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

to  be  given  to  the  guests,  ready  to   pin  upon  the 
wraps  of  each  one. 

Each  dressing-room  should  be  supplied  with  a 
complete  set  of  toilet  articles. 

TIME  FOR  ARRIVAL  AT  A  BALL. 

Guests  may  arrive  at  a  ball  at  any  time  between 
the  hours  of  nine  and  twelve.  They  should  avoid 
going  too  early. 

RECEIVING  GUESTS  AT  A  BALL. 

The  lady  of  the  house  should  stand  near  the 
door  of  the  drawing-room  and  receive  her  guests 
as  they  enter.  The  latter  should  go  directly  to  her 
and  pay  her  their  respects  before  they  recognize 
any  one  else. 

A  young  lady  should  not  enter  the  room  alone. 
She  should  be  attended  by  a  married  lady,  a  brother 
or  other  gentleman. 

DUTIES  OF  AN  ESCORT. 

The  lady's  escort  should  call  for  her  and  accom- 
pany her  to  the  place  of  entertainment ;  go  with  her 
as  far  as  the  dressing-room  door,  and  after  visiting 
the  gentlemen's  dressing-room  return  to  meet  her 
there  when  she  is  prepared  to  go  to  the  ball-room; 
enter  the  latter  room  with  her  and  lead  her  to  the 
hostess;  dance  the  first  dance  with  her;  conduct 
her  to  the  supper-room,  and  be  ready  to  accom- 
pany her  home  whenever  she  gives  the  signal.  He 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  77 

should  watch  during  the  evening  to  see  that  she  is 
supplied  with  dancing  partners. 

BALL  TABLETS. 

Each  guest  should  be  supplied  with  a  tablet  con- 
taining a  printed  programme  of  the  dances,  with 
space  for  written  engagements  upon  it,  and  a  pencil 
attached. 

THE  BALL  SUPPER. 

The  supper-room  is  thrown  open  at  midnight, 
and  remains  open  until  the  ball  closes.  It  is  the 
duty  of  the  hostess  to  see  that  everybody  is  prop- 
erly attended  to  the  supper-room. 

If  any  young  lady  is  without  proper  escort,  and 
so  in  danger  of  losing  her  supper,  the  hostess  should 
request  some  gentleman  present  to  go  to  the  rescue 
and  conduct  her  to  the  supper-room. 

Gentlemen  will  evince  their  good  breeding  by 
conducting  ladies  and  attending  to  their  wants,  in- 
stead of  rushing  in  alone  and  making  groups  by 
themselves. 

REFRESHMENTS. 

No  refreshments  should  be  handed  around  a  ball- 
room. If  it  is  desirable  to  have  refreshments  served 
before  supper,  let  there  be  a  separate  refreshment- 
room,  where  tea,  lemonade,  cakes  and  such  lighter 
refreshments  may  be  obtained  at  any  time. 

In  the  supper-room  more  substantial  viands  should 
be  found,  but  everything  must  be  carved  beforehand 


7 8  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

ENGAGING  PARTNERS. 

Gentlemen  should  engage  their  partners  for  the 
approaching  dance  before  the  music  strikes  up. 

REFUSING  TO  DANCE. 

In  a  private  ball  a  lady  cannot  well  refuse  to 
dance  with  any  gentleman  who  invites  her  unless 
she  has  a  previous  engagement. 

If  a  lady  declines  to  dance  from  weariness,  the 
gentleman  will  show  her  a  compliment  by  abstaining 
from  dancing  himself  and  remaining  beside  her  while 
the  dance  progresses. 

WALL-FLOWERS. 

A  gentleman  of  genuine  politeness  will  not  give 
all  his  time  and  attention  to  the  belles  of  the  evening, 
but  will  at  least  devote  a  little  thought  to  the  wall- 
flowers who  sit  forlorn  and  unattended,  and  who,  but 
for  him,  might  have  no  opportunity  to  dance.  These 
wall-flowers  should  be  the  especial  care  of  the  host- 
ess also,  and  she  should  draft  the  young  men  to  do 
duty  in  their  behalf,  and  they  cannot  in  politeness 
refuse  her. 

INTRODUCTIONS  AT  BALLS. 

The  right  of  introducing  rests  mainly  with  the 
ladies  and  gentlemen  of  the  house,  though  a  chape- 
ron may  introduce  a  gentleman  to  her  charge,  or  a 
gentleman  may,  with  her  permission,  provide  the  lady 
whom  he  has  escorted  with  partners. 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  ?g 

A  ball-room  acquaintance  does  not  extend  beyond 
the  evening  in  which  it  is  formed. 

A  gentleman  should  not  ask  a  lady  to  dance  too 
frequently  with  him,  as  he  may  be  excluding  others 
from  the  same  pleasure. 

CONCLUSION  OF  THE  DANCE. 

At  the  end  of  the  dance  the  gentleman  offers  his 
right  arm  to  his  partner  and  walks  through  the 
room.  He  will  ask  her  if  she  desires  refreshments ; 
and  if  she  assents,  he  will  take  her  to  the  refreshment- 
room  and  see  her  properly  served.  The  lady  must 
not  in  this  case  linger  many  minutes  in  the  refresh- 
ment-room, as  she  may  be  preventing  her  partner 
from  fulfilling  an  engagement  with  some  one  else. 

If  the  lady  declines  refreshments,  the  gentleman 
must  conduct  her  to  a  seat  and  thank  her  for  the 
pleasure  the  dance  has  afforded  him. 

GENERAL  RULES  FOR  A  BALL-ROOM. 

A  lady  will  not  cross  a  ball-room  unattended. 

A  gentleman  will  not  take  a  vacant  seat  next  a 
lady  who  is  a  stranger  to  him.  If  she  is  an  acquaint- 
ance, he  may  do  so  with  her  permission. 

White  kid  gloves  should  be  worn  at  a  ball,  and 
only  be  taken  off  at  supper-time. 

In  dancing  quadrilles  do  not  make  any  attempt  to 
take  steps.  A  quiet  walk  is  all  that  is  required. 

Do  not  attempt  a  dance  with  which  you  are  not 


8O  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

familiar,  as  you  by  your  ignorance  and  awkwardness 
may  disarrange  the  whole  set. 

Husbands  and  wives  should  not  dance  together  at 
a  ball  unless  the  entire  quadrille  is  composed  of 
married  partners. 

RETIRING  FROM  THE  BALL. 

It  is  better  to  retire  early  rather  than  late  from  a 
bait.  Make  your  adieux  quietly  to  the  hostess ;  or 
if  she  is  not  conveniently  found,  depart  without  bid- 
ding her  good-evening  rather  than  attract  attention 
to  your  departure. 

When  a  gentleman  escorts  a  lady  home  from  a 
ball,  she  should  not  invite  him  to  enter  the  house; 
and  even  if  she  does  so,  he  should  by  all  means  de- 
cline the  invitation.  He  should  call  upon  her  during 
the  next  day  or  evening. 

The  rules  laid  down  here  all  apply  to  the  private 
ball,  though  the  same  will  hold  good  at  a  public  one, 
with  this  proviso — that  you  go  with  a  group  of  your 
own  acquaintances  and  dance  and  converse  only  with 
them  during  the  evening. 


CHAPTER    VII. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  STREET. 

THERE  is  no  place  where  a  man  and  woman 
will  so  truly  display  their  breeding  as  in  the 
streets,  in  public  conveyances  and  in  traveling  gen- 
erally. That  is  a  gentleman  indeed  who  is  always, 
in  all  times  and  places  and  under  all  circumstances, 
kindly  and  courteous  to  all  he  meets,  regardful  not 
only  of  the  rights  but  of  the  wishes  and  feelings  of 
others,  deferential  to  women  and  to  elderly  men,  and 
helpful  to  those  who  need  his  help. 

That  is  the  true  lady  who  walks  the  streets 
wrapped  in  a  mantle  of  proper  reserve  so  impenetra- 
ble that  insult  and  coarse  familiarity  shrink  away 
from  her,  yet  who  carries  with  her  a  congenial  at- 
mosphere which  attracts  all  and  puts  all  at  their 
ease. 

THE  PROTECTION  OF  SEX. 

In  continental  Europe  a  lady  may  not  venture 
into  the  streets  unattended.  Here  it  is  different; 
and  though  some  would  declare  it  otherwise,  it  is 
certainly  true  that  a  well-behaved  lady  may  walk 
alone  free  from  molestation  anywhere  and  every- 

6  81 


82  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

where  and  at  almost  any  time.  Even  in  the  worst 
localities,  if  women  only  knew  it,  they  are  less 
liable  to  molestation  than  men. 

A  friend  of  ours  who  had  traveled  much  told  us 
that,  having  a  great  desire  to  see  some  of  the  worst 
places  of  London  at  midnight,  he  and  a  friend  took 
with  them  two  ladies  for  protection,  and  passed 
safely  through  crowds  of  roughs  who,  had  they  been 
alone,  would  not  have  permitted  them  to  escape  with 
whole  coats  and  pocketbooks  intact.  As  it  was,  the 
worst  street-assemblage  divided  respectfully  at  sight 
of  the  ladies  to  let  them  pass. 

A  modest,  dignified  womanhood  is,  in  truth,  its 
own  best  protection  in  this  country,  where  all  men  are 
trained  to  gentlemanliness,  although  conventionality 
requires  on  many  occasions  the  attendance  of  a  male 
escort.  This  is  a  fragment  of  foreign  customs, 
though  the  rule  has  relaxed  greatly.  In  the  streets 
of  Paris  no  woman  alone  and  unprotected  is  safe 
from  insult. 

TIMES  WHEN  ESCORT  is  REQUIRED. 

Though  a  woman  may  walk  abroad  safely  by  day- 
light, and  even  travel  alone  with  perfect  impunity 
from  New  York  to  San  Francisco,  etiquette  requires 
that  she  shall  not  go  out  in  the  evening  unattended. 
If  she  is  visiting  at  a  friend's  house  and  has  no 
proper  escort  to  see  her  safely  home,  her  friend 
should  send  a  servant  with  her  or  request  some 


ETIQUETTE    OF  THE   STREET.  83 

proper  person — a  gentleman  acquaintance  present  or 
her  own  husband — to  perform  the  duty.  If  the  hus- 
band volunteers  the  office,  the  lady  should  apologize 
for  putting  him  to  the  trouble,  at  the  same  time  ac- 
cepting his  services.  It  is  better,  however,  to  avoid 
putting  others  to  unnecessary  trouble,  and  at  the 
same  time  prevent  any  gossip  or  petty  scandal  which 
arises  in  small  towns,  for  the  lady  to  secure  a  servant 
or  friend  to  call  for  her  at  the  proper  time. 

A  married  lady  is  not  bound  strictly  by  these 
rules,  but  may  use  her  own  discretion. 

RECOGNIZING  ACQUAINTANCES  UPON  THE  STREET. 

Strict  etiquette  requires  that  a  lady  meeting  upon 
the  street  a  gentleman  with  whom  she  has  acquaint- 
ance shall  give  the  first  bow  of  recognition.  In  this 
countiy,  however,  good  sense  does  not  insist  upon 
an  imperative  following  of  this  rule.  A  well-bred 
man  bows  and  raises  his  hat  to  every  lady  of  his 
acquaintance  whom  he  meets,  without  waiting  for 
her  to  take  the  initiative.  If  she  is  well-bred,  she 
will  certainly  respond  to  his  salutation.  As  polite- 
ness requires  that  each  salute  the  other,  their  saluta- 
tions will  thus  be  simultaneous. 

One  should  always  recognize  acquaintances  upon 
the  street,  either  by  bowing  or  words  of  greeting,  a 
gentleman  lifting  his  hat.  It  is  not  obligatory  to 
shake  hands.  Shaking  hands  is  not  forbidden,  but; 
in  most  cases  it  is  to  be  avoided  in  public. 

If  two  friends  stop  to  talk,  they  should  remove  to 


#4  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

one  side  of  the  walk,  so  as  not  to  obstruct  the  path- 
way. 

If  a  gentleman  meets  a  friend,  and  the  latter  has  a 
stranger  with  him,  all  three  should  bow.  If  the  gen- 
tleman stops  his  friend  to  speak  to  him,  he  should 
apologize  to  the  stranger  for  detaining  him.  If  the 
stranger  is  a  lady,  the  same  deference  should  be 
shown  as  if  she  were  an  acquaintance. 

Never  hesitate  in  acts  of  politeness  for  fear  they 
will  not  be  recognized  and  returned.  One  cannot 
be  too  polite  so  long  as  he  conforms  to  rules, 
while  it  is  easy  to  lack  politeness  by  neglect  of 
them.  Besides,  if  courtesy  is  met  by  neglect  or 
rebuff,  it  is  not  for  the  courteous  person  to  feel 
mortification,  but  the  boorish  one.  And  so  all 
lookers-on  will  regard  the  matter. 

In  meeting  a  lady  it  is  optional  with  her  whether 
she  shall  pause  to  speak.  If  the  gentleman  has 
anything  to  say  to  her,  he  should  not  stop  her,  but 
turn  around  and  walk  in  her  company  until  he  has 
said  what  he  has  to  say,  when  he  may  leave  hei 
with  a  bow  and  lift  of  the  hat. 

LADY  AND  GENTLEMAN  WALKING  TOGETHER. 

A  gentleman  walking  with  a  lady  may  take  either 
side  of  the  pavement.  It  is  not  necessary  to  change 
sides  as  often  as  the  street  is  crossed,  that  the  lady 
may  always  have  the  inner  side,  as  this  is  often 
awkward  and  inconvenient.  If,  however,  the  thor- 


ETIQUETTE    OF   THE   STREET.  8$ 

oughfare  is  a  crowded  or  dangerous  one,  the  gen- 
tleman must  keep  the  lady  on  that  side  of  him 
where  she  will  be  the  least  exposed  to  crowding  or 
danger. 

A  gentleman  should,  in  the  evening  or  whenever 
or  wherever  her  safety,  comfort  or  convenience  seems 
to  dictate  it,  offer  the  lady  his  arm.  At  other  times 
it  is  not  customary  to  do  so  unless  the  parties  be 
husband  and  wife  or  engaged.  Even  in  the  latter 
case,  if  the  arm  is  offered  and  accepted,  the  couple 
may  be  assured  that  they  lay  themselves  open  to 
remarks  from  trifling  and  gossiping  persons. 

KEEPING  STEP. 

In  walking  together,  especially  when  arm  in  arm, 
it  is  desirable  that  the  two  keep  step.  To  do  this 
a  compromise  may  be  necessary  between  the  long, 
measured  strides  of  the  gentleman  and  the  short, 
quick  steps  of  the  lady.  Ladies  should  be  strongly 
impressed  with  the  advisability  of  suiting  their  pace, 
as  far  as  practicable,  with  that  of  their  escort.  It  is 
easily  done. 

OPENING  THE  DOOR  FOR  A  LADY. 

A  gentleman  should  always  hold  open  the  door 
for  a  lady  to  enter  first.  This  is  obligatory,  not  only 
in  the  case  of  the  lady  who  is  with  him,  but  also  in 
that  of  any  strange  lady  who  chances  to  be  about  to 
enter  at  the  same  time. 


86  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

UP  AND  DOWN  STAIRS. 

A  gentleman  will  always  precede  a  lady  up  a  flight 
of  stairs,  and  allow  her  to  precede  him  in  going  down. 

ANSWERING  QUESTIONS. 

A  gentleman  will  reply  courteously  to  any  ques- 
tions which  a  lady  may  address  to  him  upon  the 
street,  at  the  same  time  lifting  his  hat,  or  at  least 
touching  it  respectfully. 

SMOKING  UPON  THE  STREETS. 

In  England  a  well-bred  man  never  smokes  upon 
the  streets.  Are  we  obliged  to  say  that  the  rule 
does  not  hold  good  in  this  country,  or  shall  we 
repeat  it  with  an  emphasis  upon  the  well-bred?  At 
all  events,  no  gentleman  will  ever  insult  a  lady  by 
smoking  in  the  streets  in  her  company,  and  in  meet- 
ing and  saluting  a  lady  he  will  always  remove  his 
cigar  from  his  mouth. 

OFFENSIVE  BEHAVIOR. 

No  gentleman  is  ever  guilty  of  the  offence  of 
standing  on  street  corners  and  the  steps  of  hotels 
or  other  public  places  and  boldly  scrutinizing  every 
lady  who  passes. 

CARRYING  PACKAGES. 

A  gentleman  will  never  permit  a  lady  with  whom 
he  is  walking  to  carry  a  package  of  any  kind,  but 


ETIQUETTE    OF   THE  STREET.  8? 

will  insist  upon  relieving  her  of  it.  He  may  even 
accost  a  lady  whom  he  sees  overburdened  and  offer 
his  assistance  if  their  ways  lie  in  the  same  direction. 

CARRIAGE  OF  A  LADY  IN  PUBLIC. 

A  lady  walks  quietly  through  the  streets,  seeing 
and  hearing  nothing  that  she  ought  not  to  see  and 
hear,  recognizing  acquaintances  with  a  courteous 
bow  and  friends  with  words  of  greeting.  She  is 
always  unobtrusive.  She  never  talks  loudly  or 
laughs  boisterously,  or  does  anything  to  attract  the 
attention  of  the  passers  by.  She  simply  goes  about 
her  business  in  her  own  quiet,  ladylike  way,  and  by 
her  preoccupation  is  secure  from  all  the  annoyance 
to  which  a  person  of  Jess  perfect  breeding  might  be 
subjected. 

FORMING  ACQUAINTANCES  IN  PUBLIC. 

A  lady,  be  she  young  or  old,  never  forms  an 
acquaintance  upon  the  streets  or  seeks  to  attract  the 
attention  or  admiration  of  persons  of  the  other  sex. 
To  do  so  would  render  false  her  claims  to  ladyhood, 
if  it  did  not  make  her  liable  to  far  graver  charges. 

DEMANDING  ATTENTIONS. 

A  lady  never  demands  attentions  and  favors  from 
a  gentleman,  but  always  accepts  them  gratefully  and 
graciously  and  with  expressed  thanks. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

ETIQUETTE    OF  TRAVELING,  DRIVING  AND 
RIDING. 

A  LADY  used  to  traveling,  if  she  pays  a  proper 
observance   to   the   rules    of    behavior,    may 
travel   alone   anywhere   in  the  United  States  with 
perfect  safety  and  propriety. 

But  there  are  many  ladies  to  whom  all  the  ways 
of  travel  are  strange  and  unknown,  and  to  such  an 
escort  is  very  acceptable. 

DUTIES  OF  AN  ESCORT  IN  TRAVELING. 

When  a  gentleman  has  a  lady  put  in  his  charge 
for  a  journey,  he  should  appear  at  the  station  some 
minutes  before  the  approach  of  the  train  in  order  to 
give  himself  time  to  procure  her  ticket  and  see  her 
baggage  properly  checked. 

The  lady  may  either  hand  her  purse  to  her  attend- 
ant, out  of  which  all  needful  expenses  will  be  paid, 
she  may  give  him  a  sum  of  money  ample  for  these 
expenses,  she  may,  before  purchasing  tickets,  furnish 
him  with  the  exact  amount  required,  or  she  may 
allow  him  to  defray  the  expenses  of  the  journey  out 
of  his  own  purse  and  have  a  settlement  with  him 
afterward. 


TRAVELING,   DRIVING  AND   RIDING.  89 

When  the  train  arrives,  he  should  attend  her  to 
the  car  and  secure  the  best  possible  seat  for  her.  He 
should  give  her  the  choice  of  taking  the  outside  or 
window  seat,  should  stow  away  her  packages  in  the 
proper  receptacle,  and  then  do  all  he  can  to  make 
her  journey  a  pleasant  one. 

Arrived  at  their  destination,  he  should  see  her 
safely  in  car  or  carriage,  or  at  least  conduct  her  to 
the  ladies'  room  of  the  station,  before  he  goes  to  see 
about  the  baggage.  He  should  attend  her  to  the 
door  or  deliver  her  into  the  charge  of  friends  before 
he  relaxes  his  care.  He  should  call  upon  her  the 
following  day  to  see  how  she  has  withstood  the  fa- 
tigues of  her  journey.  It  is  optional  with  her  at 
this  time  whether  she  will  receive  him,  and  thus  pro- 
long the  acquaintance,  or  not.  However,  it  is 
scarcely  supposed  that  a  lady  of  really  good  breed- 
ing would  refuse  further  recognition  to  one  from 
whom  she  had  accepted  such  services.  If  the  gen- 
tleman is  really  unworthy  of  her  regard,  it  would 
have  been  in  better  taste  to  have  recognized  the 
fact  at  first  by  declining  his  escort. 

A  LADY'S  DUTY  TO  THE  ESCORT. 

A  lady  may  thoughtlessly  or  willfully  make  this 
escort  duty  very  serious  and  onerous.  She  may  be 
excedingly  troublesome,  nervous  and  fidgety.  She 
may  provide  herself  with  numerous  packages  and 
give  her  attendant  infinite  trouble  in  looking  after 
them.  She  may  weary  him  with  needless  questions 


90  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

and  disgust  him  with  senseless  fears.  His  veiy 
gentlemanliness  and  complacency  may  but  encour- 
age her  selfishness  and  cause  her  to  demand  of  him 
services  which  a  true  lady  would  always  accept 
deprecatingly  and  with  thanks. 

But  no  well-bred  lady  will  do  all  this.  Such  a 
one  will  reduce  her  hand-baggage  to  the  minimum, 
to  begin  with.  When  this  baggage  is  once  disposed 
of,  she  will  allow  it  to  remain  undisturbed,  except 
for  important  reasons,  until  she  prepares  to  leave  the 
car.  She  will,  as  she  nears  her  journey's  end,  delib- 
erately gather  her  effects  and  prepare  for  departure, 
so  that  at  the  last  moment  there  may  be  no  scram- 
blings,  delays  or  overlooked  packages. 

A  LADY  TRAVELING  ALONE. 

A  lady,  in  traveling  alone,  may  accept  services 
from  her  fellow-travelers,  which  she  should  always 
acknowledge  graciously.  Indeed,  it  is  the  business 
of  a  gentleman  to  see  that  the  wants  of  an  unescorted 
lady  are  attended  to.  He  should  offer  to  raise  or 
lower  her  window  if  she  seems  to  have  any  difficulty 
in  doing  it  for  herself.  He  may  offer  his  assistance 
in  carrying  her  packages  upon  leaving  the  car,  or  in 
engaging  a  carriage  or  obtaining  a  trunk. 

Still,  women  should  learn  to  be  as  self-reliant  as 
possible  ;  and  young  women  particularly  should  ac- 
cept proffered  assistance  from  strangers,  in  all  but 
the  slightest  offices,  very  rarely, 


TRAVELING,   DRIVING  AND   RIDING.  9! 

OCCUPYING  TOO  MANY  SEATS. 

No  lady  of  genuine  breeding  will  retain  posses- 
sion of  more  than  her  rightful  seat  in  a  crowded 
car.  When  others  are  looking  for  accommodations, 
she  should  at  once  and  with  all  cheerfulness  so  dis- 
pose of  her  baggage  that  the  seat  beside  her  will 
be  at  liberty  for  any  one  who  desires  it,  no  mat- 
ter how  agreeable  it  might  be  to  retain  possession 
of  it. 

There  is  no  truer  sign  of  want  of  proper  man- 
ners than  to  see  two  ladies  turn  over  the  seat  in 
front  of  them  and  fill  it  with  their  wraps  and  bun- 
dles, retaining  it  in  spite  of  the  entreating  or  re- 
monstrating looks  of  fellow-passengers.  In  such  a 
case  as  this  any  person  who  needs  a  seat  is  jus- 
tified in  reversing  the  back,  removing  the  baggage 
and  taking  possession  of  the  unused  place. 

RETAINING  POSSESSION  OF  A  SEAT. 

A  gentleman  in  traveling  may  take  possession  of 
a  seat  and  then  go  to  purchase  tickets  or  look  after 
baggage,  leaving  the  seat  in  charge  of  a  companion 
or  depositing  traveling-bag  or  overcoat  upon  it  to 
show  that  it  is  engaged.  A  gentleman  cannot, 
however,  in  justice,  vacate  his  seat  to  take  another 
in  the  smoking-car  and  at  the  same  time  reserve 
his  rights  to  the  first  seat.  He  pays  for  but  one 
seat,  and  by  taking  another  he  forfeits  the  first. 

It  is  not  required   of  a   gentleman  in  a  railway 


92  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

car  to  relinquish  his  seat  in  favor  of  a  lady,  though 
a  gentleman  of  genuine  breeding  will  do  so  rather 
than  allow  the  lady  to  stand  or  to  suffer  inconve- 
nience from  poor  accommodations. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  STREET  CARS. 

In  the  street  cars  the  case  is  different.  No 
woman  should  be  permitted  to  stand  while  there  is 
a  seat  occupied  by  a  man.  The  inconvenience  to 
the  man  will  be  temporary  and  trifling  at  the  most, 
and  he  can  well  afford  to  suffer  it  rather  than  do 
an  uncourteous  act 

ETIQUETTE  OF  FERRY-BOATS. 

There  is  a  place  where  the  good  manners  of  men 
seem  sometimes  to  forsake  them  —  in  the  ladies' 
saloon  of  ferry-boats.  The  men  reign  paramount 
in  their  own  saloon.  No  woman  dares  intrude 
there,  still  less  deprive  its  rightful  occupants  of 
their  seats.  Yet  many  men,  without  even  the  ex- 
cuse of  being  escorts  for  women,  preferring  the 
purer  natural  and  moral  atmosphere  of  the  ladies' 
saloon,  take  possession  and  seat  themselves,  not- 
withstanding women  have  to  stand  in  consequence. 
This  is  not  a  matter  of  politeness  alone ;  it  is  one 
of  simple  justice.  The  ladies'  saloon  is  for  the  ac- 
commodation of  ladies,  and  no  gentleman  has  the 
right  to  occupy  a  seat  so  long  as  a  lady  is  unpro- 
vided. The  seats  in  street  cars  are  surrendered  to 


TRAVELING,  DRIVING  AND   RIDING.  93 

the  ladies  through  courtesy ;  they  take  them  in  their 
own  saloon  on  the  ferry-boat  as  their  right. 

SMOKING  IN  THE  PRESENCE  OF  WOMEN. 

No  man  has  any  right  to  smoke  in  a  public  place 
where  there  is  any  woman  present.  It  is  not  suf- 
ficient to  ask  her  if  she  objects  to  smoking.  Ten 
to  one  she  will  answer  falsely  rather  than  seem 
selfish  or  impolite. 

Even  in  the  society  of  men  exclusively  he  is  not 
justified  in  smoking  until  he  has  asked  each  one  in- 
dividually if  he  objects.  If  but  a  single  person  con- 
fesses to  disliking  it,  he  should  put  up  his  cigar-case. 

CHECKING  FAMILIARITY. 

It  is  impossible  to  dwell  too  strongly  upon  the 
importance  of  reserve  and  discretion  on  the  part  of 
ladies  traveling  alone.  They  may,  as  has  been  al- 
ready said,  accept  slight  services  courteously  proffered 
by  strangers,  but  any  attempt  at  familiarity  must  be 
checked,  and  this  with  all  the  less  hesitation  that  no 
gentleman  will  be  guilty  of  such  familiarity ;  and  a 
lady  wants  only  gentlemen  for  her  acquaintances. 

Once,  when  traveling  from  Pittsburg  to  Cleveland, 
there  were  upon  the  same  train  with  ourselves  a 
young  lady  and  gentleman  who  were  soon  the  ob- 
served of  all  observers.  He  was  a  commercial 
traveler  of  some  sort,  and  she  probably  just  from 
boarding-school.  They  were  total  strangers  to  each 
other  as  they  both  entered  the  car  at  Pittsburg, 


94  OUR   BEHAVIOR. 

though  both  had  come  from  Philadelphia.  The  ac- 
quaintance began  soon  after  leaving  Pittsburg.  By 
the  time  Wellsville  was  reached  he  had  taken  his 
seat  beside  her.  At  Alliance  the  personal  history 
of  each  was  known  to  the  other.  The  gentleman 
here  invited  the  lady  to  supper  and  paid  her  bill. 
Shortly  afterward  photographs  were  exchanged, 
they  had  written  confidentially  in  each  other's  note- 
books, and  had  promised  to  correspond.  All  this 
passed  between  them  in  tones  so  loud  and  with 
actions  so  obtrusive  that  they  attracted  the  notice 
of  every  one  in  the  car,  and  many  were  the  com- 
ments upon  them.  As  daylight  waned  she  sunk 
upon  his  shoulder  to  sleep,  while  he  threw  his  arm 
around  her  to  support  her.  If  they  had  announced 
their  engagement  at  Hudson,  and  inquired  for  a 
clergyman  upon  the  train  to  marry  them  upon  their 
arrival  at  Cleveland,  no  one  would  have  been  really 
surprised.  She  was  a  foolish  girl,  yet  ofd  enough 
to  have  known  better.  He  must  have  been  a  villain 
thus  to  take  advantage  of  her  silliness. 

Still,  if  the  journey  is  long,  and  especially  if  it  be 
by  steamboat,  a  certain  sociability  is  in  order,  and  a 
married  lady  or  lady  of  middle  age  should  make 
good  use  of  her  privileges  in  this  respect. 

DUTY  OF  LADIES  TO  OTHER  LADIES  IN  TRAVELING. 

It  is  especially  the  duty  of  ladies  to  look  after 
other  ladies  younger  or  less  experienced  than  them- 
selves who  may  be  traveling  without  escort.  To 


TRAVELING,   DRIVING  AND   RIDING.  95 

watch  these  and  see  that  they  are  not  made  the 
dupes  of  villains,  and  to  pass  a  pleasant  word  with 
others  who  may  possibly  feel  the  loneliness  of  their 
situation,  should  be  the  especial  charge  of  every  lady 
of  experience.  Such  a  one  may  often  have  the 
privilege  of  rendering  another  lady  an  important 
service  in  giving  her  information  or  advice,  or  even 
assistance.  Every  lady  of  experience  and  self-pos- 
session should  feel  her  duties  to  be  only  less  than 
those  of  a  gentleman  in  showing  favors  to  the  more 
helpless  and  less  experienced  of  her  own  sex. 

TRAVELING  ACQUAINTANCES. 

An  acquaintance  of  either  sex  formed  in  traveling 
need  never  be  retained  afterward,  though  sometimes 
valuable  and  valued  friends  are  thus  secured. 

CONSULTING  THE  COMFORT  OF  OTHERS. 

No  one  has  a  right  to  keep  open  a  window  in 
a  car  or  boat  to  the  detriment  of  another.  If  the 
weather  is  cool  and  the  windows  are  closed,  before 
venturing  to  raise  one  the  permission  of  all  those 
whom  the  keen  air  might  reach  should  first  be 
asked.  There  are  many  discomforts  in  traveling,  and 
they  should  be  borne  cheerfully  with  the  reflection 
that  what  might  relieve  your  simple  discomfort  may 
seriously  endanger  the  health  of  another. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  PUBLIC  TABLES. 
On  board  steamers  and  in  hotels  no  gentleman 


96  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

will  be  guilty  of  rushing  to  the  table,  helping  him- 
self selfishly  to  what  he  wants  and  eating  raven- 
ously. Even  though  all  others  are  guilty  of  these 
things,  the  man  who  abstains  gives  an  evidence  of 
his  superior  breeding. 

ATTENDING  TO  THE  WANTS  OF  OTHERS. 

See  everywhere  and  at  all  times  that  ladies  and 
elderly  people  have  their  wants  supplied  before  you 
think  of  your  own.  Nor  is  there  need  for  unmanly 
haste  and  pushing  in  entering  or  leaving  cars  or 
boats.  There  is  always  time  enough  allowed  for 
each  passenger  to  enter  in  a  gentlemanly  manner 
and  with  a  due  regard  to  the  rights  of  others. 

If,  in  riding  in  the  street  cars  or  crossing  a  ferry, 
your  friend  insists  upon  paying  for  you,  permit  him 
to  do  so  without  serious  remonstrance.  You  can 

return  the  favor  at  some  other  time. 

• . 

READING  WHEN  TRAVELING. 

If  a  gentleman  in  traveling  has  provided  himself 
with  newspapers  or  other  reading,  he  should  offer 
them  to  his  companions  first.  If  they  are  refused,  he 
may  with  propriety  read  himself,  leaving  the  others 
free  to  do  the  like  if  they  wish. 

SELFISHNESS  OF  LADIES. 

Ladies  in  traveling  should  scrupulously  avoid 
monopolizing,  to  the  exclusion  of  others,  whatever 
conveniences  are  provided  for  their  use.  Mr.  Pull- 


TRAVELING,   DRIVING   AND  RIDING.          97 

man,  the  inventor  of  the  palace  car,  was  asked  why 
•there  were  not  locks  or  bolts  upon  the  ladies'  dress- 
ing-rooms. He  replied  that  "  if  these  were  furnished, 
but  two  or  three  ladies  in  a  sleeping-car  would  be 
able  to  avail  themselves  of  the  conveniences,  for 
these  would  lock  themselves  in  and  perform  their 
toilettes  at  their  leisure."  It  spunds  like  satire  upon 
American  ladyhood,  but  we  fear  it  is  true. 

SEAT  OF  HONOR  IN  A  CARRIAGE. 
In  driving  the  choicest  seat  is  the  one  facing  the 
horses.  Gentlemen  should  always  yield  this  to  the 
ladies ;  and  if  there  are  but  one  gentleman  and  one 
lady  in  the  carriage,  the  gentleman  must  sit  down 
opposite  the  lady  unless  she  invite  him  to  the  seat 
by  her  side.  The  place  of  honor  is  on  the  right 
hand  of  the  seat  facing  the  horses.  This  is  also  the 
seat  of  the  hostess,  and  she  is  never  expected  to 
resign  it.  If  she  is  not  driving,  it  must  be  offered  to 
the  most  distinguished  lady. 

ENTERING  A  CARRIAGE. 

In  entering  a  carriage  one  should  so  enter  that 
the  back  is  toward  the  seat  intended  to  be  occupied, 
so  that  there  will  be  no  need  of  turning  round.  A 
gentleman  must  be  careful  not  to  trample  upon  or 
crush  ladies'  dresses. 

ASSISTING  LADIES  TO  ALIGHT. 
A  gentleman  must  first  alight   from  a  carriage, 
even  if  he  has  to  pass  before  a  lady  in  so  doing.    He 


98  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

must  then  assist  the  ladies  to  alight.  If  there  is  a 
servant  with  the  carriage,  the  latter  may  hold  open 
the  door,. but  the  gentleman  must  by  all  means  fur- 
nish the  ladies  the  required  assistance. 

It  is  quite  an  art  to  descend  from  a  carriage  prop- 
erly. More  attention  is  paid  to  this  matter  in  Eng- 
land than  in  America.  We  are  told  an  anecdote  by 
M.  Mercy  d'Argenteau  illustrative  of  the  importance 
of  this.  He  says  :  "  The  princess  of  Hesse-Darm- 
stadt, having  been  desired  by  the  empress  of  Austria 
to  bring  her  three  daughters  to  court  in  order  that 
Her  Imperial  Majesty  might  choose  one  of  them  for  a 
wife  to  one  of  her  sons,  drove  up  in  her  coach  to  the 
palace  gate.  Scarcely  had  they  entered  her  pres- 
ence when,  before  even  speaking  to  them,  the  em- 
press went  up  to  the  second  daughter,  and  taking 
her  by  the  hand  said, 

"  '  I  choose  this  young  lady.' 

"The  mother,  astonished  at  the  suddenness  of 
her  choice,  inquired  what  had  actuated  her. 

" '  I  watched  the  young  ladies  get  out  of  their 
carriage,'  said  the  empress.  '  Your  eldest  daughter 
stepped  on  her  dress,  and  only  saved  herself  from 
falling  by  an  awkward  scramble.  The  youngest 
jumped  from  the  coach  to  the  ground  without 
touching  the  steps.  The  second,  just  lifting  her 
dress  in  front  as  she  descended,  so  as  to  show  the 
point  of  her  shoe,  calmly  stepped  from  the  carriage 
to  the  ground,  neither  hurriedly  nor  stiffly,  but  with 
grace  and  dignity.  She  is  fit  to  be  an  empress.  Tbe 


TRAVELING,   DRIVING  AND   RIDING.  99 

eldest  sister    is   too   awkward,   the    youngest  too 
wild." 

A  gentleman  in  assisting  a  lady  into  a  carriage 
will  take  care  that  the  skirt  of  her  dress  is  not  al- 
lowed to  hang  outside.  It  is  best  to  have  a  car- 
riage-robe to  protect  it  entirely  from  the  mud  or 
dust  of  the  road.  He  should  provide  her  with  her 
parasol,  fan  and  shawl  before  he  seats  himself,  and 
make  certain  that  she  is  in  every  way  comfortable. 

If  a  lady  has  occasion  to  leave  the  carriage  before 
the  gentleman  accompanying  her,  he  must  alight  to 
assist  her  out ;  and  if  she  wishes  to  resume  her  seat 
in  the  carriage,  he  must  again  alight  to  help  her  to 
do  so. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  RIDING. 

The  etiquette  of  riding  is  very  exact  and  im- 
portant. 

One  should  not  make  too  prominent  an  appear- 
ance on  horseback  until  one  is  thoroughly  master  of 
the  situation.  There  is  an  old  rhyme  which  gives 
the  art  of  riding  in  one  lesson : 

"  Keep  up  your  head  and  your  heart, 

Your  hands  and  your  heels  keep  down ; 
Press  your  knees  close  to  your  horse's  sides, 
And  your  elbows  close  to  your  own." 

PREPARATIONS  FOR  RIDING. 

A  gentleman  contemplating  a  ride  with  a  lady 
should  make  certain  her  horse  is  a  proper  one  for 
her  use  if  it  is  one  to  which  she  is  not  accus- 


100  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

tomed.  He  must  also  see  that  everything  about 
the  saddle  and  head-gear  is  in  perfect  order  and 
secure  from  accident,  and  not  trust  to  the  careless 
supervision  of  grooms  or  livery-stable  men.  He  is 
for  the  time  being  responsible  for  her  safety. 

ASSISTING  LADIES  TO  MOUNT. 

In  riding  with  a  lady  it  is  the  gentleman's  duty 
to  assist  her  to  mount.  The  lady  will  place  herself 
on  the  near  or  left  side  of  the  horse,  standing  as 
close  to  him  as  possible,  with  her  skirt  gathered  in 
her  left  hand,  her  right  hand  upon  the  pommel  and 
her  face  toward  the  horse's  head.  The  gentleman 
should  stand  at  the  horse's  shoulder,  facing  her, 
stooping,  with  his  hand  held  so  that  she  may  place 
her  left  foot  in  it.  This  she  does  when  the  foot  is 
lifted  as  she  springs,  so  as  to  gently  aid  her  in  gain- 
ing the  saddle.  The  gentleman  must  then  put  he* 
foot  in  the  stirrup  and  smooth  the  skirt  of  hei 
habit.  He  is  then  at  liberty  to  mount  himself. 

How  close  proximity  he  keeps  to  her,  and  if  there 
are  two  ladies  whether  he  ride  between  or  on  one 
side  of  them,  must  depend  upon  how  skilled  the 
ladies  are  in  riding  and  how  much  assistance  they 
require  of  him. 

PACE  IN  RIDING. 

The  lady  must  always  decide  upon  the  pace.  It 
is  ungenerous  to  urge  her  or  incite  her  horse  to  a 
faster  gait  than  she  feels  competent  to  undertake. 


TRAVELING,   DRIVING  AND   RIDING.         IOI 

If  a  gentleman  riding  alone  meets  a  lady  walking 
and  desires  to  speak  to  her,  he  must  alight  to  do  so. 

ASSISTING  A  LADY  TO  ALIGHT  FROM  A  HORSE. 

After  the  ride  the  gentleman  must  assist  his  com- 
panion to  alight.  She  must  first  free  her  knee  from 
the  pommel  and  be  certain  that  her  habit  is  entirely 
disengaged.  He  must  th^n  take  her  left  hand  in  his 
right  and  offer  his  left  hand  as  a  step  for  her  foot. 
He  must  lower  this  hand  gently  and  allow  her  to 
reach  the  ground  quietly  without  springing.  A  lady 
should  not  attempt  to  spring  from  the  saddle. 

COURTESIES  IN  RIDING. 

A  gentleman  should  offer  all  the  courtesies  of  the 
road,  yielding  the  best  and  shadiest  side  of  the  road 
to  the  lady  or  elderly  gentleman  with  whom  he  is 
riding.  He  must  open  all  gates  and  pay  all  tolls. 
He  should  ride  to  the  right  of  his  companion,  un- 
less circumstances  temporarily  favor  the  other  side. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

ETIQUETTE    OF  PUBLIC  PLACES. 

TV  T  OWHERE  as  in  public  places  will  a  man  and 
1  ^1  woman  show  their  true  breeding.  There  the 
perfect  lady  and  gentleman  are  always  polite,  con- 
siderate of  the  comfort  and  wishes  of  others  and 
unobtrusive  in  their  behavior.  Under  the  same 
circumstances  sham  gentility  is  boisterous,  rude, 
vulgar  and  selfish. 

CONDUCT  IN  CHURCH. 

One  should  preserve  the  utmost  silence  and  de- 
corum in  church. 

A  gentleman  should  remove  his  hat  as  soon  as  he 
enters. 

There  should  be  no  haste  in  passing  up  or  down 
the  aisle. 

There  should  be  no  whispering,  laughing  or  star- 
ing. 

A  gentleman  and  lady  should  pass  up  the  aisle 
together  until  the  pew  is  reached,  when  the  former 
should  step  before  the  latter,  open  the  pew  door, 
holding  it  open  while  she  enters,  then  follow  her  and 
close  the  door  after  him. 
102 


ETIQUETTE    OF  PUBLIC  PLACES.  1 03 

If  a  stranger  is  seen  to  enter  the  church  and  the 
sexton  does  not  at  once  provide  him  with  a  seat,  the 
pew  door  should  be  opened  and  the  stranger  silently 
invited  to  enter. 

If  books  or  fans  are  passed  in  church,  let  them  be 
offered  and  accepted  or  refused  with  a  silent  gesture 
of  acceptance  or  refusal. 

It  is  courteous  to  see  that  strangers  are  provided 
with  books ;  and  if  the  service  is  strange  to  them,  the 
places  for  the  day's  reading  should  be  indicated. 

It  is  perfectly  proper  to  offer  to  share  the  prayer 
or  hymn  book  with  a  stranger  if  there  is  no  separate 
book  for  his  use. 

When  the  services  are  concluded,  there  should  be 
no  haste  in  crowding  up  the  aisle,  but  the  departure 
should  be  conducted  quietly  and  decorously.  When 
the  vestibule  is  reached,  it  is  allowable  to  exchange 
greetings  with  friends,  but  here  there  should  be  no 
loud  talking  nor  boisterous  laughter.  Neither  should 
gentlemen  congregate  in  knots  in  the  vestibule  or 
upon  the  steps  of  the  church  and  compel  ladies  to 
run  the  gauntlet  of  their  eyes  and  tongues. 

In  visiting  a  church  of  a  different  belief  from  your 
own,  pay  the  utmost  respect  to  the  services  and  con- 
form in  all  things  to  the  observances  of  the  church 
— that  is,  kneel,  sit  and  rise  with  the  congregation. 
No  matter  how  grotesquely  some  of  the  forms  and 
observances  may  strike  you,  let  no  smile  or  con- 
temptuous remark  indicate  the  fact  while  in  the 
church. 


IO4  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

If  a  Protestant  gentleman  accompanies  a  lady  who 
is  a  Roman  Catholic  to  her  own  church,  it  is  an  act 
of  courtesy  to  offer  the  holy  water.  This  he  must 
do  with  his  ungloved  right  hand.  . 

Upon  entering  a  strange  church  it  is  best  to  wait 
until  the  sexton  conducts  you  to  a  seat.  By  no 
means  enter  an  occupied  pew  uninvited.  Neither  is 
it  proper  to  enter  an  unoccupied  pew  without  per- 
mission. 

Never  be  late  to  church.  It  is  a  decided  mark  of 
ill-breeding. 

In  visiting  a  church  for  the  mere  purpose  of  see- 
ing the  edifice,  one  should  always  go  at  a  time  when 
there  are  no  services  being  held.  If  people  are  even 
then  found  at  their  devotions,  as  is  apt  to  be  the  case 
in  Roman  Catholic  churches  especially,  the  demea- 
nor of  the  visitor  should  be  respectful  and  subdued 
and  his  voice  low,  so  that  he  may  not  disturb  them. 


INVITATION  TO  OPERA  OR  CONCERT. 

A  gentleman  upon  inviting  a  lady  to  accompany 
him  to  opera,  theatre,  concert  or  other  public  place 
of  amusement  must  send  his  invitation  the  previous 
day  and  write  it  in  the  third  person.  The  lady  must 
reply  immediately,  so  that  if  she  declines  there 
shall  yet  be  time  for  the  gentleman  to  secure  another 
companion. 

It  is  the  gentleman's  duty  to  secure  good  seat5  for 
the  entertainment,  or  else  he  or  his  conpanion  uny 


ETIQUETTE    OF  PUBLIC  PLACES.  IO5 

be  obliged  to  take  up  with  seats  where  they  can 
neither  see  nor  hear. 

CONDUCT  IN  OPERA,  THEATRE  OR  PUBLIC  HALL. 

On  entering  the  hall,  theatre  or  opera-house  the 
gentleman  should  walk  side  by  side  with  his  com- 
panion unless  the  aisle  is  too  narrow,  in  which  case 
he  should  precede  her.  Reaching  the  seats,  he 
should  allow  her  to  take  the  inner  one,  assuming 
the  outer  seat  himself. 

A  gentleman  should  on  no  account  leave  the 
lady's  side  from  the  beginning  to  the  close  of  the 
performance.  The  custom  of  going  out  alone  be- 
tween the  acts  to  visit  the  refreshment-room  cannot 
be  too  strongly  reprehended.  It  is  little  less  than 
an  insult  to  the  lady. 

If  it  is  a  promenade  concert  or  opera,  the  lady 
may  be  invited  to  promenade  during  the  intermission. 
If  she  decline,  the  gentleman  must  retain  his  posi- 
tion by  her  side. 

There  is  no  obligation  whatever  upon  a  gentleman 
to  give  up  his  seat  to  a  lady.  On  the  contrary,  his 
duty  is  solely  to  the  lady  whom  he  accompanies. 
He  must  remain  beside  her  during  the  evening  to 
converse  with  her  between  the  acts  and  to  render 
her  assistance  in  case  of  accident  or  disturbance. 

During  the  performance  complete  quiet  should  be 
preserved,  that  the  audience  may  not  be  prevented 
seeing  or  hearing.  Between  the  acts  it  is  perfectly 
proper  to  converse,  but  it  should  be  in  a  low  tone, 


106  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

so  as  not  to  attract  attention.  Neither  should  one 
whisper.  There  should  be  no  loud  talking,  boisterous 
laughter,  violent  gestures,  lover-like  demonstrations 
or  anything  in  manners  or  speech  to  attract  the  at- 
tention of  others. 

It  is  proper  and  desirable  that  the  actors  be 
applauded  when  they  deserve  it.  It  is  their  only 
means  of  knowing  whether  they  are  giving  satisfac- 
tion. 

The  gentleman  should  see  that  the  lady  is  pro- 
vided with  programme,  and  with  libretto  also  if  they 
are  attending  opera. 

In  passing  out  at  the  close  of  the  performance  the 
gentleman  should  precede  the  lady,  and  there  should 
be  no  crowding  and  pushing. 

If  the  means  of  the  gentleman  warrant  him  in  so 
doing,  he  should  call  for  his  companion  in  a  carriage. 
This  is  especially  necessary  if  the  evening  is  stormy. 
He  should  call  sufficiently  early  to  allow  them  to 
reach  their  destination  before  the  performance  com- 
mences. It  is  unjust  to  the  whole  audience  to  come 
in  late  and  make  a  disturbance  in  obtaining  seats. 

The  gentleman  should  ask  permission  to  call  upon 
the  lady  on  the  following  day,  which  permission  she 
should  grant ;  and  if  she  be  a  person  of  delicacy  and 
tact,  she  will  make  him  feel  that  he  has  conferred  a 
real  pleasure  upon  her  by  his  invitation.  Even  if  she 
finds  occasion  for  criticism  in  the  performance,  she 
should  be  lenient  in  this  respect  and  seek  for  points 
to  praise  instead,  that  he  may  not  feel  regret  at 


ETIQUETTE   OF  PUBLIC  PLACES.  IO/ 

taking  her  to  an  entertainment  which  has  proved 
unworthy. 

CONDUCT  IN  PICTURE-GALLERIES. 

In  visiting  picture-galleries  one  should  always 
maintain  the  deportment  of  a  gentleman  or  lady. 
Make  no  loud  comments,  and  do  not  seek  to  show 
superior  knowledge  in  art  matters  by  gratuitous  crit- 
icism. Ten  to  one,  if  you  have  not  an  art  education, 
you  will  only  be  giving  publicity  to  your  own  igno- 
rance. 

Do  not  stand  in  conversation  before  a  picture,  and 
thus  obstruct  the  view  of  others  who  wish  to  see 
rather  than  talk.  If  you  wish  to  converse  with  any 
one  on  general  subjects,  draw  to  one  side  out  of  the 
way  of  those  who  wish  to  look  at  the  pictures. 

CONDUCT  AT  FANCY  FAIRS. 

In  visiting  a  fancy  fair  make  no  comments  on 
either  the  articles  or  their  price  unless  you  can 
praise.  Do  not  haggle  over  them.  Pay  the  price 
demanded  or  let  them  alone.  If  you  can  con- 
scientiously praise  an  article,  by  all  means  do  so,  as 
you  may  be  giving  pleasure  to  the  maker  if  she 
chances  to  be  within  hearing. 

If  you  have  a  table  at  a  fair,  use  no  unladylike 
means  to  obtain  buyers.  Let  a  negative  suffice. 
Not  even  the  demands  of  charity  can  justify  you  in 
importuning  others  to  purchase  articles  against  their 
own  judgment  or  beyond  their  means. 


108  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

Never  be  so  grossly  ill-bred  as  to  retain  the 
change  if  a  larger  amount  is  presented  than  the 
price.  Offer  the  change  promptly,  when  the  gentle- 
man will  be  at  liberty  to  donate  it  if  he  thinks  best, 
and  you  may  accept  it  with  thanks.  He  is,  however, 
under  no  obligation  whatever  to  make  such  dona- 
tion. 

Be  guilty  of  no  loud  talking  or  laughing,  and 
by  all  means  avoid  conspicuous  flirting  in  so  public 
a  place. 

As,  according  to  the  general  rules  of  politeness,  a 
gentleman  must  always  remove  his  hat  in  the  pres- 
ence of  ladies,  so  he  should  remain  with  head  un- 
covered, carrying  his  hat  in  his  hand,  in  a  public 
place  of  this  character. 

CONDUCT  IN  AN  ARTIST'S  STUDIO. 

Upon  visiting  an  artist's  studio,  by  no  means 
meddle  with  anything  in  the  room.  Reverse  no 
picture  which  hangs  or  stands  with  face  to  the 
wall ;  open  no  portfolio  without  permission,  and  do 
not  alter  by  a .  single  touch  any  lay-figure  or  its 
drapery,  piece  of  furniture  or  article  of  vertu  posed 
as  a  model.  You  do  not  know  with  what  care  the 
artist  may  have  arranged  these  things,  nor  what 
trouble  the  disarrangement  may  cost  him. 

Use  no  strong  expression  of  either  delight  or 
disapprobation  at  anything  presented  for  your  in- 
spection. If  a  picture  or  a  statue  pleases  you,  show 
your  approval  and  appreciation  by  close  attention 


ETIQUETTE   OF  PUBLIC  PLACES.  TOO, 

and  a  few  quiet,  well-chosen  words,  rather  than  by 
extravagant  praise. 

Do  not  ask  the  artist  his  prices  unless  you  really 
intend  to  become  a  purchaser;  and  in  this  case  it 
is  best  to  attentively  observe  his  works,  make  your 
choice,  and  trust  the  negotiation  to  a  third  person 
or  to  a  written  correspondence  with  the  artist  after 
the  visit  is  concluded.  You  may  express  your  desire 
for  the  work  and  obtain  the  refusal  of  it  from  the 
artist.  If  you  desire  to  conclude  the  bargain  at 
once  and  ask  his  price,  and  he  names  a  higher  one 
than  you  desire  to  give,  you  may  say  as  much  and 
mention  the  sum  you  are  willing  to  pay,  when  it 
will  be  optional  with  the  artist  to  maintain  his  first 
price  or  accept  your  offer. 

It  is  not  proper  to  visit  the  studio  of  an  artist 
except  by  special  invitation  or  permission  and  at 
an  appointed  time,  for  you  cannot  appreciate  how 
much  you  may  disturb  him  at  his  work.  The 
hours  of  daylight  are  all  golden  to  him ;  and  stead- 
iness of  hand  in  manipulating  a  pencil  is  sometimes 
only  acquired  each  day  after  hours  of  practice,  and 
may  be  instantly  lost  on  the  irruption  and  conse- 
quent interruption  of  visitors. 

Never  take  a  young  child  to  a  studio,  for  it  may 
do  much  mischief  in  spite  of  the  most  careful 
watching.  At  any  rate,  the  juvenile  visitor  will  try 
the  artist's  temper  and  nerves  by  keeping  him  in  a 
state  of  constant  apprehension. 

If  you    have   engaged   to   sit  for  your  portrait, 


110  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

never  keep  the  artist  waiting  one  moment  oeyond 
the  appointed  time.  If  you  do  so,  you  should  in 
justice  pay  for  the  time  you  make  him  lose. 

A  visitor  should  never  stand  behind  an  artist  and 
watch  him  at  his  work ;  for  if  he  be  a  man  of  ner- 
vous temperament,  it  will  be  likely  to  disturb  him 
greatly. 


CHAPTER  X. 

EPISTOLARY  ETIQUETTE. 

MUCH  of  the  happiness  of  this   life   depends 
upon  letter-writing.     Yet  there  are  few  who 
know  how  to  write  a  letter  correctly  and  properly  in 
all  respects. 

There  are  various  kinds  of  letters,  prominent 
among  which  are  the  family  letter,  the  friendly  let- 
ter, the  love  letter,  the  business  letter,  the  letter  of 
congratulation  or  condolence,  and  letters  of  invita- 
tion and  acceptance  or  declination. 

THE  FAMILY  LETTER. 

First,  and  most  important  of  all,  comes  the  family 
letter.  Women  always  write  these  best.  They 
know  how  to  pick  up  those  little  items  of  interest 
which  are,  after  all,  nearly  the  sum-total  of  home 
life,  and  which,  by  being  carefully  narrated,  trans- 
port, for  the  time  being,  the  recipient  back  to  home 
and  home  interests.  These  letters  should  speak 
familiarly  of  all  the  inmates  of  the  family,  tell  of  the 
health  or  ill-health,  haps  or  mishaps  of  each,  and 
what  they  are  doing  or  intending  to  do.  They 
should  give  little  gossipy  items  about  neighbors 

ill 


112  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

and  acquaintances.  They  may  even  descend  to 
trifles  about  dress — how  Maria  has  got  a  new  black 
alpaca  which  she  has  made  with  a  broad  flounce  and 
plain  overskirt;  Frances  has  turned  her  old  blue 
silk  and  trimmed  it  with  black  lace,  and  made  it  look 
as  good  as  new.  They  may  refer  to  Billy,  the  favor- 
ite horse,  and  even  announce  an  increase  in  pussy's 
family.  Having  furnished  all  the  news,  they  should 
make  kind  and  careful  inquiries  concerning  the  feel- 
ings and  doings  of  the  recipient ;  and  if  this  recipient 
is  not  an  adept  in  the  art  of  letter-writing,  they  may 
furnish  questions  enough  to  be  answered  to  make 
the  reply  an  easy  task.  They  should  conclude  with 
sincere  expressions  of  affection  from  all  the  mem- 
bers of  the  family  to  the  absent  one,  a  desire  for  his 
speedy  return  or  best  welfare,  and  a  request  for  an 
early  answer. 

There  really  is  no  set  model  for  a  family  letter. 
It  should  be  written  as  an  agreeable  and  intelligent 
woman  would  chat. 


THE  FRIENDLY  LETTER. 

The  friendly  letter  can  scarcely  be  described.  It 
should  be  somewhat  more  dignified  in  tone,  and  not 
descend  to  such  trivialities  as  the  family  letter.  It 
should  touch  upon  subjects  of  interest  to  each,  and 
try  to  breathe  throughout  a  spirit  of  sincerity  and 
of  genuine  interest  in  the  person  addressed. 

A  letter  of  this  character  should  receive  an  early 


EPIS TOLA RY  E TIQ UE TTE.  1 1 3 

reply,  yet  not  too  early,  as  that  would  place  the  first 
writer  too  soon  under  obligations  to  write  again. 

THE  LOVE  LETTER. 

What  can  we  say  of  the  love  letter  ?  Only  this : 
Let  it  be  expressive  of  sincere  esteem,  yet  written  in 
such  a  style  that  if  it  should  ever  fall  under  the  eye 
of  the  outside  world  there  will  be  no  silliness  to 
blush  about,  nor  extravagance  of  expression  of  which 
to  be  ashamed. 

THE  BUSINESS  LETTER. 

The  business  letter  should  be  as  brief  as  possible. 
No  words  should  be  wasted  in  preface,  apology  or 
explanation.  Begin  at  once  at  the  business  on  hand ; 
state  that  in  as  few  words  as  are  consistent  with 
clearness  of  meaning,  and  when  that  is  done  stop. 

In  writing  a  business  letter  to  a  gentleman  a  lady 
should  first  put  his  name  in  full,  and  then  say  "  Sir," 
or  "  Dear  Sir,"  never  "  My  Dear  Sir."  A  gentleman 
should  observe  a  like  rule  in  addressing  a  lady.  The 
letter  should  conclude,  "  Yours,"  "  Yours  respect- 
fully," "  Yours  truly,"  "  Your  obedient  servant,"  or 
almost  any  of  the  forms  commonly  adopted,  except 
"  Yours,  etc.,"  which  means  nothing  except  an  ex- 
pression of  laziness. 

It  is  most  imperative  that  the  business  letter 
should  contain  the  writer's  name  and  address  in 
full. 

In  replying  to  a  business  letter  the  writer  should 


114  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

always  recapitulate  the  substance  of  the  letter  re- 
ceived before  the  reply  is  given,  that  the  corre- 
spondent may  have  the  whole  matter  recalled  to 
his  mind,  as  a  business  man  may  have  written  so 
many  business  letters  that  the  substance  of  this 
particular  one  may  have  entirely  escaped  his  mem* 
ory,  and  a  reply  which  gave  no  clue  to  it  would 
be  entirely  unintelligible. 

It  is  allowable,  and  in  some  cases  desirable,  upon 
receiving  a  brief  business  letter,  to  write  the  reply 
on  the  same  page,  immediately  beneath  the  original 
communication,  thus  returning  both  together.  By 
this  means  the  whole  matter  is  brought  up  before  the 
writer's  mind  without  an  effort. 

A  business  letter  should  receive  an  immediate 
reply,  which  should  be  as  brief,  and  direct  as  cir- 
cumstances will  permit. 


LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION. 

A  letter  of  introduction  should  be  written  upon 
the  best  note-paper,  with  an  envelope  to  corre- 
spond, and  of  a  fashionable  shape  and  size.  The 
precise  form  of  a  letter  of  introduction  is  not  es- 
sential, so  that  it  expresses  an  earnest  desire  to 
have  the  friend  whom  it  introduces  received  into 
the  good  esteem  of  the  friend  addressed. 

Letters  of  introduction  should  never  be  sealed, 
and  should  bear  upon  the  envelope,  in  the  left- 
hand  corner,  the  name  and  address  of  the  pefson 


EPISTOLATORY  ETIQUETTE.  11$ 

introduced.     The  following  will  give  an  idea  3f  an 
appropriate  form  for  a  letter  of  introduction : 

"PHILADELPHIA,  October  27,  1874. 

"J.  W.  OSGOOD,  ESQ.: 
"  DEAR  SIR  : 

"  I  take  the  liberty  of  introducing  to  you  my 
esteemed  friend,  Miss  Mary  A.  Weeks,  who  con- 
templates spending  some  little  time  in  your  city. 
Any  attentions  you  may  find  it  possible  to  show 
her  during  her  stay  will  be  considered  as  a  personal 
favor  by  Yours  sincerely, 

"  MRS.  E.  B.  BARTLETT." 

The  envelope  should  bear  the  following   super- 
scription : 


Introducing  Miss  Mary  A.  Weeks,  Philadelphia. 


LETTERS  OF  CONGRATULATION  OR  CONDOLENCE. 

In  writing  letters  of  congratulation  or  condolence 
one  should  be  careful  to  make  them  seem  expressive 


II 6  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

of  real  feeling,  and  not  have  them  sound  like  a  mere 
form  of  words  copied  from  some  "  Model  Letter 
Writer."  Therefore  use  no  set  form,  such  as  that 
prescribed  in  the  "  Letter  Writer's  Own  Book,"  but 
let  the  letter  be  natural  and  characteristic  in  its 
phraseology.  Make  letters  of  this  character  brief, 
and  do  not  touch  in  them  upon  any  subject  save  the 
one  for  which  you  are  offering  your  congratulations 
or  sympathy. 

LETTERS  OF  INVITATION. 

Letters  of  invitation  are  various  in  form,  according 
to  the  occasion  which  calls  them  forth. 

An  invitation  to  a  large  party  or  ball  should  be 
sent  out  at  least  a  fortnight  beforehand,  and  should 
read  as  follows : 

"  Mrs.  Neff  requests  the  pleasure  of  Miss  Wil- 
liams' company  at  a  ball  on  Thursday,  Jan.  8,  at  9 
o'clock." 

Invitations  to  a  ball  are  always  given  in  the  name 
of  the  lady  of  the  house. 

The  letter  of  acceptance  should  be  as  follows : 

"  Miss  Williams  accepts  with  pleasure  Mrs.  Neff 's 
kind  invitation  for  Thursday,  Jan.  8." 

Or  if  it  is  impossible  to  attend,  a  note  something 
after  the  following  style  should  be  sent : 

"  Miss  Williams  regrets  that  a  previous  engage- 
ment [or  whatever  may  be  the  preventing  cause]  will 
prevent  her  accepting  Mrs.  Neff 's  kind  invitation  for 
Jan.  8." 


EPISTOLAR  Y  E  TIQ UE  TTE.  1 1  / 

The  invitation  to  a  large  party  is  similar  to  that 
for  a  ball,  only  the  words  "  at  a  ball "  are  omitted 
and  the  hour  may  be  earlier.  The  notes  of  accept- 
ance or  rejection  are  the  same  as  for  a  ball. 

Such  a  note  calls  for  full  evening-dress.  If  the 
party  is  a  small  one,  the  same  should  be  indicated 
in  the  note  by  putting  in  the  words  "  to  a  small 
evening-party,"  so  that  there  may  be  no  mistake  in 
the  matter.  There  can  certainly  be  nothing  more 
embarrassing  to  a  lady  than  to  go  in  full  evening- 
dress  to  the  house  of  a  friend  expecting  to  find  a 
large  party  there  assembled  all  in  similar  costumes, 
and  meet  only  a  few  friends  and  acquaintances 
plainly  dressed. 

If  there  is  any  special  feature  which  is  to  give 
character  to  the  evening,  it  is  best,  by  all  means,  to 
mention  this  fact  in  the  note  of  invitation.  Thus  the 
words  "musical  party,"  "to  take  part  in  dramatic 
readings,"  "to  witness  amateur  theatricals,"  etc., 
should  be  inserted  in  the  note.  If  there  are  pro- 
grammes for  the  entertainment,  be  sure  to  enclose 
one. 

An  invitation  from  a  gentleman  to  a  lady  to  attend 
opera,  theatre,  concert,  lecture  or  other  entertain- 
ment should  read  as  follows  : 

"  Mr.  Morris  would  be  pleased  to  have  Miss 
Dixon's  company  at  the  opera  on  Friday  evening, 
February  6,  when  'Norma'  will  be  performed  by 
Miss  Kellogg's  company  at  the  Academy  of  Music." 

Such  an  invitation  calls  for  an  immediate  answer 


II 8  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

of  acceptance  or  rejection.     The  lady  may  plead  a 
prior  engagement  in,  rejecting. 

For  a  general  reception  invitations  are  printed 
upon  cards  and  require  no  answer.  Their  style 
should  be  similar  to  the  following  : 


t     ome, 


Invitations  to  a  dinner-party  should  be  in  the 
name  of  both  host  and  hostess : 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  C.  B.  Campbell  request  the  plea- 
sure of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Morris'  company  at  dinner  on 
Monday,  Dec.  23,  at  five  o'clock." 

A  note  of  acceptance  or  refusal  should  be  at  once 
returned.  The  models  of  replies  to  invitations  to 
balls  will  serve  here. 

An  invitation  to  a  tea-drinking  need  not  be  so 
formal.  It  should  partake  more  of  the  nature  of  a 
friendly  note,  thus : 

"  DEAR  Miss  RAYMOND  :  We  have  some  friends 


£  PIS  TOLA  RY  E  TIQ  UE  TTE.  1 1 9 

coming  to  drink  tea  with  us  to-morrow ;  will  you 
give  us  the  pleasure  of  your  company  also  ?  We 
hope  you  will  not  disappoint  us. 

"  MRS.  ELLEN  BROWN." 

In  writing  to  persons  of  superior  rank  than  your 
own  you  should  request  the  "  honor "  instead  of 
"  pleasure  "  of  their  company. 

Invitations  should  be  written  upon  small  note 
paper,  which  may  have  initial  or  monogram  stamped 
upon  it. 

All  invitations  should  be  dated  at  the  top,  with 
address  written  legibly  at  the  bottom. 

The  body  of  the  invitation  should  be  in  the  mid- 
dle of  the  sheet,  the  date  above,  to  the  right,  the 
address  below,  to  the  left. 

The  invitation  must  be  sent  to  the  private  resi- 
dence of  the  person  invited,  never  to  the  place  of 
business.  It  should  always  be  sent  by  a  private 
messenger;  for  the  post  is  so  uncertain  that  it 
might  not  be  received  in  time,  if  it  did  not  fail  alto- 
gether. 

Should  an  invitation  be  declined,  some  reason 
must  be  given,  the  true  cause — a  prior  engagement, 
a  contemplated  journey,  sickness,  domestic  trouble, 
or  whatever  it  may  be — being  stated  clearly  and 
concisely,  so  that  the  hostess  shall  have  no  possible 
occasion  for  offence.  This  refusal  should  be  des- 
patched as  quickly  as  possible,  so  that  the  hostess 
may  have  time  to  supply  the  vacant  place. 


120  OUR   BEHAVIOR. 

An  invitation  once  accepted,  and  an  engagement 
made  to  dinner,  should  be  sacredly  observed.  Only 
the  most  imperative  necessity  will  justify  its  being 
broken.  And  in  that  case  the  fact  must  be  communi- 
cated directly  with  a  full  explanation  to  the  hostess. 
If  it  is  too  late  to  supply  your  place,  it  may  at  least 
be  in  time  to  prevent  dinner  waiting  on  your  account. 

The  style  of  wedding  invitations  differs  with 
changing  fashions,  so  that  there  can  be  no  impera- 
tive rule  laid  down.  The  same  may  be  said  regard- 
ing funerals. 

GENERAL  RULES  REGARDING  LETTER-WRITING. 

All  letters  should  be  written  in  a  clear,  fair  hand. 
The  t's  should  be  scrupulously  crossed  and  the  i's 
dotted,  and  the  sentences  sufficiently  punctuated  to 
allow  of  the  sense  being  readily  comprehended.  We 
will  not  insist  upon  perfect  punctuation  for  the  very 
good  reason  that  the  vast  majority  of  people  are  un- 
equal to  it. 

A  letter  should  be  written  on  white  paper  with 
black  ink.  The  best  and  most  appropriate  size  of 
paper  is  what  is  known  as  "  commercial  note." 

Monograms  are  only  allowable  in  black  or  stamp. 
Gilt  or  colored  monograms  are  exceedingly  vulgar. 

Letters  should  always  bear  the  address  of  the 
writer.  The  best  way  is  to  have  the  address  neatly 
printed  at  the  top  of  the  sheet.  By  this  means  no 
forgetfulness  on  the  part  of  the  writer  in  this  respect 
will  result  disastrously. 


EPISTOLARY  ETIQUETTE.  121 

The  name  should  always  be  signed  in  full  to  a 
letter  of  whatever  character ;  and  if  the  writer  be  a 
married  lady,  she  should  invariably,  except  in  the 
most  familiar  missives,  prefix  "  Mrs."  to  her  name. 

An  elaborate  or  illegible  signature  intended  to 
make  an  impression  on  the  beholder  is  exceedingly 
snobbish. 

In  business  and  ceremonious  letters  do  not  write 
on  both  sides  of  the  page. 

Be  very  sparing  in  your  underlining  of  words. 
Most  letters  need  no  italics  whatever,  and  to  empha- 
size words  in  every  line  by  underscoring  makes  the 
whole  letter  weak,  if  not  ridiculous. 

Letters  should  present  neither  erasures  nor  blots. 

Letters  about  one's  own  affairs,  requiring  an  an- 
swer, should  always  enclose  a  stamp  to  pay  return 
postage.  A  still  better  way  is  to  send  a  stamped  and 
directed  envelope. 

Letters  should  be  directed  in  a  clear,  large  hand 
to  the  person  for  whom  they  are  intended.  If  they 
are  to  be  in  the  care  of  some  one  else,  let  that  be 
added  after  the  name  or  in  the  lower  left-hand  corner 
of  the  letter. 

It  is  well  to  put  the  writer's  name  and  address  on 
the  outside  of  the  envelope,  and  then,  if  the  letter  is 
not  taken  from  the  office,  it  will  in  course  of  time 
be  returned  direct  to  the  sender. 

Red  sealing-wax  is  only  used  in  business  or  offi- 
cial letters.  The  self-sealing  envelopes  preclude  the 
necessity  of  using  either  wax  or  wafers. 


122  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

The  stamp  should  be  placed  on  the  right-hand 
corner  of  the  envelope,  and  it  is  well  to  bestow  suffi- 
cient time  upon  it  to  place  it  right  side  up  and  per- 
fectly straight. 

In  communicating  bad  news  great  care  should  be 
taken  not  to  do  it  too  abruptly. 

We  should  speak  of  our  own  misfortunes  as  little 
as  possible  in  our  letters ;  and  if  they  are  matters 
that  concern  only  ourselves,  and  the  person  to  whom 
we  write  cannot  in  any  way  help  us,  but  on  the  con- 
trary is  sure  to  be  cast  down  at  hearing  of  our 
troubles,  it  is  well  to  omit  their  mention  altogether. 

We  should  not  write  in  a  tone  of  dejection, 
neither  should  we  pen  an  ill-tempered  letter.  We' 
shall  be  sure  to  be  ashamed  of  such  a  one  in  our 
cooler  moments.  If  we  must  relieve  our  feelings  by 
writing  the  letter,  then  let  us  write  it,  but  postpone 
the  sending  for  a  day  or  two,  when  our  better  judg- 
ment will  probably  prompt  us  to  destroy  the  letter 
altogether. 

Letters  should  always  be  civil  in  tone.  If  they 
are  otherwise,  they  detract  from  the  dignity  of  the 
writer  rather  than  the  receiver. 

No  gentleman  or  lady  ever  writes  an  anonymous 
letter.  It  is  the  weapon  of  cowards  and  knaves. 

A  familiar  letter  is  always  more  or  less  egotistic, 
yet  it  must  be  made  to  seem  as  little  so  as  possible. 
This  can  be  done  by  avoiding  the  pronoun  "  I " 
whenever  practicable. 

A  person  in  mourning  should  use  note  paper  and 


EPISTOLARY  ETIQUETTE.  12$ 

envelope  with  a  black  border  of  more  or  less  width, 
according  to  the  degree  of  mourning  to  be  exhibited. 
Too  broad  a  border,  however,  is  ostentatious  and  in 
exceedingly  bad  taste. 

Errors  in  spelling  and  grammar  are  things  which 
no  well-bred  person  can  afford  to  be  guilty  of. 
There  is  nothing  which  will  so  quickly  prejudice 
another's  mind  against  one  as  these.  Style  is  also 
an  important  consideration.  Something  may  be  told 
pleasantly  and  in  a  lively  manner  which  shall  inter- 
est the  reader.  The  same  thing  may  be  communi- 
cated in  so  dull  and  verbose  a  style  that  the  reader 
will  hardly  have  patience  to  read  to  the  end. 

The  secret  of  good  letter-writing  consists  in 
writing  as  you  would  speak,  correctly  and  properly 
as  possible,  in  a  simple,  concise,  clear  and  natural 
manner. 


CHAPTER    XI. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  COURTSHIP. 

IT  cannot  be  expected  that  we  shall  in  this  chap- 
ter discuss  the  proper  qualifications  of  husbands 
and  wives  or  give  good  advice  or  words  of  warning 
in  these  matters.  There  is  much  to  be  said,  no 
doubt,  but  the  one  in  need  must  look  elsewhere  for 
information  or  counsel.  It  is  our  business  only  to 
dictate  the  proper  behavior  of  young  men  toward 
young  women  and  young  women  toward  young  men 
during  the  most  important  and  interesting  period  of 
their  lives.  Let  them  be  good,  bad  or  indifferent,  if 
they  would  regulate  their  actions  after  the  strict 
rules  of  society,  and  so  seem  at  their  best,  they  would 
do  well  to  study  the  pages  of  this  book,  or  of  one  of 
similar  character. 

SOCIAL  INTERCOURSE  BETWEEN  THE  SEXES. 

A  young  man  and  young  woman  who  are  not  yet 
engaged  enjoy  the  period  of  the  greatest  freedom 
they  will  ever  know.  They  may  associate  with 
those  of  the  other  sex  without  restraints  save  those 
imposed  by  decorum  and  good  breeding. 

124 


ETIQUETTE    OF  COURTSHIP.  12$ 

CONDUCT  OF  A  GENTLEMAN  TOWARD  LADIES. 

A  gentleman  whose  thoughts  are  not  upon  mar- 
riage should  not  pay  too  exclusive  attentions  to  any 
one  lady.  He  may  call  upon  all  and  extend  invita- 
tions to  any  or  all  to  attend  public  places  of  amuse- 
ment with  him,  or  may  act  as  their  escort  on  oc- 
casions, and  no  one  of  the  many  has  any  right  to  feel 
herself  injured.  But  as  soon  as  he  neglects  all  oth- 
ers to  devote  himself  to  a  single  lady  he  gives  that 
lady  reason  to  suppose  he  is  particularly  attracted  to 
her,  and  there  is  danger  of  her  feelings  becoming 
engaged. 

CONDUCT  OF  A  LADY  TOWARD  GENTLEMEN. 

Neither  should  a  young  lady  allow  marked  atten- 
tions from  any  one  to  whom  she  is  not  specially 
attracted,  for  two  reasons :  one,  that  she  may  not  do 
an  injury  to  the  gentleman  in  seeming  to  give  his 
suit  encouragement,  and  the  other,  that  she  may  not 
harm  herself  in  keeping  aloof  from  her  those  whom 
she  might  like  better,  but  who  will  not  approach  her 
under  the  mistaken  idea  that  her  feelings  are  already 
interested.  A  young  lady  will  on  no  account  encour- 
age the  addresses  of  one  whom  she  perceives  to  be 
seriously  interested  in  her  unless  she  feels  it  possible 
that  in  time  she  may  be  able  to  return  his  affections. 
The  prerogative  of  proposing  lies  with  man,  but  the 
prerogative  of  refusing  lies  with  woman ;  and  this 
prerogative  a  lady  of  tact  and  kind  heart  can  and 


126  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

will  exercise  before  her  suitor  is  brought  to  the 
humiliation  of  a  direct  offer.  She  may  let  him  see 
that  she  receives  with  equal  favor  attentions  from 
others,  and  she  may  check  in  a  kindly  but  firm 
manner  too  frequent  visits  to  herself.  She  should 
try,  while  discouraging  him  as  a  lover,  to  still  retain 
him  as  a  friend. 

A  young  man  who  has  used  sufficient  delicacy 
and  deliberation  in  the  matter,  and  who,  moreover, 
is.  capable  of  taking  a  hint  when  it  is  offered  him, 
need  hardly  go  to  the  length  of  a  declaration  when 
a  refusal  only  awaits  him. 

PREMATURE  DECLARATION. 

It  is  very  injudicious,  not  to  say  presumptuous, 
for  a  gentleman  to  make  a  proposal  to  a  young 
lady  on  too  brief  an  acquaintance.  He  may  be  per- 
fectly satisfied  as  to  her  merits,  but  how  can  he 
imagine  himself  so  attractive  as  to  suppose  her 
equally  satisfied  on  her  part  ?  A  lady  who  would 
accept  a  gentleman  at  first  sight  can  hardly  possess 
the  discretion  needed  to  make  her  a  good  wife. 
Therefore,  impatient  and  impassioned  young  man, 
nurse  your  ardor  for  a  time  unless  you  wish  to 
ensure  for  yourself  disappointment. 

LOVE  AT  FIRST  SIGHT. 

No  doubt  there  is  such  a  thing  as  love  at  first 
sight,  but  love  alone  is  a  very  uncertain  foundation 
upon  which  to  base  marriage.  There  should  be  thor- 


ETIQUETTE    OF  COURTSHIP.  12? 

ough  acquaintanceship  and  a  certain  knowledge  of 
harmony  of  tastes  and  temperaments  before  matri- 
mony is  ventured  upon. 

PROPER  MANNER  OF  COURTSHIP. 

It  is  impossible  to  lay  down  any  strict  rule  as  to 
the  proper  mode  of  courtship  and  proposal.  A 
French  authority  will  tell  us  that  it  is  the  business 
of  the  parents  to  settle  all  preliminaries.  In  Eng- 
land it  is  considered  en  regie  for  the  young  man 
to  ask  the  consent  of  the  parents  to  pay  addresses 
to  their  daughter.  In  this  country  the  matter  is 
left  almost  entirely  to  the  young  people. 

It  seems  most  reasonable  that  courtship  should 
precede  engagement,  and  that  circumstances  must 
determine  whether  it  lead  to  engagement.  Thus,  a 
man  may  begin  seriously  to  court  a  girl,  but  may 
discover  before  any  promise  binds  them  to  each 
other  that  they  are  entirely  unsuited  to  one  an- 
other, when  he  may  with  perfect  propriety,  and 
without  serious  injury  to  the  lady,  withdraw  his 
attentions.  But  suppose  he  has  already  applied  to 
and  gained  the  consent  of  her  parents  to  pay  her 
his  addresses.  They  have,  no  doubt,  communi- 
cated the  fact  to  their  daughter,  and  they  all  con- 
sider him  as  under  a  partial  engagement.  How, 
then,  when  he  comes  to  perceive  that  a  marriage 
between  them  cannot  fail  to  be  unhappy  and  un- 
fortunate, can  he  go  to  them  and  to  her  and  say 
this  and  withdraw  his  suit  with  dignity  and  with 


128  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

the  proper  feeling  on  both  sides?  Of  course 
such  a  proceeding  is  possible,  but  hardly  probable, 
ar  d  is  likely  to  produce  much  pain  and  embarrass- 
ment. 

Certain  authorities  would  insist  that  the  leave  of 
parents  must  always  be  obtained  before  the  daughter 
is  asked  to  give  herself  in  marriage.  While  we  would 
not  insinuate  that  there  is  anything  improper  or  wrong 
in  such  a  course,  still,  we  think,  in  this  country,  with 
our  social  customs,  it  is  best  not  to  be  too  strict  in 
this  regard.  Each  case  has  its  own  peculiar  circum- 
stances which  must  govern  it,  and  it  seems  at  least 
pardonable  to  us  if  the  young  man  should  prefer  to 
know  his  fate  directly  from  the  lips  of  the  most  in  - 
terested  party  before  he  submits  himself  to  the  cooler 
judgment  and  the  critical  observation  of  the  father 
and  mother,  who  are  not  by  any  means  in  love  with 
him,  and  who  may  possibly  regard  him  with  a  some- 
what jealous  eye  as  having  already  monopolized  their 
daughter's  affections  and  now  desirous  to  steal  her 
outright. 

Parents  should  always  be  perfectly  familiar  with 
the  character  of  their  daughter's  associates,  and 
they  should  exercise  their  authority  so  far  as  not 
to  permit  her  to  form  any  improper  acquaint- 
ances. In  regulating  the  social  relations  of  their 
daughter  parents  should  bear  in  mind  the  pos- 
sibility of  her  falling  in  love  with  any  one  with 
whom  she  may  come  in  frequent  contact.  There- 
fore, if  any  gentleman  of  her  acquaintance  is 


ETIQUETTE    OF  COURTSHIP.  I2Q 

particularly  ineligible  as  a  husband,  he  should  be 
excluded  as  far  as  practicable  from  her  society. 

Parents,  especially  mothers,  should  also  watch 
with  a  jealous  care  the  tendencies  of  their  daugh- 
ter's affections ;  and  if  they  see  them  turning  toward 
unworthy  or  undesirable  objects,  influence  of  some- 
sort  should  be  brought  to  bear  to  counteract  this. 
Open  remonstrance  and  objection  will  not  do  it.  It 
will  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten  have  a  result  the  exact 
contrary  of  that  desired.  Great  delicacy  and  tact 
are  required  to  manage  matters  rightly.  A  more 
suitable  person  may,  if  available,  be  brought  forward, 
in  the  hope  of  attracting  the  young  girl's  attention. 
The  objectionable  traits  of  the  undesirable  suitor 
should  be  made  apparent  to  her  without  the  act 
seeming  to  be  intentional;  and  if  all  this  fails,  let 
change  of  scene  and  surroundings  by  travel  or  visit- 
ing accomplish  the  desired  result.  The  latter  course 
will  generally  do  it  if  matters  have  not  been  allowed 
to  progress  too  far  and  the  young  girl  is  not  in- 
formed why  she  is  temporarily  banished  from  home. 

Parents  should  always  be  able  to  tell  from  obser- 
vation and  instinct  just  how  matters  stand  with  their 
daughter ;  and  if  the  suitor  is  an  acceptable  one  and 
everything  satisfactory,  then  the  most  scrupulous 
rules  of  etiquette  will  not  object  to  their  letting  the 
young  couple  alone.  If  the  lover  chooses  to  propose 
directly  to  the  lady  and  consult  her  father  afterward, 
consider  that  he  has  a  perfect  right  to  do  so.  If  her 
parents  have  sanctioned  his  visits  and  attentions  by 


130  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

a  silent  consent,  he  has  a  right  to  believe  that  his 
addresses  will  be  favorably  received  by  them.  If  he 
has  a  scrupulous  regard  for  old-fashioned  notions  of 
decorum  and  applies  to  the  father  first,  accept  his 
suit  graciously,  at  the  same  time  thanking  him  for 
his  honorable  conduct. 

PROPOSALS  OF  MARRIAGE. 

It  is  impossible  to  lay  down  any  rules  in  regard  to 
proposals  of  marriage.  Modes  are  and  should  be  as 
different  as  people.  The  best  way  certainly  is  to 
apply  in  person  to  the  lady  and  receive  the  answer 
from  her  own  lips.  Failing  in  courage  for  that,  one 
can  resort  to  writing.  A  spoken  declaration  should 
be  bold,  manly  and  earnest.  It  should  be,  moreover, 
plain  in  its  meaning,  so  there  may  be  no  misunder- 
standing. But  as  to  the  exact  words  there  is  no 
set  formula,  unless  we  accept  those  laid  down  in 
Dickens'  novel  of  David  Copperfield — "  Barkis  is 
willin." 

Trollope  says  on  this  subject :  "  We  are  inclined 
to  think  that  these  matters  are  not  always  discussed 
by  mortal  lovers  in  the  poetically  passionate  phrase- 
ology which  is  generally  thought  to  be  appropriate 
for  this  description.  A  man  cannot  well  describe  that 
which  he  has  never  seen  or  heard,  but  the  absolute 
words  and  acts  of  one  such  scene  did  once  come  to 
the  author's  knowledge.  The  couple  were  by  no 
means  plebeian  or  below  the  proper  standard  of 
high  bearing  and  high  breeding ;  they  were  a  hand- 


ETIQUETTE    OF  COURTSHIP.  \l\ 

some  pair,  living  among  educated  people,  sufficiently 
given  to  mental  pursuits,  and  in  every  way  what  a 
pair  of  polite  lovers  ought  to  be.  The  all-important 
conversation  passed  in  this  wise.  The  site  of  the 
passionate  scene  was  the  sea-shore,  on  which  they 
were  walking,  in  autumn. 

"  Gentleman. — '  Well,  miss,  the  long  and  the  short 
of  it  is  this :  here  I  am ;  you  can  take  me  or  leave 
me.' 

"  Lady  (scratching  a  gutter  on  the  sand  with  her 
parasol,  so  as  to  allow  a  little  salt  water  to  run  out 
of  one  hole  into  another). — '  Of  course  I  know  that's 
all  nonsense.' 

"  Gentleman. — *  Nonsense  !  By  Jove,  it  isn't  non- 
sense at  all !  Come,  Jane,  here  I  am  ;  come,  at  any 
rate  you  can  say  something.' 

"  Lady. — '  Yes,  I  suppose  I  can  say  something.' 

"  Gentleman. — '  Well,  which  is  it  to  be — take  me 
or  leave  me  ?' 

"Lady  (very  slowly,  and  with  a  voice  perhaps 
hardly  articulate,  carrying  on,  at  the  same  time,  her 
engineering  works  on  a  wider  scale). — '  Well,  I  don't 
exactly  want  to  leave  you.' 

"And  so  the  matter  was  settled — settled  with 
much  propriety  and  satisfaction ;  and  both  the  lady 
and  gentleman  would  have  thought,  had  they  ever 
thought  about  the  matter  at  all,  that  this,  the 
sweetest  moment  of  their  lives,  had  been  graced  by 
all  the  poetry  by  which  such  moments  ought  to  be 
hallowed." 


132  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

In  novels  of  the  old  school  the  lover  used  to  get 
down  upon  his  knees.  He  is  excused  from  doing 
that  nowadays.  Whatever  his  words  or  his  posi- 
tion, let  him  evince  a  sincere  and  unselfish  affection 
for  the  beloved,  and  try  not  only  to  act,  but  to  feel, 
that  her  happiness  must  be  considered  before  his 
own.  With  that  view  of  the  matter,  how  inconsid- 
erate to  press  an  unwelcome  suit  upon  a  young  lady ! 
If  she  has  no  affection  for  him,  and  does  not  con- 
ceive it  possible  ever  to  entertain  any,  it  is  a  cruel 
thing  to  urge  her  to  give  her  person  without  her 
love.  The  eager  lover  may  believe  for  the  time 
being  that  such  possession  would  satisfy  him,  but 
the  day  would  surely  come  when  he  would  reproach 
his  wife  that  she  had  nq  love  for  him,  and  he  would 
possibly  make  that  an  excuse  for  all  manner  of  un- 
kindnesses. 

A  LADY'S  "No." 

It  is  not  always  necessary  to  take  a  lady's  first 
"  no  "  as  absolute.  Diffidence  or  uncertainty  as  to 
her  own  feelings  may  sometimes  influence  a  lady  to 
reply  in  the  negative,  and  after-consideration  cause 
her  to  regret  that  reply. 

Though  a  gentleman  may  repeat  his  suit  with  pro- 
priety after  having  been  once  repulsed,  still  it  should 
not  be  repeated  too  often  or  too  long,  lest  it  should 
degenerate  into  importuning.  If  a  lady  really  has 
no  love  to  give,  in  that  case  she  will  soon  learn  to 
despise  the  importunate  suitor,  and  he  thus  loses  the 
possibility  of  retaining  her  friendship. 


ETIQUETTE    OF  COURTSHIP.  133 

No  lady  worthy  any  gentleman's  regard  will  say 
"  no"  twice  to  a  suit  which  she  intends  ultimately  to 
receive  with  favor.  If  she  is  in  any  doubt  about  her 
own  mind,  she  will  at  least  temper  the  second  "  no" 
with  an  intimation  that  if  time  was  granted  her  for 
consideration  she  might  possibly  change  her  mind, 
or  she  will  ask  for  time  for  consideration  before  a 
final  answer  is  given.  A  lady  should  always  be  al- 
lowed all  the  time  she  requires  before  making  up  her 
mind ;  and  if  the  gentleman  grows  impatient  of  the 
delay,  he  is  always  at  liberty  to  insist  on  an  imme- 
diate answer  and  abide  by  the  consequences  of  his 
impatience. 

A  lady  who  really  means  "  no"  should  be  able  to  so 
say  it  as  to  make  her  meaning  unmistakable.  For  her 
own  sake  and  that  of  her  suitor,  if  she  really  desires 
the  suit  ended,  her  denial  should  be  positive  and  of 
a  character  to  let  no  doubt  remain  of  its  being  final. 
And  this  can  be  done  in  so  kind  and  dignified  a  man- 
ner that  she  will  retain  her  lover  as  her  friend  if  his 
friendship  is  worth  having. 

A  man  should  never  make  a  declaration  in  a  jest- 
ing manner.  It  is  most  unfair  to  the  lady.  He  has 
no  right  to  trifle  with  her  feelings  for  mere  sport,  nor 
has  he  a  right  to  hide  his  own  meaning  under  the 
guise  of  jest.  The  chances  are  that  he  will  be  an- 
swered after  the  same  manner  in  which  he  speaks. 
If  the  lady  be  designing  or  malicious,  she  may 
accept  his  intended  jest  in  serious  earnest,  and 
thereby  g'Ve  him  much  trouble;  or  if  she  be  of 


134  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

delicate  sensibilities,  she  may  accept  his  apparent 
jest  as  an  actual  one,  and  he  may  lose  his  suit  ac- 
cordingly. 

Nothing  can  be  more  unfair  or  more  unjustifiable 
than  a  doubtful  answer  given  under  the  plea  of 
sparing  the  suitor's  feelings.  It  raises  false  hopes. 
It  renders  a  man  restless  and  unsettled.  It  may 
cause  him  to  express  himself  or  to  shape  his  con- 
duct in  such  a  manner  as  he  would  not  dream  of 
doing  were  his  suit  utterly  hopeless. 

As  a  woman  is  not  bound  to  accept  the  first 
offer  that  is  made  to  her,  so  no  sensible  man  will 
think  the  worse  of  her  or  feel  himself  personally 
injured  by  a  refusal.  That  it  will  give  him  pain  is 
most  probable.  If  his  heart  does  not  suffer,  his 
vanity  is  sure  to  do  so.  But  he  is  sure  in  time  to 
appreciate  the  fact  that  his  feelings  were  not  trifled 
with  or  his  position  made  ridiculous,  but  that  his 
advances  were  met  in  the  earnest  and  candid  spirit 
which  had  actuated  him  in  coming  forward. 

Let  young  ladies  always  remember  that,  charm- 
ing and  fascinating  as  they  may  be,  the  man  who 
proposes  to  them  pays  them  a  high  compliment — 
the  highest  in  his  power.  This  merits  appreciation 
and  a  generous  return. 

A  scornful  "  no "  or  a  simpering  promise  to 
"  think  about  it "  is  the  reverse  of  generous. 

In  refusing,  the  lady  ought  to  convey  her  full 
sense  of  the  honor  intended  her,  and  to  add,  seri- 
ously but  not  offensively,  that  it  is  not  in  accord- 


ETIQUETTE    OF  COURTSHIP,  135 

ance  with  her  inclination,  or  that  circumstances 
compel  her  to  give  an  unfavorable  answer. 

It  is  only  the  contemptible  flirt  who  keeps  an 
honorable  man  in  suspense  for  the  purpose  of  glo- 
rifying herself  by  his  attentions  in  the  eyes  of  friends. 
Nor  would  any  but  a  frivolous  or  vicious  girl  boast 
of  the  offer  she  had  received  and  rejected.  Such 
an  offer  is  a  privileged  communication.  The  secret 
of  it  should  be  held  sacred.  No  true  lady  will  ever 
divulge  to  any  one,  unless  it  may  be  to  her  mother, 
the  fact  of  such  an  offer.  It  is  the  severest  breach 
of  honor  to  do  so.  A  lady  who  has  once  been 
guilty  of  boasting  of  an  offer  should  never  have  a 
second-  opportunity  for  boasting. 

No  true-hearted  woman  can  entertain  any  other 
feeling  than  that  of  commiseration  for  the  man  over 
whose  happiness  she  has  been  compelled  to  throw  a 
cloud,  while  the  idea  of  triumphing  in  his  distress 
or  abusing  his  confidence  must  be  inexpressibly 
painful  to  her. 

THE  REJECTED  SUITOR. 

The  duty  of  the  rejected  suitor  is  quite  clear. 
Etiquette  demands  that  he  shall  accept  the  lady's 
decision  as  final  and  retire  from  the  field.  He  has 
no  right  to  demand  the  reason  of  her  refusal.  If  she 
assign  it,  he  is  bound  to  respect  her  secret,  if  it  is 
one,  and  to  hold  it  inviolable. 

To  persist  in  urging  his  suit  or  to  follow  up  the 
lady  with  marked  attentions  would  be  in  the  worst 


136  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

possible  taste  The  proper  course  is  to  withdraw  as 
much  as  possible  from  the  circles  in  which  she 
moves,  so  that  she  may  be  spared  reminiscences 
which  cannot  be  other  than  painful. 

Rejected  suitors  sometimes  act  as  if  they  had  re- 
ceived injuries  they  were  bound  to  avenge,  and  so 
take  every  opportunity  of  annoying  or  slighting  the 
helpless  victims  of  their  former  attentions.  Such 
conduct  is  cowardly  and  unmanly,  to  say  nothing  of 
its  utter  violation  of  good  breeding. 

"ASKING  PAPA." 

When  a  gentleman  is  accepted  by  the  lady  of  his 
choice,  the  next  thing  in  order  is  to  go  at  once  to  her 
parents  for  their  approval.  In  presenting  his  suit  to 
them  he  should  remember  that  it  is  not  from  the 
sentimental"  but  the  practical  side  that  they  will  re- 
gard the  affair.  Therefore,  after  describing  the  state 
of  his  affections  in  as  calm  a  manner  as  possible, 
and  perhaps  hinting  that  their  daughter  is  not  indif- 
ferent to  him,  let  him  at  once  frankly,  without  wait- 
ing to  be  questioned,  give  an  account  of  his  pecuni- 
ary resources  and  his  general  prospects  in  life,  in 
order  that  the  parents  may  judge  whether  he  can 
properly  provide  for  a  wife  and  possible  family.  A 
pertinent  anecdote  was  recently  going  the  rounds  of 
the  newspapers.  A  father  asked  a  young  man  who 
had  applied  to  him  for  his  daughter's  hand  how 
much  property  he  had.  "  None,"  he  replied,  but  he 
was  "chock  full  of  days'  work."  The  anecdote 


ETIQUETTE    OF  COURTSHIP. 

concluded  by  saying  that  he  got  the  girl.  And  we 
believe  all  sensible  fathers  would  sooner  bestow 
their  daughters  upon  industrious,  energetic  young 
men  who  are  not  afraid  of  days'  work  than  upon 
idle  loungers  with  a  fortune  at  their  command. 

AN  ENGAGEMENT  RING. 

After  the  engagement  is  made  between  the  couple 
and  ratified  by  the  parents,  it  is  customary  in  polite 
society  for  the  young  man  to  affix  the  seal  of  this 
engagement  by  some  present  to  his  affianced.  This 
present  is  usually  a  ring,  and  among  the  wealthy  it 
may  be  of  diamonds — a  solitaire  or  cluster — and  as 
expensive  as  the  young  man's  means  will  justify. 
The  ring  is  not  necessarily  a  diamond  one;  it  may  be 
of  other  stones  or  it  may  be  an  heirloom  in  his  fam- 
ily, precious  more  because  of  its  associations,  an- 
tiquity and  quaintness  than  from  its  actual  money- 
value. 

All  lovers  cannot  afford  to  present  their  lady-loves 
with  diamond  rings,  but  all  are  able  to  give  them 
some  little  token  of  their  regard  which  will  be  cher- 
ished for  their  sakes,  and  which  will  serve  as  a 
memento  of  a  very  happy  past  to  the  end  of  life. 
The  engagement  ring  should  be  worn  upon  the  ring 
finger  of  the  right  hand. 

CONDUCT  OF  THE  FIANCE. 

The  conduct  of  the  fiance  should  be  tender,  assid- 
uous and  unobtrusive.  If  he  is  a  man  of  tact  he 


138  OUR   BEHAVIOR. 

will  pay  especial  attention  to  his  future  mother  in- 
law ;  he  will  be  kind  and  polite  to  the  sisters  of  his 
betrothed  and  friendly  with  her  brothers.  Yet  he 
must  not  be  in  any  way  unduly  familiar  or  force  him- 
self into  family  confidences  on  the  ground  that  he  is 
to  be  regarded  as  a  member  of  the  family.  Let  the 
advances  come  rather  from  them  to  him,  and  let  him 
show  a  due  appreciation  of  any  confidences  which 
they  may  be  pleased  to  bestow  upon  him. 

THE  FAMILY  OF  THE  YOUNG  MAN. 
The  engagement  becoming  a  settled  thing,  the 
family  of  the  young  man  should  make  the  first 
advances  toward  an  acquaintance  with  his  future 
wife.  They  should  call  upon  her  or  write  to  her, 
and  they  may  with  perfect  propriety  invite  her  to 
visit  them  in  order  that  they  may  become  acquainted 

THE  POSITION  OF  AN  ENGAGED  WOMAN. 

An  engaged  woman  should  eschew  all  flirtations, 
though  it  does  not  follow  that  she  is  to  cut  herself 
off  from  all  association  with  the  other  sex  because 
she  has  chosen  her  future  husband.  She  may  still 
have  friends  and  acquaintances,  she  may  still  receive 
visits  and  calls,  but  she  must  try  to  conduct  herself 
in  such  a  manner  as  to  give  no  offence. 

POSITION  OF  AN  ENGAGED  MAN. 
The  same  rules  may  be  laid  down  in  regard  to  the 
other  party  to  the  contract,  only  that  he  pays  visits 


ETIQUETTE    OF  COURTSHIP.  139 

instead  of  receiving  them.  Neither  should  assume 
a  masterful  or  jealous  attitude  toward  the  other. 
They  are  neither  of  them  to  be  shut  up  away  from 
the  rest  of  the  world,  but  must  mingle  in  society 
after  marriage  nearly  the  same  as  before,  and  take 
the  same  delight  in  friendship.  The  fact  that  they 
have  confessed  their  love  to  each  other  ought  to  be 
deemed  a  sufficient  guarantee  of  faithfulness ;  for  the 
rest  let  there  be  trust  and  confidence. 

THE  RELATIONS  OF  AN  ENGAGED  COUPLE. 

Nevertheless,  a  young  man  has  no  right  to  put  a 
slight  upon  his  future  bride  by  appearing  in  public 
with  other  ladies  while  she  remains  neglected  at 
home.  He  is  in  future  her  legitimate  escort.  He 
should  attend  no  other  lady  when  she  needs  his 
services ;  she  should  accept  no  other  escort  when  he 
is  at  liberty  to  attend  her. 

It  may  be  well  to  hint  that  a  lady  should  not  be 
too  demonstrative  of  her  affection  during  the  days 
of  her  engagement.  There  is  always  the  chance  of 
a  slip  'twixt  the  cup  and  the  lip ;  and  overt  demon- 
strations of  love  are  not  pleasant  to  remember  by  a 
young  lady  if  the  man  to  whom  they  are  given  by 
any  chance  fails  to  become  her  husband. 

An  honorable  man  will  never  tempt  his  future 
bride  to  any  such  demonstration.  He  will  always 
maintain  a  respectful  and  decorous  demeanor  toward 
her. 

Among  certain  classes  of  society  it  is  quite  com- 


I4O  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

mon  to  allow  peculiar  latitude  to  an  engaged  couple. 
It  is  not  many  years  since  in  the  heart  of  Pennsyl- 
vania "bundling"  was  permitted.  What  "bundling" 
was  it  is  not  here  necessary  to  describe.  In  the 
lower  classes  in  New  Jersey,  and  no  doubt  in  many 
other  localities,  the  young  man  who  is  paying  his 
suit  to  a  girl  expects  to  be  allowed  to  remain  with 
her  in  a  dimly-lighted  or  perhaps  completely  dark- 
ened room  till  nearly  or  quite  daylight.  In  some- 
what more  civilized  society  it  is  thought  perfectly 
proper  for  love-making  to  encroach  somewhat  upon 
the  small  hours,  and  even  among  people  of  culture 
and  refinement  it  is  considered  necessary  to  leave 
the  young  courting  or  engaged  couple  entirely  by 
themselves  during  the  whole  evening. 

This  is  all  a  relic  of  the  grossest  barbarism.  No 
young  man  who  would  shrink  from  being  guilty  of 
a  great  impropriety,  and  who  would  not  risk  sinking 
in  the  esteem  of  his  beloved  and  her  friends,  should 
ever  prolong  his  visits  beyond  ten  o'clock,  unless  it 
be  the  common  custom  of  the  family  to  remain  up 
and  to  entertain  visitors  to  a  later  hour,  and  the  visit 
paid  is  a  family  one  and  not  a  tete-a-tete.  Two  hours 
is  quite  long  enough  for  a  call ;  and  the  young  man 
will  give  evidence  of  his  affection  no  less  than  his 
consideration  by  making  his  visits  short,  and  if  need 
be  making  them  often,  rather  than  by  prolonging 
them  to  unreasonable  hours. 

Very  few  young  men  comprehend  the  real  pain 
and  inconvenience  they  occasion  to  the  lady  of  their 


ETIQUETTE   OF  COURTSHIP.  141 

choice  when  they  keep  her  up  to  untoward  hours, 
and  subject  her,  in  consequence,  to  the  ridicule 
and  censure  of  others. 

It  is  not  inappropriate  to  sometimes  leave  an  en- 
gaged couple  by  themselves,  but  that  they  should 
always  be  so  left,  under  all  circumstances  and  no 
matter  at  what  inconvenience  to  others,  is  as  absurd 
as  it  is  indelicate. 

PRESENTS  AFTER  ENGAGEMENT. 

If  the  gentleman  has  means  and  the  lady's  parents 
do  not  object,  he  may  with  propriety  make  presents 
to  his  affianced.  If  there  are  any  scruples  on  this 
point,  he  can  at  least  present  her  flowers,  music 
and  periodicals  or  books,  to  which  no  one  will  take 
exception. 

LOVERS'  QUARRELS. 

Neither  party  should  ever  try  to  make  the  other 
jealous  for  the  purpose  of  testing  his  or  her  affec- 
tion. Such  a  course  is  contemptible ;  and  if  the  af- 
fections of  the  other  are  permanently  lost  by  it,  the 
offending  party  is  only  gaining  his  or  her  just  deserts. 
Neither  should  there  be  provocation  to  little  quarrels 
for  the  foolish  delight  of  reconciliation. 

No  lover  will  assume  a  domineering  attitude  over 
his  future  wife.  If  he  does  so,  she  will  do  well  to  escape 
from  his  thrall  before  she  becomes  his  wife  in  reality. 
A  domineering  lover  will  be  certain  to  be  still  more 
domineering  as  a  husband;  and  from  all  such  the 
prayer  of  wise  women  is,  "  Good  Lord,  deliver  us !" 


142  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

BREAKING  AN  ENGAGEMENT. 

Sometimes  it  is  necessary  to  break  off  an  engage- 
ment. Many  circumstances  will  justify  this.  Indeed, 
anything  which  may  occur  or  be  discovered  which 
shall  promise  to  render  the  marriage  an  unsuitable 
or  unhappy  one  is  and  should  be  accepted  as 
justification  for  such  a  rupture.  Still,  breaking  an 
engagement  is  always  a  serious  and  distressing 
thing,  and  ought  not  to  be  contemplated  without 
absolute  and  just  reasons. 

Whichever  is  the  acting  party  in  the  matter  must 
necessarily  feel  his  or  her  position  one  of  great  deli- 
cacy and  embarrassment.  The  step  must  be  taken 
firmly  yet  gently,  and  everything  done  to  soften  the 
blow  to  the  other  party. 

It  is  generally  best  to  break  an  engagement  by 
letter.  By  this  means  one  can  express  himself  or 
herself  more  clearly,  and  give  the  true  reasons  for 
his  or  her  course  much  better  than  in  a  personal 
interview.  The  letter  breaking  the  engagement 
should  be  accompanied  by  everything  in  the  way 
of  portraits,  letters  or  gifts  which  has  been  re- 
ceived during  the  engagement. 

Such  a  letter  should  be  acknowledged  in  a  dig- 
nified manner,  and  no  efforts  should  be  made  or 
measures  be  taken  to  change  the  decision  of 
the  writer  unless  it  is  manifest  that  he  or  she  is 
greatly  mistaken  in  his  or  her  premises.  A  simi- 
lar return  of  letters,  portraits  and  gifts  should  be 
made. 


CHAPTER   XII. 

TABLE    ETIQUETTE. 

"DREAKFAST  is  the  least  ceremonious  meal  of 
JLJ  the  day.  In  establishments  where  the  corps 
of  servants  is  sufficiently  large,  so  that  the  arrange- 
ments of  the  day  are  not  disturbed  thereby,  it  is  cus- 
tomary to  let  the  members  of  the  family  break 
their  fast  at  their  own  proper  hour.  The  table  is 
set,  and  each  one  comes  in  without  ceremony  when- 
ever it  pleases  him  or  her  to  do  so.  In  smaller 
households  a  good  deal  of  inconvenience  would 
attend  such  a  course,  and  it  is  well  to  insist  upon 
punctuality  at  a  reasonably  late  hour.  Neverthe- 
less, at  this  first  meal  of  the  day,  even  in  the  most 
orderly  households,  a  certain  amount  of  freedom  is 
allowed  which  would  be  unjustifiable  at  any  other 
time.  The  head  of  the  house  may  read  his  morning 
paper  and  the  other  members  of  the  family  may 
look  over  their  correspondence  in  silence  if  they 
choose.  And  each  may  rise  and  leave  the  table 
when  business  or  pleasure  dictates  without  waiting 
for  a  general  signal. 

THE  BREAKFAST-TABLE. 
The  breakfast-table   should  be  simply  decorated, 

143 


144  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

yet  it  may  be  made  extremely  attractive,  with  its 
snowy  cloth  and  napkins,  its  array  of  glass,  and  its 
ornamentation  of  flowers  and  fruit. 

Queen  Victoria  has  set  the  fashion  of  placing  the 
whole  loaf  of  bread  upon  the  table  with  a  knife  by 
its  side,  leaving  the  bread  to  be  cut  as  it  is  desired. 
However,  the  old  style  of  having  the  bread  already 
cut  when  it  is  placed  upon  the  table  will  still  recom- 
mend itself  to  many.  In  eating,  bread  must  always 
be  broken,  never  cut,  and  certainly  not  bitten. 

Fruit  should  be  served  in  abundance  at  the  break- 
fast-table whenever  and  wherever  practicable.  There 
is  an  old  adage  which  declares  that  "  fruit  is  golden 
in  the  morning,  silver  at  noon  and  leaden  at  night." 

GENERAL  RULES  FOR  BEHAVIOR  AT  TABLE. 

Tea  and  coffee  should  never  be  poured  into  a 
saucer  to  cool. 

If  a  person  wishes  to  be  served  with  more  tea 
or  coffee,  he  should  place  his  spoon  in  the  saucer. 
If  he  has  had  sufficient,  let  it  remain  in  the  cup. 

If  by  chance  anything  unpleasant  is  found  in  the 
food,  such  as  a  hair  in  the  bread  or  a  fly  in  the  cof- 
fee, remove  it  without  remark.  Even  though  your 
own  appetite  be  spoiled,  it  is  well  not  to  prejudice 
others. 

Always  make  use  of  the  butter-knife,  sugar-tongs 
and  salt-spoon,  instead  of  using  your  knife,  spoon  or 
fingers. 

Never,  if  possible,  cough  or  sneeze  at  the  table. 


TABLE  ETIQUETTE.  145 

If  you  feel  the  paroxysm  coming  on,  leave  the  room. 
It  may  be  worth  while  to  know  that  a  sneeze  may 
be  stifled  by  placing  the  finger  firmly  upon  the 
upper  lip. 

At  home  fold  your  napkin  when  you  are  done 
with  it  and  place  it  in  your  ring.  If  you  are  vis- 
iting, leave  your  napkin  unfolded  beside  your  plate. 

Never  hold  your  knife  and  fork  upright  on  each 
side  of  your  plate  while  you  are  talking. 

Do  not  cross  your  knife  and  fork  upon  your  plate 
when  you  have  finished. 

When  you  send  your  plate  to  be  refilled,  place 
your  knife  and  fork  upon  one  side  of  it  or  put  them 
upon  your  piece  of  bread. 

Eat  neither  too  fast  nor  too  slow. 

Never  lean  back  in  your  chair  nor  sit  too  near  or 
too  far  from  the  table. 

Keep  your  elbows  at  your  side,  so  that  you  may 
not  inconvenience  your  neighbors. 

Do  not  find  fault  with  the  food. 

The  old-fashioned  habit  of  abstaining  from  taking 
the  last  piece  upon  the  plate  is  no  longer  observed. 
It  is  to  be  supposed  that  the  vacancy  can  be  supplied 
if  necessary. 

If  a  plate  is  handed  you  at  table,  keep  it  yourself 
instead  of  passing  it  to  a  neighbor.  If  a  dish  is 
passed  to  you,  serve  yourself  first,  and  then  pass 
it  on. 

LUNCHEON. 

Luncheon  has  come  to  be  a  recognized  institution 
10 


146  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

in  our  large  cities,  where  business  forbids  the  heads 
of  families  returning  to  dinner  until  a  late  hour. 
Luncheon  also  serves  as  an  early  dinner  for  chil- 
dren and  servants. 

There  is  much  less  formality  in  the  serving  of 
lunch  than  of  dinner.  Whether  it  consists  of  one  of 
more  courses,  it  is  all  set  upon  the  table  at  once. 
When  only  one  or  two  are  to  lunch,  the  repast  is 
ordinarily  served  upon  a  tray. 

DINNER. 

We  have  already  spoken  at  some  length  of  cere- 
monious dinners,  so  that  all  we  need  treat  of  in  this 
place  is  the  private  family  dinner.  This  should 
always  be  the  social  hour  of  the  day.  Then  parents 
and  children  meet  together,  and  the  meal  should  be 
of  such  length  as  to  allow  of  the  greatest  sociality. 
It  is  an  old  proverb  that  "chatted  food  is  half 
digested." 

It  may  not  be  out  of  place  to  quote  here  an  anec- 
dote from  the  French,  which  no  doubt  many  of  our 
readers  have  seen  before,  but  which  will  illustrate,  in 
most  respects,  the  correct  etiquette  of  the  dining- 
table. 

The  abbe  Casson,  a  professor  in  the  College  Maza- 
rin,  and  an  accomplished  litterateur,  dined  one  day 
at  Versailles  with  the  abbe  de  Radonvilliers,  in  com- 
pany with  several  courtiers  and  marshals  of  France. 
After  dinner,  when  the  talk  ran  upon  the  etiquette 
and  customs  of  the  table,  the  abbe  Casson  boasted 


TABLE  ETIQUETTE.  147 

of  his  intimate  acquaintance  with  the  best  dining-out 
usages  of  society. 

The  abbe  Delille  listened  to  his  account  of  his  own 
good  manners  for  a  while,  but  then  interrupted  him 
and  offered  to  wager  that  at  the  dinner  just  served 
he  had  committed  numberless  errors  or  impropri- 
eties. 

"  How  is  it  possible  !"  demanded  the  abbe.  "  I 
did  exactly  like  the  rest  of  the  company." 

"  Nonsense  !"  exclaimed  the  other.  "  You  did  a 
hundred  things  which  no  one  else  did.  First,  when 
you  sat  down  at  the  table,  what  did  you  do  with 
your  napkin  ?" 

"  My  napkin  ?  Why,  just  what  everybody  else 
did:  I  unfolded  it  and  fastened  it  to  my  button- 
hole." 

"Ah,  my  dear  friend,"  said  Delille,  "you  were 
the  only  one  of  the  party  who  did  that.  No  one 
hangs  his  napkin  up  in  that  style.  They  content 
themselves  with  placing  it  across  their  knees.  And 
what  did  you  do  when  you  were  served  to  soup  ?" 

"  Like  the  others,  surely.  I  took  my  spoon  in  my 
right  hand  and  my  fork  in  the  left — " 

"  Your  fork !  Who  ever  saw  any  one  eat  bread 
out  of  his  soup-plate  with  a  fork  before?  After 
your  soup  what  did  you  eat  ?" 

"A  fresh  egg." 

"And  what  did  you  do  with  the  shell?" 

"  Handed  it  to  the  servant." 

"  Without  breaking  it  ?" 


148  CUR  BEHAVIOR. 

"  Yes,  without  breaking  it  up,  of  course." 

"Ah,  my  dear  abbe,  nobody  ever  eats  an  egg 
without  breaking  the  shell  afterward,"  exclaimed 
Abbe  Delille.  "  And  after  your  egg  ?" 

"  I  asked  the  abbe  Radonvilliers  to  send  me  a 
piece  of  the  hen  near  him." 

"  Bless  my  soul !  a  piece  of  the  hen?  One  should 
never  speak  of  hens  out  of  the  hennery.  You  should 
have  asked  for  a  piece  of  fowl  or  chicken.  But  you 
say  nothing  about  your  manner  of  asking  for  wine." 

"  Like  the  others,  I  asked  for  claret  and  cham- 
pagne." 

"  Let  me  inform  you  that  one  should  always  ask 
for  claret  wine  and  champagne  wine.  But  how  did 
you  eat  your  bread  ?" 

"Surely  I  did  that  properly.  I  cut  it  with  my 
knife  into  small  mouthfuls  and  ate  it  with  my 
fingers." 

"  Bread  should  never  be  cut,  but  always  broken 
with  the  fingers.  But  the  coffee — how  did  you  man- 
age that  ?" 

"  It  was  rather  too  hot,  so  I  poured  a  little  of  it 
into  my  saucer  and  drank  it." 

"Well,  then,  you  committed  the  greatest  error. 
You  should  never  pour  either  coffee  or  tea  into  your 
saucer,  but  always  let  it  cool  and  drink  it  from  the 
cup." 

It  is  unnecessary  to  say  that  the  abbe  was  deeply 
mortified  at  his  evident  ignorance  of  the  usages  of 
polite  society. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 
MISCELLANEOUS  RULES  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

"  T  "\ECORUM,"  says  a  French  writer,  "  is  nothing 
-L^  less  than  the  respect  of  one's  self  and  others 
brought  to  bear  upon  every  circumstance  of  life." 
In  all  our  relations  with  our  fellow-men,  whether 
social  or  domestic,  anything  approaching  coarseness, 
undue  familiarity  or  levity  of  conduct  is  prolific  of 
evil. 

MAKING  AND  RECEIVING  PRESENTS. 

The  proper  giving  and  receiving  of  gifts  may  be 
almost  styled  an  intuition  which  every  one  does  not 
possess.  A  generous  person  may  unwittingly 
wound  where  he  intends  to  confer  nothing  but  grat- 
ification. A  grateful  person  may,  through  want  of 
tact,  seem  almost  to  deprecate  the  liberality  of  the 
giver. 

A  gift  should  always  have  some  other  value  to  the 
receiver  than  its  mere  price.  "  Our  tokens  of  love," 
says  Emerson,  "are,  for  the  most  part,  barbarous, 
cold  and  lifeless  because  they  do  not  represent  our 
life.  The  only  gift  is  a  portion  of  thyself.  There- 
fore let  the/armer  give  his  corn ;  the  miner  a  gem ; 

149 


150  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

the  sailor  coral  and  shells ;  the  painter  his  picture ; 
and  the  poet  his  poem." 

The  rich  should  beware  how  they  give  to  the  poor 
lest  they  hurt  their  pride.  The  poor  should  only 
give  to  the  rich  that  which  their  time,  their  affections 
or  their  talents  have  made  precious. 

A  present  should  never  be  given  with  an  expecta- 
tion of  a  return.  Nor  should  the  recipient  of  a 
present  ever  be  reminded  of  it  by  the  giver. 

In  presenting  a  book  to  a  friend  do  not  write  his 
or  her  name  in  it  unless  requested. 

Neither  over-  nor  undervalue  the  gift  which  you 
are  offering  to  a  friend.  If  it  is  really  valueless,  you 
insult  your  friend  by  presenting  him  with  it. 

Unmarried  ladies  should  not  accept  presents  from 
gentlemen  to  whom  they  are  neither  related  nor  en- 
gaged. A  married  lady  may  occasionally  accept  a 
present  from  a  gentleman  who  is  indebted  to  her  for 
hospitality. 

Presents  made  by  a  married  lady  to  a  gentleman 
should  be  in  the  name  of  both  herself  and  her  hus- 
band. 

Never  refuse  a  gift  if  offered  in  kindliness  unless 
the  circumstances  are  such  that  you  cannot  with  pro- 
priety or  consistency  receive  it.  Neither  in  receiv- 
ing a  present  make  such  comments  as  "  I  am 
ashamed  to  rob  you,"  "  I  am  sure  I  ought  not  to 
take  it,"  which  seem  to  indicate  that  your  friend 
cannot  afford  to  make  the  gift. 

On  the  other  hand,  never  make  a  gift  which  is 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES.  !$! 

really  beyond  or  out  of  proportion  to  your  means.. 
For  you  may  be  sure  the  recipient  is  thinking,  even 
if  he  have  the  good  breeding  to  say  nothing,  that 
you  had  best  have  kept  it  yourself. 

Acknowledge  the  receipt  of  a  present  immedi- 
ately, accompanying  the  acknowledgment  by  sin- 
cere yet  not  too  extravagant  thanks.  If  you  em- 
ploy the  latter,  your  sincerity  may  with  good  reason 
be  doubted. 

Do  not  make  it  a  religious  duty,  so  to  speak,  to 
return  a  present  at  once.  You  are  justified  in  sup- 
posing that  the  gift  has  been  offered  for  the  pur- 
pose of  affording  you  a  pleasure,  not  with  the  ex- 
pectation of  a  return,  like  a  commercial  transaction. 
At  some  future  time  you  can  annul  the  obligation, 
not  regarding  it,  however,  as  an  obligation,  but 
from  a  like  desire  to  give  pleasure  to  your  friend. 

ATTENTION  TO  YOUNG  PEOPLE  IN  SOCIETY. 

In  society  all  should  receive  equal  attention,  the 
young  as  well  as  the  old.  If  we  wish  our  young 
people  to  grow  up  self-possessed  and  at  ease,  we 
must  early  train  them  in  these  graces  by  giving 
them  the  same  attention  and  consideration  we  do 
those  of  maturer  years.  If  we  snub  them  and  sys- 
tematically neglect  them,  they  will  acquire  an  awk- 
wardness and  a  deprecatory  manner  which  it  will 
be  very  difficult  for  them  to  overcome.  We  sin- 
cerely believe  that  that  which  is  considered  the 
natural  gaucherie  of  young  girls  results  more  from 


152  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

the  slights  which  they  are  constantly  receiving,  and 
constantly  expecting  to  receive,  than  from  any  real 
Awkwardness  inherent  in  their  age. 

GOVERNING  OUR  MOODS. 

We  should  subdue  our  gloomy  moods  before  we 
enter  society.  To  look  pleasantly  and  to  speak 
kindly  is  a  duty  we  owe  to  others.  Neither  should 
we  afflict  them  with  any  dismal  account  of  our 
health,  state  of  mind  or  outward  circumstances. 
It  is  presumed  that  each  one  has  trouble  enough 
of  his  own  to  bear  without  being  burdened  with 
the  sorrows  of  others. 

SYMPATHIZING  WITH  OTHERS. 

Nevertheless,  if  another  makes  us  the  confidant 
of  his  woes,  we  should  strive  to  appear  sympa- 
thetic, and  if  possible  help  him  to  be  stronger 
under  them. 

A  COMMENDABLE  HYPOCRISY. 

In  brief,  we  are  called  upon  to  make  such  minor 
sacrifices  of  sincerity  as  a  due  regard  for  the  hap- 
piness and  feelings  of  others  demands.  True  po- 
liteness requires  us  to  consider  these  before  our 
own. 

A  lady  who  shows  by  act  or  expresses  in  plain, 
curt  words  that  the  visit  of  another  is  unwelcome 
may  perhaps  pride  herself  upon  being  no  hypocrite 
But  she  is,  in  reality,  worse.  She  is  grossly  selfish 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES.  153 

Courtesy,  which  is  the  essence  of  unselfishness, 
would  require  her  for  the  time  to  forget  her  own 
feelings  and  remember  those  of  her  visitor,  and 
thus  her  duty  is  plain  to  make  that  visitor  wel- 
come and  happy  while  she  remains.  If  she  really 
does  this — forgets  self  and  thinks  only  of  her  friend 
— there  is  no  hypocrisy,  but  the  highest  order  of 
Christian  charity. 

IMPROPER  ATTITUDES. 

Never  loll,  lounge,  sit  cross-legged  or  sidewise, 
fidget,  yawn,  bite  the  nails,  twirl  the  watch-chain, 
or  be  guilty  of  any  other  like  gaucherie  in  the 
presence  of  others. 

SHYNESS. 

Try  to  conquer  shyness,  so  that  you  shall  neither 
blush  nor  stammer  when  addressed,  but  shall  be 
able  to  reply  plainly  and  straightforwardly,  and  in 
clear  and  correct  language. 

PRECEDENCE  TO  OTHERS. 

Always  give  precedence  to  those  older  or  of 
higher  position  than  yourself  unless  they  request 
you  to  take  the  precedence,  when  it  is  more  polite 
to  obey  than  to  adhere  to  the  strict  rule  of  etiquette, 
since  compliance  with  and  adherence  to  the  wishes 
of  others  display  the  finest  breeding. 

In  matters  of  precedence  be  more  careful  to  give 
others  their  rank  than  to  take  your  own. 


154  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

MODERATION  IN  SPEAKING. 

Always  express  your  own  opinions  with  mod- 
esty, and  if  called  upon  defend  them,  but  without 
that  warmth  which  may  lead  to  hard  feelings.  Do 
not  enter  into  argument.  Having  spoken  your 
mind,  and  thus  shown  you  are  not  cowardly  in 
your  beliefs  or  opinions,  drop  the  subject  and  lead 
to  some  other  topic.  There  is  seldom  any  profit 
in  idle  discussion. 

It  is  a  sign  of  vulgarity  to  use  stronger  expres- 
sions than  the  occasion  justifies,  or  profane  language 
at  any  time. 

BOASTING. 

Never  boast  of  birth,  money  or  friends,  or  of  any 
superior  advantages  which  may  be  yours. 

SALUTATIONS  IN  PUBLIC. 

In  meeting  people  more  than  once  in  a  public 
promenade  it  is  only  necessary  to  salute  them  the 
first  time  in  passing. 

SINGING  AND  PLAYING  IN  SOCIETY. 

A  lady  in  company  should  never  exhibit  any  anx- 
iety to  sing  or  play ;  but  being  requested  to  do  so, 
if  she  intends  to  comply,  she  should  do  so  at  once, 
without  waiting  to  be  urged.  If  she  refuses,  she 
should  do  it  in  a  manner  that  shall  make  her  decis- 
ion final.  Having  complied,  she  should  not  monop- 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES.  155 

olize  the  evening  with  her  performances,  but  make 
way  for  others. 

CARD-PLAYING. 

Never  lose  your  temper  at  cards,  and,  above  all, 
never  be  guilty  of  cheating.  Neither  make  an  accu- 
sation of  cheating  against  another.  If  you  are  con- 
vinced of  the  fact,  keep  it  to  yourself;  but  you  can 
decline  to  play  with  the  same  person  on  another 
occasion. 

WINE-DRINKING. 

It  is  now  entirely  out  of  date  to  ask  another  at 
the  dinner-table  to  drink  wine  with  you.  Each 
drinks  at  his  own  option,  and  as  little  as  he  chooses. 
If  a  person  declines,  he  should  by  no  means  be 
pressed  to  take  more.  If  he  refuses  to  drink  it  alto- 
gether, he  has  a  perfect  right  to  do  so,  and  no  notice 
should  be  taken  of  the  fact. 

SMOKING. 

It  is  neither  polite  nor  respectful  to  smoke  in  the 
presence  of  ladies,  even  though  they  have  given  per- 
mission. In  truth,  a  gentleman  will  never  ask  such 
permission.  Neither  will  he  smoke  in  any  room 
which  ladies  are  in  the  habit  of  frequenting. 

SPITTING. 

Spitting  is  a  filthy  habit,  and  should  never  be  in- 
dulged in  in  public.  As  it  is  the  necessary  accom- 
paniment of  tobacco-chewing,  therefore  it  follows 


156  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

that  such  chewing  is  vulgar  in  the  extrenie — a  habit 
to  be  refrained  from  by  real  gentlemen. 

RIDICULE. 

Never  ridicule  others,  be  the  objects  of  your  ridi- 
cule present  or  absent. 

RELIGIOUS  OPINIONS. 

Always  show  respect  for  the  religious  opinions 
and  observances  of  others,  no  matter  how  much 
they  may  differ  from  your  own. 

READING  IN  COMPANY. 

Never  read  in  company.  It  is  your  duty  to  con- 
tribute to  the  entertainment  of  others,  and  not  to 
slight  their  efforts  to  entertain  you. 

HABITS  TO  BE  AVOIDED. 

It  seems  unnecessary  to  say  that  you  should  never 
scratch  your  head,  pick  your  teeth,  clean  your  nails 
or  pick  your  nose  in  company. 

Never  lean  your  head  against  the  wall,  as  you  may 
disgust  your  wife  or  hostess  by  soiling  the  paper  of^ 
her  room. 

Do  not  finger  the  ornaments  of  a  house  where 
you  are  calling.  These  things  are  to  be  looked  at, 
not  to  be  handled. 

Never  slam  a  door  or  stamp  noisily  on  entering  a 
room. 


MISCELLANEOUS   RULES.  1 57 

ASKING  AND  RECEIVING  A  FAVOR. 
Always  request  a  favor.    Never  issue  a  command, 
even  if  you  have  the  authority  to  compel  the  observ- 
ance of  your  wishes.   Always  recognize  a  favor,  even 
from  an  inferior,  with  courteous  thanks. 

REMOVING  THE  HAT. 

A  gentleman  never  sits  in  the  house  with  his  hat 
on  in  the  presence  of  ladies.  Indeed,  a  gentleman 
instinctively  removes  his  hat  as  soon  as  he  enters  a 
room  the  habitual  resort  of  ladies. 

A  gentleman  never  retains  his  hat  in  a  theatre  or 
other  place  of  public  entertainment. 

A  gentleman  may  keep  his  hat  on  when  handing 
a  lady  to  a  carriage,  certain  rules  of  etiquette  to  the 
contrary  notwithstanding.  Indeed,  for  him  to  do 
otherwise,  and  at  the  same  time  give  proper  assist- 
ance to  the  lady,  he  would  find  it  necessary  to  have 
three  hands. 

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS. 

Refrain  from  absent-mindedness  in  the  presence 
of  others.  You  pay  them  a  poor  compliment  if  you 
thus  forget  them. 

TREATMENT  OF  INFERIORS. 

Never  affect  superiority.  In  the  company  of  an 
inferior  never  let  him  feel  his  inferiority.  If  you 
invite  an  inferior  as  your  guest,  treat  him  with  all 
the  politeness  and  consideration  you  would  show  an 


158  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

equal.    Assumption  of  superiority  is  the  distinguish- 
ing trait  of  a  parvenu. 

PUNCTUALITY. 

Always  be  punctual.  You  have  no  right  to  waste 
the  time  of  others  by  making  them  wait  for  you. 

UNEASINESS. 

Never  be  fidgety.  No  matter  how  time  may  drag 
to  you,  do  not  let  this  be  apparent  to  others  by  any 
visible  sign  of  uneasiness.  Keep  yourself  quiet  and 
composed  under  all  circumstances. 

CONSPICUOUS  BEHAVIOR. 

Never  attract  attention  to  yourself  by  talking  or 
laughing  loudly  in  a  public  place. 

COURTESIES  TO  A  LADY. 

Always  hand  a  chair  for  a  lady,  pick  up  her  hand- 
kerchief or  glove,  and  perform  any  little  service  she 
may  seem  to  require. 

INTRUDING  ON  PRIVACY. 

Never  enter  a  private  room  anywhere  without 
knocking.  Sacredly  respect  the  private  property  of 
others,  and  let  no  curiosity  tempt  you  to  pry  into 
letters,  desks,  packets,  trunks  or  other  belongings  of 
another.  It  is  ill-mannered  to  read  a  written  paper 
lying  upon  a  table  or  desk ;  whatever  it  may  be,  it  is 
certainly  no  business  of  yours. 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES.  1 59 

No  gentleman  or  lady  will  ever  look  over  the 
shoulder  of  another  who  is  reading  or  writing. 

Never  question  a  child  or  servant  upon  family 
affairs. 

Never  betray  an  implied  confidence,  even  if  you 
have  not  been  bound  to  secrecy. 

ADAPTING  YOURSELF  TO  OTHERS. 

Conform  your  conduct  as  far  as  possible  to  the 
company  you  chance  to  be  with,  only  do  not  throw 
yourself  into  improper  company.  It  is  related  of  a 
certain  king  that  he  once  turned  his  tea  into  a  saucer 
and  drank  it  thus  because  two  country  ladies  whom 
he  was  entertaining  did  so.  That  king  compre- 
hended the  true  spirit  of  a  gentleman.  It  is  better 
even  to  laugh  at  and  join  in  with  vulgarity,  so  that 
it  do  not  degenerate  into  indecency,  than  to  set 
yourself  up  as  better  and  better  mannered  than 
those  with  whom  you  may  chance  to  be  associated. 
True  politeness  and  genuine  good  manners  often  not 
only  permit  but  absolutely  demand  a  temporary 
violation  of  the  ordinary  obligations  of  etiquette. 

FORBIDDEN  FAMILIARITIES. 

Never  address  a  mere  acquaintance  by  his  Chris- 
tian name.  He  will  have  reason  to  take  offence  at 
your  presumption.  No  lady  will  speak  of  a  gentle- 
man by  his  surname  without  the  customary  prefix 
of  Mr. 


160  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

RUDENESS  IN  SPEECH. 

Never  answer  another  •  rudely  or  impatiently. 
Reply,  and  reply  courteously,  at  whatever  incon- 
venience to  yourself. 

APOLOGIES. 

Never  refuse  an  apology  for  an  offence,  and  never 
hesitate  to  make  one  if  one  is  due  from  you. 

INTRUSIONS. 

Never  intrude  upon  a  business  man  or  woman  in 
business  hours,  unless  you  yourself  mean  business. 

PRIVACY  IN  COMPANY. 

Never  engage  another  in  private  conversation  in 
the  presence  of  others,  nor  make  mysterious  allu- 
sions which  only  you  and  your  friend  understand. 

SALUTING  A  GENERAL  COMPANY. 

On  entering  a  room  bow  slightly  as  a  general 
salutation  before  speaking  to  each  of  the  persons 
assembled. 

Before  taking  your  place  at  a  table,  say  "  Good- 
morning  "  or  "  Good-evening"  to  those  present, 
especially  to  host  and  hostess. 

MENTIONING  HUSBAND  OR  WIFE. 

Never  speak  of  your  husband  or  wife  by  their 
initial  letter.  Among  very  intimate  friends  it  may 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES.  l6l 

be  allowable  to  mention  them   by  their   Christian 
names,  but  among  strangers  and  mere  acquaintances 

they  should  always  be  referred  to  as  Mr.  or  Mrs. . 

It  is  not  even  allowable  to  mention  them  as  "my 
wife  "  or  "  my  husband." 

NOTICING  DEFORMITIES. 

Do  not  seem  to  notice  by  word  or  glance  the 
deformity  of  another. 

ADMINISTERING  REPROOF. 

To  administer  reproof  to  any  one  in  the  presence 
of  others  is  exceedingly  impolite.  To  scold  at  any 
time  is  unwise. 

ECCENTRICITY. 

Do  not  put  on  a  show  of  eccentricity  for  effect. 
If  you  really  are  eccentric  in  your  character,  you  may 
not  be  able  to  help  it,  but  you  should  do  what  you 
can  to  disguise  the  fact  in  general  society,  unless  the 
very  doing  so  seems  to  bring  out  your  eccentricity 
all  the  more,  as  is  sometimes  the  case. 

CONTRADICTION. 

Never  directly  contradict  any  one.  Say,  "  I  beg 
your  pardon,  but  I  think  you  are  mistaken  or  misin- 
formed," or  some  such  similar  phrase  which  shall 
break  the  weight  of  direct  contradiction.  Where 
the  matter  is  unimportant  it  is  better  to  let  it  pass 
without  correction. 
11 


1 62  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

A  WOMAN'S  GOOD  NAME. 

Let  no  man  speak  a  word  against  a  woman  at 
any  time,  or  mention  a  woman's  name  in  any  com- 
pany where  it  should  not  be  spoken.  A  person  at 
an  English  dinner-party  once  made  an  after-dinner 
speech,  in  which  he  was  loud  in  his  abuse  of  the 
sex.  When  he  had  concluded,  a  gentleman  whose 
indignation  was  aroused  remarked :  "  I  hope  the 
gentleman  refers  to  his  own  mother,  wife  and  sisters, 
and  not  to  ours." 

"  Civility,"  says  Lord  Chesterfield,  "  is  particularly 
due  to  all  women ;  and  remember  that  no  provoca- 
tion whatsoever  can  justify  any  man  in  not  being  civil 
to  every  woman ;  and  the  greatest  man  would  j  ust- 
ly  be  reckoned  a  brute  if  he  were  not  civil  to  the 
meanest  woman.  It  is  due  to  their  sex,  and  is  the 
only  protection  they  have  against  the  superior 
strength  of  ours." 

UNDERTAKING  COMMISSIONS. 

Never  undertake  a  commission  for  a  friend  and 
neglect  to  perform  it. 

PRACTICAL  JOKES. 

Never  play  a  practical  joke  upon  any  one  or 
answer  a  serious  remark  by  a  flippant  one. 

BORROWED  BOOKS. 

Never  lend  a  borrowed  book,  and  never  keep 
such  a  book  one  day  after  you  are  done  with  it. 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES.  163 

IMPROPER  ACTIONS  AND  ATTITUDES. 

Never  pass  between  two  persons  who  are  talking 
together ;  and  never  pass  before  any  one  when  it  is 
possible  to  pass  behind  him.  When  such  an  act  is 
absolutely  necessary,  always  apologize  for  so  doing. 

No  gentleman  will  stand  on  the  hearth  with  his 
back  to  the  fire  in  the  presence  of  others. 

GOOD  MAXIMS. 

Bishop  Beveridge  says,  "  Never  speak  of  a  man's 
virtues  before  his  face  or  his  faults  behind  his  back." 

Another  maxim  is,  "  In  private  watch  your 
thoughts;  in  your  family  watch  your  temper;  in 
society  watch  your  tongue." 

POLITENESS. 

Chesterfield  says  :  "As  learning,  honor  and  virtue 
are  absolutely  necessary  to  gain  you  the  esteem  and 
admiration  of  mankind,  politeness  and  good  breeding 
are  equally  necessary  to  make  you  welcome  and 
agreeable  in  conversation  and  common  life.  Great 
talents,  such  as  honor,  virtue,  learning  and  parts,  are 
above  the  generality  of  the  world,  who  neither  pos- 
sess them  themselves  nor  judge  of  them  rightly  in 
others.  But  all  people  are  judges  of  the  lesser 
talents,  such  as  civility,  affability  and  an  obliging, 
agreeable  address  and  manner,  because  they  feel 
the  good  effects  of  them  as  making  society  easy  and 
pleasing." 


164  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

WASHINGTON'S  MAXIMS. 

Mr.  Sparks  has  given  to  the  public  a  collection 
of  Washington's  directions  as  to  personal  conduct, 
which  he  called  his  "  Rules  of  Civility  and  Decent 
Behavior  in  Company."  We  give  these  rules  entire, 
as  they  cannot  fail  to  both  interest  and  profit  the 
reader : 

1.  Every  action  in  company  ought  to   be  with 
some  sign  of  respect  to  those  present. 

2.  In  the  presence  of  others  sing  not  to  yourself 
with  a  humming  voice,  nor  drum  with  your  fingers 
or  feet. 

3.  Speak   not  when  others  speak,  sit  not  when 
others  stand  and  walk  not  when  others  stop. 

4.  Turn  not  your  back  to  others,  especially  in 
speaking ;  jog  not  the  table  or  desk  on  which  an- 
other reads  or  writes ;  lean  not  on  any  one. 

5.  Be  no  flatterer,  neither  play  with  any  one  that 
delights  not  to  be  played  with. 

6.  Read  no  letters,  books  or  papers  in  company ; 
but  when  there  is  a  necessity  for  doing  it,  you  must 
not  leave.     Come  not  near  the  books  or  writings  of 
any  one  so  as  to  read  them  unasked ;  also  look  not 
nigh  when  another  is  writing  a  letter. 

7.  Let  your  countenance  be  pleasant,  but  in  seri- 
ous matters  somewhat  grave. 

8.  Show  not  yourself  glad  at  the  misfortune  of 
another,  though  he  were  your  enemy. 

9.  They  that  are  in  dignity  or  office  have  in  all 
places  precedency,  but  whilst  they  are  young,  they 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES.  1 6$ 

ought  to  respect  those  that  are  their  equals  in  birth 
or  other  qualities,  though  they  have  no  public 
charge. 

10.  It  is  good  manners  to  prefer  them  to  whom 
we  speak  before  ourselves,  especially  if  they  be  above 
us,  with  whom  in  no  sort  we  ought  to  begin. 

11.  Let  your  discourse  with  men  of  business  be 
short  and  comprehensive. 

12.  In  visiting  the  sick  do  not  presently  play  the 
physician  if  you  be  not  knowing  therein. 

13.  In  writing  or  speaking  give  to  every  person 
his  due  title  according  to  his  degree  and  the  custom 
of  the  place. 

14.  Strive  not  with  your  superiors  in  argument, 
but  always  submit  your  judgment  to  others  with 
modesty. 

15.  Undertake  not  to  teach  your  equal  in  the  art 
he  himself  professes ;  it  savors  of  arrogancy. 

16.  When  a  man  does  all  he  can,  though  it  suc- 
ceeds not  well,  blame  not  him  that  did  it. 

17.  Being  to  advise  or  reprehend  any  one,  con- 
sider whether  it  ought  to  be  in  public  or  in  private, 
presently  or  at  some  other  time,  also  in  what  terms 
to  do  it ;  and  in  reproving  show  no  signs  of  choler 
but  do  it  with  sweetness  and  mildness. 

1 8.  Mock  not  nor  jest  at  anything  of  importance; 
break  no  jests  that  are  sharp  or  biting ;  and  if  you 
deliver    anything   witty   or   pleasant,   abstain   from 
laughing  thereat  yourself 

19.  Wherein  you  reprove  another  be  unblamable 


1 66  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

yourself,  for  example  is  more  prevalent  than  pre- 
cept. 

20.  Use  no  reproachful  language  against  any  one, 
neither  curses  nor  revilings. 

2 1 .  Be  not  hasty  to  believe  flying  reports  to  the 
disparagement  of  any  one. 

22.  In  your  apparel  be  modest,  and  endeavor  to 
accommodate  nature  rather  than  procure  admiration. 
Keep  to  the  fashion  of  your  equals,  such  as  are  civil 
and  orderly  with  respect  to  time  and  place. 

23.  Play  not   the    peacock,   looking   everywhere 
about  you  to  see  if  you  be  well  decked,  if  your 
shoes    fit  well,   if  your    stockings    set   neatly  and 
clothes  handsomely. 

24.  Associate  yourself  with  men  of  good  quality 
if  you  esteem  your  own  reputation,  for  it  is  better 
to  be  alone  than  in  bad  company. 

25.  Let  your  conversation  be  without  malice  or 
envy,  for  it  is  a  sign  of  tractable  and  commendable 
nature ;  and  in  all  causes  of  passion  admit  reason  to 
govern. 

26.  Be  not  immodest  in  urging  your  friend  to  dis- 
cover a  secret. 

27.  Utter  not  base  and  frivolous  things  amongst 
grown  and  learned  men,  nor  very  difficult  questions 
or  subjects  amongst  the  ignorant,  nor  things  hard  to 
be  believed. 

28.  Speak  not  of  doleful  things  in  time  of  mirth 
nor  at  the  table ;  speak  not  of  melancholy  things,  as 
death   and  wounds;  and   if  others   mention  them, 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES.  167 

change,  if  you  can,  the  discourse.     Tell   not  your 
dreams  but  to  your  intimate  friends. 

29.  Break  not  a  jest  when  none  take  pleasure  in 
mirth.     Laugh  not  aloud,  nor  at  all  without  occasion. 
Deride  no  man's  misfortunes,  though  there  seem  to 
be  some  cause. 

30.  Speak  not  injurious  words,  neither  in  jest  nor 
earnest.     Scoff  at   none,  although  they  give   occa- 
sion. 

31.  Be  not  forward,  but  friendly  and   courteous, 
the  first  to  salute,  hear  and  answer,  and  be  not  pen- 
sive when  it  is  time  to  converse. 

32.  Detract  not  from  others,  but  neither  be  exces- 
sive in  commending. 

33.  Go  not  thither  where  you  know  not  whether 
you  shall  be  welcome  or  not.     Give  not  advice  with- 
out being  asked ;  and  when  desired,  do  it  briefly. 

34.  If  two  contend  together,  take  not  the  part  of 
either  unconstrained,  and  be  not  obstinate  in  your 
opinion ;  in  things  indifferent  be  of  the  major  side. 

35.  Reprehend  not  the  imperfection  of  others,  for 
that  belongs  to  parents,  masters  and  superiors. 

36.  Gaze    not    on   the    marks   or  blemishes    of 
others,  and  ask  not  how  they  came.     What  you  may 
speak  in  secret  to   your   friend   deliver   not  before 
others. 

37.  Speak  not  in  an  unknown  tongue  in  company, 
but  in  your   own  language ;    and  that  as  those  of 
quality  do,  and  not  as  the  vulgar.     Sublime  matters 
treat  seriously. 


1 68  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

38.  Think  before  you  speak;  pronounce  not  im- 
perfectly, nor  bring  out  your  words  too  hastily,  but 
orderly  and  distinctly. 

39.  When  another  speaks,  be   attentive  yourself, 
and  disturb  not  the  audience.     If  any  hesitate  in  his 
words,  help  him  not,  nor  prompt  him  without  being 
desired }  interrupt  him  not,  nor  answer  him  till  his 
speech  be  ended. 

40.  Treat  with  men  at  fit  times  about  business,  and 
whisper  not  in  the  company  of  others. 

41.  Make  no  comparisons  ;  and  if  any  of  the  com- 
pany be  commended  for  any  brave  act  of  virtue,  com- 
mend not  another  for  the  same. 

42.  Be  not  apt  to  relate  news  if  you  know  not  the 
truth  thereof.     In  discoursing   of  things   you  have 
heard,  name  not  your  author  always.     A  secret  dis- 
cover not. 

43.  Be  not  curious  to  know  the  affairs  of  others, 
neither  approach  to  those  that  speak  in  private. 

44.  Undertake  not  what  you  cannot  perform  ;  but 
be  careful  to  keep  your  promise. 

45.  When  you  deliver  a  matter,  do  it  without  pas- 
sion and  indiscretion,  however  mean  the  person  may 
be  you  do  it  to. 

46.  When  your  superiors  talk  to  anybody,  hear 
them  ;  neither  speak  nor  laugh. 

47.  In  disputes  be  not  so  desirous  to  overcome 
as  not  to  give   liberty  to   each  one   to  deliver  his 
opinion,  and  submit  to  the  judgment  of  the  major 
part,  especially  if  they  are  judges  of  the  dispute. 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES.  169 

48.  Be  not  tedious  in  discourse,  make  not  many 
digressions,  nor   repeat   often  the   same  matter  of 
discourse. 

49.  Speak  no  evil  of  the  absent,  for  it  is  unjust. 

50.  Be  not  angry  at  table,  whatever  happens  ;  and 
if  you  have  reason  to  be  so  show  it  not ;  put  on  a 
cheerful  countenance,  especially  if  there  be  strangers, 
for  good  humor  makes  one  dish  a  feast. 

51.  Set   not   yourself  at   the    upper   end   of  the 
table;   but   if  it    be    your   due,  or  the  master  of 
the   house  will    have   it  so,  contend   not,  lest  you 
should  trouble  the  company. 

52.  When  you  speak  of  God  or  his  attributes,  let 
it  be  seriously,  in  reverence  and  honor,  and  obey 
your  natural  parents. 

53.  Let  your  recreations  be  manful,  not  sinful. 

54.  Labor  to  keep  alive  in  your  breast  that  little 
spark  of  celestial  fire  called  conscience. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 
ETIQUETTE    OF  CARD-PLAYING. 

NEVER  urge  any  one  who  seems  to  be  unwill- 
ing to  play  a  game  of  cards.     They  may  have 
conscientious  scruples  in  the  matter  which  must  be 
respected. 

REFUSING  TO  PLAY. 

It  is  not  kind,  however,  to  refuse  to  play,  if  con- 
science does  not  dictate  the  refusal,  when  a  game 
cannot  be  made  up  without  you. 

UNDERSTANDING  THE  GAME. 

Do  not  attempt  to  play,  however,  unless  you  know 
the  game  moderately  well,  for  it  is  especially  unjust, 
if  you  have  a  partner,  to  allow  him  or  her  to  suffer 
through  your  ignorance. 

PRECEDENCE  IN  CARDS. 

In  a  game  of  cards  married  and  elderly  people 
take  the  precedence  over  young  and  unmarried 
ones. 

PROPOSING  A  GAME  OF  CARDS. 

It  is  the  privilege  of  the  host  and  hostess  to  sug- 
gest cards  as  a  means  of  amusement  for  their  guests. 

170 


ETIQUETTE    OF  CARD-PLAYING.  I?l 

The  latter  should  never  call  for  them.  On  the  othei 
hand,  cards  should  not  be  brought  out  at  every 
visit,  because  some  might  prefer  conversation  to 
playing. 

It  is  best  in  large  assemblages  to  furnish  the  'cards 
and  tables,  and  allow  the  guests  to  play  or  not  at 
their  option,  now  and  then  exercising  a  little  friendly 
aid  in  seeking  for  people  disposed  to  play  in  making 
up  a  game. 

NEW  CARDS. 
New  cards  should  be  provided  on  every  occasion. 

HUSBAND  AND  WIFE  PLAYING  TOGETHER. 

Husband  and  wife  should  not  play  together  in 
the  same  game,  either  as  partners  or  antagonists, 
for  they  are  so  well  acquainted  with  each  other's 
modes  of  playing  that  they  possess  an  unfair  ad- 
vantage over  others. 

CHEATING  AT  CARDS. 

Never  violate  the  rules  of  a  game,  and  by  all 
means  never  be  guilty  of  cheating.  If,  however,  you 
detect  another  guilty  of  either  of  these  breaches  of 
good  manners,  either  point  out  the  error  or  the  in- 
tentional wrong  in  a  quiet  manner  or  let  it  pass. 

Never  get  excited  or  lose  your  temper.  People 
who  are  liable  to  these  irregularities  had  best  abstain 
from  playing  altogether. 


OUR  BEHAVIOR. 
"WHIST." 

Do  not  keep  up  a  continuous  conversation  during 
a  game,  which  will  distract  your  own  mind  and  that 
of  others  from  the  cards.  Give  your  whole  attention 
to  the  matter  in  hand,  and  procure  at  least  compara- 
tive silence.  "Whist"  is  defined  in  Webster  "a 
game  of  cards  so  called  because  it  requires  silence 
and  close  attention." 

HASTE  IN  PLAYING. 

Never  hurry  any  one  who  is  playing.  It  is  neces- 
sary, in  playing  their  best,  that  they  should  take 
their  own  time  without  interruption. 

BETTING  AT  CARDS. 

Betting  at  cards  is  vulgar  and  something  to  be 
avoided.  The  habits  of  English  society,  however, 
sanction  the  staking  of  small  sums,  but  even  this  is 
to  be  discountenanced  as  far  as  may  be. 

MEDDLING  WITH  THE  CARDS. 

Never  finger  the  cards  whilst  they  are  being  dealt. 
Not  only  do  not  actually  look  at  the  cards  before 
they  are  all  dealt  out,  but  do  not  seem  to  do  so.  Let 
your  cards  lie  before  you  until  all  are  dealt  and  you 
are  at  liberty  to  take  them  in  your  hand. 

CHESS   AND   OTHER    GAMES. 

The  rules  of  etiquette  concerning  cards  apply  with 


ETIQUETTE   OF  CARD-PLAYING.  1 73 

equal  force  to  chess  and  all  other  games  of  skill  or 
chance. 

KNOWLEDGE  OF  CARDS  AND  OTHER  GAMES. 

It  is  desirable,  unless  we  have  religious  scruples 
in  the  matter,  that  we  should  all  have  a  tolerable 
knowledge  of  these  various  games,  in  order  that  we 
may  contribute  to  the  amusement  of  others,  and  not 
run  the  risk  of  being  accused  of  being  selfish  and 
impolite. 
II 


CHAPTER    XV. 

ETIQUETTE   OF  VISITING-CARDS. 

are  certain  special  regulations  concern- 
-L     ing   visiting-cards   which  it  is  desirable   that 
every  one  should  know. 

FASHION  OF  VISITING-CARDS. 

There  is  no  invariable  fashion  as  to  their  size  and 
shape.  At  one  time  they  may  be  long,  narrow, 
small  and  glazed;  at  another  large,  square  and 
unglazed.  But  one  thing  good  breeding  insists 
upon,  and  that  is  that  they  must  always  be  plain. 
There  must  be  no  stamped  ornamentation,  no  device 
or  flourish  of  writing,  and  no  printed  or  engraved 
border.  The  name  in  the  centre,  with  the  residence 
at  the  left-hand  corner,  is  all  that  is  needed. 

There  should  be  no  special  parade  of  titles,  though 
M.  D.  may  follow  a  physician's  name,  and  an  army 
or  navy  officer  may  use  his  title  if  he  chooses. 
Whether  he  uses  or  omits  it,  U.  S.  A.  should  follow 
underneath  the  name,  a  little  to  the  right. 

Cards  should  be  engraved  in  plain  Italian  script, 
not  printed,  and  by  all  means  never  written.  People 

174 


ETIQUETTE    OF   VISITING-CARDS.  1 75 

do  not  care,  as  a  general  thing,  to  collect  the  auto- 
graphs of  ordinary  friends  and  acquaintances. 

No  person  of  taste  will  display  his  or  her  photo- 
graph upon  a  carte  de  visite. 

Black-bordered  cards  are  for  persons  in  mourning. 

In  visiting  a  strange  city  a  person  may  draw  a 
pencil  line  under  his  proper  address  and  add  his 
temporary  address  in  writing  in  the  right-hand 
corner. 

Young  ladies  may  have  cards  separate  from  their 
mother's,  or  have  their  name  added  to  and  under- 
neath their  mother's  on  the  latter's  cards. 

TURNING  DOWN  THE  CORNER  OF  A  CARD. 

Turning  down  the  corner  of  a  visiting-card  indi- 
cates that  the  visit  was  intended  for  two  or  more 
members  of  the  family. 

P.  P.  C. 

P.  P.  C.  \_pour prendre  conge],  written  in  the  right- 
hand  corner,  indicates  a  farewell  visit. 

CARDS  WITH  BOUQUETS. 

Gentlemen  sending  flowers  or  other  presents  to 
ladies  should  always  attach  a  card  bearing  the  lady's 
name,  and  over  it  write  their  own  name,  with  the 
preface,  "  with  compliments  of ." 


176  OUR  BEHAVIOR, 

CHRISTMAS  PRESENTS. 

Christmas  gifts  should  be  marked  with  the  card 
of  the  giver. 

BORROWED  BOOKS. 

Borrowed  books  or  music  when  returned  should 
be  accompanied  with  the  card  of  the  borrower. 

VISITING-CARD  OF  MARRIED  LADY. 

The  visiting-card  of  a  married  lady  usually  gives 
her  husband's  name  with  the  prefix  "  Mrs."  attached. 
Thus :  "  Mrs.  David  Evans,"  instead  of  "  Mrs.  Emma 
G.  Evans,"  though  custom  is  beginning  to  sanction 
the  latter  when  the  lady  has  sufficient  personal  im- 
portance to  be  known  separate  from  her  husband. 
A  lady  in  that  case  frequently  gives  her  maiden 
name  in  full,  thus  :  "  Mrs.  Emma  Gates  Evans." 

A  lady  in  adopting  her  husband's  name  cannot 
use  his  title  also.  Dr.  John  Brown's  wife  is  not 
Mrs.  Dr.  John  Brown,  or  even  Mrs.  John  Brown, 
M.D.,  but  plain  Mrs.  John  Brown.  The  wife  of  a 
Congressman  is  not  a  Mrs.  Hon.  or  an  Hon.  Mrs., 
nor  is  the  wife  of  a  clergyman  a  Mrs.  Rev. 

CARDS  OF  CONGRATULATION  OR  CONDOLENCE. 

A  birth,  marriage  or  death  in  the  family  of  a 
friend  or  acquaintance  calls  for  a  card  within  a 
week. 

ADDRESS  ON  VISITING-CARD. 

A  visiting-card  must  bear  the  place  of  residence, 
and  not  the  business  address. 


ETIQUETTE   OF  VISITING-CARDS. 

Miss,  MRS.  AND  MR. 

Unmarried  ladies  may  prefix  Miss  to  their  names 
or  not,  as  they  choose.  Married  ladies  should 
always  prefix  Mrs.  Gentlemen  may  use  Mr.  or 
omit  it,  at  their  option. 

A  husband's  and  wife's  card  may  be  united  thus : 
"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  George  Nelson." 
U 


PART   II. 

WASHINGTON    ETIQUETTE    AND    ETIQUETTE   OF 
FOREIGN   COURTS. 


CHAPTER   I. 

SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE  AT  WASHINGTON. 

THE  wife  of  the  chief-justice,  and  not  the  wife 
of  the  President,  is  the  first  lady  in  the  land, 
and  takes  precedence  of  all  others.    She  holds  recep- 
tions and  receives  calls,  but  she  alone  is  excluded 
from  all  duty  of  returning  calls. 

The  life  of  a  lady  in  society  at  Washington  is  ex- 
ceedingly onerous,  and  more  especially  so  if  she  be 
the  wife  of  any  official. 

Next  in  rank  comes  the  wife  of  the  President. 

SOCIAL  DUTIES  OF  THE  PRESIDENT. 

It  is  made  the  duty  of  the  President  to  give  sev- 
eral state  dinners  and  official  receptions  during  each 
session  of  Congress.  Besides  these,  there  are  the 
general  receptions,  at  which  time  the  White  House 
is  open  to  the  public  and  every  citizen  of  the  United 

178 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE  AT  WASHINGTON.        1/9 

States  has  a  recognized  right  to  pay  his  respects  to 
the  President. 

PRESIDENTIAL  RECEPTIONS. 

On  the  days  of  the  regular  "  levees  "  the  doors  of 
the  White  House  are  thrown  open,  and  the  world 
is  indiscriminately  invited  to  enter  them. 

No  "  court  "-dress  is  required  to  make  one  pre- 
sentable at  this  republican  court,  but  every  one 
dresses  according  to  his  or  her  own  means,  taste  or 
fancy.  The  fashionable  carriage-  or  walking-dress 
is  seen  side  by  side  with  the  uncouth  homespun  and 
homemade  of  the  backwoodsman  and  his  wife. 

Neither  are  there  any  forms  and  ceremonies  to  be 
complied  with  in  gaining  admittance  to  the  presi- 
dential presence.  You  enter,  an  official  announces 
you,  and  you  proceed  directly  to  the  President 
and  his  lady  and  pay  your  respects.  They  exchange 
a  few  words  with  you,  and  then  you  pass  on,  to  make 
room  for  the  throng  that  is  pressing  behind  you. 
You  loiter  about  the  rooms  for  a  short  time,  chat- 
ting with  acquaintances  or  watching  the  shifting 
panorama  of  faces,  and  then  you  go  quietly  out, 
and  the  levee  is  ended  for  you. 

PRIVATE  CALL  UPON  THE  PRESIDENT. 

If  any  one  wishes  to  make  a  private  call  upon  the 
President,  he  will  find  it  necessary  to  secure  the 
company  and  influence  of  some  official  or  special 
friend  of  the  President.  Otherwise,  though  he  will 


l8o  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

be  readily  admitted  to  the  White  House,  he  will 
probably  fail  in  obtaining  a  personal  interview. 

SOCIAL  DUTIES  OF  CABINET  OFFICERS  AND  THEIR 
FAMILIES. 

The  ladies  of  the  family  of  a  Cabinet  officer  must 
hold  receptions  every  Wednesday  during  the  season 
from  two  or  three  o'clock  to  half-past  five.  On  these 
occasions  the  houses  must  be  open  to  all  who  choose 
to  call.  Refreshments  and  an  extra  number  of  ser- 
vants are  provided.  The  refreshments  for  these  re- 
ceptions may  be  plain,  consisting  of  chocolate,  tea, 
cakes,  etc. 

Every  one  who  has  called  and  left  a  card  at  a 
Wednesday  reception  is  entitled  to  two  acknowledg- 
ments of  the  call.  The  first  must  be  a  returning  of 
the  call  by  the  ladies  of  the  family,  who  at  the  same 
time  leave  the  official  card  of  the  minister.  The 
second  acknowledgment  of  the  call  is  an  invitation 
to  an  evening  reception. 

The  visiting-list  of  the  family  of  a  Cabinet  minis- 
ter cannot  contain  less  than  two  or  three  thousand 
names. 

Cabinet  officers  are  also  expected  to  entertain  at 
dinners  Senators,  Representatives,  justices  of  the 
Supreme  Court,  the  diplomatic  corps,  and  many 
other  public  officers,  with  the  ladies  of  their  families. 

The  season  proper  for  receptions  is  from  the  first 
of  January  to  the  beginning  of  Lent.  The  season 
for  dinners  lasts  until  the  adjournment  of  Congress. 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE  AT  WASHINGTON.       l8l 

The  President  is  not  expected  to  offer  refresh- 
ments to  the  crowds  who  attend  his  receptions. 
The  Vice-president  and  Speaker  of  the  House  are 
also  freed  from  the  expense  of  feeding  the  hungry 
public. 

SOCIAL  DUTIES  OF  CONGRESSMEN  AND  THEIR 
FAMILIES. 

It  is  optional  with  Senators  and  Representatives, 
as  with  all  officers  except  the  President  and  members 
of  the  Cabinet,  whether  they  shall  "  entertain." 

There  is  a  vast  expense  in  all  this,  but  that  is  not 
all.  The  labor  and  fatigue  which  society  imposes 
upon  the  ladies  of  the  family  of  a  Cabinet  officer  are 
fairly  appalling.  To  stand  for  hours  during  recep- 
tions at  her  own  house,  to  stand  at  a  series  of  enter- 
tainments at  the  houses  of  others  whose  invitations 
courtesy  requires  should  be  accepted,  and  to  return 
in  person  all  the  calls  made  upon  her,  are  a  few  of 
the  duties  of  the  wife  of  a  high  official.  It  is  doubt- 
ful if  her  husband,  with  the  cares  of  state,  leads  so 
really  laborious  a  life. 

In  Washington  society  one  end  of  a  card  turned 
down  denotes  a  call  in  person. 


CHAPTER  II. 
FOREIGN  TITLES. 

WE  have  no  titles  in  this  country,  or  rather  we 
have  so  many,  and  they  are  so  indiscriminately 
worn,  that  they  are  wellnigh  worthless.  We  have,  at 
least,  no  orders  of  nobility ;  nevertheless,  as  our  citi- 
zens are  constantly  visiting  foreign  countries,  it  is 
well  to  understand  something  of  titles  and  ranks 
and  their  contingent  orders  of  precedence. 

ROYALTY. 

In  England,  as  is  well  known,  the  king  and  queen 
are  placed  at  the  apex  of  the  social  structure.  The 
mode  by  which  they  are  addressed  is  in  the  form 
"  Your  Majesty." 

The  prince  of  Wales,  the  heir-apparent  to  the 
throne,  stands  second  in  dignity.  The  other  chil- 
dren are  all  known  during  their  minority  as  princes 
and  princesses.  The  eldest  princess  is  called  the 
crown  princess.  Upon  their  majority  the  younger 
sons  have  the  title  of  duke  bestowed  upon  them  and 
the  daughters  retain  that  of  princesses,  adding  to 
that  the  title  of  their  husbands.  They  are  all  desig- 
nated as  "  Their  Royal  Highnesses." 

182 


FOREIGN  TITLES.  183 

NOBILITY. 

A  duke  who  inherits  the  title  from  his  father 
stands  one  grade  below  a  royal  duke.  The  wife  of 
a  duke  is  known  as  a  duchess.  They  are  both  ad- 
dressed as  "  Your  Grace."  The  eldest  son  is  a  mar- 
quis until  he  inherits  the  higher  title  of  his  father. 
His  wife  is  a  marchioness.  The  younger  sons  are 
lords  by  courtesy,  and  the  daughters  are  distin- 
guished by  having  "  Lady  "  prefixed  to  their  Chris- 
tian names. 

Earls  and  barons  are  both  spoken  of  as  lords 
and  their  wives  as  ladies,  though  the  latter  are  by 
right  respectively  countesses  and  baronesses.  The 
daughters  of  the  former  are  "  ladies,"  the  younger 
sons  of  both  "  honorables."  The  earl  occupies  the 
higher  position  of  the  two  in  the  peerage. 

These  complete  the  list  of  nobility,  unless  we  in- 
clude bishops,  who  are  lords  in  right  of  their  eccle- 
siastical office,  but  whose  title  is  not  hereditary. 

All  these  are  entitled  to  seats  in  the  upper  house 
of  Parliament. 

GENTRY. 

Baronets,  who  are  known  as  "  Sir,"  and  whose  wives, 
in  common  with  those  of  a  higher  order,  receive 
the  title  of  lady,  are  only  commoners  of  a  higher 
degree,  though  there  are  families  who  have  borne 
their  title  for  many  successive  generations  who 
would  not  exchange  it  for  a  recently  created 
peerage. 


1 84  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

A  clergyman,  by  right  of  his  calling,  stands  on 
an  equality  with  all  commoners,  a  bishop  with  all 
-eers. 

ESQUIRE. 

The  title  of  esquire,  which  is  brought  into  such 
general  use  in  this  country  that  it  has  come  to 
mean  nothing  whatever  save  an  empty  compliment, 
has  special  significance  in  England.  The  following 
in  that  country  have  a  legal  right  to  the  title : 

The  sons  of  peers,  whether  known  in  common 
conversation  as  lords  or  honorables. 

The  eldest  sons  of  peers'  sons,  and  their  eldest 
sons  in  perpetual  succession. 

All  the  sons  of  baronets. 

The  esquires  of  the  Knights  of  the  Bath. 

Lords  of  manors,  chiefs  of  clans  and  other  tenants 
of  the  crown  in  capite  are  esquires  by  prescription. 

Esquires  created  to  that  rank  by  patent,  and 
their  eldest  sons  in  perpetual  succession. 

Esquires  by  office,  such  as  justices  of  the  peace 
while  on  the  roll,  mayors  of  towns  during  mayor- 
alty and  sheriffs  of  counties  (who  retain  the  title 
for  life). 

Members  of  the  House  of  Commons. 

Barristers-at-law. 

Bachelors  of  divinity,  law  and  physic. 

All  who,  in  commissions  signed  by  the  sovereign, 
are  ever  styled  esquires  retain  that  designation  ior 
life. 


FOREIGN  TITLES.  18$ 

IMPERIAL  RANK. 

Emperors  and  empresses  rank  higher  than  kings. 
The  sons  and  daughters  of  the  emperor  of  Austria 
are  called  archdukes  and  archduchesses,  the  names 
being  handed  down  from  the  time  when  the  ruler 
of  that  country  claimed  himself  no  higher  title  than 
that  of  archduke.  The  emperor  of  Russia  is  known 
as  the  czar,  the  name  being  identical  with  the 
Roman  caesar  and  the  German  kaiser.  The  heir- 
apparent  to  the  Russian  throne  is  the  czarowitch. 

EUROPEAN  TITLES. 

Titles  in  continental  Europe  are  so  common  and 
so  frequently  unsustained  by  landed  and  moneyed 
interests  that  they  have  not  that  significance  which 
they  hold  in  England.  A  count  may  be  a  penni- 
less scamp,  depending  upon  the  gambling-table  for 
a  precarious  subsistence,  and  looking  out  for  the 
chance  of  making  a  wealthy  marriage.  It  is  sor- 
rowful and  humiliating  to  know  that  there  are  many 
American  girls  who  are  willing  to  forego  the  right 
of  being  republican  queens  and  to  sell  themselves 
and  their  fortunes  to  a  foreign  adventurer  for  the 
privilege  of  being  known  as  countesses  or  baronesses. 

A  German  baron  may  be  a  good,  substantial,  un- 
pretending man,  something  after  the  manner  of  an 
American  farmer.  A  German  prince  or  duke,  since 
the  absorption  of  the  smaller  principalities  of  Ger- 
many by  Prussia,  may  have  nothing  left  him  but  a 
barren  title  and  a  meagre  rent-roll.  The  Italian 


1 86  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

prince  is  even  of  less  account  than  the  German 
one,  since  his  rent-roll  is  too  frequently  lacking 
altogether,  and  his  only  inheritance  may  be  a  grand 
but  decayed  palace,  without  means  sufficient  to  keep 
it  in  repair  or  furnish  it  properly. 

Yet  not  all  foreign  titles  are  worthless  and  un- 
meaning, nor  are  all  those  bearing  them  swindlers  or 
adventurers.  There  is  only  one  rule  to  guide  a 
stranger  in  these  matters :  let  him  look  to  the  indi- 
vidual direct  and  judge  of  his  character  impartially, 
without  allowing  himself  to  be  dazzled  by  the  glitter 
of  a  fine-sounding  title  and  a  long-descended  coat-of- 
arms.  If  the  title  is  found  to  become  him,  so  much 
the  better. 


CHAPTER  III. 

PRESENTATION  AT  COURT. 

IF  is  frequently  a  satisfaction  to  an  American  to 
be  presented  to  the  queen  during  a  sojourn  in 
England.  It  is  at  least  something  to  talk  about 
when  one  returns  home ;  and  as  the  queen  is  really 
a  good  woman,  worthy  of  all  honor,  we,  even  as  a 
born  republican,  can  find  no  valid  cause  for  objection. 

THOSE  ELIGIBLE  TO  PRESENTATION  AT  COURT. 

The  nobility,  with  their  wives  and  daughters,  are 
eligible  to  presentation  at  court  unless  there  be  some 
grave  moral  objection,  in  which  case,  as  it  has  ever 
been  the  aim  of  the  good  and  virtuous  queen  to 
maintain  a  high  standard  of  morality  within  her 
court,  the  objectionable  parties  are  rigidly  excluded. 

The  clergy,  naval  and  military  officers,  physicians 
and  barristers  and  the  squirearchy,  with  their  wives 
and  daughters,  have  also  a  right  to  pay  their  per- 
sonal respects  to  their  queen. 

THOSE  NOT  ELIGIBLE. 

Those  of  more  democratic  professions,  such  as 
solicitors,  merchants  and  mechanics,  have  not,  as  a 

187 


188  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

rule,  that  right,  though  wealth  and  connexion  have 
recently  proved  an  open  sesame  at  the  gates  of  St. 
James. 

THOSE  WHO  MAY  PRESENT  OTHERS. 

Any  person  who  has  been  presented  at  court  may 
present  a  friend  in  his  or  her  turn.  A  person  wish- 
ing to  be  presented  must  beg  the  favor  from  the 
friend  or  relative  of  the  highest  rank  he  or  she  may 
possess. 

PRELIMINARIES  TO  PRESENTATION. 

Any  nobleman  or  gentleman  who  proposes  to 
be  presented  to  the  queen  must  leave  at  the  lord 
chamberlain's  office  before  twelve  o'clock,  two  days 
before  the  levee,  a  card  with  his  name  written  there- 
on, and  with  the  name  of  the  nobleman  or  gentle- 
man by  whom  he  is  to  be  presented.  In  order  to 
carry  out  the  existing  regulation  that  no  presenta- 
tion can  be  made  at  a  levee  excepting  by  a  person 
actually  attending  that  levee,  it  is  also  necessary 
that  a  letter  from  the  nobleman  or  gentleman  who  is 
to  make  the  presentation,  stating  it  to  be  his  inten- 
tion to  be  present,  should  accompany  the  presenta- 
tion card  above  referred  to,  which  will  be  submitted 
to  the  queen  for  Her  Majesty's  approbation.  These 
regulations  of  the  lord  chamberlain  must  be  im- 
plicitly obeyed. 

Directions  at  what  gate  to  enter  and  where  the 
carriages  are  to  stop  are  always  printed  in  the  news- 
papers. 


PRESENTATION  AT  COURT.  189 

These  directions  apply  with  equal  force  to  ladies 
and  to  gentlemen. 

PRESENTATION  COSTUME. 

The  person  to  be  presented  must  provide  himself 
or  herself  with  a  court  costume,  which  need  not  be 
particularly  described  here,  but  which  for  men  con- 
sists partly  of  knee-breeches  and  hose,  for  women 
of  an  ample  court  train.  These  costumes  are  indis- 
pensable, and  can  be  hired  for  the  occasion. 

THE  PRESENTATION. 

It  is  desirable  to  be  early  to  escape  the  crowd. 
When  the  lady  leaves  her  carriage,  she  must  leave 
everything  in  the  shape  of  a  cloak  or  scarf  behind 
her.  Her  train  must  be  carefully  folded  over  her 
left  arm  as  she  enters  the  long  gallery  of  St.  James, 
where  she  awaits  her  turn  for  presentation. 

The  lady  is  at  length  ushered  into  the  presence- 
chamber,  which  is  entered  by  two  doors.  She  goes 
in  at  the  one  indicated  to  her,  dropping  her  train  as 
she  passes  the  threshold,  which  train  is  instantly 
spread  out  by  the  wands  of  the  lords-in-waiting. 
The  lady  then  walks  forward  toward  the  sovereign 
or  the  person  who  represents  the  sovereign.  The 
card  on  which  her  name  is  inscribed  is  then  handed 
to  another  lord-in-waiting,  who  reads  the  name 
aloud. 

When  she  arrives  just  before  His  or  Her  Majesty, 


I  OX)  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

she   should   curtsey  as   low  as   possible,  so   as   to 
almost  kneel. 

If  the  lady  presented  be  a  peeress  or  peer's  daugh- 
ter, the  queen  kisses  her  on  her  forehead.  If  only  a 
commoner,  then  the  queen  extends  her  hand  to  be 
kissed  by  the  lady  presented,  who,  having  done  so, 
rises,  curtseys  to  each  of  the  other  members  of  the 
royal  family  present,  and  then  passes  on.  She  must 
keep  her  face  turned  toward  the  sovereign  as  she 
goes  to  and  through  the  door  leading  from  the  pres- 
ence-chamber. Considerable  dexterity  is  required 
in  managing  the  train  in  this  backward  transit,  and 
it  is  well  to  rehearse  the  scene  beforehand. 

RIGHTS  OF  PEERS  AND  PEERESSES. 

Peeresses  in  their  own  right,  as  well  as  peers,  may 
demand  a  private  audience  of  their  sovereign. 


PART  III. 

ETIQUETTE   OF  SPECIAL  CEREMONIALS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

WEDDING  ETIQUETTE. 

FIRST  in  importance  among  special  ceremonials 
comes  the  wedding.  It  is  the  culminating  point 
of  happiness  in  life,  to  which  all  before  it  tends,  from 
which  all  afterward  recedes. 

So  varied  are  the  circumstances  under  which 
weddings  take  place  and  so  numerous  are  the  relig- 
ious forms  observed  in  their  solemnization  that  it  is 
impossible  to  lay  down  strict  rules  applicable  to  all 
cases. 

Therefore  it  is  expedient  to  describe  that  form  of 
marriage  which  recognizes  the  fullest  forms  and  the 
greatest  number  of  attendant  ceremonials,  and  all 
others  can  be  modeled  more  or  less  after  it,  as  the 
needs  of  the  occasion  require. 

FIXING  THE  DAY. 
It  is  the  lady's  privilege  to  fix  the  wedding-day. 

191 


192  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

MARRIAGE  SETTLEMENTS. 

Next  in  order  come  the  pecuniary  arrangements 
incident  to  a  marriage  when  either  or  both  of  the 
parties  possess  wealth.  In  England  the  laws  con- 
cerning the  property  of  married  women  are  far  more 
unjust  than  those  of  this  country;  therefore  in  that 
country  a  settlement  upon  the  bride  is  the  only 
means  by  which  to  secure  her  a  future  free  from 
want  in  case  of  widowhood.  Even  here  it  seems 
desirable  that  there  should  always  be  some  special 
arrangement  to  secure  certain  and  impartial  justice 
to  the  wife,  as  the  laws  cannot  be  implicitly  trusted. 
An  English  authority  gives  some  excellent  advice 
on  this  point  which  is  equally  applicable  here.  He 
says :  "  During  the  arrangement  of  pecuniary  mat- 
ters a  young  lady  should  endeavor  to  understand 
what  is  going  on,  receiving  it  in  a  right  spirit.  If 
she  has  a  fortune,  she  should  in  all  points  left  to  her 
be  generous  and  confiding,  at  the  same  time  prudent. 
Many  a  man,  she  should  remember,  may  abound  in 
excellent  qualities  and  yet  be  improvident.  He  may 
mean  to  do  well,  yet  have  a  passion  for  building ;  he 
may  be  the  very  soul  of  good  nature,  yet  fond  of  the 
gaming-table;  he  may  have  no  wrong  propensities 
of  that  sort,  and  yet  have  a  confused  notion  of 
accounts  and  be  one  of  those  men  who  muddle 
away  a  great  deal  of  money  no  one  knows  how ;  or 
he  may  be  a  too  strict  economist,  a  man  who  takes 
too  good  care  of  the  pence,  till  he  tries  your  very 


WEDDING  ETIQUETTE.  193 

life  out  about  an  extra  queen's  head ;  or  he  may  be 
facile  and  weakly  good-natured,  and  have  a  friend 
who  preys  on  him  and  for  whom  he  is  disposed  to 
become  security.  Finally,  the  beloved  Charles 
Henry  or  Reginald  may  have  none  of  these  propen- 
sities, but  may  chance  to  be  an  honest  merchant  or 
a  tradesman  with  all  his  floating  capital  in  business, 
and  a  consequent  risk  of  being  one  day  rich,  the 
next  pauper. 

"  Upon  every  account,  therefore,  it  is  desirable  for 
a  young  lady  to  have  a  settlement  on  her,  and  she 
should  not,  from  a  weak  spirit  of  romance,  oppose 
her  friends  who  advise  it,  since  it  is  for  her  hus- 
band's advantage  as  well  as  her  own.  By  making 
a  settlement  there  is  always  a  fund  which  cannot 
be  touched — a  something,  however  small,  as  a  pro- 
vision for  a  wife  and  children;  and  whether  she 
have  fortune  or  not,  this  ought  to  be  made.  An 
allowance  for  dress  should  also  be  arranged,  and 
this  should  be  administered  in  such  a  way  that  a 
wife  should  not  have  to  ask  for  it  at  inconvenient 
hours,  and  thus  irritate  her  husband." 

THE  TROUSSEAU. 

The  trousseau  is  an  important  consideration  to 
the  bride-elect.  It  consists  of  a  complete  stock  of 
apparel  sufficient  to  last  her  during  the  first  few  years 
of  her  married  life. 

It  seems  unfortunate  that  the  weeks  preceding 
the  great  event  of  a  woman's  life  should  be  so 

13 


194  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

filled  with  care,  hurry  and  worry.  It  would  almost 
be  better  to  do  without  the  trousseau  entirely  and 
allow  the  lady  to  be  married  with  her  ordinary 
belongings,  which  are  always  supposed  to  be  suffi- 
cient for  immediate  needs,  than  to  have  these  weeks, 
which  should  be  spent  in  calm  and  quiet,  so  dis- 
turbed. It  is  hoped  that  sensible  people  will  give 
their  attention  to  this  matter,  and  by  good  exam- 
ple serve  to  repeal  the  iron  law  of  custom. 

BRIDAL  PRESENTS. 

Bridal  presents  are  sent  from  two  weeks  to  a 
week  previous  to  the  day  of  the  marriage  cere- 
mony. They  are  always  sent  to  the  bride,  and  are 
most  commonly  some  article  of  jewelry  or  plate, 
though  there  is  no  law  in  regard  to  this  matter. 
Handsome  shawls,  delicate  laces,  and  even  checks, 
may  be  included.  It  is  considered  in  a  measure 
obligatory  upon  all  relatives  and  immediate  friends 
of  the  happy  pair  to  remember  them  on  this  occa- 
sion, also  upon  all  those  who  have  already  been  re- 
membered by  them  in  like  manner. 

This  is  an  onerous  tax  upon  society ;  and  it  is  to 
be  hoped  that  the  better  sense  of  community  will 
yet  prevail,  and  wedding  presents  be  recognized 
as  spontaneous  rather  than  obligatory  gifts.  The 
surest  way  to  accomplish  this  would  be  to  receive 
the  gifts  privately  and  refuse  to  put  them  upon  exhi- 
bition. 


WEDDING  ETIQUETTE.  1 95 

However,  as  custom  now  is,  the  presents  are  ar- 
ranged in  an  apartment  for  display  before  the  wed- 
ding-guests. 

LAST  VISITS  BEFORE  MARRIAGE. 

When  the  wedding-day  is  near  at  hand,  the  bride 
pays,  in  company  with  her  mother,  her  last  maiden 
visits  to  all  those  acquaintances  whom  she  wishes  to 
retain  after  marriage.  If  the  list  is  too  large  to  pay 
these  visits  personally,  a  card  may  be  made  to  do 
duty  for  a  call,  and  the  letters  P.  P.  C.  (pour  prendre 
conge — to  take  leave)  are  engraved  on  the  right-hand 
corner.  These  visits  should  be  made  before  the  wed- 
ding-cards are  sent  out. 

WEDDING-CARDS. 

It  is  impossible  to  lay  down  any  strict  rule  re- 
garding wedding-cards,  as  the  size  and  shape  of  the 
cards  and  envelope  and  the  forms  of  invitation  are 
constantly  varying. 

In  the  latest  form  of  invitation  we  have  seen  used 
in  the  highest  circles  the  parents  of  the  bride  invited 
the  desired  guest  to  be  present  at  the  ceremony  of 
the  marriage  of  their  daughter,  giving  the  name  of 
the  bridegroom  in  full,  the  name  of  the  church  where 
the  ceremony  was  to  take  place,  the  day  and  hour, 
and  the  name  of  the  clergyman  who  was  to  solemn- 
ize the  marriage. 

The  invitation  may  be  much  briefer  if  desired,  and 
may  read  as  follows : 


196  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

The  Marriage  of 
Mary  Alice  Brown 

to 

William  Henry  Dray  ton 

Will  be  solemnized  at  the 

Church  of  the  Epiphany, 

On  Thursday,  February  first,  at 

Twelve  o*  clock, 

A.  D.  1875. 

The  invitation  is  printed  on  the  finest  English  white 
note  paper. 

WEDDING-RECEPTION  CARD. 

Accompanying  it  is  the  wedding-reception  card 
issued  by  the  parents  of  the  bride,  which  is  in  the 
usual  form  of  ceremonious  invitations,  with  the  ex- 
ception that  "  at  the  wedding-reception  of  their 
daughter "  takes  the  place  of  the  ordinary  phrase 
relating  to  dinner-party  or  soiree.  It  also  gives  the 
hours  during  which  the  reception  is  held. 

In  the  same  envelope  with  the  invitation  and  re- 
ception-card may  be  a  card  announcing  the  recep- 
tion-days of  the  bride  and  bridegroom ;  their  form 
may  be  simply  as  follows  : 

Reception, 

Wednesdays  in  March. 
1756  Arch  Street. 

Usually  accompanying  these  are  smaller  cards  beat  • 
ing  the  names  of  the  bride  and  bridegroom. 


WEDDING  ETIQUETTE.  ig? 

Upon  the  wedding  invitations  may  be  the  letters 
.R.  S.  V.  P.  (repondez  s'il  vous  plait\  signifying  that 
an  answer  is  requested.  In  this  case  a  prompt  an- 
swer, accepting  or  declining  the  invitation,  should  be 
returned. 

Still  another  card — a  card  of  admission  to  the 
church — is  now  found  necessary. 

WEDDING-ENVELOPES. 

The  invitation  and  accompanying  cards  should 
all  be  enclosed  in  an  envelope  of  the  finest  English 
white  paper.  The  monogram,  arms  or  crest  should 
appear  on  the  envelope,  either  embossed  or  in  black 
or  silver.  On  this  envelope  the  name  alone  of  the 
person  to  whom  it  is  sent  should  be  written,  and 
the  envelope  with  its  contents  should  be  enclosed  in 
a  second  envelope,  upon  which  the  name  of  the  per- 
son to  whom  it  is  to  be  sent,  with  the  full  address, 
should  be  written. 

Wedding- invitations  should  be  entrusted  to  the 
post  only  when  it  is  impossible  to  deliver  them  in 
any  other  manner. 

The  parents  of  the  bride  furnish  the  notes  or  cards 
of  invitation  and  their  daughter's  card.  The  gentle- 
man furni.  hes  his  own. 

To  all  whom  it  is  desired  to  retain  as  acquaintances 
after  the  wedding  is  sent  the  card  of  the  bridal  pair, 
thus :  "  Mr.  and  Mrs.  William  Henry  Drayton." 
This  card  may  contain  beneath  the  names  their  place 
of  residence,  if  desired. 


198  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

If  the  newly-married  pair  propose  to  give  a  regu- 
lar reception,  or  if  any  special  day  in  each  week  is 
set  apart  for  reception  of  callers,  the  card  should 
announce  this  fact  by  giving  the  day  or  days  and 
the  hour.  In  the  same  envelope  containing  this 
card  should  be  a  smaller  one,  bearing  the  maiden 
name  of  the  bride. 

These  cards  should  be  enclosed  in  a  handsome 
envelope  bearing  a  silver  monogram. 


BRIDESMAIDS  AND  GROOMSMEN. 

The  bridesmaids  may  be  from  two  to  eight  in 
number.  The  bridegroom  is  attended  by  an  equal 
number  of  groomsmen. 


BRIDAL  BOUQUETS. 

The  bride's  dress  is  always  of  white,  and  her  bou- 
quet should  be  of  exclusively  white  flowers,  such 
as  gardenias,  white  azalias  or  camellias,  intermixed 
with  orange-flowers.  It  is  the  privilege  of  the  "  best 
man  "  to  present  this  to  the  bride. 

It  is  a  delicate  attention  for  the  bridegroom  to 
present  a  bouquet  to  his  future  mother-in-law. 
This  may  be  of  delicately-colored  flowers. 

The  bridesmaids  should  each  be  furnished  with 
bouquets  of  white  and  delicately-tinted  flowers,  pre- 
sented by  the  parents  of  the  bride. 


WEDDING  ETIQUETTE.  1 99 

DRESS  OF  BRIDESMAIDS. 

The  bridesmaids  are  usually  dressed  in  white 
trimmed  with  some  delicate  color.  The  color  of  the 
trimming  should  be  alike  for  all. 

DRESS  OF  BRIDEGROOM. 

The  bridegroom's  dress  should  differ  little  from 
his  full  morning  costume.  Black  or  dark-blue  frock- 
coat,  light  trowsers  and  necktie,  light  or  white  vest 
and  white  gloves,  with  flowers  in  the  buttonhole  of 
his  coat,  is  the  conventional  costume.  The  grooms- 
men are  similarly  dressed. 

AT  THE  CHURCH. 

The  bride  drives  to  the  church  in  the  same  car- 
riage with  her  parents,  and  meets  there  the  bride- 
groom, who  has  arrived  before  her  with  his  friends 
and  relatives,  and  who  assists  her  to  alight. 

The  bridesmaids  and  groomsmen  should  be  already 
waiting. 

The  front  seats  of  the  body  of  the  church  should 
be  reserved  for  the  immediate  friends  of  the  young 
couple. 

The  spectators  should  be  all  assembled  and  the 
clergyman  within  the  rails  when  the  bride  reaches 
the  church. 

The  last  bridesmaid  and  groomsman  walk  up  the 
aisle  first,  followed  by  the  others.  The  bride  then 
enters,  leaning  upon  her  father's  arm,  and  after  her 
the  groom,  escorting  the  bride's  mother. 


200  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

This  order  of  procession  may  be  reversed,  the 
bride  and  groom  entering  first,  either  together  or 
with  the  father  and  mother  of  the  bride. 

ARRANGEMENT  BEFORE  THE  ALTAR. 

The  bride  and  bridegroom  take  their  places  im- 
mediately in  front  of  the  altar,  the  bride  on  the  left 
The  bridesmaids  either  group  themselves  behind  her 
or  stand  on  one  side.  The  groomsmen  maintain  a 
like  relative  position  with  the  bridegroom. 

DUTIES  OF  FIRST  GROOMSMAN. 

To  the  first  groomsman  is  entrusted  all  the  control 
of  affairs.  And  it  is  well  if  he  settle  the  pecuniary 
matters  attendant  upon  the  marriage  with  the  clergy- 
man and  others  before  the  arrival  of  the  bride,  to 
save  confusion  or  inconvenience  afterward.  The 
groomsman  conducts  the  visitors  up  to  the  young 
couple  after  the  ceremonies  to  congratulate  them. 
He  engages  the  carriages  and  makes  all  arrange- 
ments. He  attends  the  bridal  pair  to  the  depot  as 
they  start  on  the  wedding-trip,  secures  their  seats 
purchases  their  tickets  and  checks  their  baggage. 

THE  WEDDING-RING. 

The  wedding-ring  should  be  of  eighteen-karat 
gold,  weighing  not  less  than  eight  pennyweights, 
and  of  the  half  round  pattern.  In  the  inside  should 
be  engraved  the  initials  of  the  bridal  pair,  with  date 
of  their  marriage. 


WEDDING  ETIQUETTE.  2OI 

The  bride  takes  off  the  glove  of  her  left  hand  and 
gives  it  to  the  first  bridesmaid  to  hold  in  order  that 
she  may  have  the  wedding-ring  placed  upon  her 
finger.  The  groom  removes  the  glove  from  his  right 
hand  for  the  purpose  of  bestowing  the  ring. 

AFTER  THE  CEREMONY. 

After  the  ceremony  the  parents  of  the  bride  speak 
to  her  first ;  next  to  them  the  parents  of  the  groom. 

Upon  leaving  the  church  the  newly-married  pair 
take  the  precedence;  after  them  their  immediate 
friends,  and  then  the  company  generally. 

It  is  quite  customary,  after  the  guests  are  all  seated, 
to  pass  a  line  of  white  ribbon  down  before  the  doors 
of  the  pews  in  order  to  prevent  any  confusion  of 
taking  or  leaving  seats  while  the  ceremony  is  in  pro- 
gress. This  ribbon  is  removed  after  the  bridal-party 
has  left  the  church.  Or  the  ribbon  may  be  passed 
across  the  aisles  after  the  invited  guests  have  all  ar- 
rived and  taken  their  seats. 

MARRIAGE-FEES. 

A  rich  man  may  give  to  the  officiating  clergyman 
any  sum  from  five  dollars  to  five  hundred,  according 
as  his  liberality  dictates.  A  person  of  moderate 
means  may  give  from  five  dollars  to  twenty. 

WEDDING-RECEPTION. 

At  the  wedding-reception,  held  at  the  bride's  pa- 
rents, the  guests  offer  their  congratulations.  On 


2O2  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

going  forward  to  congratulate  the  happy  couple  they 
should  address  the  bride  first  if  they  have  had  any 
previous  acquaintance  with  her,  then  the  bride- 
groom, then  the  bridesmaids,  and  after  them  the 
parents  and  family  of  the  bride  and  groom.  If  they 
are  acquainted  with  the  bridegroom  and  not  with  the 
bride,  let  them  address  him  first,  when  he  will  intro- 
duce them  to  his  bride.  They  should  congratulate 
the  bridegroom  and  give  their  good  wishes  to  the 
bride. 

If  there  is  a  breakfast,  dinner  or  supper,  the  bride 
does  not  change  her  dress  until  afterward. 

THE  WEDDING-FEAST. 

The  refreshment- table  is  made  brilliant  with  flowers. 
The  wedding  or  bride's  cake  is  an  important  adjunct 
of  the  feast.  If  there  is  no  regular  breakfast  given, 
cake  and  wine  are  passed  among  the  guests. 

DRESS  AT  A  WEDDING. 

One  should  not  wear  mourning  at  a  wedding. 
Even  when  black  is  habitually  worn,  it  should  give 
place,  for  the  time  being,  to  gray  or  some  neutral 
tint. 

WEDDING- PARTIES. 

If  parties  are  given  to  the  newly-married  couple, 
the  bridesmaids  and  groomsmen  are  also  invited, 
and  all  may,  if  they  choose,  wear  their  wedding- 
dresses. 


WEDDING  ETIQUETTE.  203 

WEDDING-CALLS. 

Wedding-calls  should  be  returned  within  two  or 
three  weeks  by  all  who  have  received  wedding- 
cards. 

WEDDING-PRESENTS. 

It  is  customary  for  the  bride  to  make  her  brides- 
maids a  present  on  the  morning  of  the  marriage.  It 
is  imperative  that  they  shall  make  her  a  bridal-gift 


CHAPTER   II. 

ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS. 

THE  celebration  of  anniversaries  of  the  wedding- 
day  is  a  very  pleasant  custom  which  is  coming 
gradually  into  favor.     Special  anniversaries  are  des- 
ignated by  special  names,  indicative  of  the  presents 
suitable  on  each  occasion. 

THE  PAPER  WEDDING. 

Thus,  the  first  anniversary  is  called  the  paper 
wedding.  The  invitations  to  this  wedding  should 
be  issued  on  a  gray  paper,  representing  thin  card- 
board. 

Presents  from  the  guests  are  appropriate,  but  by 
no  means  obligatory.  These  presents,  if  given,  should 
be  solely  of  articles  made  of  paper.  Thus,  books, 
boxes  of  note-paper  and  envelopes,  sheets  of  music, 
engravings  and  delicate  knickknacks  of  papiet 
mache  will  be  provided  for  this  occasion. 

THE  WOODEN  WEDDING. 

The  wooden  wedding  is  the  fifth  anniversary  of 
the  marriage.  The  invitations  for  this  wedding,  if 
it  is  desired  to  make  them  appropriate  to  the  occa- 

204 


ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS.  2O$ 

sion,  should  be  upon  thin  cards  of  wood.  Or  they 
may  be  written  on  a  sheet  of  wedding  note-paper, 
and  a  card  of  wood  enclosed  in  the  envelope. 

The  presents  suitable  to  this  occasion  are  most 
numerous,  and  may  range  from  a  wooden  paper- 
knife  or  trifling  article  for  kitchen  use  up  to  a  com- 
plete set  of  parlor  or  chamber  furniture. 

THE  TIN  WEDDING. 

The  tenth  anniversary  of  the  marriage  is  called 
the  tin  wedding.  The  invitations  for  this  anniver- 
sary may  be  made  upon  cards  covered  with  tin-foil, 
or  upon  the  ordinary  wedding  note-paper,  with  a  tin 
card  enclosed. 

The  guests,  if  they  desire  to  accompany  their 
congratulations  with  appropriate  presents,  have  the 
whole  list  of  articles  manufactured  by  the  tinner's  art 
from  which  to  select. 


THE  CRYSTAL  WEDDING. 

Next  comes  the  crystal  wedding,  on  the  fifteenth 
anniversary.  Invitations  to  this  wedding  may  be 
on  thin  transparent  paper,  on  colored  sheets  of  pre- 
pared gelatine  or  on  ordinary  wedding  note-paper, 
enclosing  a  sheet  of  mica. 

The  guests  will  make  their  offerings  to  their  host 
and  hostess  of  trifles  of  glass,  which  may  be  more 
or  less  valuable,  as  the  donor  feels  inclined. 


2O6  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

THE  CHINA  WEDDING. 

The  china  wedding  occurs  on  the  twentieth  anni- 
versary of  the  wedding-day.  Invitations  to  this  an- 
niversary wedding  should  be  issued  on  exceedingly 
fine,  semi-transparent  note-paper  or  cards. 

Various  articles  for  the  dining-  or  tea-table  or 
for  the  toilet- stand,  vases  or  mantel  ornaments,  all 
are  appropriate  on  this  occasion. 

THE  SILVER  WEDDING. 

The  silver  wedding  occurs  on  the  twenty-fifth 
marriage  anniversary.  The  invitations  issued  for 
this  wedding  should  be  upon  the  finest  note-paper, 
printed  in  bright  silver,  with  monogram  or  crest 
upon  both  paper  and  envelope,  in  silver  also. 

If  presents  are  offered  by  any  of  the  guests,  they 
should  be  of  silver,  and  may  be  the  merest  trifles  or 
more  expensive,  as  the  means  and  inclinations  of  the 
donors  incline. 

THE  GOLDEN  WEDDING. 

The  close  of  the  fiftieth  year  of  married  life  brings 
round  the  appropriate  time  for  the  golden  wedding. 
Fifty  years  of  married  happiness  may  indeed  be 
crowned  with  gold. 

The  invitations  for  this  anniversary  celebration 
should  be  printed  on  the  finest  note-paper  in  gold, 
with  crest  or  monogram  on  both  paper  and  envelope 
in  highly-burnished  gold.  The  presents,  if  any  are 
offered,  are  also  in  gold. 


ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS.  2O/ 

THE  DIAMOND  WEDDING. 

Few  indeed  may  celebrate  their  diamond  wedding. 
This  should  be  held  on  the  seventy-fifth  anniver- 
sary of  the  marriage-day.  So  rare  are  these  occur- 
rences that  custom  has  sanctioned  no  particular  style 
or  form  to  be  observed  in  the  invitations.  These 
invitations  might  be  issued  upon  diamond-shaped 
cards,  enclosed  in  envelopes  of  a  corresponding 
shape.  There  can  be  no  general  offering  of  presents 
at  such  a  wedding,  since  diamonds  in  any  number 
are  beyond  the  means  of  most  persons. 

PRESENTS  AT  ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS. 

It  is  not  at  all  required  that  an  invitation  to  an 
anniversary  wedding  be  acknowledged  by  a  valuable 
gift,  or  indeed  by  any.  The  donors  on  such  occa- 
sions are  usually  only  members  of  the  family  or  inti- 
mate friends. 

On  the  occasion  of  golden  or  silver  weddings  it 
is  not  amiss  to  have  printed  at  the  bottom  of  the 
invitation  the  words  "  No  presents,"  or  to  enclose  a 
card  announcing — 

"  It  is  preferred  that  no  wedding-gifts  be  offered." 

It  is  not  amiss,  though  not  at  all  obligatory,  at  the 
earlier  anniversaries  to  present  trifles  in  paper,  wood, 
tin,  glass  or  china,  which,  if  well  chosen,  often  add  to 
the  amusement  and  sociability  of  the  evening. 

INVITATIONS  TO  ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS. 
The  invitations  to  anniversary  weddings  may  vary 


2O8  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

somewhat  in  their  wordings,  according  to  the  fancy 
of  the  writer,  but  they  are  all  similar.  They  should 
give  the  date  of  the  marriage  and  the  anniversary. 
They  may  or  may  not  give  the  name  of  the  husband 
at  the  right-hand  side  and  the  maiden  name  of  the 
wife  at  the  left.  What  the  anniversary  is  should  also 
be  indicated. 

The  following  form  will  serve  as  a  model : 

1849-1874. 
The  pleasure  of  your  company  is  requested  at  the 

Silver  Wedding  Reception 

of 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  William  Brown, 

On  Thursday  evening,  November  1 $th,  at  nine  o'clock. 

909  Arch  street. 
R.  S.  V.  P. 

A  variation  of  the  dates  and  an  insertion,  in  the 
place  of  the  word  "  silver,"  of  "  paper,"  "  wooden," 
"tin,"  "crystal,"  "china,"  "golden"  or  "diamond," 
will  make  this  form  equally  suitable  for  any  of  the 
other  anniversary  weddings. 

MARRIAGE  CEREMONY  AT  ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS. 

It  is  not  unusual  to  have  the  marriage  ceremony 
repeated  at  these  anniversary  weddings,  especially  at 
the  silver  or  golden  wedding.  The  earlier  anniver- 
saries are  almost  too  trivial  occasions  upon  which  to 
introduce  this  ceremony,  especially  as  the  parties 


ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS.  2OO, 

may  not  yet  have  had  sufficient  time  to  discover 
whether  an  application  to  the  divorce  court  may  not 
yet  be  thought  necessary  by  one  or  the  other.  But 
there  is  a  certain  impressiveness  in  seeing  a  husband 
and  wife  who  have  remained  faithful  to  each  other 
for  a  quarter  or  half  a  century  publicly  renewing 
their  vows  of  fidelity  and  love,  which  then  can  only 
mean  "  till  death  us  do  part."  The  clergyman  who 
officiates  at  this  ceremony  will  of  course  so  change 
the  exact  words  of  the  marriage  ceremony  as  to 
render  them  perfectly  appropriate  to  the  occasion. 

14 


CHAPTER  III. 

BIRTHS  AND    CHRISTENINGS. 

WHEN  the  news  of  the  birth  of  a  child  is  given 
to  the  world,  the  lady  friends  of  the  mother 
send  her  their  cards  and  kind  inquiries  after  her 
health.  .  As  soon  as  convalescence  permits  the 
invalid  returns  her  own,  with  "thanks  for  kind 
inquiries."  Then  ladies  may  make  personal  visits. 
Gentlemen  should  not  call  upon  the  mother  on  these 
occasions,  but  they  may,  if  they  choose,  pay  their 
visits  to  the  father  and  inquire  after  the  health  of  his 
wife  and  child. 

NAMING  THE  CHILD. 

The  matter  which  most  concerns  the  parents  at 
this  period  is  the  giving  of  a  name  to  their  offspring. 
This  is  of  no  small  importance,  for  it  is  something 
which  will  more  or  less  affect  the  child  throughout 
its  life. 

In  Scotland  the  first  son  is  usually  named  after  the 
father's  father,  the  first  daughter  after  the  mother's 
mother,  the  second  son  after  the  father,  the  second 
daughter  after  the  mother,  and  the  succeeding  chil- 
dren after  near  relations.  It  is  an  excellent  plan  to 
210 


BIRTHS  AND   CHRISTENINGS.  211 

perpetuate  family  names  when  these  names  are 
worthy  of  perpetuation.  There  are  cases,  however, 
when  it  would  be  well  to  avoid  this  plan,  as,  for 
instance,  when  the  relative  whose  name  is  under 
consideration  has  in  any  way  disgraced  that  name, 
when  the  name  itself  is  an  ugly  one,  or  when  it  is 
too  common.  Thus  no  man  by  the  name  of  Smith 
is  justified  in  calling  his  son  John,  though  all  the 
paternal  Smiths  to  the  remotest  generation  may 
have  borne  that  name. 

Another  prevalent  custom  in  naming  children  is 
to  call  them  after  some  renowned  person  either 
living  or  dead.  The  objection  to  this  plan  is  that 
if  living  the  person  may  be  capable  of  yet  com- 
mitting some  act  to  disgrace  the  name,  or  at  least 
to  put  its  present  admirer  out  of  conceit  of  it ;  and 
if  dead,  the  child  upon  whom  it  is  bestowed  may 
prove  so  insignificant  a  character  that  the  name 
shall  be  a  constant  reproach  or  satire. 

If  there  are  reasons  against  the  use  of  family 
names,  the  plan  of  renewing  the  old  Saxon  names 
is  an  excellent  one,  and  by  its  adoption  our  list  of 
names  is  much  enlarged.  Such  names  as  Edwin, 
Edgar,  Alfred,  Ethel,  Maud,  Edith,  Theresa,  Arthur 
and  others,  found  in  old  Saxon  chronicles,  are  pleas- 
ant-sounding and  strong — a  desirable  contrast  to 
the  Fannies,  Mamies,  Minnies,  Lizzies,  Nellies, 
Sadies  and  other  namby-pamby  diminutives,  that 
have,  it  would  seem,  completely  supplanted  their 
originals. 


212  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

THE  CHRISTENING. 

The  christening  and  the  baptism  usually  occur  at 
the  same  time,  and  are  regulated  according  to  the 
practices  of  the  special  Church  to  which  the  parents 
give  their  adherence.  It  is  not  the  province  of  this 
book  to  give  directions  concerning  the  religious 
ceremonies,  but  only  to  indicate  the  forms  and 
customs  which  society  imposes  at  such  times. 

GODPARENTS  OR  SPONSORS. 

In  the  Episcopal  Church  there  are  two,  and  some- 
times three,  godparents  or  sponsors.  If  the  child  is 
a  boy,  there  are  two  godfathers  and  one  godmother 
If  a  girl,  two  godmothers  and  one  godfather.  The 
persons  selected  for  godparents  should  be  near  rela- 
tives or  friends  of  long  and  close  standing,  and  should 
be  members  of  the  same  Church  into  which  the  child 
is  baptized. 

The  maternal  grandmother  and  paternal  grand- 
father usually  act  as  sponsors  for  the  first  child,  the 
maternal  grandfather  and  paternal  grandmother  for 
the  second. 

A  person  invited  to  act  as  godparent  should  not 
refuse  without  good  reason. 

If  the  grandparents  are  not  selected,  it  is  an  act 
of  courtesy  to  select  the  godmother,  and  allow  her 
to  designate  the  godfather. 

Young  persons  should  not  stand  sponsors  to  an 
infant,  and  none  should  offer  to  act  unless  their 
superior  position  warrants  them  in  so  doing. 


BIRTHS  AND   CHRISTENINGS. 

PRESENTS  FROM  GODPARENTS. 

The  sponsors  must  make  their  godchild  a  present 
of  some  sort — a  silver  mug,  a  knife,  spoon  andf  fork, 
a  handsomely-bound  Bible,  or,  perhaps,  a  costly  piece 
of  lace  or  embroidery  suitable  for  infants'  wear.  The 
godfather  may  give  a  cup,  with  name  engraved,  and 
the  godmother  the  christening  robe  and  cap. 

THE  CHRISTENING  CEREMONY. 

Upon  entering  the  church  the  babe  is  carried  first 
in  the  arms  of  its  nurse.  Next  come  the  sponsors, 
and  after  them  the  father  and  the  mother,  if  she  is 
able  to  be  present.  The  invited  guests  follow. 

In  taking  their  places  the  sponsors  stand,  the 
godfather  on  the  right  and  the  godmother  on  the 
left  of  the  child. 

When  the  question  is  asked,  Who  are  the  sponsors 
for  the  child  ?  the  proper  persons  should  merely  bow 
their  heads,  without  speaking. 

In  the  Roman  Catholic  Church  baptism  takes  place 
at  as  early  a  date  as  possible.  If  the  child  does 
not  seem  to  be  strong,  a  priest  is  sent  for  at  once, 
and  the  ceremony  is  performed  at  the  mother's  bed- 
side. If,  on  the  other  hand,  the  child  is  healthy,  it 
is  taken  to  the  church  within  a  few  days  after  its 
birth.  In  Protestant  churches  the  ceremony  of  bap- 
tism is  usually  deferred  until  the  mother  is  able  to 
be  present. 

If  the  ceremony  is  performed  at  home,,  a  carriage 


214  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

must  be  sent  for  the  clergyman,  and  retained  to  con- 
vey him  back  again  after  the  ceremony  is  concluded. 

CHRISTENING  BREAKFAST. 

A  luncheon  or  dejeuner  a  la  fourchette  may  follow 
the  christening,  though  a  collation  of  cake  and  wine 
will  fill  all  the  requirements  of  etiquette.  It  is  the 
duty  of  the  godfather  to  propose  the  health  of  the 
infant. 

CHRISTENING  GIFTS. 

Friends  invited  to  a  christening  should  remember 
the  babe  in  whose  honor  they  convene  by  some  tri- 
fling gift.  Gentlemen  may  present  an  article  of  sil- 
ver, ladies  something  of  their  own  manufacture. 

THE  HERO  OF  THE  DAY. 

It  should  be  remembered  that  the  baby  is  the 
person  of  the  greatest  importance  on  these  occasions, 
and  the  guests  should  give  it  a  large  share  of  atten- 
tion and  praise.  The  parents,  however,  must  not 
make  this  duty  too  onerous  to  their  guests  by  keep- 
ing a  tired,  fretful  child  on  exhibition.  It  is  better 
to  send  it  at  once  to  the  care  of  the  nurse  as  soon  as 
the  ceremony  is  over. 

CHRISTENING  FEES. 

Though  the  church  performs  the  ceremony  ot 
baptism  gratuitously,  the  parents  should,  if  they 


BIRTHS  AND   CHRISTENINGS.  215 

are  able,  make  a  present  to  the  officiating  clergy- 
man, or,  through  him,  a  donation  to  the  poor  of 
the  neighborhood.  The  father  of  the  child  should 
also  remember  the  nurse  who  carries  the  child  to 
church. 


CHAPTER  IV. 
FUNERALS. 

THE  good  sense  of  society  is  gradually  abol- 
ishing all  forms  of  ostentation  from  funerals. 
Even  mourning  is  rejected  by  many  persons  of  intel- 
ligence, who  see  in  it  a  temptation  to  extravagance, 
and  who  regard  it,  moreover,  as  requiring  more 
thought  and  trouble  than  should  be  taken  when  the 
mind  is  overwhelmed  with  real  grief. 

The  hired  mutes  and  heavy  trappings  of  woe 
which  are  still  in  use  in  England  are  entirely 
aoandoned  with  us. 

INVITATIONS  TO  A  FUNERAL. 

The  notice  of  a  death  and  the  invitation  to  thf 
funeral  are  usually  made  through  the  newspapers 
though  sometimes  the  invitation  is  given  by  means 
of  a  private  note.  If  no  other  invitation  is  given 
than  that  through  the  newspapers,  it  is  best  to  add 
"  without  further  notice." 

Private  invitations  are  usually  printed  in  forms 
something  like  the  following : 

"  You  are  respectfully  invited  to  attend  the  funeral 
of  John  Smith  on  Friday,  October  2,  1874,  at  1 1  A.  M., 

216 


FUNERALS.  21? 

from  his  late  residence,  1491  Walnut  street  (or  from 
the  Church  of  the  Holy  Trinity).  To  proceed  to 
Laurel  Hill  Cemetery." 

These  invitations  must  be  delivered  by  a  private 
messenger. 

Whether  other  invitations  are  sent  or  not,  notes 
must  be  sent  to  those  who  are  desired  to  act  as  pall- 
bearers. 

CHARGE  OF  AFFAIRS  AT  A  FUNERAL. 

The  minutiae  of  the  arrangements  for  the  funeral 
are  usually  (and  wisely)  left  to  the  undertaker,  who 
best  knows  how  to  proceed,  and  who  will  save  the 
family  of  the  deceased  all  cares  and  petty  annoyances 
at  a  time  when  they  are  least  fitted  to  meet  them. 

Such  details  as  usually  do  not  fall  to  the  undertaker 
are  entrusted  to  some  relative  or  friend.  This  friend 
should  have  an  interview  with  the  family  or  some 
representative  of  it,  and  learn  what  their  wishes  may 
be  and  receive  from  them  a  limit  of  expenses. 

EXPENSE  OF  FUNERAL. 

Regarding  this  limit,  let  it  be  borne  in  mind  that 
it  should  always  be  in  accordance  with  the  means  of 
the  family ;  that  nothing  can  excuse  an  extravagance 
and  ostentation  at  a  funeral  which  must  be  indulged 
in  at  the  expense  of  heavy  privation  afterward,  or 
perhaps,  worse  still,  at  that  of  the  creditors.  Pomp 
and  display  are  at  all  times  out  of  keeping  with  the 
solemn  occasion  and  inconsistent  with  real  grief. 


21 8  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

GENERAL  RULES  OF  ETIQUETTE  CONCERNING 
HOUSES  OF  MOURNING. 

There  should  be  no  calls  upon  the  bereaved  family 
while  the  dead  remains  in  the  house,  and  they  may 
be  excused  if  they  refuse  themselves  to  friends  and 
relatives. 

Upon  entering  the  house  of  mourning  a  gentle- 
man must  always  remove  his  hat  in  the  hall,  nor  re- 
place it  while  he  remains. 

There  should  be  no  loud  talking  nor  confusion 
while  the  body  remains  in  the  house. 

DRAPING  THE  HOUSE  IN  MOURNING. 

The  shutters  on  the  street  are  kept  closed.  In 
Philadelphia  it  is  customary  to  tie  all  the  window- 
shutters  with  black  and  to  hang  black  upon  the  door. 
In  other  places  the  black  upon  the  door  is  considered 
sufficient. 

In  Philadelphia  the  black  is  allowed  to  remain 
upon  the  windows  for  a  year — a  foolish  and  ostenta- 
tious custom  the  oftener  disregarded,  the  better. 

It  is  desirable,  upon  a  death  occurring  in  a  house, 
that  some  outward  sign  should  be  given  to  keep 
away  casual  visitors.  The  usual  means  of  doing 
this  is  by  tying  black  crape  upon  the  bell  or  door- 
knob, with  a  black  ribbon  if  the  person  is  married  or 
advanced  in  years,  with  a  white  one  if  young  and  un- 
married. The  customs  of  different  localities  desig- 
nate when  this  crape  should  be  removed. 


FUNERALS.  21$ 

CARRIAGES  FOR  A  FUNERAL. 

If  friends  are  specially  invited,  carriages  should  be 
furnished  to  take  them  to  the  cemetery.  A  list  of 
invited  persons  should  be  given  to  the  undertaker, 
showing  the  order  in  which  they  are  to  be  placed 
in  the  carriages. 

AVOID   BEING   TOO    EARLY   AT   A   FUNERAL. 

Persons  should  not  present  themselves  at  a  funeral 
before  the  appointed  hour,  because  by  so  doing  they 
may  intrude  upon  the  privacy  of  the  family,  who  are 
taking  their  last  farewell  of  their  deceased  friend. 

EXHIBITION  OF  THE  CORPSE. 

If  the  guests  are  invited  to  go  from  the  house  to 
the  church,  the  corpse  is  usually  exposed  in  the 
drawing-room,  while  the  family  are  assembled  in 
another  apartment.  If  the  guests  go  directly  to  the 
church,  the  coffin  is  placed  in  front  of  the  chancel, 
and  after  the  services  the  lid  is  removed  and  friends 
pass  up  one  aisle,  past  the  coffin,  from  the  feet  to  the 
head,  and  down  the  other  aisle  out. 

RECEIVING  GUESTS  AT  A  FUNERAL. 

If  the  services  are  held  at  the  house,  some  near 
friend  or  relative  will  receive  the  guests.  The  ladies 
of  the  family  do  not  show  themselves  at  all.  The 
gentlemen  may  do  as  they  please. 


220  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

PROCEEDING  TO  THE  CEMETERY, 

The  procession  moves  from  the  door  exactly  one 
hour  after  the  time  set  for  the  funeral. 

In  England  the  male  friends  alone  follow  the 
corpse  to  its  final  resting-place.  In  this  country  it 
is  proper  for  the  female  friends  and  relatives  to  do  so 
if  they  desire  it,  as  they  generally  do. 

The  carriage  containing  the  clergyman  precedes 
the  hearse.  The  carriage  immediately  following  the 
hearse  contains  the  nearest  relatives,  the  following 
carriages  those  more  remote  in  relationship. 

As  the  mourners  pass  out  to  enter  the  carriages 
the  guests  stand  with  uncovered  heads.  No  saluta- 
tions are  given  or  received.  The  person  who  has 
been  selected  to  officiate  as  master  of  ceremonies 
assists  the  mourners  to  enter  and  alight  from  the 
carriages. 

Sometimes  the  private  carriage  of  the  deceased 
is  placed  in  the  procession,  empty,  immediately  be- 
hind the  hearse. 

The  horse  of  a  deceased  mounted  officer,  fully 
equipped  and  draped  in  mourning,  will  be  led  im- 
mediately after  the  hearse. 

In  towns  and  villages  where  the  cemetery  is  near 
at  hand  it  is  not  unusual  for  all  to  proceed  to  it 
on  foot.  In  this  case  the  men  should  go  with  un- 
covered heads  if  the  weather  will  permit  it,  the 
hat  being  held  in  the  right  hand.  The  hat  must 
at  all  events  be  removed  whenever  the  coffin  is 
carried  from  the  hearse  to  the  church  or  back, 


FUNERALS.  221 

when  the  guests  form  a  double  line,  between  which 
it  passes. 

At  the  cemetery  the  clergyman  or  priest  walks  in 
advance  of  the  coffin. 

SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  FUNERALS. 

Persons  attending  a  funeral  should  be  dressed  in 
sombre  colors.  A  gay  dress  is  certainly  out  of 
place. 

FLOWERS  AT  A  FUNERAL. 

The  custom  of  decking  the  corpse  and  coffin  with 
flowers  is  a  beautiful  one,  though  somewhat  ex- 
pensive. Upon  the  coffin  of  an  infant  or  a  young 
person  a  wreath  of  flowers  should  be  placed,  upon 
that  of  a  married  person  a  cross.  These  flowers 
should  always  be  white.  Friends  sending  gifts  of 
flowers  should  send  them  in  time  to  be  used  foi 
decorative  purposes. 

OTHER  DECORATIONS  UPON  THE  COFFIN. 

A  person  of  rank  generally  bears  some  insignia  of 
his  rank  upon  his  coffin-lid.  Thus,  a  deceased  army 
or  naval  officer  will  have  his  coffin  covered  with  the 
national  flag,  and  his  hat,  epaulettes,  sword  and  sash 
laid  upon  the  lid. 

AFTER  THE  FUNERAL. 

Guests  should  not  return  to  the  house  of  mourn- 
ing after  the  funeral,  but  should  be  driven  immedi- 
ately home.  In  some  sections  it  is  customary  to 


222  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

conclude  the  ceremonies  of  the  day  with  a  dinner  or 
banquet,  but  this  is  grossly  out  of  place  and  not  to 
be  tolerated  by  any  one  of  common  sense  and  re- 
finement. If  friends  have  come  from  a  distance,  it 
may  sometimes  be  a  matter  of  necessity  to  extend  a 
brief  hospitality  to  them  ;  but  if  the  guests  can  avoid 
this  necessity,  they  should  do  so.  This  hospitality 
should  be  of  the  quietest  sort,  and  in  no  manner 
become  an  entertainment. 

It  is  the  cruelest  blow  which  can  be  given  bereaved 
friends  to  fill  the  house  with  strangers  or  indifferent 
acquaintances  and  the  sound  of  feasting  at  a  time 
when  they  desire  of  all  things  to  be  left  alone  with 
their  sorrow. 

NOTIFICATION  OF  DEATH. 

It  is  an  English  custom,  which  is  beginning  to  be 
adopted  in  America,  to  send  upon  the  occasion  of  a 
death  to  relatives  and  friends  cards  deeply  edged  in 
black,  upon  which  are  printed  or  engraved  the  name 
of  the  deceased,  with  his  age  and  date  of  his  death. 
These  cards  are  immediately  acknowledged  by  letters 
of  condolence  and  offers  of  assistance,  but  on  no 
account  by  personal  visits  a  fortnight  or  so  after  the 
funeral. 

OBLIGATION  TO  ATTEND  A  FUNERAL. 

All  persons  except  those  themselves  in  deep  afflic- 
tion are  under  obligation  to  attend  a  funeral  to 
which  they  have  been  invited. 


FUNERALS.  22$ 

SECLUSION  OF  THE  BEREAVED  FAMILY. 

No  member  of  the  immediate  family  of  the  de- 
ceased will  leave  the  house  between  the  time  of  the 
death  and  the  funeral.  A  lady  friend  will  be  com- 
missioned to  make  all  necessary  purchases  and 
engage  seamstresses,  etc. 

PERIOD  OF  MOURNING. 

Those  who  wish  to  show  themselves  strict  ob- 
servers of  etiquette  keep  their  houses  in  twilight 
seclusion  and  sombre  with  mourning  for  a  year  or 
more,  allowing  the  piano  to  remain  closed  for  the 
same  length  of  time.  But  in  this  close  observance 
of  the  letter  of  the  law  its  spirit  is  lost  entirely. 

It  is  not  desirable  to  enshroud  ourselves  in  gloom 
after  a  bereavement,  no  matter  how  great  it  has  been. 
It  is  our  duty  to  ourselves  and  to  the  world  to  regain 
our  cheerfulness  as  soon  as  we  may,  and  all  that 
conduces  to  this  we  are  religiously  bound  to  accept, 
whether  it  be  music,  the  bright  light  of  heaven, 
cheerful  clothing  or  the  society  of  friends. 

At  all  events,  the  moment  we  begin  to  chafe 
against  the  requirements  of  etiquette,  grow  wearied 
of  the  darkened  room,  long  for  the  open  piano  and 
look  forward  impatiently  to  the  time  when  we  may 
lay  aside  our  mourning,  from  that  moment  we  are 
slaves  to  a  law  which  was  originally  made  to  serve 
us  in  allowing  us  to  do  unquestioned  what  was  sup- 
posed to  be  in  true  harmony  with  our  gloomy  feelings. 


224  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

The  woman  who  wears  the  badge  of  widowhood 
for  exactly  two  years  to  a  day,  and  then  puts  it  off 
suddenly  for  ordinary  colors,  and  who  possibly  has 
already  contracted  an  engagement  for  a  second  mar- 
riage during  these  two  years  of  supposed  mourning, 
confesses  to  a  slavish  hypocrisy  in  making  an  osten- 
tatious show  of  a  grief  which  has  long  since  died  a 
natural  (and  shall  we  not  say  a  desirable  ?)  death. 

In  these  respects  let  us  be  natural,  and  let  us, 
moreover,  remember  that,  though  the  death  of  friends 
brings  us  real  and  heartfelt  sorrow,  yet  it  is  still  a 
time  for  rejoicing  for  their  sakes. 


PART    IV. 

DRESS. 


CHAPTER  I. 
THE    TOILETTE. 

IT  is  the  duty  of  every  woman  to  make  herself  as 
beautiful  as  possible;  nor  is  it  less  the  duty  of 
every  man  to  render  himself  pleasing  in  appearance. 
This  duty  of  looking  well  is  one  we  owe  not  only  to 
ourselves,  but  to  others  also.  We  owe  it  to  our- 
selves because  others  estimate  us  very  naturally  and 
very  rightly  by  our  outward  appearance,  and  we 
owe  it  to  others  because  we  have  no  right  to  put 
our  friends  to  the  blush  by  untidiness  or  uncouth- 
ness. 

If  a  gentleman  requests  the  pleasure  of  a  lady's 
company  to  the  opera,  she  has  no  right  to  turn  that 
expected  pleasure  into  a  pain  and  mortification  by 
presenting  herself  with  tumbled  hair,  ill-chosen 
dress,  badly-fitting  gloves  and  an  atmosphere  of 
cheap  and  offensive  perfumes.  So,  again,  if  the 
gentleman  conies  to  fulfill  his  appointment  with 

15  225 


226  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

shaggy  hair  and  beard,  tumbled  clothes,  soiled  linen 
and  an  odor  of  stale  tobacco,  she  may  well  resent 
such  an  appearance  as  an  insult. 

Duty,  therefore,  has  even  more  to  do  with  atten- 
tion to  the  toilette  than  vanity.  We  are  bound  to 
turn  our  personal  attractions  to  the  very  best  account, 
and  to  preserve  every  agreeable  quality  we  may  have 
been  endowed  with  to  the  latest  period  of  our  re- 
spective lives. 

HEALTH  AND  BEAUTY. 

No  lady  or  gentleman  ever  neglects  the  minor 
details  of  the  toilette.  Upon  these  depend,  in  a  great 
degree,  the  health,  not  to  say  the  beauty,  of  the 
individual.  In  fact,  the  highest  state  of  health  is 
equivalent  to  the  greatest  degree  of  beauty  of  which 
the  individual  is  capable.  It  is  a  false  taste  which 
looks  upon  a  fragile  form  and  a  pale  and  delicate 
complexion  as  requisites  for  beauty.  The  strength 
and  buoyancy  and  vigor  of  youth,  the  full  and 
rounded  curves  of  form  and  features,  the  clear  com- 
plexion, fair  in  the  blonde  and  rich  and  brilliant  in 
the  brunette,  tinted  with  the  rosy  flush  of  health, — 
these  constitute  the  true  beauty  which  all  should 
seek,  and  to  which  all  with  proper  care  can  at  least 
partially  attain. 

THE  DRESSING-ROOM. 

The  first  necessity  in  properly  performing  the 
duties  of  the  toilette  is  to  have  a  regularly-appointed 


THE    TOILETTE.  22? 

dressing-room.  This  room,  of  course,  in  many  in- 
stances, is  a  bedroom  as  well ;  but  that  need  in  no 
way  interfere  with  its  general  arrangements. 

The  walls  should  be  decorated  with  a  light-colored 
paper,  with  window-curtains  and  furniture  covers  all 
in  harmony.  A  few  choice  prints  or  water-color 
drawings  may  be  hung  on  the  walls,  and  one  or  two 
ornaments  may  occupy  a  place  on  the  mantel ;  but  it 
should  be  borne  in  mind  that  the  room  is  to  be 
used  exclusively  for  dressing  and  the  toilette,  so 
that  everything  interfering  with  these  offices  in  any 
way  should  be  studiously  avoided. 

LADY'S  DRESSING-ROOM. 

The  furniture  of  a  lady's  dressing-room  should 
consist  of  a  low  dressing-bureau,  a  washstand,  an 
easy-chair,  placed  in  front  of  the  dressing-bureau,  one 
or  two  other  chairs,  a  sofa  or  couch  if  the  space  ad- 
mits, and  a  large  wardrobe  if  there  are  insufficient 
closet  conveniences. 

On  the  dressing-bureau  should  be  placed  the  lady's 
dressing-case,  her  jewel-box,  ring-stand,  pin-cushion 
and  hairpin-cushion.  This  latter  is  very  convenient, 
and  is  made  in  the  following  way :  It  may  be  round 
or  square,  the  sides  of  wood  or  card-board,  loosely 
stuffed  with  fine  horsehair  and  covered  with  plain 
knitting,  worked  in  single  Berlin  wool  with  fine 
needles.  This  cover  offers  no  impediment  to  the 
hairpins,  which  are  much  better  preserved  in  this 
way  than  by  being  left  about  in  an  untidy  fashion 


228  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

In  addition,  there  should  be  a  tray  with  various  kinds 
of  combs,  frizettes  and  bottles  of  perfumes.  There 
should  be  neither  bottles  of  strong  perfumery,  such 
as  musk  or  patchouli,  nor  hair-dye  nor  cosmetics, 
neither  pots  of  hair-oil  nor  powder-puff  nor  rouge. 
A  bottle  of  pure  sweet  oil,  marrow  or  bear's  grease 
may  be  tolerated,  to  be  used  on  very  rare  occasions 
hereafter  to  be  described. 

The  washstand  should  be  furnished  with  a  large 
bowl  and  pitcher,  soap-tray,  small  pitcher  and  tum- 
bler, china  tray  containing  two  tooth-brushes  and 
nail-brushes,  sponge-basin,  holding  two  sponges 
(large  and  small),  and  a  bottle  of  ammonia. 

On  the  right  of  the  washstand  should  be  the 
towel-rack,  on  which  should  be  found  one  fine  and 
two  coarse  towels  and  two  more  very  coarse  hucka- 
back or  Turkish  towels.  Beneath  the  washstand 
should  be  placed  the  foot-bath. 

On  the  wall  should  be  hooks  and  pegs  at  conve- 
nient distances,  from  which  maybe  suspended  sacques, 
dressing-gowns,  dresses  about  to  be  worn,  or  any 
other  article  of  general  or  immediate  use. 

The  various  articles  of  a  lady's  apparel — dresses, 
skirts,  crinolines,  etc. — should  be  hung  neatly  away 
in  the  closet  or  wardrobe.  The  underclothing 
should  be  folded  and  placed  in  an  orderly  manner 
in  the  drawers  of  the  dressing-bureau.  The  finer 
dresses  are  kept  in  better  order  if  folded  smoothly 
and  laid  on  shelves  instead  of  being  hung  up. 


THE    TOILETTE.  22$ 

GENTLEMAN'S  DRESSING-ROOM. 

The  appointments  of  a  gentleman's  dressing-room 
are  similar  in  most  respects  to  those  of  the  lady's 
dressing-room,  the  differences  being  in  trifling  mat- 
ters. 

A  gentleman's  wardrobe  need  not  be  so  large  as  a 
lady's,  but  it  should  be  well  supplied  with  drawers 
to  contain  pantaloons  and  vests  neatly  folded.  In- 
deed, no  gentleman  who  wishes  to  make  a  tidy  ap- 
pearance will  ever  hang  up  these  articles. 

The  pegs  and  hooks  in  a  gentleman's  dressing- 
room  are  for  the  convenience  of  articles  of  a  gen- 
tleman's toilet  corresponding  with  those  occupying 
the  same  place  in  the  lady's  room. 

A  gentleman's  dressing-bureau  should  contain 
the  articles  used  in  a  gentleman's  toilet  —  razors, 
shaving-brush,  shaving-soap  and  a  small  tin  pot 
for  hot  water,  together  with  packages  of  paper,  on 
which  to  wipe  razors.  Cheap  razors  are  a  mistake, 
as  they  soon  lose  their  edge.  A  good  razor  re- 
quires no  strop.  It  has  been  suggested  as  an  ex- 
cellent plan  to  have  a  case  of  seven  razors  —  one 
for  each  day  in  the  week — so  that  they  are  all 
equally  used. 

A  boot-stand,  on  which  all  the  boots  and  shoes 
should  be  arranged  in  regular  order,  with  boot- 
jacks and  boot-hooks,  is  a  necessary  adjunct  to  the 
gentleman's  dressing-room. 

A  couple  of  hair  gloves,  with  a  flesh-brush,  may 
be  added  to  the  toilet  appurtenances. 


23O  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

THE  BATH. 

In  most  of  our  city  houses  there  is  a  separate 
bath-room  with  hot  and  cold  water,  but  country 
houses  have  not  always  this  convenience.  A  sub- 
stitute for  the  bath-room  is  a  large  piece  of  oil- 
cloth, which  can  be  laid  upon  the  floor  of  the  or- 
dinary dressing-room.  Upon  this  may  be  placed 
the  bath-tub  or  basin. 

There  are  various  kinds  of  baths,  both  hot  and 
cold — the  shower-bath,  the  douche,  the  hip-bath 
and  the  sponge-bath. 

Only  the  most  vigorous  constitutions  can  endure 
the  shower-bath,  therefore  it  cannot  be  recommended 
for  indiscriminate  use. 

A  douche  or  hip-bath  may  be  taken  every  morn- 
ing, winter  and  summer,  with  the  temperature  of  the 
water  suited  to  the  endurance  of  the  individual.  In 
summer  a  second  or  sponge-bath  may  be  taken  on 
retiring. 

We  do  not  bathe  to  make  ourselves  clean,  but  to 
keep  clean,  and  for  the  sake  of  its  health-giving 
and  invigorating  effects.  Once  a  week  a  warm 
bath,  at  about  100°,  may  be  used,  with  plenty  of 
soap,  in  order  to  thoroughly  cleanse  the  pores  of  the 
skin. 

After  these  baths  the  rough  towels  should  be 
vigorously  used,  not  only  to  help  remove  the  im- 
purities of  the  skin,  but  for  the  beneficial  friction 
which  will  send  a  glow  over  the  whole  body.  The 


THE    TOILETTE. 


hair  glove  or  flesh-brush  may  be  used  to  advantage 
in  the  bath  before  the  towel  is  applied. 

Before  stepping  into  the  bath  the  head  should  be 
wet  with  cold  water,  and  in  the  bath  the  pit  of  the 
stomach  should  first  be  sponged. 

There  is  no  danger  to  most  people  from  taking 
a  bath  in  a  state  of  ordinary  perspiration.  But  one 
should  by  all  means  avoid  it  if  he  is  overheated  or 
fatigued. 

THE  AIR-BATH. 

Next  in  importance  to  the  water-bath  is  the  air- 
bath.  Nothing  is  so  conducive  to  health  as  an  ex- 
posure of  the  body  to  air  and  sun.  A  French  phy- 
sician has  recommended  the  sun-bath  as  a  desirable 
hygienic  practice.  It  is  well,  therefore,  to  remain 
without  clothing  for  some  little  time  after  bathing, 
performing  such  duties  of  the  toilet  as  can  be  done 
in  that  condition. 

THE  TEETH. 

The  next  thing  to  be  done  is  to  clean  the  teeth. 
Besides  this  daily  morning  cleaning,  the  teeth  should 
be  carefully  brushed  with  a  soft  brush  after  each 
meal,  and  also  on  retiring  at  night.  Use  the  brush 
so  that  not  only  the  outside  of  the  teeth  is  white, 
but  the  inside  also.  After  the  brush  is  used  plunge 
it  two  or  three  times  into  a  glass  of  fresh  water,  then 
rub  it  quite  dry  on  a  towel. 

Use  no  tooth-washes  nor  powders  whatever, 
There  may  be  some  harmless  ones,  but  it  is  impossi 


232  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

X 

ble  for  a  person  of  ordinary  knowledge  to  discrim- 
inate between  them,  and  that  which  seems  to  be 
rendering  the  teeth  beautifully  white  may  soon 
destroy  the  enamel  which  covers  them.  Castile 
soap  used  once  a  day,  with  frequent  brushings  with 
pure  water  and  a  soft  brush,  cannot  fail  to  keep  the 
teeth  clean  and  white,  unless  they  are  disfigured  and 
destroyed  by  other  bad  habits,  such  as  the  use  of 
tobacco  or  too  hot  or  too  cold  drinks. 

On  the  slightest  appearance  of  decay  or  a  tend- 
ency to  accumulate  tartar,  go  at  once  to  a  dentist. 
If  a  dark  spot  appearing  under  the  enamel  is  neg- 
lected, it  will  eat  in  until  the  tooth  is  eventually 
destroyed.  A  dentist  seeing  the  tooth  in  its  first 
stage  will  remove  the  decayed  part  and  plug  the 
cavity  in  a  proper  manner. 

Tartar  is  not  so  easily  dealt  with,  but  it  requires 
equally  early  attention.  It  results  from  an  impaired 
state  of  the  general  health,  and  assumes  the  form  of 
a  yellowish  concretion  on  the  teeth  and  gums.  At 
first  it  is  possible  to  keep  it  down  by  a  repeated  and 
vigorous  use  of  the  tooth-brush ;  but  if  a  firm,  solid 
mass  accumulates,  it  is  necessary  to  have  it  chipped 
off  by  a  dentist.  Unfortunately,  too,  by  that  time  it 
will  probably  have  begun  to  loosen  and  destroy  the 
teeth  on  which  it  fixes,  and  is  pretty  certain  to  have 
produced  one  obnoxious  effect — that  of  tainting  the 
breath. 

Washing  the  teeth  with  vinegar  when  the  brush 


THE    TOILETTE.  233 

is  used  has  been  recommended  as  a  means  of  remov- 
ing tartar. 

About  toothache  it  is  only  necessary  to  point  out 
that  it  results  from  various  causes,  and  that  therefore 
it  is  impossible  to  give  any  general  remedy  for  it. 
It  may  be  occasioned  by  decay,  by  inflammation  of 
the  membrane  covering  the  root,  or  the  pain  may  be 
neuralgic,  or  there  may  be  other  causes. 

Relief  in  cases  of  decay  may  sometimes  be  ob- 
tained by  thrusting  into  the  cavity  with  a  needle  a 
little  cotton-wool  saturated  with  creosote  or  oil  of 
cloves. 

When  there  is  inflammation,  relief  is  often  gained 
by  applying  camphorated  chloroform,  to  be  procured 
at  the  druggist's.  This  has  often  succeeded  when 
laudanum  and  similar  applications  have  entirely 
failed. 

Tenderness  of  the  gums,  to  which  some  persons 
are  subject,  may  sometimes  be  met  by  the  use  of  salt 
and  water,  but  it  is  well  to  rinse  the  mouth  frequently 
with  water  with  a  few  drops  of  tincture  of  myrrh  in  it. 

It  may  be  added  that  foul  breath,  unless  caused  by 
neglected  teeth,  indicates  a  deranged  state  of  the 
system.  When  it  is  occasioned  by  the  teeth  or  other 
local  cause,  use  a  gargle  consisting  of  a  spoonful  of 
solution  of  chloride  of  lime  in  half  a  tumbler  of 
water.  Gentlemen  smoking,  and  thus  tainting  the 
breath,  may  be  glad  to  know  that  the  common  pars- 
ley has  a  peculiar  effect  in  removing  the  odor  of 
tobacco. 


234  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

THE  SKIN. 

Beauty  and  health  of  the  skin  can  only  be  ob- 
tained by  perfect  cleanliness  and  an  avoidance  of 
all  cosmetics,  added  to  proper  diet  and  correct 
habits. 

Our  somewhat  remote  maternal  ancestors  were 
very  chary  in  the  use  of  water  lest  it  should  injure 
the  complexion.  So  they  delicately  wiped  their  faces 
with  the  corner  of  a  towel  wet  in  elder-flower  water 
or  rose-water.  Or  in  springtime  they  tripped  out 
to  the  meadows  while  the  dew  still  lay  upon  the 
grass,  and  saturating  their  kerchiefs  in  May  dew  re- 
freshed their  cheeks  and  went  home  contented  that 
a  conscientious  duty  had  been  performed.  And  so 
it  was,  though  a  different  duty  than  the  one  they 
congratulated  themselves  upon.  The  May  dew  did 
them  no  harm  at  least,  and  they  had  been  beguiled 
by  a  stratagem  into  early  rising. 

The  skin  must  be  frequently  and  thoroughly 
washed,  occasionally  with  warm  water  and  soap,  to 
remove  the  oily  exudations  upon  its  surface.  If  any 
unpleasant  sensations  are  experienced  after  the  use 
of  soap,  they  may  be  immediately  removed  by  rins- 
ing the  surface  with  water  to  which  a  little  lemon- 
juice  or  vinegar  has  been  added. 

It  is  not  necessary  here  to  speak  of  various  cutane- 
ous eruptions.  The  treatment  of  these  belongs  prop- 
erly to  a  physician.  They  are  usually  the  result  of 
a  bad  state  of  the  blood  or  general  derangement  of 


THE    TOILETTE.  235 

the  system,  and  cannot  be  cured  by  any  merely 
external  application. 

The  following  rules  may  be  given  for  the  pres- 
ervation of  the  complexion :  Rise  early  and  go  to 
bed  early.  Take  plenty  of  exercise.  Use  plenty  of 
cold  water,  and  good  soap  frequently.  Be  moderate 
in  eating  and  drinking.  Do  not  lace.  Avoid  as 
much  as  possible  the  vitiated  atmosphere  of  crowded 
assemblies.  Shun  cosmetics  and  washes  for  the 
skin.  The  latter  dry  the  skin,  and  only  defeat  the 
end  they  are  supposed  to  have  in  view. 

Moles  are  frequently  a  great  disfigurement  to  the 
face,  but  they  should  not  be  tampered  with  in  any 
way.  The  only  safe  and  certain  mode  of  getting  rid 
of  moles  is  by  a  surgical  operation. 

Freckles  are  of  two  kinds.  Those  occasioned  by 
exposure  to  the  sunshine,  and  consequently  evanes- 
cent, are  denominated  "  summer  freckles ;"  those 
which  are  constitutional  and  permanent  are  called 
"  cold  freckles." 

With  regard  to  the  latter,  it  is  impossible  to  give 
any  advice  which  will  be  of  value.  They  result  from 
causes  not  to  be  affected  by  mere  external  applica- 
tions. Summer  freckles  are  not  so  difficult  to  deal 
with,  and  with  a  little  care  the  skin  may  be  kept  free 
from  this  cause  of  disfigurement. 

Some  skins  are  so  delicate  that  they  become 
freckled  on  the  slightest  exposure  in  the  open  air  of 
summer.  The  cause  assigned  for  this  is  that  the 
iron  in  the  blood,  forming  a  junction  with  the  oxygen, 


236  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

leaves  a  rusty  mark  where  the  junction  takes  place. 
We  give  in  their  appropriate  place  some  recipes  for 
removing  these  latter  freckles  from  the  face. 

There  are  various  other  discolorations  of  the  skin, 
proceeding  frequently  from  derangement  of  the  sys- 
tem. The  cause  should  always  be  discovered  before 
attempting  a  remedy,  otherwise  you  may  aggravate 
the  complaint  rather  than  cure  it. 

THE  EYES,  LASHES  AND  BROWS. 

Beautiful  eyes  are  the  gift  of  Nature,  and  can  owe 
little  to  the  toilet.  As  in  the  eye  consists  much  of 
the  expression  of  the  face,  therefore  it  should  be 
borne  in  mind  that  those  who  would  have  their  eyes 
bear  a  pleasing  expression  must  cultivate  pleasing 
traits  of  character  and  beautify  the  soul,  and  then 
this  beautiful  soul  will  look  through  its  natural 
windows. 

Never  tamper  with  the  eyes.  There  is  danger  of 
destroying  them.  All  daubing  or  dyeing  of  the  lids 
is  foolish  and  vulgar. 

Short-sightedness  is  not  always  a  natural  defect. 
It  may  be  acquired  by  bad  habits  in  youth.  A  short- 
sighted person  should  supply  himself  with  glasses 
exactly  adapted  to  his  wants ;  but  it  is  well  not  to 
use  these  glasses  too  constantly,  as,  even  when  they 
perfectly  fit  the  eye,  they  really  tend  to  shorten  the 
sight.  Unless  one  is  very  short-sighted,  it  is  best  to 
keep  the  glasses  for  occasional  use,  and  trust  ordi- 
narily to  the  unaided  eye.  Parents  and  teachers 


THE    TOILETTE. 

should  watch  children  and  see  that  they  do  not 
acquire  the  habit  of  holding  their  books  too  close  to 
their  eyes,  and  thus  injure  their  sight. 

Parents  should  also  be  careful  that  their  children 
do  not  become  squint-  or  cross-eyed  through  any 
carelessness.  A  child's  hair  hanging  down  loosely 
over  its  eyes,  or  a  bonnet  projecting  too  far  over 
them,  or  a  loose  ribbon  or  tape  fluttering  over  the 
forehead,  is  sometimes  sufficient  to  direct  the  sight 
irregularly  until  it  becomes  permanently  crossed. 

A  beautiful  eyelash  is  an  important  adjunct  to  the 
eye.  The  lashes  may  be  lengthened  by  trimming 
them  occasionally  in  childhood.  Care  should  be 
taken  that  this  trimming  is  done  neatly  and  evenly, 
and  especially  that  the  points  of  the  scissors  do  not 
penetrate  the  eye. 

The  eyebrows  may  be  brushed  carefully  in  the 
direction  which  they  should  lie,  and  when  the  hair 
is  oiled,  which  should  be  but  seldom,  they  may  be 
oiled  also. 

In  general,  it  is  in  exceeding  bad  taste  to  dye 
either  lashes  or  brows,  for  it  usually  brings  them 
into  inharmony  with  the  hair  and  features.  There 
are  cases,  however,  when  the  beauty  of  an  otherwise 
fine  countenance  is  utterly  ruined  by  white  lashes 
and  brows.  In  such  cases  one  can  hardly  be  blamed 
if  india  ink  is  resorted  to  to  give  them  the  desired 
color. 

Never  shave  the  brows.     It  adds  to  their  beauty 


238  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

in  no  way,  and  may  result  in  an  irregular  growth  of 
new  hair. 

The  utmost  care  should  be  taken  of  the  eyes. 
They  should  never  be  strained  in  an  imperfect  light, 
whether  that  of  shrouded  daylight,  twilight  or  flick- 
ering lamp-  or  candle-light. 

Many  persons  have  an  idea  that  a  habitually  dark 
room  is  best  for  the  eyes.  On  the  contrary,  it 
weakens  them  and  renders  them  permanently  unable 
to  bear  the  light  of  the  sun.  Our  eyes  were  natur- 
ally designed  to  endure  the  broad  light  of  day,  and 
the  nearer  we  approach  to  this  in  our  houses,  the 
stronger  will  be  our  eyes  and  the  longer  will  we 
retain  our  sight. 

The  writer  of  this  book  recalls  a  person  whose 
eyes  were  failing  him,  until  he  thought  himself 
threatened  with  blindness,  and  in  consequence  he 
avoided  the  light  as  much  as  possible.  He  consulted 
one  of  the  most  eminent  oculists  in  the  country, 
who  told  him,  among  other  things,  to  avoid  dark 
rooms  and  accustom  his  eyes  as  much  as  possible  to 
full  daylight.  He  followed  these  directions,  and  his 
sight  immediately  improved. 

Some  persons  have  the  eyebrows  meeting  over 
the  nose.  This  is  usually  considered  a  disfigure- 
ment, but  there  is  no  remedy  for  it.  It  may  be  a 
consolation  for  such  people  to  know  that  the  ancients 
admired  this  style  of  eyebrows,  and  that  Michael 
Angelo  possessed  it.  Tennyson  speaks  of  his  friend 
Hallam  thus : 


THE    TOILETTE.  239 

"  And  over  thine  ethereal  eyes 
The  bar  of  Michael  Angelo." 

It  is  useless  to  pluck  out  the  uniting  hairs ;  and  if 
a  depilatory  is  applied,  a  mark  like  that  of  a  scar  left 
from  a  burn  remains,  and  is  more  disfiguring  than 
the  hair. 

If  the  lids  of  the  eyes  become  inflamed  and  scaly, 
do  not  seek  to  remove  the  scales  roughly,  for  they 
will  bring  the  lashes  with  them.  Apply  at  night  a 
little  cold  cream  to  the  edges  of  the  closed  lids,  and 
wash  them  in  the  morning  with  lukewarm  milk  and 
water.- 

It  is  well  to  have  on  the  toilet-table  a  remedy  for 
inflamed  eyes.  Spermaceti  ointment  is  simple  and 
well  adapted  to  this  purpose.  Apply  at  night,  and 
wash  off  with  rose-water  in  the  morning.  There  is 
a  simple  lotion  made  by  dissolving  a  very  small 
piece  of  alum  and  a  piece  of  lump-sugar  of  the  same 
size  in  a  quart  of  water ;  put  the  ingredients  into  the 
water  cold  and  let  them  simmer.  Bathe  the  eyes 
frequently  with  it. 

Sties  in  the  eye  are  irritating  and  disfiguring. 
Foment  with  warm  water ;  at  night  apply  a  bread- 
and-milk  poultice.  When  a  white  head  forms,  prick 
it  with  a  fine  needle.  Should  the  inflammation  be 
obstinate,  a  little  citrine  ointment  may  be  applied, 
care  being  taken  that  it  does  not  get  into  the  eye. 

THE  HAIR. 
There  is  nothing  that  so  adds  to  the  charm  of  an 


240  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

individual  as  a  good  head  of  hair.  The  complexion 
and  the  features  may  be  perfect,  but  if  the  hair  is 
thin  and  harsh  they  all  pass  for  little.  On  the  other 
hand,  magnificent  locks  will  atone  for  other  de- 
ficiencies. 

The  skin  of  the  head  requires  even  more  tender- 
ness and  cleanliness  than  any  other  portion  of  the 
body,  and  is  capable  of  being  irritated  by  disease. 
Formerly,  the  use  of  a  fine-tooth  comb  was  con- 
sidered essential  to  the  proper  care  of  the  hair,  but 
in  general,  to  the  careful  brusher,  the  fine  comb  is 
not  necessary. 

We  repeat,  the  hair  should  be  brushed  carefully. 
The  brush  should  be  of  moderate  hardness,  not  too 
hard.  The  hair  should  be  separated,  in  order  that 
the  head  itself  may  be  well  brushed,  as  by  doing  so 
the  scurf  is  removed,  and  that  is  most  essential,  as 
not  only  is  it  unpleasant  and  unsightly,  but  if  suf- 
fered to  remain  it  becomes  saturated  with  per- 
spiration and  tends  to  weaken  the  roots  of  the 
hair,  causing  it  in  time  to  fall  off. 

The  hair  should  be  brushed  for  at  least  twenty 
minutes  in  the  morning,  for  ten  minutes  when  it  is 
dressed  in  the  middle  of  the  day,  and  for  a  like 
period  at  night.  In  brushing  or  combing  it  begin 
at  the  extreme  points,  and  in  combing  hold  the 
portion  of  hair  just  above  that  through  which  the 
comb  is  passing  firmly  between  the  first  and  second 
fingers,  so  that  if  it  is  entangled  it  may  drag  from 
that  point,  and  not  from  the  roots.  The  finest  head 


THE    TOILETTE.  24! 

of  hair  may  be  spoiled  by  the  practice  of  plunging 
the  comb  into  it  high  up  and  dragging  it  in  a 
reckless  manner.  Short,  loose,  broken  hairs  are 
thus  created,  and  become  very  troublesome. 

Do  not  plaster  the  hair  with  oil  or  pomatum. 
A  white,  concrete  oil  pertains  naturally  to  the  cov- 
ering of  the  human  head,  but  some  persons  have 
it  in  more  abundance  than  others.  Those  whose 
hair  is  glossy  and  shining  need  nothing  to  render 
it  so ;  but  when  the  hair  is  harsh,  poor  and  dry, 
artificial  lubrication  is  necessary.  Persons  who  per- 
spire freely  or  who  accumulate  scurf  rapidly  re- 
quire it  also. 

Nothing  is  simpler  or  better  in  the  way  of  oil 
than  pure,  unscented  salad  oil,  anc1  in  the  way  of  a 
pomatum  bear's  grease  is  as  pleasant  as  anything. 
Apply  either  with  the  hands  or  keep  a  soft  brush 
for  the  purpose,  but  take  care  not  to  use  the  oil  too 
freely.  An  over-oiled  head  of  hair  is  vulgar  and 
offensive.  So  are  scents  of  any  kind  in  the  oil  ap- 
plied to  the  hair.  It  is  well  also  to  keep  a  piece 
of  flannel  with  which  to  rub  the  hair  at  night  after 
brushing  it,  in  order  to  remove  the  oil  before  lay- 
ing the  head  upon  the  pillow. 

Vinegar  and  water  form  a  good  wash  for  the 
roots  of  the  hair.  Ammonia  diluted  with  water  is 
still  better. 

The  hair-brush  should  also  be  frequently  washed 
in  diluted  ammonia. 

For  removing  scurf  glycerine  diluted  with  a  lit- 

16 


OUR  BEHAVIOR, 


tie  rose-water  will  be  found  of  service.  Any  prep- 
aration of  rosemary  forms  an  agreeable  and  highly 
cleansing  wash. 

The  yolk  of  an  egg  beaten  up  in  warm  water  is 
an  excellent  application  to  the  scalp. 

Many  heads  of  hair  require  nothing  more  in  the 
way  of  wash  than  soap  and  water. 

Beware  of  letting  the  hair  grow  too  long,  as  the 
points  are  apt  to  weaken  and  split.  It  is  well  to 
have  the  ends  clipped  off  once  a  month. 

The  style  of  modern  coiffure  is  so  perpetually 
changing  with  every  breath  of  fashion  that  it  is 
useless  to  say  much  about  it  in  these  pages.  It 
may  be  well  to  hint  that  when  fashion  ordains  ex- 
travagance in  style  of  wearing  the  hair  or  in  the 
abundance  of  false  locks,  the  lady  of  refinement  will 
follow  her  mandates  only  at  a  distance,  and  will  sup- 
plement the  locks  with  which  Nature  has  provided 
her  only  so  far  as  is  absolutely  required  to  prevent 
her  presenting  a  singular  appearance. 

Young  girls  should  wear  their  hair  cut  short  until 
they  are  grown  up  if  they  would  have  it  then  in  its 
best  condition. 

Do  not  by  any  means  use  any  dyes  or  advertised 
nostrums  to  preserve  or  change  the  color  of  the 
hair,  or  to  prevent  it  from  falling  out  or  to  curl  it. 
They  are  one  and  all  objectionable,  containing  more 
or  less  poison,  some  of  them  even  sowing  the  germ^ 
of  paralysis  or  of  blindness. 

A  serious  objection  to  dyeing  the  hair  is  that  it  is 


THE    TOILETTE.  243 

almost  impossible  to  give  the  hair  a  tint  which  har- 
monizes with  the  complexion. 

If  the  hair  begins  to  change  early  and  the  color 
goes  in  patches,  procure  from  the  druggist's  a  prep- 
aration of  the  husk  of  the  walnut  water  or  eau  crayon. 
This  will  by  daily  application  darken  the  tint  of  the 
hair  without  actually  dyeing  it.  When  the  change 
of  color  has  gone  on  to  any  great  extent,  it  is  better 
to  abandon  the  application  and  put  up  with  the 
change,  which,  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten,  will  be  in 
accordance  with  the  change  in  the  face.  Indeed, 
there  is  nothing  more  beautiful  than  soft  white 
hair  worn  in  plain  bands  or  clustering  curls  about 
the  face. 

The  walnut-water  may  be  used  for  toning  down 
too  red  hair. 

Gentlemen  are  more  liable  to  baldness  than 
ladies,  owing,  no  doubt,  to  the  use  of  the  close 
hat,  which  confines  and  overheats  the  head.  It 
may  be  considered,  perhaps,  as  a  sort  of  punishment 
for  disregarding  one  of  the  most  imperative  rules  of 
politeness,  to  always  remove  the  hat  in  the  presence 
of  ladies,  the  observance  of  which  would  keep  the 
head  cool  and  well  aired. 

If  the  hair  is  found  to  be  falling  out,  the  first  thing 
to  do  is  to  look  to  the  hat  and  see  that  it  is  light  and 
thoroughly  ventilated.  There  is  no  greater  enemy 
to  the  hair  than  the  silk  dress-hat.  The  single  eye- 
let-hole through  the  top  does  not  secure  sufficient 
circulation  of  air  for  the  health  of  the  head.  It  is 


244  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

best  to  lay  this  hat  aside  altogethei  and  adopt  a 
light  straw  in  its  place. 

It  would,  no  doubt,  be  to  the  advantage  of  men 
if  they  would  take  to  going  out  in  the  open  air 
bareheaded.  Women  think  nothing  of  stepping  out 
of  doors  with  head  uncovered,  men  scarcely  ever 
do  it.  We  are  of  opinion  that  if  the  health  of  the 
brain  and  hair  is  to  be  paramount  we  should  learn 
to  consider  hats  and  bonnets,  and  especially  hats, 
as  worn  merely  as  hostages  to  the  proprieties,  and 
not  at  all  as  necessities,  while  we  should  seek  to 
do  without  them  on  every  possible  occasion,  in 
doors  and  out. 

It  is  conceded  that  artists  and  musicians  may  wear 
their  hair  long  if  they  choose,  but  it  is  imperative 
upon  all  other  gentlemen  to  cut  their  hair  short. 
Long  hair  on  a  man  not  of  the  privileged  class 
above  named  will  indicate  him  to  the  observer  as  a 
person  of  unbalanced  mind  and  unpleasantly  erratic 
character — a  man,  in  brief,  who  seeks  to  impress 
others  with  the  fact  that  he  is  eccentric,  something 
which  a  really  eccentric  person  never  attempts. 

THE  BEARD. 

Those  who  shave  should  be  careful  to  do  so  every 
morning.  Nothing  looks  worse  than  a  stubbly  beard. 
Some  persons  whose  beards  are  strong  should  shave 
twice  a  day,  especially  if  they  are  going  to  a  party 
in  the  evening. 

The  style  of  hair  on  the  face  should  be  governed 


THE    TOILETTE.  24$ 

by  the  character  of  the  face.  Some  people  wear  the 
full  beard,  not  shaving  at  all ;  others  long  Cardigan 
whiskers ;  some  moustache  and  whiskers  or  mutton- 
chop  whiskers,  or  the  long,  flowing  moustache  and 
imperial  of  Victor  Emmanuel,  or  the  spiky  moustache 
of  the  late  emperor  of  the  French.  But  whatever 
the  style  be,  the  great  point  is  to  keep  it  well  brushed 
and  trimmed  and  to  avoid  any  appearance  of  wild- 
ness  or  inattention.  The  full,  flowing  beard  of  course 
requires  more  looking  after,  in  the  way  of  cleanliness, 
than  any  other.  It  should  be  thoroughly  washed 
and  brushed  at  least  twice  a  day,  as  dust  is  sure  to 
accumulate  in  it,  and  it  is  very  easy  to  suffer  it  to 
become  objectionable  to  one's  self  as  well  as  to  oth- 
ers. If  it  is  naturally  glossy,  it  is  better  to  avoid  the 
use  of  oil  or  pomatum. 

The  moustache  should  be  worn  neatly  and  not 
over-large. 

In  conclusion,  our  advice  to  those  who  shave 
is  like  Punch's  advice  to  those  about  to  marry: 
"Don't!"  There  is  nothing  that  so  adds  to  native 
manliness  as  the  full  beard  if  carefully  and  neatly 
kept.  Nature  certainly  knows  best;  and  no  man 
need  be  ashamed  of  showing  his  manhood  in  the 
hair  of  his  face. 

The  person  who  invented  razors  libeled  nature  and 
added  a  fresh  misery  to  the  days  of  man.  "Ah," 
said  Diogenes,  who  would  never  consent  to  be 
shaved,  "  would  you  insinuate  that  Nature  had  done 
better  to  make  you  a  woman  than  a  man?"  We 


246  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

forgive  the  covert  sneer  at  womanhood  in  consider- 
ation of  the  defence  of  the  beard  which  it  implies. 

THE  HAND. 

A  beautiful  hand  is  long  and  slender,  with  taper- 
ing fingers  and  pink,  filbert-shaped  nails.  The  hand, 
to  be  in  proper  proportion  to  the  rest  of  the  body, 
should  be  as  long  as  from  the  point  of  the  chin  to 
the  edge  of  the  hair  on  the  forehead. 

The  hands  should  be  kept  scrupulously  clean,  and 
therefore  should  be  very  frequently  washed — not 
merely  rinsed  in  soap  and  water,  but  thoroughly 
lathered,  and  scrubbed  with  a  soft  nail-brush.  In 
cold  weather  the  use  of  lukewarm  water  is  unobjec- 
tionable, after  which  the  hands  should  be  dipped 
into  cold  water  and  very  carefully  dried  on  a  fine 
towel. 

Be  careful  always  to  dry  the  hands  thoroughly,  and 
rub  them  briskly  for  some  time  afterward.  When 
this  is  not  sufficiently  attended  to  in  cold  weather, 
the  hands  chap  and  crack.  When  this  occurs,  rub 
a  few  drops  of  honey  over  them  when  dry,  or 
anoint  them  with  cold  cream  or  glycerine  before 
going  to  bed. 

As  cold  weather  is  the  usual  cause  of  chapped 
hands,  so  the  winter  season  brings  with  it  a  cure  for 
them.  A  thorough  washing  in  snow  and  soap  will 
cure  the  worst  case  of  chapped  hands  and  leave 
them  beautifully  soft. 

Should  you  wish  to  make  your  hands  white  and 


THE    TOILETTE.  247 

delicate,  you  might  wash  them  in  white  milk  and 
water  for  a  day  or  two.  On  retiring  to  rest  rub 
them  well  over  with  some  palm  oil  and  put  on  a 
pair  of  woolen  gloves.  The  hands  should  be  thor- 
oughly washed  with  hot  water  and  soap  the  next 
morning,  and  a  pair  of  soft  leather  gloves  worn  dur- 
ing the  day.  They  should  frequently  be  rubbed 
together  to  promote  circulation. 

Sunburnt  hands  may  be  washed  in  lime-water  or 
lemon-juice. 

Warts,  which  are  more  common  with  young  peo- 
ple than  with  adults,  are  very  unsightly,  and  are 
sometimes  very  difficult  to  get  rid  of.  The  best  plan 
is  to  buy  a  small  stick  of  lunar  caustic,  which  is  sold 
in  a  holder  and  case  at  the  druggist's  for  the  purpose, 
dip  it  in  water,  and  touch  the  wart  every  morning 
and  evening,  care  being  taken  to  cut  away  the  with- 
ered skin  before  repeating  the  operation.  A  still 
better  plan  is  to  apply  acetic  acid  gently  once  a  day 
with  a  camel's-hair  pencil  to  the  summit  of  the 
wart.  Care  should  be  taken  not  to  allow  this  acid 
to  touch  the  surrounding  skin;  to  prevent  this  the 
ringer  or  hand  at  the  base  of  the  wart  may  be  covered 
with  wax  during  the  operation. 

Nothing  is  so  repulsive  as  to  see  a  lady  or  gentle- 
man, however  well  dressed  they  may  otherwise  be, 
with  nails  in  any  degree  shady,  so  that  you  are 
tempted  to  exclaim,  in  the  language  of  the  nurseiy 
poet, 

"  Did  you  ever  behold  such  a  black  little  row?" 


248  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

It  always  results  from  carelessness  and  inattention 
to  the  minor  details  of  the  toilet,  which  is  most  rep- 
rehensible. 

The  nails  should  be  cut  about  once  a  week — cer- 
tainly not  oftener.  This  should  be  accomplished 
just  after  washing,  the  nail  being  softer  at  such  a 
time.  Care  should  be  taken  not  to  cut  them  too 
short,  though,  if  they  are  left  too  long,  they  will 
frequently  get  torn  and  broken.  They  should  be 
nicely  rounded  at  the  corners.  Recollect,  the  filbert- 
shaped  nail  is  considered  the  most  beautiful. 

Never  bite  the  nails  ;  it  not  only  is  a  most  disagree- 
able habit,  but  tends  to  make  the  nails  jagged,  de- 
formed and  difficult  to  clean,  besides  giving  a  red 
and  stumpy  appearance  to  the  finger-tips. 

Some  people  are  troubled  by  the  cuticle  adhering 
to  the  nail  as  it  grows.  This  may  be  pressed  down 
with  the  towel  after  washing;  or  should  that  not 
prove  efficacious,  it  must  be  loosened  round  the  edge 
with  some  blunt  instrument. 

On  no  account  scrape  the  nails  with  a  view  to 
polishing  their  surface.  Such  an  operation  only 
tends  to  make  them  wrinkled. 

Absolute  smallness  of  a  hand  is  not  essential  to 
beauty,  which  requires  that  the  proper  proportions 
should  be  observed  in  the  human  figure.  Many  a 
young  girl  remains  idle  for  fear  her  hand  will  grow 
larger  by  work.  The  folly  of  this  idea  is  only 
equaled  by  that  of  the  Chinese  woman  who  bandages 
the  feet  of  her  daughter  and  does  not  permit  her  to 


FHE    TOILETTE.  249 

lest  her  feet  should  grow  to  the  size  Nature 
intended  them.  What  are  our  hands  made  for  if  not 
for  work?  And  that  hand  which  does  the  most 
work  in  the  world  is  the  hand  most  to  be  honored 
and  to  be  admired.  The  hand  which  remains  small 
through  inaction  is  not  only  not  beautiful,  but  to  be 
despised. 

With  proper  care  the  hand  may  be  retained  beau- 
tiful, soft  and  shapely,  and  yet  perform  its  fair  share 
of  labor.  The  hands  should  always  be  protected  by 
gloves  when  engaged  in  work  calculated  to  injure 
them.  Gloves  are  imperatively  required  for  garden- 
work.  The  hands  should  always  be  washed  care- 
fully and  dried  thoroughly  after  such  labor.  If  they 
are  roughened  by  soap,  rinse  them  in  a  little  vinegar 
or  lemon-juice,  and  they  will  become  soft  and  smooth 
at  once. 

People  afflicted  with  moist  hands  should  revolu- 
tionize their  habits,  take  more  out-door  exercise  and 
more  frequent  baths.  They  should  adopt  a  nutri- 
tious but  not  over-stimulating  diet,  and  perhaps  take 
a  tonic  of  some  sort.  Local  applications  of  starch- 
powder  and  the  juice  of  lemon  may  be  used  to 
advantage. 

THE  FEET. 

If  one  would  see  a  representation  of  a  perfectly- 
formed  foot,  let  him  turn  to  the  pictures  of  Guide 
and  Murillo,  who  probably  had  for  models  the 
shapely  feet  of  Italian  and  Spanish  peasants,  which 
never  had  known  the  bondage  of  a  shoe. 


250  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

If  a  modern  artist  succeeds  in  painting  a  perfect 
foot,  it  must  be  looked  upon  as  the  result  of  inspira- 
tion, for  surely  he  can  find  no  models  among  the 
shoe-tortured,  pinched  and  deformed  feet  of  the  men 
and  women  of  the  present  day. 

The  writer  of  this  book  not  long  since  had  an 
opportunity  to  examine  the  feet  of  a  modern  fashion- 
able lady — feet  which,  encased  in  their  dainty  gaiters, 
were  as  long  and  narrow  and  as  handsomely  shaped 
as  the  most  fastidious  taste  could  require.  But  what 
a  sight  the  bare  foot  presented !  In  its  hideous  de- 
formity there  was  scarcely  a  trace  of  its  original 
natural  shape.  The  forward  portion  of  the  foot  was 
squeezed  and  narrowed,  the  toes  were  pressed  to- 
gether and  moulded  into  the  shape  of  the  narrow 
shoe.  The  ends  of  the  toes,  with  the  nails,  were 
turned  down ;  the  big  toe,  instead  of  standing  a  little 
apart  from  the  others,  was  bent  over  toward  them, 
and  its  outline  formed  one  side  of  a  triangle,  of 
which  the  little  toe  and  the  ends  of  the  intermediate 
toes  were  the  second  side,  and  the  end  of  the  big 
toe  the  junction  of  the  two  sides.  In  addition  to 
this,  the  toes  and  the  ball  of  the  big  toe  were  cov- 
ered with  corns  and  calluses. 

This  deformity  and  disease,  existing,  no  doubt,  in 
many  a  foot,  we  are  called  upon  to  regard  as  beauty 
when  hidden  in  its  encasing  shoe ! 

A  well-formed  foot  is  broad  at  the  sole,  the  toes 
well  spread,  each  separate  toe  perfect  and  rounded 
in  form.  The  nails  are  regular  and  perfect  in  shape 


THE    TOILETTE.  2$  I 

as  those  of  the  fingers.  The  second  toe  projects  a 
little  beyond  the  others,  and  the  first  or  big  toe 
stands  slightly  apart  from  the  rest  and  is  slightly 
lifted,  as  we  see  in  Murillo's  beautiful  picture  of 
the  infant  St.  John. 

A  perfectly-shaped  foot  can  hardly  be  hoped  for 
in  these  days,  when  children's  feet  are  encased  in 
shoes  from  earliest  infancy  and  Nature  is  not  al- 
lowed to  have  her  way  at  all.  In  those  country 
places  where  children  are  allowed  to  run  barefoot 
during  the  summer  there  is  still  some  trace  of 
beauty  left ;  and  instead  of  its  being  regarded  as  a 
misfortune  to  be  thus  deprived  of  feet-covering,  it 
should  be  esteemed  an  advantage. 

The  feet,  from  the  circumstance  of  their  being  so 
much  confined  by  boots  and  shoes,  require  more 
care  in  washing  than  the  rest  of  the  body.  Yet 
they  do  not  always  get  this  care.  "  How  is  it," 
asked  a  French  lady,  "  that  we  are  always  washing 
our  hands,  while  we  never  wash  our  feet?"  We 
trust  this  statement  of  the  case  is  not  quite  true, 
though  we  fear  that  with  some  individuals  it  some- 
what approaches  it.  The  hands  receive  frequent 
washings  every  day.  Once  a  week  is  quite  as 
often  as  many  people  bestow  the  same  attention 
upon  their  feet. 

"  How  dirty  your  hands  are !"  exclaimed  an  as- 
tonished acquaintance  to  Lady  Montague,  whom 
she  met  in  public  with  hands  most  decidedly  un- 
washed. 


OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

"Ah!"  replied  that  lady,  in  a  tone  of  the  utmost 
unconcern ;  "  what  would  you  say  if  you  saw  my 
feet?" 

And  what  would  we  say  if  we  saw  many  people's 
feet?  That  they  needed  washing,  certainly.  A 
tepid  bath,  at  about  80°  or  90°,  should  be  used. 
The  feet  may  remain  in  the  water  about  five  min- 
utes, and  the  instant  they  are  taken  out  they  should 
be  rapidly  and  thoroughly  dried  by  being  well 
rubbed  with  a  coarse  towel.  Sometimes  bran  is 
used  in  the  water. 

Few  things  are  more  invigorating  and  refreshing 
after  a  long  walk  or  getting  wet  in  the  feet  than 
a  tepid  foot-bath,  clean  stockings  and  a  pair  of  easy 
shoes. 

After  the  bath  is  the  time  for  paring  the  toe- 
nails,  as  they  are  so  much  softer  and  more  pliant 
after  having  been  immersed  in  warm  water. 

Some  people  are  troubled  with  moist  or  damp 
feet.  This  complaint  arises  more  particularly  dur- 
ing the  hot  weather  in  summer-time,  and  the  great- 
est care  and  cleanliness  should  be  exercised  in  re- 
spect to  it.  Persons  so  afflicted  should  wash  their 
feet  twice  a  day  in  soap  and  warm  water,  after 
which  they  should  put  on  clean  socks.  Should 
this  fail  to  effect  a  cure,  they  may,  after  being 
washed  as  above,  be  rinsed,  and  then  thoroughly 
rubbed  with  a  mixture  consisting  of  half  a  pint  of 
warm  water  and  three  tablespoonfuls  of  concen- 
trated solution  of  chloride  of  soda. 


THE    TOILETTE. 


People  who  walk  much  are  frequently  afflicted 
with  blisters,  and  many  are  the  plans  adopted  for 
their  prevention.  Some  soap  their  socks,  some  pour 
spirits  in  their  shoes,  others  rub  their  feet  with  glyce- 
rine. The  great  point,  however,  is  to  have  easy, 
well-fitting  boots  and  woolen  socks.  Should  blis- 
ters occur,  a  very  good  plan  is  to  pass  a  large  darn- 
ing-needle threaded  with  worsted  through  the  blis- 
ter lengthwise,  leaving  an  inch  or  so  of  the  thread 
outside  at  each  end.  This  keeps  the  scurf-skin  close 
to  the  true  skin,  and  prevents  any  grit  or  dirt  enter- 
ing. The  thread  absorbs  the  matter,  and  the  old 
skin  remains  till  the  new  one  grows.  A  blister 
should  not  be  punctured  save  in  this  manner,  as  it 
may  degenerate  into  a  sore  and  become  very  trou- 
blesome. 

To  avoid  chilblains  on  the  feet  it  is  necessary  to 
observe  three  rules:  I.  Avoid  getting  the  feet  wet; 
if  they  become  so,  change  the  shoes  and  stockings 
at  once.  2.  Wear  lamb's  wool  socks  or  stockings. 
3.  Never  under  any  circumstances  "toast  your  toes  " 
before  the  fire,  especially  if  you  are  very  cold.  Fre- 
quent bathing  of  the  feet  in  a  strong  solution  of 
alum  is  useful  in  preventing  the  coming  of  chil- 
blains. 

On  the  first  indication  of  any  redness  of  the  toes 
and  sensation  of  itching  it  would  be  well  to  rub 
them  carefully  with  warm  spirits  of  rosemary,  to 
which  a  little  turpentine  has  been  added.  Then  a 
piece  of  lint  soaked  in  camphorated  spirits,  opodel- 


254  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

doc  or  camphor  liniment  may  be  applied  and  re- 
tained on  the  part. 

Should  the  chilblain  break,  dress  it  twice  daily 
with  a  plaster  of  equal  parts  of  lard  and  beeswax, 
with  half  the  quantity  in  weight  of  oil  of  turpentine. 

The  toe-nails  do  not  grow  so  fast  as  the  finger- 
nails, but  they  should  be  looked  after  and  trimmed 
at  least  once  a  fortnight.  They  are  much  more  sub- 
ject to  irregularity  of  growth  than  the  finger-nails, 
owing  to  their  confined  position.  If  the  nails  show 
a  tendency  to  grow  in  at  the  sides,  the  feet  should 
be  bathed  in  hot  water,  pieces  of  lint  be  introduced 
beneath  the  parts  with  an  inward  tendency,  and  the 
nail  itself  scraped  longitudinally. 

Pare  the  toe-nails  squarer  than  those  of  the  fin- 
gers. Keep  them  a  moderate  length — long  enough 
to  protect  the  toe,  but  not  so  long  as  to  cut  holes  in 
the  stockings.  Always  cut  the  nails ;  never  tear 
them,  as  is  too  frequently  the  practice.  Be  careful 
not  to  destroy  the  spongy  substance  below  the  nails, 
as  that  is  the  great  guard  to  prevent  them  going  into 
the  quick. 

It  is  tolerably  safe  to  say  that  those  who  wear 
loose,  easy-fitting  shoes  and  boots  will  never  be 
troubled  with  corns.  Some  people  are  more  liable 
to  corns  than  others,  and  some  will  persist  in 
the  use  of  tightly-fitting  shoes  in  spite  of  corns. 
Though  these  latter  really  deserve  to  suffer,  it  is 
still  our  duty  to  do  what  we  can  to  remove  that 
suffering. 


THE    TOILETTE.  2$$ 

The  remedies  for  this  evil  are  innumerable. 
There  is  no  doubt,  however,  that  corns  are  the  result 
of  undue  pressure  and  friction.  According  to  the  old 
formula,  "  Remove  the  cause,  and  the  effect  will 
cease."  But  how  to  remove  it?  As  a  general 
preventive  against  corns  adopt  the  plan  •  of  having 
several  pairs  of  shoes  or  boots  in  constant  use,  and 
change  every  day.  Each  pair  will  press  on  the  feet 
in  a  different  way.  When  the  corn  has  asserted 
itself,  felt  corn-plasters  may  be  procured  of  the  drug- 
gist, taking  care  that  you  cut  the  aperture  in  them 
large  enough  to  prevent  any  portion  of  them  press- 
ing on  the  edges  of  the  corn.  Before  long  the  corn 
will  disappear. 

The  great  fault  with  modern  shoes  is  that  their 
soles  are  made  too  narrow.  If  one  would  secure 
perfect  healthfulness  of  the  feet,  he  should  go  to  a 
shoemaker  and  step  with  his  stockinged  feet  on  a 
sheet  of  paper.  Let  the  shoemaker  mark  with  a 
pencil  upon  the  paper  the  exact  size  of  his  foot,  and 
then  make  him  a  shoe  whose  sole  shall  be  as  broad 
as  this  outlined  foot. 

Still  more  destructive  of  the  beauty  and  symmetry 
of  our  women's  feet  have  been  the  high,  narrow 
heels  so  much  worn  lately.  They  made  it  difficult 
to  walk,  and  even  in  some  cases  permanently  crip- 
pled the  feet. 

A  shoe,  to  be  comfortable,  should  have  a  broad 
sole  and  a  heel  of  moderate  height,  say  one-half  an 
inch,  as  broad  at  the  bottom  as  at  the  top. 


CHAPTER  II. 

GENERAL   RULES  IN  REGARD    TO  DRESS. 

F'ASHION  is  called  a  despot;  but  if  men  are 
willing — nay,  eager — to  become  its  slaves,  we 
ought  not  to  upbraid  Fashion.  The  worst  of  it  is 
that  the  man  who  rebels  against  Fashion  is  even 
more  open  to  the  imputation  of  vanity  than  he  who 
obeys  her,  because  he  makes  himself  conspicuous 
and  practically  announces  that  he  is  wiser  than  his 
kind.  As  despotic  as  Fashion  may  be,  her  despotism 
is  exceeded  by  the  class  of  persons  who  array  them- 
selves as  distinctively  "anti-fashion."  They  will 
recognize  no  good  in  any  prevailing  style,  nor  will 
they,  if  they  can  help  it,  allow  others  to  do  so. 
Setting  themselves  up  as  the  arbiters  in  taste  and 
health  as  they  pertain  to  dress,  they  do  not  consent 
that  others  shall  exercise  a  like  freedom,  but  insist 
that  all  shall  conform  to  their  standard. 

FOLLOWING  THE  FASHIONS  IN  MODERATION. 

There  cannot  be  greater  vulgarity  than  an  affecta- 
tion of  superior  simplicity  in  dress.  Between  the 
two  extremes  a  man  of  sense  and  modesty  will  only 
follow  fashion  so  far  as  not  to  make  himself  peculiar 
by  opposing  it. 

256 


GENERAL  RULES  IN  REGARD  TO  DRESS.    2$7 

A  sensible  man,  when  fashion  declares  that  coats 
shall  be  cut  off  and  made  into  mere  jackets,  does  not 
immediately  appear  in  the  streets  with  the  shortest 
tail  of  them  all.  He  is  content  to  wear  out  his  old 
coats,  and  only  adopts  the  new  fashion  in  modera- 
tion when  to  do  otherwise  would  make  him  a  marked 
object  wherever  he  went.  When  it  is  ordered  that 
tails  shall  grow  again,  neither  does  he  make  haste  to 
be  seen  with  coat-tails  flapping  about  his  heels,  but  is 
satisfied  with  moderation  in  length,  as  he  was  before 
in  brevity. 

A  sensible  woman,  when  fashion  ordains  that 
braid  upon  braid  shall  be  piled  upon  her  head,  re- 
gardless of  the  scant  supply  with  which  Nature  has 
furnished  her,  may  find  herself  obliged  to  adopt 
false  braids,  but  she  accepts  the  minimum  instead 
of  the  maximum  which  fashion  indicates. 

A  sensible  woman  will  not  go  lank  and  hoopless 
when  prevailing  modes  indicate  great  rotundity  of 
the  skirt.  She  will  use  garniture  moderately  when 
others  adopt  it  profusely ;  she  certainly  will  not  dis- 
card it  entirely.  There  is  one  thing  a  sensible 
woman  will  not  do,  whatever  fashion  may  insist 
upon — she  will  not  allow  her  dress  to  trail  and 
catch  the  mud  and  filth  of  the  street,  though  all 
the  feminine  world  pass  by  her  in  bedraggled 
skirts. 

LADIES'  UNDERCLOTHING. 
In  the  matter  of  underclothing  fashion  does  not 

17 


OUR  BEHAVIOR. 


rule  supreme.  Each  one  is  left  in  a  measure  to 
suit  her  own  taste  and  convenience. 

A  lady's  underclothing  should  always  be  neatly 
made,  fine,  white  and  scrupulously  clean.  If  there 
is  ornament,  let  it  be  delicate  rather  than  showy. 
A  neat  row  of  fine  stitching  is  more  indicative  of  a 
lady  than  a  multitude  of  edgings  and  insertions  of 
imitation  lace  or  cheap  embroidery. 

Both  ladies  and  gentlemen  should  wear  flannel 
underneath  all  their  other  garments,  during  the  win- 
ter at  least.  Some  physicians  say  during  the  sum- 
mer also,  but  that  must  be  optional  with  the  indi- 
vidual. Suitable  underwear  can  be  found  already 
made  at  the  furnishing  stores. 

In  ladies'  apparel,  next  to  this  underwear  comes 
the  chemise  and  drawers,  or  a  garment  which  is 
made  to  do  service  for  both.  In  some  respects 
this  latter  garment  is  preferable  to  the  two  separate 
garments,  and  is  in  common  use  in  Europe,  while 
it  is  being  introduced  here.  It  should  be  made 
with  high  neck  and  long  sleeves,  and  at  the  neck 
may  be  buttons  to  which  to  fasten  the  collar  or  ruff, 
at  the  wrists  buttons  for  cuffs.  This  garment  saves 
the  extra  clothing  around  the  waist,  also  the  binding 
of  the  drawers,  which,  in  order  to  keep  them  in  their 
proper  place,  are  apt  to  be  fastened  too  tightly, 
and  thus  sensibly  interfere  with  the  functions  of  the 
body. 

Next  to  this  come  the  stays,  or  if  they  are  not 
worn  a  waist  which  serves  as  a  skirt-supporter.  If 


GENERAL  RULES  IN  REGARD  TO  DRESS.    259 

stays  are  worn,  they  should  never  be  laced  tightly, 
should  always  have  shoulder-straps  of  some  sort, 
and  the  bones  and  steels  which  stiffen  them  should 
be  few  and  flexible  as  possible. 

The  waist,  if  adopted  instead  of  stays,  should  fit 
the  body  loosely  and  have  rows  of  buttons  around 
the  waist  by  which  to  suspend  all  the  skirts  which 
may  be  worn,  so  that  their  weight  shall  depend  from 
the  shoulders  instead  of  resting  upon  the  hips. 
This  is  an  important  matter;  and  mothers  should  see 
to  it  that  their  young  daughters'  garments  are  prop- 
erly arranged  in  this  respect  if  they  would  have 
them  escape  the  illnesses  to  which  women  are  pecu- 
liarly subject.  As  few  skirts  should  be  worn  as  pos- 
sible, the  required  warmth  being  supplied  by  added 
clothing  upon  the  limbs. 

OUTER  DRESSES. 

Concerning  outer  dresses  there  can  be  no  special 
directions  given  save  that  every  true  lady,  while  she 
conforms  sufficiently  to  the  fashion  not  to  be  con- 
spicuous, at  the  same  time  avoids  all  its  absurdities. 
Of  dress  for  separate  occasions  we  will  speak  in  de- 
tail further  on. 

GENTLEMEN'S  UNDERWEAR. 

A  gentleman  may  wear  colored  shirts  in  the 
morning,  but  they  should  never  be  of  glaring  colors 
nor  conspicuous  patterns.  With  a  colored  shirt  a 
white  collar  and  wristbands  should  always  be  worn. 


260  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

There  are  few  general  directions  to  be  given  con- 
cerning a  gentleman's  underwear.  Gentlemen  find 
these  articles  prepared  ready  to  their  hand  at  the 
furnishing  stores,  and  are  not  obliged  to  give  the 
same  thought  and  attention  to  them  that  ladies  are. 

APPROPRIATE  DRESS. 

Ladies  and  gentlemen  will  always  dress  according 
to  their  age,  their  pecuniary  circumstances,  the  hour 
of  the  day,  the  special  occasion  and  their  surround- 
ings. For  an  old  person  to  assume  the  light  colors 
and  the  simplicity  of  youth  is  no' more  incongruous 
than  for  the  young  to  put  on  the  richness  of  dress 
and  abundant  jewelry  belonging  to  advanced  life. 

One  does  not  come  down  in  full  dress  to  breakfast, 
nor  wear  a  wrapper  or  shooting-jacket  to  a  ceremo- 
nious dinner.  A  rich  man  may  be  forgiven  for  wear* 
ing  a  threadbare  coat,  but  a  poor  man  is  inexcusable 
for  appearing  in  fine  broadcloth  and  dressing  his 
wife  and  daughters  in  silks,  velvets  and  diamonds. 
One  should  not  go  in  mourning  to  a  wedding,  nor 
don  light  colors  for  a  funeral.  Nor  need  one  in  a 
neighborhood  of  unusual  simplicity  appear  adorned 
in  the  very  height  of  the  latest  fashions.  All  these 
things  would  be  vulgarities  and  indicate  the  doer  as 
devoid  of  good  breeding,  if  not  of  good  sense. 

General  rules  may  be  laid  down  in  regard  to  dress 
which  will  apply  to  all  persons,  «all  places  and  all 
seasons. 

It  is  the  duty  of  every  one  to  dress  well  and  be- 


GENERAL  RULES  IN  REGARD  TO  DA  ESS.   26 1 

comingly.  Dress  has  much  to  do  with  the  estima- 
tion in  which  others  hold  us.  And  there  aie  few  if 
any  of  us  who  do  not  feel  more  at  ease  and  possess 
more  self-confidence  with  the  consciousness  that  we 
are  becomingly  and  appropriately  dressed. 

COLORS  IN  DRESS. 

Sir  Joshua  Reynolds  says,  • "  Color  is  the  last 
attainment  of  excellence  in  every  school  of  painting." 
And  the  same  may  be  said  in  regard  to  the  art  of 
using  colors  in  dress.  Nevertheless,  it  is  the  first 
thing  to  which  we  should  give  our  attention  and 
study. 

We  put  bright  colors  upon  our  little  children,  we 
dress  our  young  girls  in  light  and  delicate  shades, 
the  blooming  matron  is  justified  in  adopting  the 
warm,  rich  hues  which  we  see  in  the  autumn  leaf, 
while  black  and  neutral  tints  are  declared  appropriate 
to  the  old.  This  is  all  right,  and  forms  the  basis 
upon  which  to  build  our  structure  of  color. 

Having  decided  what  colors  may  be  worn,  it  is 
next  in  importance  to  know  how  they  may  be  worn. 
One  color  should  predominate  in  the  dress ;  and  if 
another  is  adopted,  it  should  be  in  a  limited  quantity 
and  only  by  way  of  contrast  or  harmony.  Some 
colors  may  never,  under  any  circumstances,  be  worn 
together,  because  they  produce  positive  discord  to 
the  eye.  If  the  dress  be  blue,  red  should  never  be 
introduced  by  way  of  trimming,  or  vice  versa.  Red 
and  blue,  red  and  yellow,  blue  and  yellow,  and  scar- 


262  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

let  and  crimson  may  never  be  united  in  the  same 
costume.  If  the  dress  be  red,  green  may  be  intro- 
duced in  a  minute  quantity ;  if  blue,  orange ;  if  green, 
crimson.  Scarlet  and  solferino  are  deadly  enemies, 
each  killing  the  other  whenever  they  meet. 

Two  contrasting  colors,  such  as  red  and  green, 
may  not  be  used  in  equal  quantities  in  the  dress,  as 
they  are  both  so  positive  in  tone  that  they  divide 
and  distract  the  attention.  When  two  colors  are 
worn  in  any  quantity,  one  must  approach  a  neutral 
tint,  such  as  gray  or  drab.  Black  may  be  worn  with 
any  color,  though  it  looks  best  with  the  lighter 
shades  of  the  different  colors.  White  may  also  be 
worn  with  any  color,  though  it  looks  best  with  the 
darker  tones.  Thus  white  and  crimson,  black  and 
pink,  each  contrast  better  and  have  a  richer  effect 
than  though  the  black  were  united  with  the  crimson 
and  the  white  with  the  pink.  Drab,  being  a  shade 
of  no  color  between  black  and  white,  may  be  worn 
with  equal  effect  with  all. 

A  person  of  very  fair,  delicate  complexion  should 
always  wear  the  most  delicate  of  tints,  such  as  light 
blue,  mauve  and  pea-green.  A  brunette  requires 
bright  colors,  such  as  scarlet  and  orange,  to  bring 
out  the  brilliant  tints  in  her  complexion.  A  florid 
face  and  auburn  hair  call  for  blue. 

There  are  many  shades  of  complexions  which 
cannot  be  described  here,  the  peculiar  colors  to  suit 
which  can  only  be  discovered  by  actual  experiment; 
and  if  the  persons  with  these  various  complexions 


GENERAL  RULES  IN  REGARD  TO  DRESS.    263 

cannot  judge  for  themselves,  they  must  seek  the 
opinion  of  some  acquaintance  with  an  artistically 
trained  eye. 

Black  hair  has  its  color  and  depth  enhanced  by 
scarlet,  orange  or  white,  and  will  bear  diamonds, 
pearls  or  lustreless  gold. 

Dark-brown  hair  will  bear  light  blue,  or  dark  blue 
in  a  lesser  quantity. 

If  the  hair  has  no  richness  of  coloring,  a  pale, 
yellowish  green  will  by  reflection  produce  the  lack- 
ing warm  tint. 

Light-brown  hair  requires  blue,  which  sets  off  to 
advantage  the  golden  tint. 

Pure  golden  or  yellow  hair  needs  blue,  and  its 
beauty  is  also  increased  by  the  addition  of  pearls  or 
white  flowers. 

Auburn  hair,  if  verging  on  the  red,  needs  scarlet 
to  tone  it  down.  If  of  a  golden  red,  blue,  green, 
purple  or  black  will  bring  out  the  richness  of  its 
tints. 

Flaxen  hair  requires  blue. 

MATERIAL  FOR  DRESS. 

The  material  for  dress  must  be  selected  with  ref- 
erence to  the  purpose  which  it  is  to  serve.  No  one 
buys  a  yellow  satin  dress  for  the  promenade,  yet  a 
yellow  satin  seen  by  gaslight  is  beautiful  as  an  even- 
ing-dress. Neither  would  one  buy  a  heavy  serge  of 
neutral  tint  for  an  opera-dress. 


264  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

SIZE  IN  RELATION  TO  DRESS  AND  COLORS. 

A  small  person  may  dress  in  light  colors  which 
would  be  simply  ridiculous  on  a  person  of  larger 
proportions.  So  a  lady  of  majestic  appearance 
should  never  wear  white,  but  will  be  seen  to  the 
best  advantage  in  black  or  dark  tints.  A  lady  of 
diminutive  stature  is  dressed  in  bad  taste  when  she 
appears  in  a  garment  with  large  figures,  plaids  or 
stripes.  Neither  should  a  lady  of  large  proportions 
be  seen  in  similar  garments,  because,  united  with  her 
size,  they  give  her  a  "  loud  "  appearance.  Indeed, 
pronounced  figures  and  broad  stripes  and  plaids  are 
never  in  perfect  taste,  whatever  a  capricious  fashion 
may  say  in  the  matter. 

Heavy,  rich  materials  suit  a  tall  figure,  while  light 
full  draperies  should  only  be  worn  by  those  of  slen- 
der proportions  and  not  too  short.  The  very  short 
and  stout  must  be  content  with  meagre  drapery 
and  quiet  colors. 

Tall  and  slim  persons  should  avoid  stripes,  short, 
chunky  ones  flounces  or  any  horizontal  trimming 
of  the  dress  which,  by  breaking  the  outline  from 
the  waist  to  the  feet,  produces  an  effect  of  short- 
ening. 


CHAPTER   III. 

MORNING-DRESS  FOR  HOUSE  AND  STREET. 

A  LADY  may  appear  in  a  wrapper  in  the  morn- 
ing, but  it  should  be  clean  and  fresh,  and  sup- 
plemented with  spotless  collar  and  cuffs,  and  with  a 
bright  knot  of  ribbon  or  bunch  of  flowers  at  the 
throat.  No  jewelry  should  be  worn  at  this  hour  of 
the  day  save  plain  rings,  brooch  and  watch  and 
chain. 

MORNING-DRESS  FOR  HOME. 

A  dress  for  morning  wear  at  home  may  be  simpler 
than  for  visiting  or  for  hotel  or  boarding-house.  A 
busy  housewife  will  find  it  desirable  to  protect  her 
dress  with  an  ample  apron.  The  hair  should  be 
plainly  arranged,  without  ornament. 

MORNING-DRESS  FOR  VISITOR. 

For  breakfasting  in  public  or  at  the  house  of  an- 
other the  loose  wrapper  is  inadmissible.  A  dress 
with  a  closely-fitting  waist  must  take  its  place.  This 
for  summer  may  be  of  cambric,  pique,  marseilles,  or 
other  wash-goods,  either  white  or  figured ;  in  winter 
plain  woollen  goods,  simply  made  and  quietly  trim- 
med, should  be  adopted. 

265 


266  '    OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

Breakfast-caps  daintily  made  of  lace  may  be  worn, 
but  they  must  not  serve  as  an  excuse  for  uncombed 
or  carelessly  arranged  hair. 

MORNING-DRESS   FOR   STREET. 

The  morning-dress  for  the  street  should  be  quiet 
in  color,  plainly  made  and  of  serviceable  material. 
The  dress  should  be  short  enough  to  clear  the 
ground  without  collecting  mud  and  garbage.  White 
skirts  are  out  of  place,  the  colored  ones  now  found 
everywhere  in  furnishing  and  other  stores  being 
much  more  appropriate. 

Jewelry  is  entirely  out  of  place  in  any  of  the  semi- 
business  errands  which  take  a  lady  from  her  home 
in  the  morning.  Lisle  thread  gloves  in  summer  and 
cloth  ones  in  winter  will  be  found  more  serviceable 
than  kid  ones.  Linen  collar  and  cuffs  are  more  suit- 
able than  elaborate  neck  and  wrist  dressing.  Street 
walking-boots  of  kid  should  be  worn. 

The  bonnet  or  hat  should  be  quiet  and  inex- 
pensive, matching  the  dress  as  nearly  as  possible, 
and  displaying  no  superfluous  ornament. 

In  stormy  weather  a  large  waterproof  with  hood 
will  be  found  more  convenient  than  an  umbrella, 
which  is  always  troublesome  to  carry  and  often  dif- 
ficult to  manage. 

BUSINESS  WOMAN'S  DRESS. 

There  are  so  many  women  who  are  engaged  in 
literature,  art  or  business  of  some  sort  that  it 


MORNING-DRESS.  267 

seems  really  necessary  that  they  should  have  a  dis- 
tinctive dress  suited  to  their  special  needs.  This 
dress  need  not  be  so  peculiar  as  to  mark  them  out 
for  objects  of  observation  wherever  they  go,  but 
still  it  should  differ  somewhat  from  the  ordinary 
walking-costume  of  the  sex.  Its  material  should, 
as  a  rule,  be  more  serviceable,  better  fitted  to  en- 
dure the  vicissitudes  of  weather,  and  of  quiet  colors, 
such  as  browns  or  grays,  not  easily  soiled. 

This  costume  must  not  be  made  with  quite 
Quaker-like  simplicity,  but  it  should  at  least  dis- 
pense with  all  superfluities  in  the  way  of  trimming 
— puffs  which  crush  and  crumple,  bows  which  are 
in  the  way,  and  heavy  flounces  which  weigh  down 
the  skirt.  It  ought  to  be  made  with  special  refer- 
ence to  easy  locomotion  and  to  the  free  use  of  the 
hands  and  arms. 

Linen  cuffs  and  collar  are  best  suited  to  this 
dress,  gloves  which  can  be  easily  removed,  street 
walking-boots  and  no  jewelry  save  plain  cuff-but- 
tons, brooch  and  the  indispensable  adjunct  of  the 
business  woman,  a  watch  and  chain.  The  hat  or 
bonnet  should  be  neat  and  pretty,  but  with  few 
flowers  or  feathers  to  be  wilted  or  drooped  by  the 
first  falling  shower. 

For  winter  wear  waterproof  tastefully  made  up  is 
the  very  best  material  for  a  business  woman's  dress. 

THE  PROMENADE. 
The  dress  for  the  promenade  admits  of  greater 


268  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

richness  in  material,  brilliancy  in  color  and  variety 
in  trimming  than  that  of  the  business-  or  errand- 
dress.  It  should,  however,  display  no  two  incon- 
gruous colors,  and  had  best  be  in  one  tint,  except 
where  a  contrasting  or  harmonizing  color  is  intro- 
duced in  the  way  of  ornament,  in  a  bow  at  the  neck 
or  a  flower  upon  the  hat. 

The  dress  for  the  promenade  should  be  in  perfect 
harmony  with  itself.  One  article  should  not  be  new 
and  another  shabby.  The  gloves  may  not  be  of  one 
color,  the  bonnet  of  another,  and  the  parasol  of  a 
third.  All  the  colors  worn  should  at  least  harmonize 
if  they  are  not  strictly  identical. 

The  collars  and  cuffs  must  be  of  lace,  the  gloves 
of  kid,  selected  to  harmonize  or  contrast  with  the 
leading  color  of  the  dress,  and  perfect  in  fit.  No 
jewelry  should  be  worn  save  cuff-buttons,  bracelets 
and  ear-rings  of  plain  gold,  a  watch-chain  and  hand 
some  brooch. 

The  material  of  a  walking-suit  may  be  as  rich  or 
as  plain  as  the  wearer's  taste  may  dictate  or  means 
justify,  but  it  must  always  be  well  made  and  never 
be  allowed  to  grow  shabby.  It  is  better  to  avoid 
bright  colors  and  use  them  only  in  decoration. 
Black  has  come  to  be  adopted  very  generally  for 
street-dresses  ;  but  while  it  is  becoming  for  most  in- 
dividuals, it  gives  to  the  promenade  a  somewhat 
sombre  look. 

In  the  country  walking-dresses  must  be  made  for 
service  rather  than  display,  and  what  would  be  per- 


MORNING-DRESS.  269 

fectly  appropriate  for  the  streets  of  a  city  would  be 
entirely  out  of  place  on  the  muddy,  unpaved  walks 
or  paths  of  a  small  town  or  among  the  unpretending 
population  of  a  country  neighborhood. 

The  promenade-dress,  whether  for  city  or  country, 
is  always  made  short  enough  to  clear  the  ground. 


CHAPTER    IV. 

RIDING-,  DRIVING-  AND    VISITING-DRESSES. 

A  LADY  who  wishes  to  maintain  a  reputation 
for  always  being  well  dressed  will  be  scrupu- 
lous in  suiting  her  toilet  to  the  special  occasion  for 
which  it  is  worn.  She  will  not  appear  on  foot  upon 
the  streets  in  a  dress  suited  only  for  the  carriage,  nor 
will  she  either  walk  or  drive  in  a  costume  appropriate 
alone  for  the  house. 

CARRIAGE-DRESS. 

The  dress  for  a  drive  through  the  streets  of  a 
city  or  along  a  fashionable  drive  or  park  can  scarcely 
be  too  rich  in  material.  Silks,  velvets  and  laces  are 
all  appropriate,  with  rich  jewelry  and  costly  furs. 

The  carriage-dress  may  be  long  enough  to  trail 
if  fashion  so  indicates,  though  many  prefer  to  use 
the  short  walking-dress  length. 

For  country  driving  a  different  style  of  dress  is 
required  to  protect  against  the  mud  or  dust.  It 
seems  hardly  necessary  to  describe  the  dress  suitable 
for  country  driving,  for  each  lady  is  capable  of  select- 
ing for  herself,  bearing  in  mind  that  the  dress  is  worn 
for  protection  and  not  for  mere  show. 

270 


RIDING;   ETC.,   DRESSES.  2? I 

If  the  lady  drives  herself,  she  will  require  wash- 
leather  or  cloth  gloves,  for  handling  the  reins  will 
ruin  kid  or  thread  ones. 

RIDING-DRESS. 

There  is  no  place  where  a  handsome  woman 
appears  to  better  advantage  than  upon  horseback. 
We  will  take  it  for  granted  that  our  lady  has  acquired 
properly  the  art  of  riding.  Next  she  must  be  pro- 
vided with  a  becoming  habit.  Her  habit  must  fit 
perfectly  without  being  tight.  The  skirt  must  be 
full  and  long  enough  to  well  cover  the  feet,  while  it 
is  best  to  omit  the  extreme  length,  which  subjects 
the  dress  to  mud-spatterings  and  may  prove  a  seri- 
ous entanglement  to  the  feet  in  case  of  accident. 

A  lady  in  donning  the  riding  costume  must  take 
off  all  skirts  and  put  on  drawers  of  the  same  ma- 
terial as  her  habit.  The  boots  must  be  stout  and 
the  gloves  gauntleted. 

Waterproof  is  the  most  serviceable  cloth  for  a 
riding  costume,  though  broadcloth  is  more  dressy. 
Something  lighter  may  be  worn  in  summer.  In  the 
lighter  costume  a  row  or  two  of  shot  must  be 
stitched  in  the  bottom  of  the  breadths  of  the  left  side 
to  keep  the  skirt  from  blowing  up  in  the  wind. 

The  riding-dress  is  usually  made  to  fit  the  waist 
closely  and  button  nearly  to  the  throat.  Above  a 
small  collar  or  reverse  on  the  waist  is  shown  a  plain 
linen  collar,  fastened  at  the  throat  with  bright  or 
black  necktie.  Coat  sleeves  should  come  to  the 


2/2  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

wrist,  with  linen  cuffs  beneath  them.  No  lace  or 
embroidery  is  allowable  in  a  riding  costume. 

It  is  well  to  have  the  waist  attached  to  a  skirt  of 
the  usual  length  and  the  long  skirt  fastened  over  it, 
so  that  if  any  mishap  obliges  the  lady  to  dismount 
she  may  easily  remove  the  long  overskirt  and  still 
be  properly  dressed. 

The  hair  must  be  put  up  compactly,  and  neither 
curls  nor  veil  should  be  allowed  to  stream  in  the 
wind.  No  jewelry  save  that  absolutely  required  to 
fasten  the  dress,  and  that  of  the  plainest  kind,  is 
allowable. 

All  ruffling,  puffing  or  bows  in  the  trimming  of 
a  riding-dress  is  out  of  place.  Trimming,  if  used  at 
all,  must  be  put  on  in  perfectly  flat  bands  or  be  of 
braiding. 

The  shape  of  the  hat  will  vary  with  the  fashion, 
but  it  should  always  be  plainly  trimmed ;  and  if 
feathers  are  worn,  they  must  be  fastened  so  that  the 
wind  cannot  by  any  possibility  blow  them  over  their 
wearer's  eyes. 

VISITING  AND  RECEIVING  CALLS. 

Calls  may  be  made  in  either  walking-  or  carriage- 
dress,  always  provided  the  carriage-dress  is  justified 
by  the  presence  of  the  carriage  itself.  The  dress 
should  be  of  silk,  with  velvet  cloak  in  winter  and 
lace  one  in  summer;  collar  and  cuffs  of  the  finest 
lace,  light  gloves,  a  full-dress  bonnet  and  jewelry  of 
gold,  either  dead,  burnished  or  enameled,  or  of 


RIDING;  ETC.,  DRESSES.  2?$ 

cameo  or  coral.     Glittering  stones  are  not  worn  by 
daylight. 

A  dress  of  black  or  neutral  tint  in  which  light 
colors  are  introduced  only  in  small  quantities  is 
the  most  appropriate  for  a  morning  call,  and  the 
only  one  sure  to  be  in  harmony  with  the  furniture 
and  surroundings  of  the  different  reception-rooms 
against  which  it  must  be  displayed. 

DRESS  FOR  RECEIVING  CALLS. 

The  dress  of  a  hostess  differs  with  the  occasion 
on  which  she  is  called  to  receive  her  guests,  and 
also  with  the  social  position  and  means  of  the 
wearer. 

A  lady  whose  mornings  are  devoted  to  superin- 
tendence of  domestic  affairs  may  and  should  receive 
a  casual  caller  in  her  ordinary  morning-dress,  which 
must  be  neat  yet  plain,  devoid  of  superfluous  orna- 
ments or  jewelry. 

If  a  lady  sets  aside  a  special  day  for  the  reception 
of  calls,  she  must  be  dressed  with  more  care  to  do 
honor  to  her  visitors.  Her  dress  may  be  of  silk  or 
other  goods  suitable  to  the  season  or  to  her  position, 
but  must  be  of  quiet  colors  and  plainly  worn. 

White  plain  linen  collar  and  cuffs  belong  to  the 
plain  morning-dress ;  lace  should  be  worn  with  the 
ceremonious  dress,  and  a  certain  amount  of  jewelry 
is  also  admissible. 

For  New  Year's  or  other  calls  of  special  signifi- 
cance the  dress  should  be  rich,  and  may  be  elabor- 

18 


2/4  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

ately  trimmed.    If  the  parlors  are  closed  and  the  gas 
lighted,  full  evening-dress  is  required. 

DINNER-DRESS. 

We  do  not  in  this  country,  as  in  England,  expose 
the  neck  and  arms  at  a  dinner-party.  These  should 
be  covered,  if  not  by  the  dress  itself,  then  by  lace  or 
muslin  overwaist  or  cape  and  sleeves. 

DRESS  OF  HOSTESS. 

The  hostess'  dress  should  be  rich  in  material,  but 
subdued  in  tone,  in  order  that  she  may  not  eclipse 
any  of  her  guests.  A  young  hostess  should  wear  a 
dress  of  rich  silk,  black  or  dark  in  color,  with  collar 
and  cuffs  of  fine  lace,  and  plain  jewelry  by  daylight, 
or,  if  the  dinner  is  by  gaslight,  glittering  stones. 

An  elderly  lady  may  wear  satin,  moire  antique  or 
velvet,  with  rich  lace.  If  gloves  are  worn  before 
dinner,  they  are  withdrawn  at  the  dinner-table. 

DRESS  OF  GUESTS  AT  DINNER-PARTY. 

The  dress  of  a  guest  at  a  dinner-party  is  less 
showy  than  that  for  evening;  still,  it  maybe  very 
rich.  Silks  and  velvets  for  winter  and  light,  rich 
goods  for  summer,  which  latter  may  be  worn  over 
silk,  are  the  most  appropriate. 

Young  unmarried  ladies  should  wear  dresses  of 
lighter  materials  and  tints  than  married  ones.  Mid- 
dle-aged and  married  ladies  should  wear  silks  heavier 


RIDING;  ETC.,  DRESSES.  2?$ 

in  quality  and   richer  in   tone,  and     elderly  ladies 
satins,  velvets  and  moire  antiques. 

All  the  light  neutral  tints  and  black,  dark  blue, 
purple,  dark  green,  garnet,  brown  and  fawn  are 
suited  for  dinner  wear.  But  whatever  color  the 
dress  may  be,  it  is  best  to  try  its  effect  by  day- 
light and  gaslight  both,  since  many  a  color  which 
will  look  well  in  daylight  may  look  extremely  ugly 
in  artificial  light. 


CHAPTER  V. 
EVENING  COSTUMES. 

NO  matter  how  richly  or  well  dressed  a  lady 
may  appear  in  public,  she  can  lay  no  claim  to 
delicacy  and  refinement  if  she  do  not  give  an  equal 
amount  of  thought  and  attention  to  her  home-dress. 
This  dress  need  not  be  so  expensive  and  should  not 
be  so  elaborate,  but  it  should  be  neat,  tasteful,  of 
perfect  fit  and  of  becoming  colors. 

ORDINARY  EVENING-DRESS. 

A  lady  should  always  be  prepared  for  casual  vis- 
itors in  the  evening.  The  house-dress  should  be 
tasteful  and  becoming,  made  with  a  certain  amount 
of  ornament  and  worn  with  lace  and  jewelry.  Silks 
are  the  most  appropriate  for  this  dress,  but  all  the 
heavy  woolen  dress  fabrics  for  winter  and  the  lighter 
lawns  and  organdies  for  summer,  elegantly  made,  are 
suitable. 

For  winter  the  colors  should  be  rich  and  warm, 
and  knots  of  bright  ribbon  should  be  worn  at  the 
throat  and  in  the  hair.  The  latter  should  be  dressed 
plainly,  with  no  ornament  save  a  ribbon.  Artificial 

276 


EVENING   COSTUMES.  277 

flowers  are  out  of  place,  and  glittering  gems  are  only 
worn  on  more  important  occasions. 

DRESS  FOR  EVENING  CALL. 

t 

Those  who  pay  a  casual  evening  call  will  dress  in 
similar  style,  though  somewhat  more  elaborately. 
More  pains  may  be  taken  with  the  coiffure.  A  hood 
should  not  be  worn  unless  it  is  intended  to  remove 
it  during  the  call.  Otherwise  a  full-dress  bonnet 
must  be  upon  the  head. 

DRESS  FOR  SOCIAL  PARTY. 

For  the  social  evening-party  the  rules  just  given 
regarding  dress  will  apply,  save  that  somewhat  more 
latitude  is  allowed  in  the  choice  of  colors,  material, 
trimmings,  etc.  Dresses  should  be  worn  covering 
the  arms  and  shoulders ;  or  if  they  are  cut  low  in 
the  neck  and  with  short  sleeves,  puffed  illusion 
waists  or  some  similar  device  should  be  employed 
to  cover  the  neck  and  arms. 

Dark  silks  are  very  dressy — relieved  by  white  lace 
and  glittering  gems  are  admirable.  Gloves  may  or 
may  not  be  worn.  If  worn,  they  should  be  white  or 
of  some  light  tint  harmonizing  with  the  dress. 

THE  SOIREE  AND  BALL. 

These  two  occasions  call  for  the  richest  dress. 
The  former  usually  requires  dark,  rich  colors  and 
heavy  material,  the  latter  far  lighter  tints  and  goods. 
The  richest  velvets,  the  brightest  and  most  delicate 


278  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

tints  in  silk,  the  most  expensive  laces,  low  neck  and 
short  sleeves,  elaborate  coiffures,  the  greatest  display 
of  gems,  artificial  flowers  for  the  headdress,  bouquet 
de  corsage  and  ornaments  upon  the  skirt,  natural 
ones  in  the  hand  bouquet,— all  belong  more  or  less 
to  these  occasions. 

Still,  it  is  possible  to  be  over-dressed.  It  is  best  to 
aim  at  being  as  well  dressed  as  the  rest,  yet  not  to 
outdo  others  or  render  one's  self  conspicuous.  A 
lady  must  also  consider  her  years,  her  means,  the 
importance  of  the  occasion,  her  complexion,  size  and 
general  costume  in  selecting  for  herself  a  dress  for 
ball-room  or  soiree. 

The  colors  of  an  evening-dress  should  always  be 
tried  by  gaslight,  for  some  tints  which  are  beautiful 
by  daylight  lose  all  their  character  when  worn  in  the 
evening,  and  look  faded  and  hideous. 

White  kid  gloves  and  white  satin  boots  always 
belong  to  these  costumes  unless  the  overdress  is  of 
black  lace,  when  black  satin  boots  or  slippers  are 
required. 

It  is  impossible  to  give  any  special  directions 
concerning  these  dresses,  as  fashion  is  so  constantly 
changing;  and  that  style  which  is  acceptable  one 
season  is  entirely  out  of  date  another. 


CHAPTER   VI. 

COSTUMES  FOR  PUBLIC  PLACES, 

THE  dress  worn  in  public  must  always  be  suited 
to  the  special  place  where  it  is  to  appear.    Thus, 
for  church  the  material  should  be  rich  rather  than 
showy.     For  the  opera  the  extreme  of  brilliancy  is 
allowable. 

DRESS  FOR  CHURCH. 

The  dress  for  church  should  be  characterized  by 
plainness  and  simplicity.  It  should  be  of  dark,  quiet 
colors  for  winter,  and  there  should  be  no  superfluous 
trimming  or  jewelry.  It  should,  in  fact,  be  the 
plainest  of  promenade-dresses,  since  church  is  not 
intended  as  a  place  for  the  display  of  elaborate  toi- 
lets, and  as  no  woman  of  consideration  and  right 
feeling  would  wish  to  make  her  own  expensive  and 
showy  toilet  an  excuse  to  another  woman,  who  could 
not  afford  to  dress  in  a  similar  manner,  for  not  attend- 
ing divine  worship. 

DRESS  FOR  THE  THEATRE. 

The  ordinary  promenade-dress  is  the  suitable  one 
for  the  theatre,  with  the  addition  of  a  handsome 

279 


280  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

shawl  or  cloak,  which  may  be  thrown  aside  if  it  be- 
come uncomfortable.  Either  the  bonnet  or  hat  may 
be  worn.  In  some  cities  it  is  customary  to  remove 
the  bonnet  in  the  theatre — a  custom  which  is  sanc- 
tioned by  good  sense  and  a  kind  consideration  of 
those  who  sit  behind,  but  which  has  not  yet  the  au- 
thority of  etiquette.  The  dress  should  be,  in  all 
respects,  quiet  and  plain,  without  any  attempt  at  dis- 
play. Gloves  should  be  dark,  harmonizing  with  the 
costume. 

DRESS  FOR  LECTURE  AND  CONCERT. 

Lecture-  and  concert-halls  call  for  a  little  more 
elaboration  in  toilet.  Silk  is  the  most  appropriate 
material  for  the  dress,  and  should  be  worn  with  lace 
collar  and  cuffs  and  jewelry.  If  the  bonnet  is  worn, 
it  should  be  handsome;  and  if  it  is  removed,  the 
coiffure  should  be  somewhat  elaborately  made,  with 
either  ribbons  or  flowers.  White  or  light  kid  gloves 
should  be  upon  the  hands.  A  rich  shawl  or  velvet 
promenade  cloaK  or  opera  cloak  is  an  appropriate 
finish.  The  latter  may  be  kept  on  the  shoulders 
during  the  evening.  The  handkerchief  should  be 
fine  and  delicate;  the  fan  of  a  color  to  harmonize 
with  the  dress. 

DRESS  FOR  THE  OPERA. 

The  opera  calls  out  the  richest  of  all  costumes. 
The  lady  goes  to  the  opera  not  only  to  see  but  to  be 
seen,  and  her  dress  must  be  adopted  with  a  full  real- 


COSTUMES  FOR  PUBLIC  PLACES.  28 1 

ization  of  the  thousand  gaslights  which  will  bring 
out  its  merits  and  defects,  and  of  the  hundred  lor- 
gnettes which  will  be  no  less  spying. 

The  material  of  the  dress  should  be  heavy  enough 
to  bear  the  crush  of  the  place,  rich  in  color  and 
splendid  in  its  arrangement  and  trimming.  The 
headdress  should  be  of  flowers,  ribbons,  lace  or 
feathers — whatever  may  be  the  prevailing  style — 
and  the  head  must  be  uncovered.  If,  however,  it  is 
found  necessary  to  have  the  head  protected,  a  bonnet 
of  the  lightest,  daintiest  character  must  be  adopted. 
If  a  bonnet  is  worn,  the  arms  and  neck  must  be 
covered. 

Jewelry  of  the  heaviest  and  richest  description  is 
admissible  in  this  place,  and  there  is  no  occasion 
when  the  glitter  of  gems  will  be  seen  to  better  ad- 
vantage. 

White  kids  or  those  of  light,  delicate  tints  are 
indispensable. 

A  most  important  adjunct  to  an  opera-costume  is 
the  cloak  or  wrap.  This  may  be  white  or  of  some 
brilliant  color.  White  and  gold,  scarlet  and  gold, 
green  and  gold  or  Roman  stripe  are  all  very  ef- 
fective when  worn  with  appropriate  dresses.  White 
ermine  capes  are  beautiful  when  lined  with  white 
satin  or  colored  silk  and  finished  with  heavy  white 
cord  and  tassels. 

Lace,  either  black  or  white,  may  be  adopted  with 
great  advantage  in  an  opera-dress.  Pink,  purple, 
orange  and  most  light  tints  require  black  lace, 


282  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

while  the  neutral  shades  may  be  worn  with  either 
white  or  black. 

Blue  and  yellow  should  both  be  avoided  in  an 
opera-dress,  as  neither  bears  the  light  well.  Green 
requires  gold  as  a  contrasting  color ;  crimson,  black. 

The  lorgnette,  the  fan,  the  bouquet  and  dainty 
handkerchief  must  all  have  due  consideration  and 
be  in  keeping  with  the  other  portions  of  the  dress. 
Thus  a  lady  in  pink  should  avoid  a  bouquet  in  which 
scarlet  flowers  predominate. 

CROQUET  AND  SKATING  COSTUMES. 

Skating  is  to  winter  what  croquet  is  to  summer, 
and  the  requirements  of  their  costumes,  in  all  but 
material,  are  similar.  Both  call  for  a  greater  bril- 
liancy in  coloring  than  any  other  out-of-door  cos- 
tume. They  should  both  be  short,  displaying  a 
handsomely  fitting  but  stout  boot.  Both  should  be 
arranged,  by  the  use  of  close-fitting  sacques,  to  leave 
the  arms  perfectly  free. 

Croquet  gloves  should  be  soft  and  washable ; 
skating  gloves  thick  and  warm.  Kid  is  not  suitable 
on  either  occasion. 

The  hat  for  croquet  should  have  a  broad  brim,  so 
as  to  shield  the  face  from  the  sun  and  render  a  para- 
sol unnecessary. 

Velvet  trimmed  with  fur,  with  turban  hat  of  the 
same,  and  gloves  and  boots  also  fur  bordered,  com- 
bine to  "make  the  most  elegant  skating  costume 
imaginable.  But  any  of  the  soft,  warm,  bright-colored ' 


COSTUMES  FOR  PUBLIC  PLACES.  283 

woolen  fabrics  are  quite  as  suitable,  if  not  so  rich. 
A  costume  of  Scotch  plaid  is  in  excellent  taste.  If 
cold  tints,  such  as  blue  or  green,  are  worn,  they 
should  be  relieved  with  trimmings  of  warm,  dark 
furs.  Silk  is  not  suitable  for  a  skating  costume. 

White  furs  should  only  be  worn  by  experienced 
skaters,  for  they  easily  become  soiled  by  the  noviti- 
ate in  tumbles  upon  the  ice. 

The  boot  should  be  amply  loose,  or  the  wearer 
will  suffer  with  cold  or  frozen  feet. 

COSTUMES  FOR  COUNTRY  AND  SEA-SIDE. 

We  cannot  pretend  to  write  a  full  description  of 
the  wardrobe  which  the  lady  of  fashion  takes,  or 
desires  to  take,  with  her  to  the  country  or  sea-side 
resort.  But  there  are  general  rules  which  apply  to 
many  things,  and  which  all  must  more  or  less  ob- 
serve. Let  the  show  wardrobe  be  ever  so  numerous, 
there  must  be  a  certain  number  of  costumes  suited 
for  ordinary  wear  and  to  do  more  or  less  battle  with 
the  elements.  Thus,  dresses,  while  they  may  be 
somewhat  brighter  in  tint  than  good  taste  would 
justify  in  the  streets  of  a  city,  must  yet  be  durable 
in  quality  and  of  wash  material.  The  brim  of  the 
hat  should  be  broad  to  protect  the  wearer  from  the 
sun.  The  fashion  of  making  hats  of  shirred  muslin 
is  a  very  sensible  one,  as  it  enables  them  to  be  done 
up  when  they  are  soiled.  The  boots  must  be  stout 
and  serviceable.  A  waterproof  is  an  indispensable 
article  to  the  sojourner  at  country  resorts. 


284  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

BATHING  COSTUMES. 

A  bathing-dress  is  best  made  of  flannel.  A  soft 
gray  tint  is  the  prettiest,  as  it  does  not  so  soon  fade 
and  grow  ugly  from  contact  with  the  salt  water.  It 
may  be  trimmed  with  bright  worsted  braid.  The 
best  form  is  the  loose  sacque  or  the  yoke  waist,  both 
of  them  to  be  belted  in  and  falling  about  midway 
between  the  knee  and  the  ankle.  Full  trowsers 
gathered  into  a  band  at  the  ankle,  an  oilskin  cap  to 
protect  the  hair,  which  becomes  harsh  in  the  salt 
water,  and  merino  socks  of  the  color  of  the  dress 
complete  the  costume. 

Any  other  material  than  flannel  becomes  limp  and 
unsightly  after  being  worn  for  a  short  time. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

COSTUMES  FOR   TRAVELING. 

THERE  is  no  time  or  place  where  true  ladyhood 
is  more  plainly  indicated  than  in  traveling.  A 
lady's  traveling  costume  will  be  exquisitely  neat  and 
plain,  without  superfluous  ornament  of  any  kind. 
Jewelry,  artificial  flowers  or  lace  are  out  of  place  on 
either  dress  or  bonnet. 

TRAVELING-DRESS. 

The  first  consideration  in  a  traveling-dress  is  com- 
fort ;  the  second,  protection  from  the  dust  and  stains 
of  travel. 

In  summer,  for  a  short  journey,  a  large  linen 
duster  or  overdress  may  be  put  on  over  the  ordinary 
dress,  and  in  winter  a  waterproof  cloak  may  be  used 
in  the  same  way. 

But  a  lady  making  an  extensive  journey  will  find 
it  convenient  to  have  a  traveling-suit  prepared  ex- 
pressly. Linen  is  still  useful  in  summer,  as  the  dust 
is  so  easily  shaken  from  it  and  it  can  be  readily 
washed.  In  winter  a  waterproof  dress  and  sacque 
are  the  most  serviceable. 

There  are  a  variety  of  materials  especially  adapted 

285 


286  OUR   BEHAVIOR. 

for  traveling  costumes,  of  soft  neutral  tints  and 
smooth  surfaces,  which  do  not  catch  dust.  These 
should  be  made  up  plainly  and  always  quite  short. 

The  underskirts  should  always  be  colored  woolen 
in  winter,  linen  in  summer.  Nothing  displays  vul- 
garity and  want  of  breeding  so  completely  as  the 
white  petticoat  in  traveling. 

Gloves  should  be  of  Lisle  thread  in  summer  and 
cloth  in  winter,  never  of  kid.  Boots  thick  soled, 
stout  and  durable.  The  hat  or  bonnet  must  be 
plainly  trimmed  and  completely  protected  by  a 
large  veil.  Velvet  is  unfit  for  a  traveling-hat,  as  it 
catches  and  retains  the  dust. 

Plain  linen  collar  and  cuffs  finish  the  costume. 
The  hair  should  be  put  up  in  the  plainest  manner 
possible.  Curls  or  fancy  braids  are  inadmissible. 

A  waterproof  and  a  warm  woolen  shawl  are  in- 
dispensable in  traveling.  Also  a  satchel  or  hand- 
basket,  in  which  should  be  kept  a  change  of  col- 
lars, cuffs,  gloves,  handkerchiefs,  towels  and  toilet 
articles.  A  lunch-basket  is  sometimes  desirable. 

A  traveling-dress  should  be  well  supplied  with 
pockets.  The  waterproof  should  have  large  pockets  ; 
so  should  the  sacque.  The  pocket  of  the  dress 
should  be  deep  and  large. 

In  an  underskirt  there  should  be  provided  a 
pocket  in  which  to  carry  all  money  not  needed  for 
immediate  use.  The  latter  may  be  entrusted  to  the 
portemonnaie  in  the  ordinary  pocket,  or  in  the  bosom 
of  the  dress. 


COSTUMES  FOR    TRAWLING.  287 

GOING  TO  EUROPE. 

The  most  sensible  directions  we  have  observed 
for  a  sea-voyage  appeared  recently  in  a  well-known 
paper.  They  are  so  good  that  we  take  the  liberty 
of  transferring  them  to  these  pages.  Even  though 
the  directions  may  not  be  complied  with  to  the  let- 
ter, they  will  serve  as  a  basis  upon  which  to  build 
the  needs  and  requirements  of  a  voyage  across  the 
Atlantic. 

It  should  be  borne  in  mind  that  it  is  desirable 
not  to  be  encumbered  with  too  much  baggage  at 
such  a  time.  It  is  always  troublesome  to  look 
after  and  really  unneeded,  for  one  is  going  where 
all  the  requirements  of  civilized  life  are  to  be  found 
in  abundance,  and  where  one  must  shop,  whether 
there  is  any  need  or  not,  merely  to  be  in  the 
fashion.  Therefore  it  may  be  well  to  create  the 
need,  that  the  shopping  may  be  done  with  a  clear 
conscience.  It  is  not  necessary  to  supply  one's 
self  with  many  changes  of  underclothing  in  travel- 
ing ;  washing  is  always  easily  done  on  the  journey 
at  short  notice. 

We  not  long  since  heard  of  a  lady  who  was  of- 
fered by  her  husband  a  trip  to  Europe  if  she  would 
get  all  her  personal  belongings  into  a  hand-valise. 
She  did  so,  went  and  returned,  and  enjoyed  the 
trip  immensely. 

The  writer  above  referred  to  says :  "  An  elastic 
valise  and  a  hand-satchel,  at  the  side  of  which  is 
strapped  a  waterproof."  are  enough  baggage  to 


288  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

start  with.  "In  the  valise  changes  of  linen,  con- 
sisting of  two  garments,  night-gowns  and  '  angel ' 
drawers.  These  latter  are  made  of  cotton  or  linen, 
and  consist  of  a  waist  cut  like  a  plain  corset-cover, 
but  extending  all  in  one  piece  in  front  with  the 
drawers,  which  button  on  the  side.  Usually  the 
waists  of  these  drawers  are  made  without  sleeves  or 
with  only  a  short  cap  at  the  top  of  the  arm,  but  for 
a  European  trip  it  is  advisable  to  add  sleeves  to  the 
waist,  so  that  cuffs — paper  cuffs  if  preferred — can 
be  buttoned  to  them.  Thus,  in  one  garment  easily 
made,  easily  removed,  and  as  easily  washed  as  a 
chemise,  is  comprised  drawers,  chemise,  corset- 
cover  and  under-sleeves,  the  whole  occupying  no 
more  room  than  any  single  article  of  underwear,  and 
saving  the  trouble  attending  the  care  and  putting  on 
of  many  pieces.  A  gauze  flannel  vest  underneath  is 
perhaps  a  necessary  precaution,  and  ladies  who  wear 
corsets  can  place  them  next  to  this.  Over  these  the 
single  garment  mentioned  adds  all  that  is  required 
in  the  way  of  underwear,  except  two  skirts  and 
small  light  hair-cloth  tournure. 

"  Of  dresses  three  are  required — one  a  traveling- 
dress  of  brown  de  bege,  a  double  calico  wrapper  and 
a  black  or  hair-striped  silk.  The  latter  is  best,  be- 
cause it  is  light,  because  it  does  not  take  dust,  be- 
cause it  does  not  crush  easily  and  because  by  judi- 
cious making  and  management  it  can  be  arranged 
into  several  costumes,  which  will  serve  for  city  sight- 
seeing throughout  the  journey  and  be  good  after- 


COSTUMES  FOR    TRAVELING.  289 

ward  to  bring  home.  Then,  if  there  is  room,  an  old 
black  silk  or  black  alpaca  skirt  may  be  found  useful, 
and  an  embroidered  linen  or  batiste  polonaise  from 
last  summer's  store. 

"Add  to  these  a  black  sash,  a  couple  of  belts,  an 
'umbrella  with  chatelaine  and  requisite  attachments, 
a  pair  of  neat-fitting  boots  and  pair  of  slippers,  some 
cuffs,  small  standing  collars  and  a  few  yards  of  frais- 
ing,  a  striped  or  cheddar  shawl,  a  '  cloud '  for  even- 
ings on  deck,  some  handkerchiefs  and  gray  and 
brown  kid  gloves,  and,  with  a  few  necessary  toilet 
articles,  you  have  an  outfit  that  will  take  you  over 
the  world  and  can  all  be  comprised  in  the  space 
indicated,  leaving  room  for  a  small  whisk  broom, 
essential  to  comfort,  and  a  large  palm-leaf  fan. 

"Stores,  such  as  lemons,  a  bottle  of  glycerine, 
spirits  of  ammonia  and  Florida  water,  which  are 
really  all  that  are  required — the  first  for  sickness, 
the  last  three  for  the  toilet — should  be  packed  in  a 
small  case  or  box  in  such  a  way  that  the  flasks  con- 
taining the  liquid  will  not  come  in  contact  with  the 
fruit.  After  landing  the  box  will  not  be  wanted,  as 
the  lemons  will  have  been  used  and  the  flasks  can 
be  carried  with  dressing-combs  and  the  like  in  the 
satchel." 

19 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

WEDDING-  0  UTFIT. 

THE  costume  of  the  bride  is  of  the  first  import- 
ance in  a  prospective  wedding.  Though  the 
fashions  in  make  and  material  of  the  bride's  dress 
are  constantly  varying,  still  there  are  certain  un- 
changeable rules  regarding  it.  Thus,  a  bride  in  full 
bridal  costume  should  be  entirely  in  white  from  head 
to  foot. 

THE  WEDDING-DRESS. 

Her  dress  may  be  of  silk  heavily  corded,  moire 
antique,  brocade,  satin  or  plain  silk,  of  lace,  merino, 
alpaca,  crape,  lawn  or  muslin.  Her  veil  may  be  of 
lace,  tulle  or  illusion,  but  it  must  be  long  and  full. 
It  may  or  may  not  descend  over  the  face.  The 
flowers  of  the  bridal  wreath  and  bouquet  must  be 
orange  blossoms,  either  natural  or  artificial,  or  other 
white  flowers. 

The  dress  is  high  and  the  arms  are  covered.  No 
jewelry  is  worn  save  diamonds  or  pearls.  Slippers 
of  white  satin  and  gloves  of  kid  complete  the  dress. 

The  style  of  great  simplicity  in  bridal  toilettes, 
adopted  in  continental  Europe,  is  more  commendable 

290 


WEDDING-  O  UTFIT.  29 1 

than  that  of  England  and  America,  where  the  bridal 
dress  is  made  as  expensive  and  as  heavy  with  rich 
and  costly  lace  as  it  is  possible  to  make  it. 

DRESS  OF  BRIDEGROOM. 

The  bridegroom  wears  a  black  or  dark-blue  dress- 
coat,  light  pantaloons,  vest  and  necktie,  and  white 
kid  gloves. 

DRESS  OF  BRIDESMAIDS. 

The  dresses  of  the  bridesmaids  are  less  elaborate 
than  that  of  the  bride.  They  should  be  also  of 
white,  but  they  may  be  trimmed  with  delicately- 
colored  flowers  and  ribbons.  White  tulle  worn  over 
pale  pink  or  blue  silk,  and  caught  up  with  blush- 
roses  or  forget-me-nots,  with  bouquet  de  corsage  and 
hand-bouquet  of  the  same,  makes  a  charming  brides- 
maid's costume. 

The  bridesmaids  may  or  may  not  wear  veils,  but 
in  case  they  wear  them  they  should  be  shorter  than 
that  of  the  bride. 

TRAVELING-DRESS  OF  BRIDE. 

The  traveling-dress  of  a  bride  should  be  of  silk, 
or  of  any  of  the  fine  fabrics  for  walking-dresses. 
It  should  be  of  some  neutral  tint,  and  bonnet  and 
gloves  should  match  in  color.  A  bridal  traveling 
costume  may  be  somewhat  more  elaborately  trim- 
med than  an  ordinary  traveling-dress ;  though,  if  the 
bride  wishes  to  attract  as  little  attention  as  possible, 


292  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

she  will  not  make  herself  conspicuous  by  too  showy 
a  garb. 

A  bride  is  frequently  married  in  traveling  costume ; 
but  when  this  is  the  case,  the  wedding  is  a  private 
one,  and  the  bridal  pair  set  out  at  once  upon  their 
journey. 

SECOND  MARRIAGE  OF  A  WIDOW. 

A  widow  is  never  married  in  white.  Widows  and 
brides  of  middle  age  choose  delicate  neutral  tints, 
with  white  gloves  and  white  lace  collar  and  cuffs. 
The  costumes  of  the  bridesmaids  must  take  their 
tone  from  that  of  the  bride,  and  be  neither  lighter, 
richer  nor  gayer  than  hers. 

Brides  and  bridesmaids  wear  their  wedding- 
dresses  at  the  wedding-reception. 

DRESS  OF  GUESTS  AT  WEDDING-RECEPTION. 

The  guests  at  an  evening  reception  should  wear 
full  evening-dress.  No  one  should  attend  in  black 
or  wear  any  sign  of  mourning.  Those  in  mourning 
lay  aside  black  for  lavender  or  gray. 

For  a  morning  reception  the  dress  should  be  the 
richest  street  costume,  with  white  gloves.  If  at  the 
morning  reception  the  blinds  are  closed  and  the  gas 
lighted,  then  evening-dress  is  worn  by  the  guests. 

THE  TROUSSEAU. 

The  trousseau  may  be  as  large  and  expensive  as 
the  circumstances  of  the  bride  will  justify,  but  this 


WEDDING-OUTFIT.  293 

expense  is  mainly  put  upon  outside  garments.' 
There  are  certain  requisite  articles  which  must  be 
supplie'd  in  a  requisite  number,  and  these  all  brides 
must  have,  and  of  a  certain  similarity  in  general  cha- 
racter and  make.  They  may  be  set  down  as  follows : 

Twelve  chemises,  six  elaborately  trimmed  and  six 
more  plainly  made. 

Twelve  pairs  of  drawers,  made  in  sets  with  the 
chemises,  and  matching  them  in  trimming. 

Six  fine  and  six  plain  night-dresses. 

Six  corset-covers,  three  finely  finished. 

Four  pairs  of  corsets,  one  pair  white  embroidered, 
two  plain  white  and  one  pair  colored,  the  latter  to  be 
used  in  traveling. 

One  dozen  pair  of  fine  thread  hose,  one  dozen  of 
heavy  cotton  and  one  dozen  of  fine  merino  hose  are 
none  too  many. 

Six  trimmed  skirts  and  six  plain  ones. 

Two  balmoral  skirts,  one  handsome  and  the  other 
plain. 

Six  flannel  skirts,  three  of  them  handsomely  em- 
broidered. 

Four  white  dressing-sacques,  two  of  them  of 
flannel. 

Two  loose  wrappers  of  chintz  or  cashmere. 

Six  sets  of  linen  collars  and  cuffs  for  morning 
wear. 

Six  sets  of  lace  or  embroidered  collars  and  cuffs. 

One  dozen  plain  handkerchiefs,  one  dozen  fine 
handkerchiefs  and  six  embroidered  or  lace  trimmed 


294  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

Walking-boots,  gaiters  and  slippers  of  various 
styles. 

Two  pairs  of  white  kid  gloves,  two  of  light  and 
two  of  dark  tints,  with  others  of  thread  and  cloth. 

Of  dresses  there  are  required — morning-dresses, 
walking-suits,  carriage-dresses,  evening-dresses,  one 
traveling-dress,  one  waterproof  suit,  one  very  hand- 
some suit  to  return  bridal  calls,  and  last  but  not 
least  the  bridal-dress,  which  has  already  been  re- 
ferred to.  These  dresses  may  be  multiplied  in 
number  according  to  the  means  and  needs  of  the 
bride. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

MOURNING. 

MANY  sensible  people  have  resolved  to  abjure 
mourning  garments  altogether;  nevertheless, 
as  there  are  a  still  larger  number  who  adopt  it  in  a 
greater  or  less  degree  when  they  are  bereaved  of 
their  friends,  it  may  be  well  to  recount  the  estab- 
lished rules  in  regard  to  it. 

DEEP  MOURNING. 

Deep  mourning  requires  the  heaviest  black  of 
serge,  bombazine,  lustreless  alpaca,  de  laine,  merino 
or  similar  heavy  clinging  material,  with  collar  and 
cuffs  of  crape.  A  widow  wears  a  bonnet-cap  of 
white  tarletan,  known  as  the  "  widow's  cap." 

Mourning  garments  are  made  in  the  severest  sim- 
plicity. They  should  have  little  or  no  trimming ;  no 
flounces,  ruffles  or  bows  are  allowable.  If  the  dress 
is  not  made  en  suite  y  then  a  long  or  square  shawl  of 
barege  or  cashmere  with  crape  border  is  worn. 

The  bonnet  is  of  black  crape ;  a  hat  is  inadmissible. 
The  veil  is  of  crape  or  berege  with  heavy  border. 
Black  gloves  and  black-bordered  handkerchief. 

In  winter  dark  furs  may  be  worn  with  the  deepest 

295 


296  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

mourning.    Jewelry  is  strictly  forbidden,  and  all  pins, 
buckles,  etc.,  must  be  of  jet. 

SECOND  MOURNING. 

Lustreless  alpaca  may  uc  w  orn  in  second  mourn- 
ing, with  white  collar  and  cuffs.  The  crape  veil  is 
laid  aside  for  net  or  tulle,  but  the  jet  jewelry  is  still 
retained. 

LESSER  DEGREES  OF  MOURNING. 

A  still  less  degree  of  mourning  is  indicated  by 
black  and  white,  purple  and  gray,  or  a  combination 
of  these  colors.  Crape  is  still  retained  in  bonnet 
trimming,  and  crape  flowers  may  be  added. 

Light  gray,  white  and  black,  and  light  shades  of 
lilac  indicate  a  slight  mourning.  Black  lace  bonnet 
with  white  or  violet  flowers  supersedes  crape,  and 
jet  and  gold  jewelry  is  worn. 

It  is  poor  economy  to  buy  cheap  and  flimsy  mate- 
rials for  mourning.  Only  the  best  black  goods  wear 
well  without  becoming  rusty  and  shabby.  Foulards 
make  serviceable  half-mourning  dresses,  either  as 
wrappers  or  walking-suits. 

The  following  are  the  rules  laid  down  by  authority 
competent  to  speak  on  these  matters  regarding  the 
proper  degree  of  mourning  and  length  of  time  i< 
should  be  worn : 

"  The  deepest  mourning  is  that  worn  by  a  widow 
for  her  husband.  It  is  worn  for  two  years,  sometimes 
longer.  Widow's  mourning  for  the  first  year  consists 


MOURNING.  297 

of  solid  black  woolen  goods,  collar  and  cuffs  of 
folded,  untrimmed  crape,  a  simple  crape  bonnet  and 
a  long,  thick,  black  crape  veil.  The  second  year, 
silk  trimmed  with  crape,  black  lace  collar  and  cuffs, 
and  a  shorter  veil  may  be  worn,  and  in  the  last  six 
months  gray,  violet  and  white  are  permitted.  A 
widow  should  wear  the  hair  perfectly  plain  if  she 
does  not  wear  a  cap,  and  should  always  wear  a  bon- 
net, never  a  hat. 

"  The  mourning  for  a  father  or  mother  is  worn  for 
one  year.  The  first  six  months  the  proper  dress  is 
of  solid  black  woolen  goods  trimmed  with  crape, 
black  crape  bonnet  with  black  crape  facings  and 
black  strings,  black  crape  veil,  collar  and  cuffs  of 
black  crape.  Three  months,  black  silk  with  crape 
trimming,  white  or  black  lace  collar  and  cuffs,  veil 
of  tulle  and  white  bonnet-facings ;  and  the  last  three 
months  in  gray,  purple  and  violet. 

"  Mourning  worn  for  a  child  is  the  same  as  that 
worn  for  a  parent. 

"  Mourning  for  a  grandparent  is  worn  for  six 
months :  three  months,  black  woolen  goods,  white 
collar  and  cuffs,  short  crape  veil  and  bonnet  of  crape 
trimmed  with  black  silk  or  ribbon;  six  weeks  in 
black  silk  trimmed  with  crape,  lace  collar  and  cuffs, 
short  tulle  veil ;  and  six  weeks  in  gray,  purple,  white 
and  violet. 

"  Mourning  worn  for  a  friend  who  leaves  you  an 
inheritance  is  the  same  as  that  worn  for  a  grand* 
parent. 


298  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

"  Mourning  for  a  brother  or  sister  is  worn  six 
months :  two  months  in  solid  black  trimmed  with 
crape,  white  linen  collar  and  cuffs,  bonnet  of  black 
with  white  facing  and  black  strings ;  two  months  in 
black  silk,  with  white  lace  collar  and  cuffs;  and  two 
months  in  gray,  purple,  white  and  violet. 

"  Mourning  for  an  uncle  or  aunt  is  worn  for  three 
months,  and  is  the  second  mourning  named  above, 
tulle,  white  linen  and  white  bonnet-facings  being 
worn  at  once.  For  a  nephew  or  niece,  the  same  is 
worn  for  the  same  length  of  time. 

"  The  deepest  mourning  excludes  kid  gloves;  they 
should  be  of  cloth,  silk  or  thread ;  and  no  jewelry  is 
permitted  during  the  first  month  of  close  mourning. 
Embroidery,  jet  trimmings,  puffs,  plaits — in  fact,  trim- 
ming of  any  kind — is  forbidden  in  deep  mourning, 
but  worn  when  it  is  lightened. 

"  Mourning  handkerchiefs  should  be  of  very  sheer 
fine  linen,  with  a  border  of  black,  very  wide  for  close 
mourning,  narrower  as  the  black  is  lightened. 

"  Mourning  silks  should  be  perfectly  lustreless, 
and  the  ribbons  worn  without  any  gloss. 

"  Ladies  invited  to  funeral  ceremonies  should 
always  wear  a  black  dress,  even  if  they  are  not  in 
mourning ;  and  it  is  bad  taste  to  appear  with  a  gay 
bonnet  or  shawl,  as  if  for  a  festive  occasion. 

"The  mourning  for  children  under  twelve  years 
of  age  is  white  in  summer  and  gray  in  winter,  with 
black  trimmings,  belt,  sleeve-ruffles  and  bonnet- 
ribbons." 


TOILETTE    RECIPES. 


To  REMOVE  FRECKLES. 

TDREPARE  the  skin  by  spreading  over  it  at 
-L  night  a  paste  composed  of  one  ounce  of  bitter 
almonds,  ditto  of  barley-flour,  and  a  sufficient  quan- 
tity of  honey  to  give  the  paste  consistency.  Wash 
off  in  the  morning,  and  during  the  day  apply  with 
a  camel's-hair  brush  a  lotion  compounded  thus  :  One 
drachm  of  muriatic  acid,  half  a  pint  of  rain-water 
and  a  teaspoonful  of  lavender-water,  mixed. 

At  night  wash  the  skin  with  elder-flower  water, 
and  apply  an  ointment  made  by  simmering  gently 
one  ounce  of  Venice  soap,  quarter  of  an  ounce  of 
deliquated  oil  of  tartar,  and  ditto  of  oil  of  bitter 
almonds.  When  it  acquires  consistency,  three  drops 
of  oil  of  rhodium  may  be  added.  Wash  the  oint- 
ment off  in  the  morning  with  rose-water. 

One  ounce  of  alum,  ditto  of  lemon-juice,  in  a  pint 
of  rose-water. 

Scrape  horseradish  into  a  cup  of  cold  sour  milk ; 
let  it  stand  twelve  hours ;  strain,  and  apply  two  or 
three  times  a  day. 

299 


300  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

Mix  lemon-juice  one  ounce,  powdered  borax 
quarter  of  a  drachm,  sugar  half  a  drachm ;  keep 
for  a  few  days  in  a  glass  bottle  and  apply  occa- 
sionally. 

Muriate  of  ammonia  half  a  drachm,  lavender- 
water  two  drachms,  distilled  water  half  a  pint; 
apply  two  or  three  times  a  day. 

Into  half  a  pint  of  milk  squeeze  the  juice  of  a 
lemon,  with  a  spoonful  of  brandy,  and  boil,  skim- 
ming well.  Add  a  drachm  of  rock  alum. 

To  REMOVE  DISCOLORATION  OF  THE  SKIN. 

Elder-flower  ointment  one  ounce,  sulphate  of  zinc 
twenty  grains ;  mix  well,  and  rub  into  the  affected 
skin  at  night.  In  the  morning  wash  it  off  with 
plenty  of  soap,  and  when  the  grease  is  completely 
removed  apply  the  following  lotion  :  Infusion  of  rose- 
petals  half  a  pint,  citric  acid  thirty  grains.  All  local 
discolorations  will  disappear  under  this  treatment  ; 
and  if  freckles  do  not  entirely  yield,  they  will  in 
most  instances  be  greatly  ameliorated.  Should  any 
unpleasant  irritation  or  roughness  of  the  skin  follow 
the  application,  a  lotion  composed  of  half  a  pint  of 
almond  mixture  and  half  a  drachm  of  Goulard's  ex- 
tract will  afford  immediate  relief. 

To  REMOVE  WRINKLES. 

Melt  white  wax  one  ounce  to  gentle  heat,  and  add 
juice  of  lily  bulbs  two  ounces  and  honey  two  ounces, 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  $01 

rose-water  two  drachms  and  attar  of  roses  a  drop  or 
two.  Use  twice  a  day. 

Use  tepid  water  instead  of  cold  in  ablutions. 

Put  some  powder  of  best  myrrh  upon  an  iron 
plate  sufficiently  heated  to  melt  the  gum  gently, 
and  when  it  liquefies  cover  your  head  with  a  napkin 
and  hold  your  face  over  the  myrrh  at  a  proper  dis- 
tance to  receive  the  fumes  without  inconvenience. 
Do  not  use  it  if  it  causes  headache. 

COLD  CREAM. 

Put  into  a  jar  one  pint  of  sweet-oil,  half  an  ounce 
of  spermaceti  and  two  ounces  of  white  wax.  Melt 
in  a  jar  by  the  fire.  Add  scent. 

Melt  together  a  pint  of  oil  of  sweet  almonds,  one 
ounce  of  white  wax,  half  an  ounce  of  spermaceti 
and  half  a  pint  of  rose-water.  Beat  to  a  paste. 

To  REMOVE  SUNBURN. 

Milk  of  almonds,  obtained  at  the  druggist's,  is  as 
good  a  remedy  as  any  to  use. 

To  CURE  CHILBLAINS. 

When  indications  of  chilblains  first  present  them- 
selves, take  vinegar  three  ounces,  camphorated  spir- 
its of  wine  one  ounce ;  mix  and  rub. 

Rub  with  alum  and  water. 

Put  the  hands  and  feet  two  or  three  times  a  week 


3O2  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

into  warm  water  in  which  two  or  three  handfuls  of 
common  salt  have  been  dissolved. 
Rub  with  a  raw  onion  dipped  in  salt. 

To  PREVENT  THE  HAIR  FROM  FALLING  OFF. 

Vinegar  of  cantharides  half  an  ounce,  eau-de-co- 
logne  one  ounce,  rose-water  one  ounce.  The  scalp 
should  be  brushed  briskly  until  it  becomes  red,  and 
the  lotion  should  then  be  applied  to  the  roots  of  the 
hair  twice  a  day. 

A  quarter  of  a  pint  of  cod-liver  oil,  two  drachms 
of  origanum,  fifteen  drops  of  ambergris,  the  same  of 
musk. 

Boxwood  shavings  six  ounces,  proof  spirits  twelve 
ounces,  spirits  of  rosemary  two  ounces,  spirits  of 
nutmeg  one-half  an  ounce.  Steep  the  boxwood 
shavings  in  the  spirits  for  fourteen  days  at  a  temper- 
ature of  60° ;  strain,  and  add  the  rest. 

HAIR-CURLING  FLUID. 

The  various  fluids  advertised  and  recommended 
for  the  purpose  of  giving  straight  hair  a  tendency  to 
curl  are  all  impositions.  The  only  curling-fluid  of 
any  service  is  a  very  weak  solution  of  isinglass, 
which  will  hold  the  curl  in  the  position  in  which  it 
is  placed  if  care  is  taken  that  it  follows  the  direction 
in  which  the  hair  naturally  falls. 

One  of  the  fluids  in  use  is  made  by  dissolving  a 
small  portion  of  beeswax  in  an  ounce  of  olive  oil 
and  adding  scent  according  to  fancy. 


TOILETTE   RECIPES.  303 

BANDOLINE. 

This  essential  for  the  toilette  is  prepared  in  several 
ways. 

-Simmer  an  ounce  of  quince  seed  in  a  quart  of 
water  for  forty  minutes ;  strain,  cool,  add  a  few  drops 
of  scent,  and  bottle,  corking  tightly. 

Take  of  gum  tragacanth  one  and  a  half  drachms, 
water  half  a  pint,  rectified  spirits  mixed  with  an 
equal  quantity  of  water  three  ounces,  and  a  little 
scent.  Let  the  mixture  stand  for  a  day  or  two,  then 
strain. 

It  may  be  made  of  Iceland  moss,  a  quarter  of  an 
ounce  boiled  in  a  quart  of  water,  and  a  little  rectified 
spirit  added,  so  that  it  may  keep. 

LIP-SALVE. 

This  indispensable  adjunct  to  the  toilette  may  be 
made  by  melting  in  a  jar  placed  in  a  basin  of  boiling 
water  a  quarter  of  an  ounce  each  of  white  wax  and 
spermaceti,  flour  of  benzoin  fifteen  grains,  and  half 
an  ounce  of  oil  of  almonds.  Stir  till  the  mixture  is 
cool.  Color  red  with  a  little  alkanet  root. 

ROSE-WATER. 

Rose-water  may  be  made  by  taking  half  an  ounce 
of  powdered  white  sugar  and  two  drachms  of  mag- 
nesia; with  these  mix  twelve  drops  of  attar  of  roses. 
Add  a  quart  of  water  and  two  ounces  of  alcohol, 
mixed  in  a  gradual  manner,  and  filter  through  blot- 
ting-paper. 


304  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

BURNS. 

An  application  of  cold,  wet  common  whitening, 
placed  on  immediately,  is  recommended  as  an  inval- 
uable remedy. 

STICK  ING-PLASTER. 

Stretch  a  piece  of  black  silk  on  a  wooden  frame, 
and  apply  dissolved  isinglass  to  one  side  of  it  with 
a  brush.  Let  it  dry,  repeat  the  process,  and  then 
cover  with  a  strong  tincture  of  balsam  of  Peru. 

To  ACQUIRE  A  BRIGHT  AND  SMOOTH  SKIN. 

Tepid  bath  and  harsh  towel.  Air  and  exercise. 
Tepid  water  and  bran.  Infuse  wheat-bran,  well 
sifted,  for  four  hours  in  white  wine  vinegar ;  add  to 
it  five  yolks  of  eggs  and  two  grains  of  ambergris,  and 
distill  the  whole.  It  should  be  carefully  corked  for 
twelve  or  fifteen  days.  Constant  application. 

Distill  two  handfuls  of  jessamine  flowers  in  a 
quart  of  rose-water  and  a  quart  of  orange-water. 
Strain  through  porous  paper,  and  add  a  scruple  of 
musk  and  a  scruple  of  ambergris. 

To  IMPROVE  THE  COMPLEXION. 

The  whites  of  four  eggs  boiled  in  rose-water,  half 
an  ounce  of  alum,  half  an  ounce  of  oil  of  sweet 
almonds ;  beat  the  whole  together  until  it  assumes 
the  consistency  of  paste.  Spread  upon  a  silk  or 
muslin  mask,  to  be  worn  at  night. 


TOILETTE   RECIPES.  305 

Take  a  small  piece  of  the  gum  benzoin  and  boil 
it  in  spirits  of  wine  till  it  becomes  a  rich  tincture. 
Fifteen  drops  poured  into  a  glass  of  water ;  wash  and 
leave  to  dry. 

FOR  ROUGHNESS  OF  THE  SKIN. 

Mix  two  parts  of  white  brandy  with  one  part  of 
rose-water,  and  wash  the  face  night  and  morning. 

Take  equal  parts  of  the  seed  of  the  melon,  pump- 
kin, gourd  and  cucumber,  pounded  until  they  are 
reduced  to  powder ;  add  to  it  sufficient  fresh  cream  to 
dilute  the  flour,  and  then  add  milk  enough  to  reduce 
the  whole  to  a  thin  paste.  Add  a  grain  of  musk  and 
a  few  drops  of  the  oil  of  lemon.  Anoint  the  face 
with  this  ;  le.ivc  it  on  twenty  or  thirty  minutes,  or 
over-night  if  convenient,  and  wash  off  with  warm 
water.  It  gives  a  remarkable  purity  and  brightness 
to  the  complexion. 

Steep  the  pimpernel  plant  in  pure  rain-water,  and 
bathe  the  face  with  the  decoction. 

To  SOFTEN  THE  HANDS. 

Take  half  a  pound  of  soft  soap,  a  gill  of  salad 
oil,  an  ounce  of  mutton  tallow,  and  boil  them  till 
they  are  thoroughly  mixed.  After  the  boiling  has 
ceased,  but  before  the  mixture  is  cold,  add  one  gill 
of  spirits  of  wine  and  a  grain  of  musk.  Anoint 
the  hands,  draw  on  gloves,  and  let  them  remain  till 
morning. 

20 


3O6  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

FOR  ROUGH  AND  CHAPPED  HANDS. 

Lemon-juice  three  ounces,  white  wine'  vinegai 
three  ounces,  and  white  brandy  one-half  a  pint. 

To  PREVENT  HAIR  TURNING  GRAY. 

Oxide  of  bismuth  four  drachms,  spermaceti  four 
drachms,  pure  hog's  lard  four  ounces.  Melt  the  two 
last  and  add  the  first. 

To  SOFTEN  AND  BEAUTIFY  THE  HAIR. 

Beat  up  the  whites  of  four  eggs  into  a  froth,  and 
rub  thoroughly  in  close  to  the  roots  of  the  hair. 
Leave  it  to  dry  on.  Then  wash  the  head  and  hair 
clean  with  a  mixture  of  equal  parts  of  rum  and  rose- 
water. 

To  REMOVE  PIMPLES. 

Sulphur-water  one  ounce,  acetated  liquor  of  am- 
monia one-quarter  of  an  ounce,  liquor  of  potassa  one 
grain,  white  wine  vinegar  two  ounces,  distilled  water 
two  ounces.  Bathe  the  face. 

Pimples  are  sometimes  removed  by  frequent  wash- 
ings in  warm  water  and  prolonged  friction  with  a 
coarse  towel. 

To  REMOVE  TAN. 

New  milk  half  a  pint,  lemon-juice  one-fourth  of 
an  ounce,  white  brandy  half  an  ounce.  Boil  the 
whole,  and  skim  clear  from  scum.  Use  night  and 
morning. 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  3O/ 

CHAPPED  LIPS. 

Oil  of  roses  four  ounces,  white  wax  one  ounce, 
spermaceti  one-half  an  ounce.  Melt  in  a  glass 
vessel  and  stir  with  a  wooden  spoon.  Pour  into  a 
glass  or  china  cup. 

CURE  FOR  CORNS. 

Take  nightshade  berries,  boil  them  in  hog's  lard, 
and  anoint  the  corn  with  the  salve. 

One  teaspoonful  of  tar,  one  teaspoonful  of  coarse 
brown  sugar  and  one  teaspoonful  of  saltpetre,  the 
whole  to  be  warmed  together.  Spread  it  on  kip 
leather  the  size  of  the  corns,  and  in  two  days  they 
will  be  drawn  out. 

REMEDY  FOR  BLACK  TEETH. 

Take  equal  parts  of  cream  of  tartar  and  salt; 
pulverize  it  and  mix  it  well.  Then  wash  your 
teeth  in  the  morning,  and  rub  them  with  the 
powder. 

To  CLEAN  THE  TEETH  AND  GUMS. 

Take  one  ounce  of  myrrh  in  fine  powder,  two 
tablespoonfuls  of  honey,  and  a  little  green  sage  in 
very  fine  powder.  Mix  them  well  together,  and 
wet  the  teeth  and  gums  with  a  little  every  night  and 
morning. 

POMADE  AGAINST  BALDNESS. 
Take  of  extract  of  yellow  Peruvian  bark  fifteen 


3O8  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

grains,  extract  of  rhatany-root  eight  grains,  extract 
of  burdock-root  and  oil  of  nutmegs  (fixed)  of  each 
two  drachms,  camphor  (dissolved  with  spirits  of 
wine)  fifteen  grains,  beef-marrow  two  ounces,  best 
olive  oil  one  ounce,  citron-juice  one-half  a  drachm, 
aromatic  essential  oil  as  much  as  sufficient  to  ren- 
der it  fragrant.  Mix  and  make  into  an  ointment. 

COLOGNE. 

Take  one  gallon  of  spirits  of  wine,  and  add  of  the 
oil  of  lemon,  orange  and  bergamot  each  a  spoonful, 
also  add  extract  of  vanilla  forty  drops.  Shake 
until  the  oils  are  cut,  then  add  a  pint  and  a  half 
of  soft  water. 

Take  two  drachms  each  of  oil  of  lemon,  oil  of 
rosemary  and  oil  of  bergamot,  one  drachm  of  oil  of 
lavender,  ten  drops  each  of  oil  of  cinnamon  and  oil 
of  cloves,  two  drops  of  oil  of  rose,  eight  drops  of 
tincture  of  musk,  and  one  quart  of  alcohol  or 
spirits  of  wine.  Mix  all  together,  when  it  will  be 
ready  for  use.  The  older  it  gets,  the  better. 

Take  one  gallon  of  ninety  per  cent,  alcohol,  and 
add  to  it  one  ounce  each  of  oil  of  bergamot  and  oil 
of  orange,  two  drachms  of  oil  of  cedrat,  one  drachm 
each  of  oil  of  neroli  and  oil  of  rosemary.  Mix  well, 
and  it  is  fit  for  use. 

OX-MARROW  POMATUM. 

Take  two  ounces  of  yellow  wax  and  twelve  ounces 
of  beef-marrow.  Melt  all  together,  and  when  suffi- 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  309 

ciently  cool    perfume  it  with   the   essential  oil  of 
almonds. 

How  TO  MAKE  SHOES  AND  BOOTS  WATERPROOF. 

Take  neats*  foot  oil  and  dissolve  in  it  caoutchouc 
(India-rubber),  a  sufficient  quantity  to  form  a  kind 
of  varnish ;  rub  this  on  your  boots  or  shoes.  The 
oil  must  be  placed  where  it  is  warm,  and  the  caout- 
chouc put  into  it  in  parings.  It  will  take  several 
days  to  dissolve. 

To  CLEAN  KID  GLOVES. 

Put  the  gloves  on  your  hands  and  wash  them,  as 
if  you  were  washing  your  hands,  in  some  spirits 
of  turpentine,  until  quite  clean ;  then  hang  them  up 
in  a  warm  place  or  where  there  is  a  current  of 
air,  and  all  smell  of  the  turpentine  will  be  removed. 

Wash  them  with  soap  and  water,  then  stretch 
them  on  wooden  hands  or  pull  them  into  shape 
without  wringing  them ;  next  rub  them  with  pipe- 
clay or  yellow  ochre,  or  a  mixture  of  the  two,  in  any 
required  shade,  made  into  a  paste  with  beer;  let 
them  dry  gradually,  and  when  about  half  dry  rub 
them  well,  so  as  to  smooth  them  and  put  them  into 
shape;  then  dry  them,  brush  out  the  superfluous 
color,  cover  them  with  paper  and  smooth  them  with 
a  warm  iron.  Other  colors  may  be  employed  to 
mix  the  pipe-clay  besides  yellow  ochre. 

By  rubbing  gloves  with  a  clean  cloth  dipped  iq 


3IO  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

milk  and  then  rubbed  on  brown  Windsor  soap  yon 
may  restore  them  to  a  very  fair  state  of  cleanliness. 

To  REMOVE  A  TIGHT  RING. 

When  a  ring  happens  to  get  tightly  fixed  on  the 
finger,  as  it  will  sometimes  do,  a  piece  of  common 
twine  should  be  well  soaped,  and  then  be  wound 
round  the  finger  as  tightly  as  possible  or  as  can  be 
borne.  The  twine  should  commence  at  the  point  of 
the  finger  and  be  continued  till  the  ring  is  Beached ; 
the  end  of  the  twine  must  then  be  forced  through  the 
ring  with  the  head  of  a  needle,  or  anything  else  that 
may  be  at  hand.  If  the  string  is  then  unwound,  the 
ring  is  almost  sure  to  come  off  the  finger  with  it. 

To  LOOSEN  STOPPERS  OF  TOILET-BOTTLES. 

Let  a  drop  of  pure  oil  flow  round  the  stopper,  and 
stand  the  bottle  a  foot  or  two  from  the  fire.  After  a 
time  tap  the  stopper  smartly,  but  not  too  hard, 
with  the  handle  of  a  hair-brush ;  if  this  is  not  ef- 
fectual, use  a  fresh  drop  of  oil  and  repeat  the  pro- 
cess. It  is  pretty  sure  to  succeed. 

CLEANING  JEWELRY. 

Gold  ornaments  are  best  kept  bright  and  clean 
with  soap  and  warm  water,  with  which  they  should 
be  scrubbed,  a  soft  nail-brush  being  used  for  the 
purpose.  They  may  be  dried  in  box  sawdust,  in  a 
bed  of  which  it  is  desirable  to  let  them  lie  before  the 


TOILETTE    RECIPES.  $11 

fire  for  a  time.     Imitation  jewelry  may  be  treated  in 
the  same  way. 

CLEANING  SILVER. 

For  cleaning  silver,  either  articles  of  personal 
wear  or  those  pertaining  to  the  toilette-table  or 
dressing-case,  there  is  nothing  better  than  a  spoon- 
ful of  common  whitening,  carefully  pounded  so  as 
to  be  without  lumps,  reduced  to  a  paste  with  gin. 

To  REMOVE  GREASE-SPOTS. 

French  chalk  is  useful  for  removing  grease-spots 
from  clothing.  Spots  on  silk  will  sometimes  yield 
if  a  piece  of  blotting-paper  is  placed  over  them  and 
the  blade  of  a  knife  is  heated  (not  too  much)  and 
passed  over  the  paper. 

To  CLEAN  KID  BOOTS. 

Mix  a  little  white  of  egg  and  ink  in  a  bottle,  so 
that  the  composition  may  be  well  shaken  up  when 
required  for  use.  Apply  to  the  kid  with  a  piece  of 
sponge  and  rub  dry.  The  best  thing  to  rub  with  is 
the  palm  of  the  hand.  When  the  kid  shows  symp- 
toms of  cracking,  rub  in  a  few  drops  of  sweet  oil. 
The  soles  and  heels  should  be  polished  with  com- 
mon blacking. 

To  CLEAN  PATENT-LEATHER  BOOTS. 

In  cleaning  patent-leather  boots,  first  remove  all 
the  dirt  upon  them  with  a  sponge  or  flannel ;  then 


312  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

the  boot  should  be  rubbed  lightly  over  with  a  paste 
consisting  of  two  spoonfuls  of  cream  and  one  of 
linseed-oil,  both  of  which  require  to  be  warmed  be- 
fore being  mixed.  Polish  with  a  soft  cloth. 

To  REMOVE  STAINS  AND  SPOTS  FROM  SILK. 

Boil  five  ounces  of  soft  water  and  six  ounces  of 
powdered  alum  for  a  short  time,  and  pour  it  into 
a  vessel  to  cool.  Warm  it  for  use,  and  wash  the 
stained  part  with  it  and  leave  to  dry. 

Washed  the  soiled  part  with  ether,  and  the  grease 
will  disappear. 

We  often  find  that  lemon-juice,  vinegar,  oil  of  vit- 
riol and  other  sharp  corrosives  stain  dyed  garments. 
Sometimes,  by  adding  a  little  pearlash  to  a  soap- 
lather  and  passing  the  silks  through  these,  the  faded 
color  will  be  restored.  Pearlash  and  warm  water  will 
sometimes  do  alone,  but  it  is  the  most  efficacious  to 
use  the  soap-lather  and  pearlash  together. 

TOOTHACHE  PREVENTIVE. 

Use  flowers  of  sulphur  as  a  tooth-powder  every 
night,  rubbing  the  teeth  and  gums  with  a  rather 
hard  toothbrush.  If  done  after  dinner  too,  all  the 
better.  It  preserves  the  teeth  and  does  not  commu- 
nicate any  smell  whatever  to  the  mouth. 

To  TAKE  MILDEW  OUT  OF  LINEN. 

Wet  the  linen  which  contains  the  mildew  with  soft 
water,  rub  it  well  with  white  soap,  then  scrape  some 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  313 

fine  chalk  to  powder  and  rub  it  well  into  the  linen  ; 
lay  it  out  on  the  grass  in  the  sunshine,  watching  to 
keep  it  damp  with  soft  water.  Repeat  the  process 
the  next  day,  and  in  a  few  hours  the  mildew  will 
entirely  disappear. 

CURE  FOR  INGROWING  NAILS  ON  TOES. 

Take  a  little  tallow  and  put  it  into  a  spoon,  and 
heat  it  over  a  lamp  until  it  becomes  very  hot ;  then 
pour  it  on  the  sore  or  granulation.  The  effect  will 
be  almost  magical.  The  pain  and  tenderness  will  at 
once  be  relieved.  The  operation  causes  very  little 
pain  if  the  tallow  is  perfectly  heated.  Perhaps  a 
repetition  may  be  necessary  in  some  cases. 

CERTAIN  CURE  FOR  A  FELON. 

Take  a  pint  of  common  soft  soap  and  stir  in  it  air- 
slaked  lime  till  it  is  of  the  consistency  of  glazier's 
putty.  Make  a  leather  thimble,  fill  it  with  this  com- 
position and  insert  the  finger  therein,  and  change  the 
composition  once  in  twenty  minutes,  and  a  cure  is 
certain. 

CURE  FOR  THE  CROUP. 

A  piece  of  fresh  lard  as  large  as  a  butternut, 
rubbed  up  with  sugar  in  the  same  way  that  butter 
and  sugar  are  prepared  for  the  dressing  of  puddings, 
divided  into  three  parts  and  given  at  intervals  of 
twenty  minutes,  will  relieve  any  case  of  croup  which 
has  not  already  progressed  to  the  fatal  point. 


314  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

To  MAKE  SIMPLE  CERATE. 

Take  one  pound  of  white  wax  and  four  pounds  of 
lard  or  mutton  suet;  melt  them  with  a  gentle  heat, 
and  stir  well  until  cool.  Yellow  wax  will  answer 
the  same  purpose. 

REMEDY  FOR  COUGH  OR  COLD. 

Three  eggs  and  four  lemons.  Slice  the  lemons 
and  crush  the  eggs.  Add  one-half  a  pound  of  rock 
candy  and  two  ounces  of  olive-oil.  A  teaspoonful 
three  or  four  times  a  day. 

To  REMOVE  GREASE-SPOTS  FROM  WOOLEN  CLOTH. 

Take  one  quart  of  spirits  of  wine  or  alcohol,  twelve 
drops  of  wintergreen,  one  gill  of.  beef-gall  and  six 
cents'  worth  of  lavender.  A  little  alkanet  to  color 
if  you  wish.  Mix. 

To  CLEAN  WOOLEN  CLOTH. 

Take  equal  parts  of  spirits  of  hartshorn  and  ether. 
Ox-gall  mixed  with  it  makes  it  better. 

To  TAKE  INK-SPOTS  FROM  LINEN. 

Take  a  piece  of  mould  candle  of  the .  finest  kind, 
melt  it,  and  dip  the  spotted  part  of  the  linen  in  the 
melted  tallow.  Then  throw  the  linen  into  the  wash. 

To  REMOVE  FRUIT-STAINS. 
Moisten  the  parts  stained  with  cold  water;  then 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  315 

hold  it  over  the  smoke  of  burning  brimstone,  and 
the  stain  will  disappear. 

This  recipe  will  serve  for  iron  mould  also. 

PROTECTION  AGAINST  MOTHS. 

A  small  piece  of  paper  or  linen  moistened  with 
turpentine  and  put  into  the  wardrobe  or  drawers 
for  a  single  day  two  or  three  times  a  year  is  a  suffi- 
cient preservative  against  moths. 

How  TO  WHITEN  LINEN. 

Stains  occasioned  by  fruit,  iron  rust  and  other 
similar  causes  may  be  removed  by  applying  to  the 
parts  injured  a  weak  solution  of  the  chloride  of 
lime,  the  cloth  having  been  previously  well  washed. 
The  parts  subjected  to  this  operation  should  be  sub- 
sequently well  rinsed  in  soft,  clear,  warm  water,  with- 
out soap,  and  be  immediately  dried  in  the  sun. 

Oxalic  acid  diluted  by  water  will  accomplish  the 
same  end. 

To  TAKE  STAINS  OUT  OF  SILK. 

Mix  together  in  a  vial  two  ounces  of  essence  of 
lemon  and  one  ounce  of  oil  of  turpentine.  Grease 
and  other  spots  in  silk  must  be  rubbed  gently  with 
a  linen  rag  dipped  in  the  above  composition. 

To  REMOVE  ACID-STAINS  FROM  SILKS. 
Apply,  with  a  soft  rag,  spirits  of  hartshorn. 


$l6  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

To  REMOVE  STAINS  FROM  WHITE  COTTON  GOODS. 

For  mildew,  rub  in  salt  and  some  buttermilk,  and 
expose  it  to  the  influence  of  a  hot  sun.  Chalk  and 
soap  or  lemon-juice  and  salt  are  also  good.  As 
fast  as  the  spots  become  dry  more  should  be  rubbed 
on,  and  the  garment  should  be  kept  in  the  sun  until 
the  spots  disappear.  Some  one  of  the  preceding 
things  will  extract  most  kinds  of  stains,  but  a  hot 
sun  is  necessary  to  render  any  one  of  them  ef- 
fectual. 

Scalding  water  will  remove  fruit-stains.  So  also 
will  hartshorn  diluted  with  warm  water,  but  it  will 
be  necessary  to  apply  it  several  times. 

Common  salt  rubbed  on  fruit-stains  before  they 
become  dry  will  extract  them. 

Colored  cotton  goods  that  have  ink  spilled  on 
them  should  be  soaked  in  lukewarm  sour  milk. 

To  REMOVE  SPOTS  OF  PITCH  OR  TAR. 

Scrape  off  all  the  pitch  or  tar  you  can,  then  sat- 
urate the  spots  with  sweet-oil  or  lard;  rub  it  in 
well,  and  let  it  remain  in  a  warm  place  for  an  hour. 

To  EXTRACT  PAINT  FROM  GARMENTS. 

Saturate  the  spot  with  spirits  of  turpentine,  let  it 
remain  a  number  of  hours,  then  rub  it  between  the 
hands;  it  will  crumble  away  without  injury  either  to 
the  texture  or  color  of  any  kind  of  woolen,  cotton 
or  silk  goods. 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  317 

To  CLEAN  SILKS  AND  RIBBONS. 

Take  equal  quantities  of  soft  lye-soap,  alcohol  01 
gin,  and  molasses.  Lay  the  silk  on  a  clean  table 
without  creasing ;  rub  on  the  mixture  with  a  flannel 
cloth.  Rinse  the  silk  well  in  cold  clear  water,  and 
hang  it  up  to  dry  without  wringing.  Iron  it,  before 
it  gets  dry,  on  the  wrong  side.  Silks  and  ribbons 
treated  in  this  way  will  look  very  nice. 

Camphene  will  extract  grease  and  clean  ribbons 
without  changing  the  color  of  most  things.  They 
should  be  dried  in  the  open  air  and  ironed  when 
pretty  dry. 

The  water  in  which  pared  potatoes  have  been 
boiled  is  very  good  to  wash  black  silks  in  ;  it  stiffens 
and  makes  them  glossy  and  black. 

Soap-suds  answer  very  well.  They  should  be 
washed  in  two  suds  and  not  rinsed  in  clean  water. 

REMEDY  FOR  BURNT  KID  OR  LEATHER  SHOES. 

If  a  lady  has  had  the  misfortune  to  put  her  shoes 
or  slippers  too  near  the  stove,  and  thus  got  them 
burned,  she  can  make  them  nearly  as  good  as  ever 
by  spreading  soft-soap  upon  them  while  they  are 
still  hot,  and  then,  when  they  are  cold,  washing  it  off. 
It  softens  the  leather  and  prevents  it  drawing  up. 

To  CHOOSE  GOOD  BLACK  SILK. 

Pull  out  a  thread  of  the  filling  and  see  if  it  is 
strong.  If  it  stands  the  test,  then  rub  one  corner  of 


318  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

the  silk  in  the  hands  as  though  washing  it.  After 
this  operation,  if  it  be  good  silk,  it  will,  upon  being 
brushed  out,  look  as  smooth  as  ever.  If,  on  holding 
it  up  to  the  light  and  looking  through  it,  you  see  no 
traces  of  the  rubbing,  be  sure  the  silk  is  good.  The 
warp  and  filling  should  not  differ  much  in  size,  or  it  will 
not  wear  well.  If  you  choose  a  figured  silk,  let  the 
figure  be  small  and  well  woven  in,  else  it  will  soon 
present  a  frayed  appearance,  and  you  will  have  to 
pick  off  the  little  tags  of  silk  that  will  dot  the 
breadths. 

How  TO  WASH  A  NUBIA. 

These  pretty  fleecy  things  are  often  ruined  in  the 
first  washing.  Yet  it  is  possible  to  wash  them  and 
have  them  look  almost  as  well  as  ever.  First  braid  the 
tassels,  then  make  a  hot  suds  with  fine  castile  soap, 
and  instead  of  rubbing  or  wringing  it  with  the  hands, 
run  it  through  the  wringing-machine.  Then  open  the 
nubia  as  widely  as  possible  and  spread  it  on  some 
clean  place  to  dry.  A  bed  is  a  good  place  for  this. 
After  it  is  thoroughly  dry  take  the  braid  out  of  the 
tassels,  and  the  pretty  little  waves  will  be  in  them 
just  as  before  washing.  It  is  the  rubbing  and  twist- 
ing of  a  nubia,  "or  any  knit  article,  which  damages  it, 
and  makes  it  look  old  and  worn  instead  of  light  and 
airy  and  fleecy,  as  it  does  at  first.  If  any  article  of 
this  kind  is  torn,  it  should  be  mended  carefully  with 
crewel  or  fine  silk  of  a  corresponding  color.  Then 
dampen  the  place  repaired,  lay  a  paper  over  it,  and 
press  the  spot  with  a  warm  iron. 


TOILETTE   RECIPES.  319 

How  TO  WASH  LACES. 

Take  an  old  wine-bottle  and  cover  it  with  the  cut- 
off leg  of  a  soft,  firm  stocking,  sewing  it  tightly  above 
and  below.  Then  wind  the  soiled  collar  or  lace 
smoothly  around  the  covered  bottle;  take  a  fine 
needle  and  thread  and  sew  very  carefully  around  the 
outer  edge  of  the  collar,  catching  every  loop  fast  to 
the  stocking.  Then  shake  the  bottle  up  and  down  in 
a  pailful  of  warm  soap-suds,  occasionally  rubbing  the 
soiled  places  with  a  soft  sponge.  It  can  be  rinsed 
after  the  same  manner.  It  must  be  rinsed  well. 
-When  the  lace  is  clean,  then  apply  a  very  weak 
solution  of  gum  arabic  and  stand  the  bottle  in  the 
sunshine  to  dry.  Rip  off  the  lace  very  carefully 
when  perfectly  dry.  Instead  of  ironing,  lay  it  be- 
tween the  white  leaves  of  a  heavy  book ;  or,  if  you 
are  in  a  hurry,  iron  on  flannel  between  a  few  thick- 
nesses of  fine  muslin.  Done  up  in  this  way,  lace 
collars  will  wear  longer,  stay  clean  longer,  and 
have  a  rich,  new,  lacy  look  that  they  will  not  have 
otherwise. 

How  TO  DARKEN  FADED  FALSE  HAIR. 

The  switches,  curls  and  frizzes  which  fashion  de- 
mands should  be  worn  will  fade  in  course  of  time ; 
and  though  they  matched  the  natural  hair  perfectly 
at  first,  they  will  finally  present  a  lighter  tint.  If  the 
hair  is  brown  this  can  be  remedied.  Obtain  a  yard 
of  dark-brown  calico.  Boil  it  until  the  coloi  has 


320  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

well  come  out  into  the  water.  Then  into  this  water 
dip  the  hair,  and  take  it  out  and  dry  it.  Repeat  the 
operation  until  it  shall  be  of  the  required  depth  of 
shade. 

PUTTING  AWAY  FURS  FOR  THE  SUMMER. 

When  you  are  ready  to  put  away  furs  and  woolens, 
and  want  to  guard  against  the  depredations  of  moths, 
pack  them  securely  in  paper  flour-sacks  and  tie  them 
up  well.  This  is  better  than  camphor  or  tobacco 
or  snuff  scattered  among  them  in  chest  and  drawers. 
Before  putting  your  muffs  away  for  the  summer 
twirl  them  by  the  cords  at  the  ends,  so  that  every 
hair  will  straighten.  Put  them  in  their  boxes  and 
paste  a  strip  of  paper  where  the  lid  fits  on. 

To  KEEP  HAIR  IN  CURL. 

To  keep  hair  in  curl,  take  a  few  quince-seed,  boil 
them  in  water,  and  add  perfumery  if  you  like ;  wet 
the  hair  with  this,  and  it  will  keep  in  curl  longer  than 
from  the  use  of  any  other  preparation.  It  is  also 
good  to  keep  the  hair  in  place  on  the  forehead  on 
going  out  in  the  wind. 

PROTECTION  AGAINST  MOTHS. 

Dissolve  two  ounces  of  camphor  in  half  a  pint 
each  of  alcohol  and  spirits  of  turpentine ;  ceep  in  a 
stone  bottle  and  shake  before  using.  Dip  blotting- 
paper  in  the  liquid,  and  place  in  the  box  with  the 
articles  to  be  preserved. 


PART    V. 

THE   LETTER-WRITER. 


CHAPTER  I. 

J5USINESS  LETTERS. 

HAVING  already,  in  the  first  part  of  this  book, 
devoted  a  chapter  to  epistolary  correspond- 
ence, it  has  been  deemed  advisable,  in  addition  to 
this,  to  add  an  entire  new  part  which  should  furnish 
forms  of  and  suggestions  for  letters  of  various 
characters,  entering  into  details  more  than  does  the 
chapter  referred  to.  For  "General  Directions  re- 
garding Letter-writing,"  the  reader  will  turn  to  page 
1 20.  We  will,  however,  furnish  a  few 

ADDITIONAL  DIRECTIONS  REGARDING  LETTER- 
WRITING. 

Letters  should  always  be  in  the  plainest  chirog- 
raphy  of  which  the  writer  is  capable.  No  degree  of 
intimacy  justifies  us  in  sending  hieroglyphics  to  our 
friends  which  they  will  find  difficult  if  not  next  to 
impossible  to  decipher. 

21  321 


322  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

Write  with  prudence  and  judgment,  since,  if  you 
neglect  to  do  so,  a  letter  may  be  a  lasting  record  of 
your  folly  which  you  may  blush  to  remember. 
Always  bear  in  mind  the  possibility  of  others  seeing 
it  besides  the  one  to  whom  it  is  addressed,  and  have 
consideration  for  what  the  opinions  of  third  persons 
may  be.  What  you  have  once  put  into  a  letter-box 
cannot  be  recalled,  and  may  cause  you  lasting  regret. 
The  haste  and  inconsiderateness  which  are  some- 
times tolerated  in  speech  are  entirely  out  of  place 
in  a  letter,  which  should  be  a  record  of  the  writer's 
best  thoughts  dressed  in  his  best  language. 

A  "  Letter-writer  "  is  prepared  for  the  purpose  of 
giving  immediate  aid  to  those  who  require  it.  But 
the  way  to  rise  above  such  need  is  to  study  the  best 
models  of  epistolary  literature,  which  may  be  found 
largely  in  biographies  of  noted  men  and  women, 
and  afterward  to  practice  letter-writing  carefully  and 
conscientiously. 

Letters  of  every  character  whatsoever  should  be 
answered.  There  may  be  a  brief  delay  in  replying 
to  family  and  friendly  letters  which  belong  to  a 
regular  correspondence,  else  the  too  frequent  writing 
resulting  from  immediate  reply  by  both  parties 
would  become  too  great  a  tax  upon  each.  But  any- 
thing which  partakes  of  the  nature  of  a  business- 
letter  should  be  answered  at  once.  Even  letters 
which  in  themselves  settle  the  business  in  hand 
should  be  replied  to  by  letters  of  acknowledgment, 
to  indicate  that  they  have  been  received. 


BUSINESS  LETTERS.  323 

.LETTERS  OF  ACKNOWLEDGMENT. 

The  following  will  suggest  the  form  which  an 
ordinary  letter  of  acknowledgment  may  take : 

BURLINGTON,  N.  J.,  Jan.  14,  1877. 

MESSRS.  HOWE,  GLEASON  &  Co.,  Philadelphia,  Pa., 

GENTLEMEN  :  Your  favor  dated  the  loth  inst.  has 
been  duly  received.  We  rejoice  that  the  matter  has 
been  concluded  so  entirely  to  your  satisfaction. 

Yours  truly, 

WILLIS  &  BROWN. 

A  well-bred  man  will  show  his  politeness,  and  at 
the  same  time  his  capability  to  rise  above  insult,  by 
acknowledging  briefly,  yet  courteously,  any  insult- 
ing letter  even,  which  may  have  been  sent  to  him. 
Supposing  such  a  letter  to  have  been  received,  the 
following  acknowledgment  will  not  be  inappropriate : 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  Feb.  12,  1877. 
MR.  JOHN  SMITH, 

DEAR  SIR  :  Your  favor  bearing  date  of  February 
7th  has  been  received,  and  contents  duly  noted.  I 
must  decline  entering  into  correspondence  with  you 
on  the  matter  to  which  your  letter  refers.  Therefore 
allow  me  to  subscribe  myself, 

Yours,  with  due  respect, 

WM,  B.  JOHNSON. 


324  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

The  following  furnishes  suggestions  for 

LETTERS  SOLICITING  A  SITUATION. 

PHILADELPHIA,  PA.,  Feb.  i,  1877. 

MR.  JAMES  WILSON, 

SIR  :  Having  heard  that  a  vacancy  is  likely  soon 
to  occur  in  your  office,  I  venture  to  write  to  you, 
asking  you  to  put  my  name  upon  your  list  of  appli- 
cants for  the  situation.  I  think  I  can  give  you  sat- 
isfactory evidence  of  my  abilities  to  discharge  the 
duties  of  the  post,  if  you  decide  to  consider  my 
application.  Respectfully, 

THOMAS  MARSHALL. 


NEW  YORK,  Jan.  27,  1877. 

C.  K.  CLAXTON,  ESQ., 

SIR  :  When  I  saw  you  last,  you  were  kind  enough 
to  promise  to  do  what  you  could  to  advance  my 
interests.  I  am  now  in  want  of  a  situation,  a 
change  of  partnership  having  occurred  where  I 
have  hitherto  been  employed,  resulting  in  an  entire 
change  of  employes.  If,  therefore,  you  should  hear 
of  employment  which  you  consider  likely  to  suit 
me,  and  would  be  kind  enough  to  recommend  me 
for  the  same,  I  shall  sincerely  appreciate  your  kind- 
ness, and  try  to  prove  myself  worthy  of  it. 
Yours,  respectfully, 

WILLIAM  H.  CARPENTER. 


BUSINESS  LETTERS.  325 

LETTERS  ON  LITERARY  MATTERS. 

Letters  to  publishers  and  editors  should  be  ex- 
ceedingly brief,  to  secure  a  patient  reading.  All 
personal  matters  and  details  of  every  sort  should  be 
omitted.  In  sending  a  manuscript  to  a  publisher, 
an  author  often  feels  it  imperatively  necessary  to 
describe  under  what  circumstances  the  manuscript 
has  been  written.  But  this  is  a  mistake.  However 
favorable  or  unfavorable  the  circumstances  may  have 
been,  the  publisher  has  nothing  whatever  to  do  with 
them.  It  is  his  duty  to  decide  on  the  merits  of  the 
manuscript  alone.  Details  of  personal  matters  may 
give  an  editor  pain,  if  he  is  a  kind-hearted  and  sensi- 
tive man,  but  he  cannot  let  them  bias  his  judgment; 
while,  if  he  be  hard-hearted  naturally,  or  grown 
callous  by  long  experience,  they  may  prejudice  him 
against  the  article  which  he  is  desired  to  examine,  to 
such  a  degree  that  he  will  not  read  it  at  all.  I  have 
seen  the  confession  of  a  reader  of  one  publishing- 
firm,  in  which  he  stated  he  had  what  he  called  his 
"  infirmary,"  where  he  deposited  all  manuscripts 
without  any  examination  whatever,  which  came 
accompanied  by  private  appeals  to  his  sympathies ; 
as  he  judged  the  authors  themselves  were  conscious 
that  their  productions  could  not  stand  on  their  own 
merits  alone. 

Every  manuscript  sent  an  editor  or  publisher 
should  have  written  upon  it  the  name  and  address 
of  its  author,  in  case  the  letter  accompanying  it 


326  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

should  be  mislaid.     The  following  forms  will  serve 
as  models  of  letters  to  publishers  or  editors : 

NEWARK,  N.  J.,  Jan.  9,  1877. 
MESSRS.  PORTER  &  COAXES, 

GENTLEMEN  :  I  send  to  you  the  manuscript  of  a 

book,  to  which  I  have  given  the  title  of .     If, 

upon  examination,  it  meets  your  approval,  I  shall  be 
pleased  to  enter  into  arrangements  with  you  to 
secure  its  publication.  Of  course  I  leave  all  busi- 
ness details  until  I  learn  that  you  are  inclined  to 
meet  my  desires  favorably.  Any  questions  which 
you  may  wish  to  ask  me  concerning  my  ideas  in 
preparing  such  a  work,  I  shall  be  pleased  to  answer. 
Also  any  suggestions  which  you  may  make  which 
shall  not  too  greatly  alter  the  character  and  scope 
of  the  book,  I  shall  willingly  accept  and  act  upon. 
Please  let  me  hear  from  you  at  your  earliest  con- 
venience. Enclosed  you  will  find  stamp  for  reply. 
Yours,  truly, 

MRS.  MARY  W.  GRAVES. 

GERMAN-TOWN,  PA.,  Feb.  9,  1877. 
MESSRS.  J.  B.  LIPPINCOTT  &  Co., 

GENTLEMEN  :  The  accompanying  manuscript  is  the 
result  of  long  study  and  experience  in  the  subject 
of  which  it  treats.  Being  well  acquainted  with  the 
class  of  literature  to  which  it  belongs,  I  am  con- 
vinced that  it  fills  a  niche  hitherto  unoccupied. 
From  the  general  character  of  your  publication?,  I 


BUSINESS  LETTERS.  327 

am  led  to  believe  that  my  work  may  suit  you.  Will 
you  examine  it  .at  your  earliest  convenience  and  let 
me  know  your  decision  in  the  matter?  Business 
details  can  be  deferred  until  I  learn  that  you  have 
given  a  favorable  answer.  Enclosed  you  will  find 
stamp  for  reply. 

Yours,  respectfully, 

THEODORE  WATSON. 


The  second  and  third  sentences  in  the  above  letter 
are  in  a  measure  superfluous,  since  the  publishers 
can  judge  of  both  these  matters  better  than  the 
writer.  But  it  is  sometimes  a  satisfaction  for  the 
author  to  say  them,  and  they  do  no  particular  harm. 

BROOKLYN,  L.  I.,  Sept.  24,  1876. 

MESSRS.  HARPER  &  BROTHERS,  N.  Y., 

GENTLEMEN  :  Please  examine  accompanying  man- 
uscript novel,  entitled  "The  Great  Mystery."  If  it 
meets  your  approval,  you  will  please  notify  me,  and 
we  will  enter  into  details  as  regards  terms  of  publi- 
cation. Whether  you  accept  or  reject  it,  let  me  hear 
from  you  at  your  earliest  convenience.  Enclosed 
you  will  find  stamp  for  reply. 

Yours,  respectfully, 
MRS.  ELIZABETH  B.  CONOVER. 


328  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

WEST  CHESTER,  PA.,  Dec.  5,  1876. 

EDITOR , 

DEAR  SIR:  I  send  you  enclosed  an  article  entitled 

" ,"  which    I   offer   for   publication   in   your 

magazine.  As  I  am  but  a  young  writer,  I  do  not 
expect  remuneration.  I  send  stamps  for  its  return 
in  case  it  is  rejected. 

Yours,  truly, 

Miss  LUCY  SNOW. 


CLEVELAND,  O.,  Feb.  17,  '877. 

EDITORS , 

GENTLEMEN:  Please  examine  the  accompanying 
manuscript  and  see  if  it  reaches  the  standard  which 
you  require  for  publication  in  your  magazine.  If  it 
proves  acceptable,  I  leave  the  remuneration  to  your- 
self, as  I  am  aware  that  each  publisher  has  his  own 
scale  of  prices.  Enclosed  are  stamps  with  which  to 
return  manuscript  if  not  accepted. 
Respectfully, 

Miss  CAROLINE  ADAMS. 


DUBUQUE,  IOWA,  Nov.  10,  1876. 
MESSRS.  EDITORS, 

GENTLEMEN:    Enclosed  please  find   MSS.  subject 
to  your  decision  for  your  magazine.     Price,  $10.     If 
not  accepted,  please  return.     Stamps  enclosed. 
Yours,  truly, 

MRS.  MARGARET  KING. 


BUSINESS  LETTERS.  329 

Authors  frequently  find  it  necessary  to  solicit 
reviews  of  their  books  from  prominent  publishers. 
Either  of  the  following  forms  is  appropriate : 

Mrs.  M.  J.  Evans  presents  her  compliments  to  the 

editor  of  the  ,  and  will  feel  obliged  by  the 

acceptance  of  the  accompanying  volume  and  such 

a  notice  in  the  as  he,  upon  examination,  may 

feel  that  the  work  deserves. 

HIGHTSTOWN,  N.  J.,  Sept.  4,  1876. 

WHEELING,  W.  VA.,  Nov.  19,  1876. 

To  THE  EDITOR  OF  , 

DEAR  SIR:  You  have  already  shown  me  such 
kindness  in  the  reviews  which  you  have  given  of  my 
previous  books,  that  I  venture  to  trespass  upon  your 
attention  again.  I  feel  assured  that  a  favorable 
notice  in  the  columns  of  your  paper,  would  greatly 
aid  in  the  circulation  of  my  book ;  and  if,  upon  an 
examination  of  it,  you  find  that  you  can  conscien- 
tiously give  it  such  notice,  I  shall  ever  remain, 
Yours,  most  sincerely  and  gratefully, 

MRS.  C.  B.  CAMPBELL. 

SPRINGFIELD,  MASS.,  May  9,  1876, 

EDITOR , 

DEAR  SIR  :  I  take  the  liberty  of  sending  you  an 
advance  copy  of  my  forthcoming  work.  Will  you 
do  me  the  favor  to  give  it  such  notice  in  your  paper 
as  it  seems,  upon  examination,  to  deserve  ?  I  shall 


330  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

not  shrink  from  your  criticism,  if  it  is  honest  and 
kind.     By  so  doing  you  will  greatly  oblige 
Yours,  truly, 

RICHARD  H.  CHAMBERLAIN. 


The  following  letter  is  a  form  for  requesting  the 
loan  of  a  book : 

DEAR  SIR:  I  should  consider  it  a  great  favor  if 
you  would  lend  me  the  book  entitled  "The  Geo- 
graphical Distribution  of  Animals,"  which  you 
showed  me  when  I  called  upon  you  a  few  days  since. 
I  would  like  to  examine  it  more  carefully,  and  will 
take  the  utmost  care  of  it,  and  return  it  in  a  few 
days.  Yours,  truly, 

EDWARD  H.  BUTLER. 

To  MR.  J.  B.  MORTIMER. 

The  following  is  a  reply  in  the  affirmative : 

DEAR  SIR:  Accompanying  this  note  I  send  you 
the  book  which  you  requested.  It  gives  me  great 
pleasure  to  afford  you  the  opportunity  of  examining 
it,  for  I  am  certain  you  will  find  much  in  it  to  cor- 
roborate opinions  which  you  already  entertain.  But 
I  must  ask  you  to  let  me  have  it  by  the  first  of  next 
month,  as  I  shall  then  have  occasion  to  use  it. 
Yours,  very  truly, 

JOSEPH  B.  MORTIMER. 
To  MR.  E,  H.  BUTLER. 


BUSINESS  LETTERS.  331 

The  following  is  a  reply  in  the  negative : 

MY  DEAR  SIR  :  I  regret  exceedingly  that  my  rule 
never  to  permit  my  books  to  go  beyond  my  own 
library,  compels  me  to  refuse  to  lend  you  the  book 
which  you  desire.  This  rule  I  have  been  obliged,  in 
self-defence,  to  make  invariable,  since  if  I  lend  to 
one,  I  must  to  all  who  ask  me ;  and  I  have  learned 
by  sad  experience  that,  by  so  doing,  my  books  are 
never  at  home  when  I  need  them,  and  sometimes 
they  never  return  at  all.  If  I  could  do  so,  I  should 
be  glad  to  make  an  exception  in  your  case.  It  will 
give  me  great  pleasure  to  have  you  visit  my  library 
at  any  time,  and  examine  that  or  any  other  work  at 
your  leisure.  Believe  me,  as  ever, 

Yours,  very  sincerely, 

JOSEPH  B.  MORTIMER. 

To  MR.  E.  H.  BUTLER. 


The  following  note  may  be  sent  on  returning  a 
borrowed  book : 

DEAR  SIR  :  I  return  you  the  book  which  you 
were  kind  enough  to  lend  me,  and  with  it  please 
accept  my  warmest  thanks  for  your  kindness.  If  I 
can  at  any  time  render  you  a  like  favor,  it  will  give 
me  great  pleasure  to  do  so.  I  am,  sir, 

Yours,  much  obliged, 

E.  H.  BUTLER. 
To  MR.  J.  B.  MORTIMER. 


332  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

LETTERS  REGARDING  THE  CHARACTER  OF  A 

SERVANT. 

1492  ARCH  STREET,  PHILADELPHIA,  May  2,  1876. 
MADAM:  Bridget  Ryan,  having  replied  to  my 
advertisement  in  the  Ledger  for  a  cook,  refers  me  to 
you  for  a  character.  I  feel  particularly  anxious  to 
obtain  a  good  servant  for  ,the  coming  summer — the 
more  so  as  my  last  occasioned  me  much  trouble.  I 
shall  therefore  feel  obliged  by  your  making  me 
acquainted  with  any  particulars  referring  to  her 
character,  and  remain,  madam, 

Your  very  obedient  servant, 

MRS.  CHARLES  THOMAS. 
To  MRS.  GENERAL  WM.  GREEN. 

1215  PINE  STREET,  PHILADELPHIA,  May  3,  1876. 
MRS.  CHARLES  THOMAS, 

MADAM  :  I  take  an  early  opportunity  of  acknow- 
ledging the  receipt  of  your  note.  In  regard  to  the 
character  of  Bridget  Ryan,  it  gives  me  pleasure  to 
say  that  she  lived  with  me  for  two  years,  and  during 
all  that  time  I  found  her  active,  diligent  and  efficient 
She  is  a  superior  cook,  and  I  have  full  confidence  in 
her  honesty.  The  breaking  up  of  my  household 
last  summer,  in  order  to  go  into  the  country,  was  the 
occasion  of  my  parting  with  her.  I  feel  that  I  can 
recommend  her  with  full  confidence  of  her  being 
likely  to  give  you  satisfaction.  I  am,  madam, 
Your  very  obedient  servant, 

MRS.  WM.  GREEN. 


J5USJNESS  LETTERS.  333 

1215  PINE  STREET,  PHILADELPHIA,  May  3,  1876. 
MRS.  CHARLES  THOMAS, 

MADAM  :  In  replying  to  your  note  of  inquiry,  I 
beg  to  inform  you  that  Bridget  Ryan,  who  lived  with 
me  in  the  capacity  of  cook,  left  my  service  because  I 
did  not  find  her  temper  and  habits  in  all  respects 
satisfactory.  She  was  thoroughly  competent  as  a 
cook,  but  in  other  respects  I  cannot  conscientiously 
recommend  her.  I  remain 

Yours,  very  truly, 

MRS.  WM.  GREEN. 

NOTES,  DRAFTS,  BILLS  AND  RECIEPTS. 
The  following  is  the  form  of  a  promissory  note : 

$75-50. 

Ninety  days  after  date  I  promise  to  pay  John 
Williamson,  or  order,  seventy-five  and  ^°Q-  dollars, 
value  received. 

SAMUEL  J.  CARPENTER. 

WOODBURY,  N.  J.,  Sept.  i,  1875. 

This  note  is  negotiable,  but  needs  to  be  endorsed 
by  John  Williamson  if  it  passes  from  his  hands. 

The  next  form  we  give  is  a  common  note  of  hand : 
$25.00. 

For  value  received,  I  promise  to  pay  Ira  J.  Web- 
ster, or  bearer,  twenty-five  dollars  the  twelfth  day 
of  July,  1877,  with  interest  from  date. 

JACOB  H.  SIMKINS. 
PHILADELPHIA,  Jan.  12,  1877. 

The  third  form  is  a  note  for  property : 


334  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

Forty-five  days  after  date  I  promise  to  deliver  to 
George  Payson,  or  order,  at  my  wagon-shop  in 
Camden,  a  good  one-horse  wagon,  worth  fifty  dollars. 

MICHAEL  MCKINNEY. 
CAMDEN,  N.  J.,  Oct.  5,  1876 

We  next  give  a  form  of  a  draft.  To  make  this 
negotiable  the  same  as  a  note,  it  is  necessary  for  the 
person  on  whom  it  is  drawn  to  write  across  the  face 
of  the  draft  "  accepted  "  and  sign  his  name.  This  is 
now  as  certainly  a  " promise  to  pay"  as  any  other 
form  we  have  given,  and  there  is  no  commercial 
difference  between  them. 

Ninety  days  after  date  pay  to  Robert  Brougham, 
or  order,  one  hundred  and  seventy-five  dollars,  value 
received,  and  charge  to  the  account  of 

WILLIS  BROTHERS. 
PHILADELPHIA,  Jan.  2,  1877. 

The  following  is  a  proper  form  of  a  bill : 
THOMAS  CLARK,  DR. 

To    Henry    Morgan    for    labor    furnished 
according  to  agreement          .          .          .          $7. 50 
Received  payment. 

The  following  is  a  common  form  of  receipt : 

NEW  YORK,  July  7,  1876. 

Received  of  Benjamin  Halliday  &  Co.  the  sum  of 
sixty-seven  dollars  and  fifty  cents  as  payment  in  full 
for  services  to  date. 

DAVID   K.  SCHERMERHORN. 

$67.50. 


CHAPTER  II. 

LETTERS  OF  CEREMONY. 

U'NDER  the  general  head  of  "Letters  of  Cere- 
mony" we  have  included  all  letters  of  intro- 
duction, invitation,  acceptance  or  refusal,  of  congrat- 
ulation and  of  condolence.  Several  forms  of  these 
have  already  been  given  on  previous  pages.  We 
now  append  additional  forms  : 

LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION. 

BUFFALO,  N.  Y.,  July  26,  1876. 

MR.  THOMAS  J.  BAILEY, 

DEAR  SIR  :  I  send  you  this  letter  for  the  purpose 
of  introducing  Mr.  Edward  Grey,  who  desires  to  ap- 
ply for  the  vacant  situation  in  your  office  of  which 
you  spoke  to  me  yesterday,  and  whom,  from  what  I 
know  of  his  capacity  and  standing  with  his  former 
employer,  I  am  sure  you  will  find  perfectly  satisfac- 
tory if  you  decide  to  employ  him. 
Very  truly  yours, 

ROBERT  T.  BURNHAM. 

NEW  YORK,  Oct.  13,  1876. 
MESSRS.  GARRETTSON  &  Co., 

GENTLEMEN  :  The  bearer  of  this  is  Agnes  Grey,  a 
lady  who  I  am  fully  persuaded  is  competent  to  do 

336 


336  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

in  a  satisfactory  manner  the  work  you  wish  done. 
My  acquaintance  with  her  has  led  me  to  form  a  high 
opinion  of  her  abilities ;  and  whatever  favor  you  may 
show  her  will  be  appreciated  by 
Yours,  sincerely, 

WALTER  CUNNINGHAM. 

The  following  introductory  letter  may  be  appro- 
priate in  a  case  where  a  person  wishes  to  introduce 
to  an  intimate  friend  another  person,  a  friend  of  the 
writer,  about  whom  the  recipient  of  the  letter  has 
often  heard,  and  whose  acquaintance  he  or  she  has 
desired  to  make : 

CONCORD,  N.  H.,  Aug.  17,  1876. 

MY  DEAR  FRIEND  :  I  am  certain  I  need  only  men- 
tion the  name  of  the  bearer  of  this  letter,  Mrs.  Car- 
rie E.  Ellsworth,  to  ensure  for  her  a  most  cordial 
reception  from  you.  If  anything  more  is  needed  to 
make  this  certain,  let  me  remind  you  that  whatever 
kindness  and  cordiality  you  may  feel  disposed  to 
show  her,  will  be  regarded  by  me  as  having  been 
shown  to  myself. 

I  remain,  as  ever,  yours,  most  sincerely, 

MRS.  ELIZABETH  W.  STRONG. 
To  MRS.  ALICE  B.  PHELPS. 

NOTES  OF  INVITATION. 

The  usual  forms  for  invitations  of  various  sorts 
will  be  found  in  a  previous  chapter  entitled  "  Epis- 


LETTERS   OF  CEREMONY.  337 

tolary  Etiquette."  We  insert  here  various  other 
forms,  which  may  prove  acceptable  on  special  oc- 
casions. The  following  is  an  invitation  to  a  private 
and  unceremonious  dinner : 

DEAR  JACK:  My  old  friend,  Captain  Arnold,  is 
coming  to  take  dinner  with  me  on  Wednesday  the 
8th.  As  I  am  certain  you  will  find  pleasure  in 
making  his  acquaintance  (or  meeting  him,  as  the 
case  may  be),  I  trust  you  will  join  us  at  three 
o'clock. 

Yours,  truly, 

HARRY  FERGUSON. 


The  following  is  a  proper  form  of  acceptance : 

FRIEND  HARRY  :  I  thank  you  for  your  kind  invi- 
tation for  the  8th.  It  will  give  me  great  pleasure  to 
meet  both  yourself  and  Captain  Arnold  at  the  hour 
you  name. 

Yours,  truly, 

JACK  HILLARD. 


If  the  invitation  cannot  be  accepted,  the  refusal 
may  be  couched  in  language  something  like  the  fol- 
lowing : 

MY  DEAR  HARRY:  I  regret  that  a  previous  en- 
gagement (or  whatever  may  be  the  preventing  cause) 
will  prevent  my  acceptance  of  your  kind  invitation 


33^  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

to  dine  with  you  on  the  8th.  My  regret  is  all  the 
greater  since  I  will  lose  the  pleasure  you  promised 
me  of  such  excellent  companionship  as  that  of  Cap- 
tain Arnold. 

Yours,  sincerely, 

JACK  HILLARD. 

Ceremonious  invitations  must  always  be  written 
in  the  third  person,  as  in  the  forms  given  on  pages 
64,  65,  116,  117  and  118. 

A  young  lady  may,  if  she  wishes  to  attend  a  party, 
ball  or  concert,  or  other  place  where  an  escort  is  re- 
quired, and  is  provided  with  no  suitable  one,  write  to 
her  affianced  husband,  or,  if  she  is  not  yet  engaged, 
to  some  friend  of  the  other  sex  with  whom  she  is  on 
sufficiently  intimate  terms  to  venture  to  take  such  a 
liberty,  and  request  him  to  accompany  her.  If  any 
expense  is  to  be  incurred  in  thus  attending  her,  she 
should  purchase  the  admission  cards  and  enclose 
them  in  her  note  to  him.  Such  a  note  may  read  as 
follows : 

Miss  Ida  Osgood  presents  her  compliments  to 
Mr.  Charles  Moore,  and  requests  him  to  do  her 
the  favor  of  escorting  her  to  the  opera  on  Friday 
evening  the  I5th,  if  he  has  not  already  a  previous 
engagement.  Enclosed  he  will  find  tickets  of  ad- 
mission. 

When  the  parties  are  on  the  terms  of  intimacy 
usual  between  an  affianced  couple,  a  less  ceremo« 
nious  form  of  invitation  may  be  allowed. 


LETTERS  OF  CEREMONY.  339 

LETTERS  OF  CONGRATULATION. 

The  occasions  on  which  they  are  due,  and  the 
relations  existing  between  writers  and  recipients 
being  so  varied,  it  is  impossible  to  give  more  than 
the  merest  outline  for  letters  of  congratulation : 

BALTIMORE,  June  16,  1876. 

MY  DEAR  TOM:  Allow  me  to  congratulate  you 
upon  your  sudden  and  unexpected  good  fortune.  I 
am  convinced  that  no  one  would  receive  such  fortune 
in  a  better,  wiser  or  more  humble  spirit  than  your- 
self, and  that  no  one  more  sincerely  rejoices  with 
you  on  account  of  it  than  does 

Your  faithful  friend, 

EDWARD  B.  WILLIAMSON. 
To  MR.  THOMAS  J.  BROWN. 

GERMAN-TOWN,  PA.,  Jan.  4,  1877. 

MY  DEAR  MRS.  JONES:  It  has  given  me  great 
pleasure  to  learn  that  your  trials  have  been  passed 
through  safely,  and  that  you  are  the  happy  mother 
of  a  fine  boy.  As  a  mother,  I  can  myself  enter  into 
your  feelings,  and  know  how  heartily  you  are  to  be 
congratulated  in  your  present  happiness.  I  shall  do 
myself  the  pleasure  of  calling  upon  you  when  cir- 
cumstances justify  me  in  so  doing.  In  the  mean 
time,  accept  the  assurances  of  my  sincere  sympathy, 
my  warmest  friendship,  and  my  earnest  desire  that 


340  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

you  may  have  a  speedy  recovery  to  perfect  health. 
I  am,  madam, 

Yours,  most  truly, 

MRS.  MARY  B.  THOMPSON. 
To  MRS.  THEODORE  JONES. 

LETTERS  OF  CONDOLENCE. 

BOSTON,  Nov.  23,  1876. 
MR.  HENRY  D.  INGALLS, 

MY  DEAR  FRIEND  :  It  has  given  me  great  pain  to 
learn  that  so  heavy  a  misfortune  has  fallen  upon  you. 
I  trust  that  your  affairs  will  not  prove  so  bad  as  they 
seem  at  the  first  glance.  If  I  can  be  of  any  service 
to  you,  do  not  fail  to  call  upon  me.  And  whatever 
happens,  do  not  forget  that  I  shall  ever  remain 
Your  faithful  friend, 

WILLIS  B.  RILEY. 

WEST  CHESTER,  PA.,  June  4,  1876. 

MRS.  ELIZABETH  K.  RICHMOND, 

DEAR  MADAM  :  I  almost  hesitate  to  address  you 
in  this  your  hour  of  profoundest  sorrow ;  and  I  only 
venture  to  do  so  in  the  hope  that,  though  you  are 
prostrated  under  the  loss  of  your  nearest  and  dearest 
earthly  friend,  you  may  still  find  a  little  sad  satisfac- 
tion in  the  assurance  that  other  friends  are  still  left 
you  to  whom  you  are  most  dear.  Your  loss  is  an 
irreparable  one,  I  am  well  aware,  yet  you  must  not 
allow  yourself  to  be  utterly  cast  down.  For  the 


LETTERS   OF  CEREMONY.  341 

sake  of  your  dear  children  and  the  friends  who  re- 
main to  you,  if  not  your  own  sake,  you  must  try, 
after  a  time,  to  gather  a  little  strength  and  hope  for 
the  future.  Sympathizing  with  your  sorrow  in  your 
bereavement,  I  remain  most  sincerely 
Your  friend, 

MRS.  THOMAS  J.  CLARK. 

LONG  BRANCH,  Aug.  14,  1876. 

MY  DEAR  Miss  MEREDITH:  In  times  of  such 
peculiar  sorrow  as  yours,  it  seems  almost  like  in- 
trusion for  any  but  the  nearest  and  dearest  friends 
to  venture  upon  expressions  of  sympathy  for  you. 
Nevertheless,  I  should  feel  myself  a  traitor  to  that 
friendship  which  I  have  always  felt  and  expressed 
for  you  if  I  did  not  give  you  some  small  token  of 
the  grief  which  I  experienced  when  I  learned  of 
your  recent  bereavement.  It  is  so  sad  a  thing  to  be 
motherless  that  I  can  find  no  words  of  comfort  to 
offer  you.  However,  I  cannot  but  hope  that  time 
may  yet  bring  "  healing  on  his  wings,"  and  that  the 
deep  poignancy  of  your  grief  may  be  assuaged. 
With  feelings  of  the  deepest  sympathy  and  respect, 
I  remain 

Your  sincere  friend, 

CAROLINE  S.  MARSHALL, 


CHAPTER    III. 

LOVE-LETTERS. 

PROBABLY  there  is  no  class  of  letters  which 
consume  so  much  relative  time  and  thought 
and  are  the  occasion  of  so  much  perplexity  to  their 
writers  as  love-letters ;  nevertheless,  who  would  care 
to  express  other  than  his  own  feelings  and  his  own 
words  in  writing  a  letter  of  declaration  ?  Still,  it  is 
perhaps  best  to  give  a  few  models  of  these  letters 
and  their  replies,  which,  though  we  certainly  hope 
they  may  never  be  used,  may  yet  serve  as  guides  in 
such  correspondence. 

LETTERS  OF  DECLARATION. 

PHILADELPHIA,  Mar.  I,  1877. 

MY  DEAR  Miss  MOORE:  You  cannot  but  have 
been  aware  for  some  time  past  that  my  feelings  to- 
ward you  have  been  stronger  than  those  of  mere 
friendship.  Our  long  acquaintance  has  given  me 
ample  opportunity  to  learn  the  excellences  of  your 
character,  and  to  prize  them  at  their  full  value.  It 
has  also  afforded  you  a  like  opportunity  to  judge 
whether  I  possess  those  characteristics  which  you 

342 


L  0  VE-LE  TTERS.  343 

would  desire  in  a  husband.     Am  I  presumptuous  in 
hoping  that  you  will  consent  to  become  my  wife  ? 
Until  I  receive  your  answer  I  shall  remain 
Your  anxious  but  no  less  ardent  admirer, 

GEORGE  W.  BURNSIDE. 


CHESTNUT  HILL,  Feb.  14,  1877. 

MY  DEAR  Miss  ATHERTON  :  In  spite  of  the  brief- 
ness of  our  acquaintance,  you  have  inspired  me  with 
such  ardent  affection  that  I  risk  all  chance  of  failure 
in  my  impatience  to  know  my  fate.  May  I  hope 
that  you  will  learn  to  love  me,  if  not  as  earnestly  as 
I  love  you,  at  least  with  sufficient  warmth  to  give 
me  hope  that  at  some  future  time  I  may  be  per- 
mitted to  call  you  my  wife  ?  I  shall  await  your 
answer  with  great  anxiety.  Meantime,  I  remain 
Your  lover  (if  you  will  permit  me  to  call  myself  so), 

ALBERT  J.  BONHAM. 


MY  DEAR  NELLIE  :  I  love  you.     Will  you  be  my 

wife? 

Yours,  most  affectionately, 

CHARLIE. 


LETTERS  OF  ACCEPTANCE  AND  REJECTION. 

MY  DEAR  CHARLIE  :  With  the  greatest  pleasure. 
Yours,  with  like  affection, 
NELLIE. 


344  OUR  BEHAVIOR. 

GERMANTOWN,  Feb.  15,  1877. 

MR.  ALBERT  J,  BONHAM, 

DEAR  SIR:  Your  letter,  which  I  have  just  re- 
ceived, has  given  me  great  pain.  The  honor  which 
you  have  shown  me  in  asking  me  to  be  your  wife 
was  as  unexpected  as  it  was  undesired.  I  sincerely 
regret  that  I  can  give  you  no  encouragement  in  your 
suit.  Our  acquaintance,  brief  as  it  is,  has  been  of 
sufficient  duration  to  satisfy  me  that  we  are  in  no 
way  suited  to  each  other.  Nevertheless,  I  shall  al- 
ways prize  your  friendship,  and  hope  that  I  may  not 
be  deprived  of  it.  Thanking  you  for  the  honor  that 
you  have  done  me,  and  with  deep  regret  that  I  must 
disappoint  you,  I  remain 

Sincerely  your  friend, 

ADELAIDE  ATHERTON. 

PHILADELPHIA,  March  2,  1877. 

MY  DEAR  MR.  BURNSIDE  :  How  can  I  thank  you 
for  the  honor  you  have  done  me  in  asking  me  to  be 
your  wife  ?  It  affords  me  the  deepest  satisfaction  to 
assure  you  that  my  sentiments  toward  you  are  most 
favorable,  and  that  I  shall  be  both  proud  and  happy 
to  regard  you  as  my  future  husband. 

Yours,  most  sincerely, 

CATHARINE  MOORE. 


INDEX. 


A  BSENT-MINDBDNKSS,  45,  157. 

Acquaintances  formed  in  traveling,  26. 

forming,  in  public,  87. 

traveling,  95. 

Actions  and  attitudes,  improper,  163. 
Adapting  yourself  to  others,  159. 
Address  on  visiting  cards,  176. 
Advice,  giving  unsought,  46. 
Affairs,  charge  of,  at  a  funeral,  217. 

private,  of  others,  46. 
Air-bath,  the,  231. 
Altar,  arrangement  before  the,  200. 
Answering  questions,  86. 
Apologies,  160. 
Aristocratic  assumptions,  42. 
Artist's  studio,  conduct  in,  108. 
"  Asking  papa,"  136. 
Assisting  a  lady  from  a  horse,  101. 

ladies  from  a  carriage,  97. 

to  mount,  loo. 
Attentions,  demanding,  87. 
Attitudes,  improper,  153. 

BALDNESS,  pomade  against,  307. 
Ball,  giving  a,  74. 

preparations  necessary  for  a,  75. 

time  for  arriving  at  a,  76. 
Ball  room,  flowers  in  the,  75. 

general  rules  for  the,  79. 
Balls  and  dinner-parties,  ox. 

choice  of  guests  at,  74. 

conclusion  of  the  dance  at,  79. 

engaging  partners  at,  78. 

escort  to,  duties  of,  76. 

invitations  to,  75. 

necessary  preparations  for,  75. 

receiving  guests  at,  76. 

refreshments  at,  77. 

refusing  to  dance  at,  78. 

requisites  for  success  in  giving,  75. 

retiring  from,  80. 

suppers  at,  77. 

tablets  for,  77. 

wall-flowers  at,  78. 
Bandoline,  303. 
Bathing  costumes,  284. 
Bath,  the,  230. 
Beard,  the,  244. 
Beauty  and  health,  226. 


Behavior  at  table,  rules  for,  144. 

conspicuous,  158. 

offensive,  86. 

Bereaved  families,  seclusion  of,  223. 
Betting  at  cards,  172. 
Bills,  receipts,  notes  and  drafts,  333. 
Births  and  christenings,  210. 
Black  silk,  to  choose  good,  317. 

teeth,  remedy  for,  307. 
Boasting,  154. 

Bonnet,  laying  aside  during  calls,  57. 
Books,  borrowed,  162. 
Boots  and  shoes,  to  make  waterproof 

kid,  to  clean,  311. 

patent  leather,  to  clean,  311. 
Borrowed  books,  cards  with,  175. 
Bouquets,  cards  with,  175. 
Bow,  the,  32. 
Breakfast,  154. 

-table,  the,  143. 

the  christening,  214. 
Bridal  bouquets,  188. 

presents,  194. 

Bridegroom,  dress  of,  199,  291. 
Bridesmaids  and  groomsmen,  198. 

dress  of,  199,  291. 
Bride,  traveling-dress  of,  291. 
Burns,  remedy  for,  304. 
Burnt  shoes,  remedy  for,  317. 
Business- woman's  dress,  266. 

CABINET  officers,  social  duties  of,  180. 
Callers,  offering  refreshments  to,  55. 
Calls,  50. 

dress  for,  272. 

dress  for  receiving,  273. 

evening,  51. 

dress  for,  277. 

general  rules  regarding,  53. 

in  the  country,  55. 

laying  aside  bonnet  during,  37. 

morning,  50, 

new  year's,  62. 

on  an  invalid,  57. 

on  strangers,  57. 

private,  on  the  President,  179. 

wedding,  when  to  be  returned,  2OJ. 

who  should  make  them  first,  57. 
Cant,  47- 

345 


346 


INDEX. 


Card-playing,  155. 

etiquette  of,  170. 
Cards,  betting  at,  172. 

cheating  at,  171. 

haste  in  playing,  172. 

husband  and  wife  playing  together 
in,  to  be  avoided,  171. 

knowledge  of,  and  of  other  games, 

new,  171. 

not  to  be  meddled  with,  172. 

of  congratulation  and  of  condolence, 

176. 

precedence  in,  170. 
proposing  a  game  of,  170, 
refusing  to  play  at,  170. 
understanding  the  game  of,  170. 
visiting,  51. 

address  on,  176. 

etiquette  of,  56,  174. 

inscription  on,  51. 

turning  down  corners  of,  mean- 
ing of,  175. 

fashion  of,  174. 

of  married  ladies,  176. 

with  borrowed  books,  176. 

with  bouquets,  175. 

with  Christmas  presents,  176. 
Card,  wedding  reception,  196. 
Carriage,  assisting  ladies  to  alight  from 

a,  97- 

dress,  270. 

entering  a,  97. 

seat  of  honor  in  a,  97. 
Carriages  at  a  funeral,  219. 
Cars,  street,  etiquette  of,  92. 
Cemetery,  proceeding  to  the,  220. 
Cerate,  to  make  simple,  314. 
Chapped  hands,  cure  for,  306. 

lips,  cure  for,  307. 
Chess  and  other  games,  172. 
Chilblains,  to  cure,  301. 
Child,  naming  the,  210. 
Christening  breakfast,  the,  214. 

ceremony,  the,  211. 

fees,  214. 

fifts,  214. 
ero  of  the  day  at  the,  214. 

the,  212. 

Christenings,  births  and,  210. 
Church,  weddings  at  the,  199. 

conduct  in,  102. 

dress  for,  279. 

Coffin,  other  decorations  for,  221. 
Cold  cream,  301. 
Cologne,  308. 
Colors  and  dress,  size  in  relation  to,  264. 

in  dress,  261. 

Comfort  of  others,  consulting  the,  95. 
Commissions,  undertaking,  162. 
Company,  absent-mindedness  in,  45. 

general,  saluting  a,  160. 


Company,  privacy  in,  160. 

reading  in,  156. 

whispering  in,  45. 
Complexion,  to  improve,  304. 
Concert  and  lecture,  dress  for,  280. 

or  opera,  invitation  to,  104. 
Conduct  at  fancy  fairs,  107. 

in  an  artist's  studio,  108. 

in  church,  102. 

in  opera,  theatre  or  public  hall,  103 

in  picture-galleries,  107. 

of  gentleman  toward  ladies,  125. 

of  lady  toward  gentlemen,  125. 

of  the  fiance,  137. 
Confidence,  the,  of  others,  46. 
Congressmen,  social  duties  of,  131. 
Conspicuous  behavior,  158. 
Contradiction,  161. 
Conversation,  36. 

congenial  subjects  of,  47. 

interruption  in,  43. 

unpleasant  topics  of,  46. 
Conversing  with  ladies,  47. 
Corns,  remedies  for,  255,  307. 
Corpse,  exhibition  of,  at  funeral,  219. 
Correct  speech,  45. 
Costume  for  going  to  Europe,  287. 
Costumes,  bathing,  284. 

croquet  and  skating,  282. 

evening,  276. 

for  country  and  seaside,  283. 

for  public  places,  279. 

for  traveling,  285. 
Cough  or  cold,  remedy  for,  314. 
Couple,  relations  of  an  engaged,  139. 
Courtesies  in  riding,  101. 

to  a  lady,  158. 
Court,  costume  in  presentation  at,  139. 

presentation  at,  139. 

preliminaries  to  presentation  at,  188 

those  eligible  to  presentation  at,  187. 

those  who  may  present  others  at, 

188. 
Courtship,  etiquette  of,  124. 

proper  manner  of,  127. 
Croup,  cure  for,  313. 
Cut,  the,  26. 

DANCE,  refusing  to,  78. 
Death,  notification  of,  222. 
Declaration,  premature,  127. 
Decorations,  other  than  flowers,  for  cofi 

fin,  221. 

Deformities,  noticing,  161. 
Demanding  attentions,  87. 
Departure  of  visitors,  52. 
Dining-room,  proceeding  to  the,  67. 
Dining-table,  arrangement  of  guests  at, 

67. 
Dinner,  147. 

a  la  Russe,  68. 

conclusion  of  the,  79. 


INDEX. 


347 


Dinner,  fish  at,  69. 

general  rules  regarding,  69. 
gloves  and  napkins  at,  68. 
parties  and  balls,  63. 

failing  to  fulfill  an  engagement 
to,  65. 

introduction  of  guests  at,  67. 

invitation  to,  accepted,  64. 

invitation  to,  declined,  65. 

manner  of  writing  invitations 
to,  64. 

number  of  guests  at,  63. 

proper  hour  for,  66. 

punctuality  to,  63. 

reception  of  guests  at,  63. 

time  of  sending  invitations  to, 

63. 

soup  at,  68. 

watching  how  others  do  at,  71. 
Dinner-table,  retiring  from  the,  73. 
Discoloration  of  skin,  to  remove,  300. 
Dogmatic  style  of  speaking,  43. 
Door,  opening  the,  for  a  lady,  35. 
Double-entendres,  39. 
Drafts,  receipts,  notes  and  bills,  333. 
Draping  the  house  in  mourning,  213. 
Dress  and  colors,  size  in  relation  to,  264. 
appropriate,  260. 
at  a  wedding,  202. 
business-woman's,  266. 
carriage,  270. 
colors  in,  261. 
dinner,  274. 
for  bathing,  284. 
for  church,  279. 
for  country  and  seaside,  283. 
for  evening  call,  277. 
for  foreign  tour,  287. 
for  lecture  and  concert,  280. 
for  opera,  280. 
for  receiving  calls,  273. 
for  social  party,  277. 
for  soiree  and  ball,  277. 
for  theatre,  279. 

for  visiting  and  receiving  calls,  272. 
for  second  marriage  of  widow,  292. 
general  rules  in  regard  to,  256. 
materials  for,  263. 
morning,  for  home,  265. 

for  house  and  street,  265. 

for  street,  266. 

for  visitors,  265. 
of  bridegroom,  199,  291. 
of  bridesmaid,  199,  291. 
of  guests  at  dinner-party,  274. 

at  wedding  reception,  292. 
of  hostess,  274. 
ordinary  evening,  276. 
promenade,  267. 
riding,  271. 

suitable,  for  funeral,  221. 
traveling,  285. 


Dress  of  bride,  291. 

wedding,  290. 
Dressing-room,  gentleman's,  229. 

lady's,  227. 

the,  226. 
Driving,  riding  and  traveling,  etiquetta 

Duties  of  an  escort  in  traveling,  88. 
of  first  groomsman,  200. 
of  visitors,  59. 

social,  of  cabinet  officers,  180. 
of  Congressmen,  181. 
of  the  President,  178. 
Duty,  a  lady's,  to  her  escort,  89. 

of  ladies  to  other  ladies  in  traveling, 
94- 

ECCENTRICITY,  161. 

Egotism,  45. 

Emotions,  display  of,  45. 

Engaged  couple,  relation  of  an,  139. 

man,  position  of  an,  138. 

or  "not  at  home,"  54. 

woman,  position  of  an,  138. 
Engaging  partners,  78. 
Engagement,  breaking  an,  142. 

failing  to  fulfill  an,  65. 

presents  after,  141. 

ring,  the,  137. 
Entering  a  carriage,  97. 
Envelopes,  wedding,  197. 
Epistolary  etiquette,  in. 
Escort,  a  lady's  duty  to  her,  89. 

duties  of  an,  76. 

times  when  required,  82. 
Esquire,  title  of,  in  England,  184. 
Etiquette  in  houses  of  mourning,  218. 

miscellaneous  rules  of,  149. 
European  titles,  185. 
Europe,  directions  for  voyage  to,  287. 
Evening  calls,  51. 

costume,  276. 
Evil  speaking,  44. 
Exclamations,  vulgar,  40. 
Expressions,  words  and  indelicate,  39. 
Expression,  unwise,  of  opinion,  37. 
Eyes,  the,  lashes  and  brows,  236. 

FAMILIARITIES,  forbidden,  159. 
Familiarity,  checking,  93. 

undue,  42. 
Family  letter,  the,  in. 

the,  of  the  young  man,  138. 
False  hair,  how  to  darken  faded,  319. 
Fancy  fairs,  conduct  at,  107. 
Fashions,  following,  in  moderation,  256^ 
Faultfinding,  44. 

Favor,  asking  and  receiving  a,  157. 
Fees,  christening,  214. 

marriage,  201. 
Feet,  the,  249. 
Felon,  certain  cure  for,  313. 


348 


INDEX. 


Fiance,  conduct  of  the,  137. 
First  to  call,  the,  57. 
Fish,  69. 

Fixing  the  day,  191. 
Flattery,  43. 

Flowers  in  a  ball-room,  75. 
Foreign  language,  use  of,  41. 
Foreign  titles,  182. 
Freckles,  to  remove,  299. 
Friendly  letter,  the,  112. 
Friendship,  the  kiss  of,  35. 
Fruit-stains,  to  remove,  314. 
Funeral,  after  the,  221. 

carriages  for  a,  219. 

charge  of  affairs  at,  217. 

expense  of,  217. 

flowers  at  a,  221. 

invitations  to  a,  216. 

obligations  to  attend  a,  222. 

receiving  guests  at  a,  219. 

suitable  dress  for,  221. 
Funerals,  216. 
Furs,  putting  away  for  the  summer,  320. 

GARMENTS,  to  extract  paint  from,  316. 
General  invitations,  58. 

company,  saluting  a,  160. 
rules  in  regard  to  dress,  256. 
for  a  ball-room,  79. 
for  behavior  at  table,  144. 
of  etiquette  in  mourning,  218. 
regarding  calls,  52. 
dinner,  69. 
letter- writing,  120. 
Gentleman,  conduct  of  lady  toward,  125. 

of,  toward  ladies,  125. 
and  lady  walking  together,  84. 
Gentry,  183. 
Gifts,  christening,  214. 
Gloves  and  napkin  at  dinner-parties,  68. 

kid,  to  clean,  309. 
Godparents  or  sponsors,  212. 

presents  from,  213. 
Good  maxims,  163. 
Good  name,  a  woman's,  162. 
Governing  our  moods,  152. 
Grease-spots,  to  remove,  311. 
Groomsman,  duties  of  first,  200. 
Groomsmen  and  bridesmaids,  198. 
Guests  at  a  funeral,  receiving,  219. 

at  dinner-parties,  introductions  of, 
67. 

reception  of,  67. 
choice  of,  at  a  ball,  74. 
dress  of,  at  dinner-parties,  274. 
at  wedding-receptions,  292. 
number  of,  at  dinner-party,  63. 
receiving,  at  a  ball,  76. 
Gums  and  teeth,  to  clean,  307. 

HABITS  to  be  avoided,  156. 
Hair-curling  fluid,  302. 


Hair,  curling  the,  246. 

the,  to  keep  in  curl,  320. 

to  prevent  from  falling  out,  302. 

to  prevent  from  turning  gray,  306. 

to  soften  and  beautify  the,  306. 
Handshaking,  etiquette  of,  33. 
Hands,  rough  and  chapped,  remedy  for, 
306. 

shaking,  33. 

to  soften  the,  304. 
Hand,  the,  246. 
Haste  in  playing,  172. 
Hat,  lifting  the,  25. 

removing  the,  157. 
Health  and  beauty,  226. 
Hero  of  the  day  at  christening,  214. 
High-flown  language,  41. 
Hobbies,  48. 

Home,  morning-dress  for,  265. 
Horse,  assisting  lady  to  alight  from,  101. 

to  mount  a,  100. 
Hospitality,  true,  59. 
Hostess,  dress  of,  at  dinner-party,  274. 
House  and  street,  morning-dress  for,  265. 
House  of  mourning,  general  rules  con- 
cerning, 218. 
Husband  and  wife  playing  together  at 

cards,  171. 
Hypocrisy,  a  commendable,  152. 

ILLNESS,  calls  during,  56. 
Imperial  rank,  135. 
Impertinent  questions,  46. 
Improper  actions  and  attitudes,  153, 163. 
Indelicate  words  and  expressions,  39. 
Inferiors,  treatment  of,  157. 
Ingrowing  nails  of  toes,  cure  for,  313. 
Ink-spots,  to  take,  from  linen,  314. 
Intercourse,  social,  between  the  sexes, 

124. 

Interruptions  in  conversation,  43. 
Introducing  relatives,  23. 
Introduction,  letters  of,  27,  114,  335. 
Introductions,  21. 

at  ball,  78. 

bestowing  of  titles  in,  24. 

casual,  23. 

in  the  street,  26. 

modes  of  salutation  after,  25. 

obligatory,  24. 

of  guests  at  dinner-parties;  67. 

of  strangers  or  foreigners,  23. 

proper  forms  of,  22. 

recognition  after,  25. 

the  obligations  of,  25. 
Intruding  on  privacy,  158. 
Intrusions,  160. 
Invalid,  calling  on  an,  57. 
Invitation,  letters  of,  116. 

notes  of,  336. 

to  a  funeral,  216. 

to  dinner,  accepted,  64. 


INDEX. 


349 


Invitation  to  dinner,  declined,  63. 
manner  of  writing,  64. 
-party,  time  of  sending,  63. 
to  opera  or  concert,  104. 
to  tea-party,  65. 
Invitations,  general,  58. 
to  a  ball,  75. 

JEWELRY,  rich,  when  it  may  be  worn, 

281. 
Jokes,  practical,  162. 

KEEPING  step,  85. 

Kid  boots,  to  clean,  311. 

gloves,  to  clean,  309. 

or  leather  shoes,  remedy  for  burnt, 

317. 

Kissing  in  public  by  women,  35. 
Kiss  of  friendship,  35. 

of  respect,  35. 

the,  34. 

the  lover's,  35. 

Knowledge  of  cards  and  other  games, 
173. 

ostentatious  display  of,  38. 

LACES,  how  to  wash,  319. 

Ladies,  conduct  of  gentleman   toward, 

125. 
duty  of,  to  other  ladies  in  traveling, 

semshness  of,  96. 

underclothing  of,  257. 
Lady  and  gentleman  walking  together, 
84. 

a,  will  not  occupy  too  many  seats  in 
a  car,  91. 

conduct    of  a,  toward   gentlemen,. 
125. 

courtesies  to  a,  158. 

in  public,  carriage  of  a,  87. 

opening  the  door  for  a,  35. 

traveling  alone,  90. 
Lady's  dressing-room,  227. 

duty  to  her  escort,  89. 

prerogative,  the,  25. 

"No,"  a,  132. 
Language,  foreign,  use  of,  41. 

high-flown,  41. 

Leather  shoes,  burnt,  remedy  for,  317. 
Leavetaking,  61. 

Lecture  and  concert,  dress  for,  280. 
Letters  of  acceptance  and  rejection,  343. 

of  acknowledgment,  323. 

of  condolence,  115,  343. 

of  congratulation,  115,  339. 

of  declaration,  342. 

of  introduction,  27,  114,  333. 

of  invitation,  117. 

regaiding  character  of  a  servant, 

33*- 

liciting  a  situation,  324. 


$oU( 


Letter,  the  business,  113. 

the  family,  in. 

the  friendly,  112. 

the  love,  113. 
Letter-writing,  general  rules  regarding, 

120,  321. 

Lifting  the  hat,  25. 
Linen,  how  to  whiten,  315. 

to  take  ink-spots  from,  314 

to  take  mildew  out  of,  312. 
Lip-salve,  303. 
Lips,  chapped,  307. 
Listening,  36. 
Love  at  first  sight,  126. 
Lovers'  quarrels,  141. 
Luncheon,  145. 

MAKING  and  receiving  presents,  149. 
Man,  position  of  an  engaged,  138. 
Marriage  fees,  201. 

last  visits  before,  195. 

proposals  of,  130. 

second,  of  a  widow,  292. 

settlements,  192. 

Married  lady,  visiting-card  of,  176. 
Matters,  public  mention  of  private,  381 
Maxims,  good,  163. 

Washington's,  164. 
Meddling  with  the  cards,  172. 
Meeting  in  the  street,  26. 
Mentioning  husband  or  wife,  160. 
Mildew,  to  take,  out  of  linen,  312. 
Miscellaneous  rules  of  etiquette,  149. 
Miss,  Mrs.  and  Mr.,  177. 
Mode  of  salutation  after  introductk  0, 

Moderation  in  speaking,  154. 
Moods,  governing  our,  152. 
Morning  calls,  50. 
Morning-dress  for  home,  265. 

for  house  or  street,  265. 

for  street,  265. 

for  visitors,  265. 

Moths,  protection  against,  315,  320. 
Mourning,  deep,  295. 

draping  the  house  in,  218. 

house  of,  213. 

lesser  degree  of,  296. 

period  of,  223. 

second,  296. 

NAMING  the  child,  210. 

Napkin  and  gloves  at  dinner,  63. 

New  cards,  171. 

"  No,"  a  lady's,  132. 

Nobility,  183. 

"  Not  at  home,"  54. 

Notes,  drafts,  bill  and  receipts,  y& 

of  invitation,  336. 
Noticing  deformities,  161. 
Notification  of  death,  222. 


350 


INDEX. 


Nubia,  how  to  wash  a,  313. 

Number  of  guests  at  a  dinner-party,  63 

OPERA,  conduct  at  an,  105. 

dress  for,  280. 

invitation  to,  104. 
Opinion,  unwise  expression  of,  37. 
Opinions,  religious,  156. 
Others,  adapting  yourself  to,  159. 

attending  to  the  wants  of,  96. 

consulting  the  comfort  of,  95. 

precedence  to,  153. 

private  affairs  of,  46. 

sympathizing  with,  152. 
Outer  dresses,  259. 
Outfit,  wedding,  290. 
Ox-marrow  pomatum,  308. 

PACE  in  riding,  100. 
Packages,  carrying,  86. 
Paint,  to  extract  from  garments,  316. 
"  Papa,  asking,"  136. 
Parties,  dinners  and  balls,  63. 
Partners,  engaging,  78. 
Patent-leather  boots,  to  clean,  311. 
Peers  and  peeresses,  rights  of,  190. 
People,  young,  attention  to,  in  society, 

151. 

Picture-gallery,  conduct  in,  107. 
Pitch  or  tar,  to  remove  spots  of,  316. 
Politeness,  163. 

Pomade  against  baldness,  307. 
Pomatum,  ox-marrow,  308. 
Position  of  an  engaged  man,  138. 

woman,  138. 
P.  P.  C.,  175- 
Practical  jokes,  162. 
Precedence  in  cards,  170. 

of  others,  153. 
Prerogative,  the  lady's,  25. 
Presentation  at  court,  187,  189. 

preliminaries  to,  138. 

those  eligible  to,  137. 

those  not  eligible  to,  187. 

those  who  may  conduct  others  for, 
188. 

costume,  189. 
Presents  after  engagement,  141. 

bridal,  194. 

Christmas,  176. 

from  godparents,  213. 

making  and  receiving,  149. 

wedding,  203. 
President,  private  call  upon  the,  179. 

social  duties  of  the,  178. 
Presidential  receptions,  179. 
Pretences,  42. 
Privacy  in  company,  160. 

intruding  on,  158. 
Private  affairs  of  others,  46. 

public  mention  of,  38. 

call  upon  the  President,  179. 


Profanity,  40. 

Promenade,  the,  267. 

Proposals  o'l  marriage,  131. 

Protection  of  sex,  the,  81. 

Prudery,  38. 

Public,  carriage  of  a  lady  in,  87. 

forming  acquaintances  in,  87, 

hall,  conduct  in,  105. 

places,  costumes  for,  279. 
etiquette  of,  94. 

tables,  etiquette  of,  94. 

women  kissing  in,  35. 
Punctuality,  66,  158. 

QUESTIONS,  answering,  86. 

RANK,  imperial,  185. 
Reading  in  company,  156. 

when  traveling,  96. 
Receipts,  bills,  notes  and  drafts,  333 
Receiving  and  asking  a  favor,  157. 

and  making  presents,  149. 

a  visitor,  51. 

guests  at  a  ball,  76. 

at  a  funeral,  219. 
Reception-days,  55. 

of  guests  at  dinner-party,  67. 

wedding-,  201. 

Receptions,  presidential,  179. 
Recognizing    acquaintances    upon    the 

street,  83. 

Rejected  suitor,  the,  135. 
Relations  of  an  engaged  couple,  139 
Relatives,  introducing,  23. 
Religious  opinions,  156. 
Remedy  for  black  teeth,  307. 

for  burnt  shoes,  317. 

for  cough  or  cold,  314. 
Removing  the  hat,  157. 
Reproof,  administering,  161. 
Respect,  kiss  of,  35. 
Ribbons  and  silks,  to  clean,  317. 
Ridicule,  156. 
Riding,  courtesies  in,  101. 

-dress,  271. 

etc.,  etiquette  of,  88,  99. 

pace  in,  too. 

preparations  for,  99. 
Ring,  engagement,  137. 

tight,  to  remove,  310. 
Rose-water,  303. 
Royalty,  132. 
Rudeness  in  speech,  160. 
Rules,  general,  for  a  ball-room,  79 

for  behavior  at  table,  144. 

regarding  calls,  52. 
dinner,  69. 
letter-writing,  120. 

miscellaneous,  of  etiquette,  149 

SALUTATION,  mode  of,  after  introduc- 
tion, 25. 


INDEX. 


351 


Salutation,  words  of,  32 
Salutations,  29.   • 
in  public,  154. 
of  different  nations,  31 , 
Saluting  a  general  company,  160. 
Salve,  lip,  303. 

Sea-side  and  country,  costumes  for,  283. 
Seat  of  honor  in  a  carriage,  97. 

retaining  possession  of  a,  91. 
Seats,  occupying  too  many,  91. 
Seclusion  of  bereaved  family,  223. 
Second  marriage  of  widow,  dress  for, 
292. 

mourning,  296. 
Selfishness  of  ladies,  96. 
Sexes,  social  intercourse  between   the, 

124. 

Shaking  hands,  33. 

Shoes   and  boots,  how  to  make  water- 
proof, 309. 
Shyness,  153. 

Silks  and  ribbons,  to  clean,  317. 
Silk,  to  choose  good  black,  317. 
to  remove  spots  from,  315. 
Silver,  cleaning,  311. 

wedding,  the,  206. 
Simple  cerate,  to  make,  314. 
Singing  and  playing  in  society,  154. 
Skating  and  croquet  costumes,  282. 
Skin,  discolorations  of,  to  remove,  300. 
Skin,  for  roughness  of  the,  305. 

how  to  acquire  a  bright  and  smooth, 
,304- 
the,  234. 
Slang,  41. 
Smoking,  155. 

in  the  presence  of  women,  93. 
upon  the  streets,  86. 
Social  duties  of  Cabinet  officers,  180. 
of  Congressmen,  181. 
of  the  President,  178. 
etiquette  at  Washington,  178. 
intercourse  between  the  sexes,  124. 
party,  dress  for,  277. 
Society,  attention  to  young  people  in, 

151. 

singing  and  playing  in,  154. 
Soiree  and  ball,  dress  for,  277. 
Soup,  68. 

Speaking,  dogmatic  style  of,  43. 
evil,  44. 

moderation  in,  154. 
one's  mind,  37. 
Speech,  correct,  45. 

rudeness  in,  160. 
Spitting,  155. 

Sponsors  or  godparents,  212. 
Spots,  grease,  how  to  remove,  311,  314. 
ink,  to  remove  from  linen,  314. 
of  pitch  or  tar,  to  remove,  316. 
Stains  and  spots,  to  remove,  from  silk, 
3",  315. 


Stains  and  spots,  fruit,  to  remove,  314. 

Jia  remove,  from  white  cotton  goods, 

316. 

Stairs,  up  and  down,  36. 
Step,  keeping,  85. 
Sticking-plaster,  304. 
Strangers,  calling  on,  57. 

introduction  of,  23. 
Street  cars,  etiquette  of,  92. 

etiquette  of  the,  81. 

meeting  in  the,  26. 

morning-dress  for,  266. 

recognizing  acquaintances  upon  the, 
83. 

smoking  upon  the,  86. 
Studio,  artist's,  conduct  in  an,  103. 
Success  in  ball-giving,  requisites  for,  75. 
Suitor,  the  rejected,  135. 
Supper,  the  ball-,  77. 
Sympathizing  with  others,  152. 

TABLE  etiquette,  143. 

general  rules  for  behavior  at,  144. 

retiring  from  the,  73. 

the  breakfast-,  143. 
Tablets,  ball,  77. 
Tan,  to  remove,  306. 
Tar  or  pitch,  to  remove  stains  of,  316. 
Tea-party,  invitation  to,  65. 
Teeth  and  gums,  to  clean  the,  307. 

black,  to  clean,  307. 

the,  231. 
Theatre,  conduct  in,  103. 

dress  for  the,  279. 
Tight  ring,  to  remove,  210. 
Titles,  bestowing  of,  24. 

European,  185. 

foreign,  182. 
Toes,  ingrowing  nails  on,  to  cure,  313. 
Toilette-bottles,  to  loosen  stoppers  of, 
310. 

the,  225. 

Topics  to  be  avoided  in  general  conver- 
sation, 44. 

unpleasant,  of  conversation,  46. 
Toothache  preventive,  312. 
Travelling  acquaintances,  95. 

alone  by  a  lady,  90. 

attending  to  wants  of  others  in,  96. 

consulting  comfort  of  others  in,  95. 

costumes  for,  285. 

-dress,  285. 

of  bride,  291. 

duties  of  an  escort  in,  88. 

duty  of  ladies  to  other  ladies  in,  94. 

etiquette  of,  88. 

lady's  duty  to  escort  in,  89. 

reading  when,  96. 

selfishness  of  ladies  in,  96. 
Treatment  of  inferiors,  157. 
Trousseau,  the,  193,  292. 
True  hospitality,  59. 


352 


INDEX. 


UNDERCLOTHING,  ladies',  257. 
Undertaking  commissions,  162. 
Underwear,  gentlemen's,  259. 
Undue  familiarity,  42. 
Uneasiness,  158. 

Unpleasant  topics  of  conversation,  46. 
Unsought  advice,  giving,  46. 
Unwise  expression  of  opinion,  37. 
Use  of  foreign  language,  41. 

VISITING-CARDS,  51. 

address  on,  176. 

etiquette  of  the,  56,  174. 

fashion  of,  174. 

inscription  on,  51. 

of  married  lady,  176. 

turning  down  corner  of,  175. 

with  borrowed  books,  176. 

with  bouquets,.  175. 

with  Christmas  presents,  176. 

and  receiving  calls,  dress  for,  272. 
Visit,  limit  of  a  prolonged,  59. 
Visitor,  duties  of  the,  59. 

morning-dress  for,  265. 

receiving  a,  51. 
Visitors,  departure  of,  52. 
Visits,  etiquette  of,  50. 

last,  before  marriage,  195 

of  condolence,  58. 
Vulgar  exclamations,  50. 

WALL-FLOWERS  at  a  ball,  78. 
Washington's  maxims,  164. 
Washington,  social  etiquette  at,  178. 
Watching  how  others  do,  71. 
Waterproof,  to  make  boots  and  shoes, 


wSding-calls, 


203. 


Wedding-cards,  105. 

-day,  fixing  the,  191. 

dress  at  a,  202. 

-dress,  the,  290. 

etiquette,  191. 

-feast,  the,  202. 

-outfit,  the,  290. 

-parties,  202. 

-presents,  203. 

•reception,  201. 
cards,  196. 
dress  of  guests  at,  292. 

-ring,  the,  200. 

the  china,  206. 

the  crystal,  205. 

the  diamond,  207. 

the  paper,  204. 

the  silver,  206. 

the  tin,  205. 

the  wooden,  204. 
Weddings,  anniversary,  204. 

invitations  to,  207. 

marriage  ceremony  at,  208. 

present  at,  207. 
Whispering  in  company,  45. 
White  cotton  goods,  to  remove  stains 

from,  316. 

Widow,  marriage  of,  291. 
Wine-drinking,  155. 
Wit,  45. 

Woman,  position  of  engaged,  138. 
Woman's,  a,  good  name,  162. 

business-,  dress,  266. 
Women  kissing  in  public,  35. 

smoking  in  the  presence  of,  93 
Woolen  cloth,  to  clean,  314. 
Words,  indelicate,  39. 
Wrinkles,  to  remove,  300. 


